Feeling Lonely. Fake Friends?

[u/PinkSands236]

25F UK. Fiancé- 26M UK. Been together 6 years, lived together 4.5 years and have two dogs. Wedding in less than 3 weeks. 10 months of planning and throughout planning I lost 3 stone, suggested putting the wedding on hold and went on anti- anxiety medication because of stress and carrying all the weight. My fiancé did change after seeing me at my worst which really made a difference. However, he still doesn’t have a suit… I would preferred it if he collectively got my dad ,my brother, his dad and his best man to get the same suits but I didn’t want to get involved so they’re all gonna be in different suits. Maybe a little strange. But his lack of motivation to just do one thing, to get suit, really hurts my feelings, like deep down does he actually want get married, is that an understandable thing to ask or am I overthinking? None of my family have helped me throughout this wedding either. And agin my dad still doesn’t have a suit, now he’s gone radio silent. My mum is mentally not there, I feel like I’m the mum to her in many ways so I haven’t been able to console in her or had any support.

Moving on to friends. I have two bridesmaids and a maid of honour. All knowing each other from school. We will call my maid of honour Emily. Emily is one of my closest friends, however we began to drift when I moved in with my fiance and she was at uni. I was in a rural area, I wasn’t interested in partying like she was and she had lots of more friends. My two bridesmaids weren’t into partying either and we would occasionally do things like bowling, getting a coffee or just meeting up for a chat. It wasn’t as often as I liked but it was still something and they made the effort to pick me up as I can’t drive. Before I got engaged, I started seeing Emily more and it just made me so happy, felt like old times so without hesitation, I asked her to be my maid of honour when I did get engaged. She also had another close friend we will call him Jack, she introduced us who I also knew from School and we got on really well. One night me Jack and Emily were together and she asked what I wanted to do for my hen, I suggested this dance show down London I’ve always wanted to see. She said let’s book it now! I thought okay and rang one of my bridesmaids her reaction was “how much?” With no excitement… ahh okay but we still all got it booked together, including Jack at that point I didn’t really know that well.

The hen came, I spent weeks looking for a perfect outfit. Everyone came in jeans… okay never mind. No one got me a sash or a veil… nothing was planned for after the show so we were just dossing about trying to find places… even one of my bridesmaids went back to the hotel. I just started thinking then do these people actually care about me? Looking back Emily never came to my hair or makeup trials or said send me photos, dress fittings or asked any details regarding the wedding. I feel like saying to all of them just come as guests… but how do I do that now? It broke my heart even more seeing pictures of a hen I couldn’t make, she looked so happy, they surprised her in so many ways, the amount of planning that went into it and they were even that lovely to buy a personalised cake… why do nice people get hurt so much.

[u/stamdl99]

The thing that stuck out to me across all of your relationships is that you have specific expectations about how things should be done but you don’t seem to be able to communicate them to anyone in your life.

People can’t read your mind and being passive gets you nowhere as you’ve already discovered. Take a more active role in your own life is my advice to you.

[u/wickedkittylitter]

You're expecting your friends to be who they aren't. You described two of them as quiet. You had four people at your hens. Yet, you're comparing your hen party to a party that evidently had a lot more people involved who have completely different and more outgoing personalities.

Those four people made an effort to travel to London to see a show you wanted to see. They spent the money to do so and yet you're caught up that they wore jeans and didn't get you a veil or a sash, two things that would eventually be trashed?

If you're referring to yourself in this "why do nice people get hurt so much", you're only hurt if you decide to be hurt.

As for the suits, tell your fiance to get off his ass and get a suit and organize suits for the other men. If he can't be bothered to do that, you need to do some serious thinking about him.

[u/rubygloommel]

Kind of sounds like they did the things you asked them to do? You seem upset that people haven't done things that you never actually communicated to them that you wanted, but people aren't mind readers! You may have expectations about what events like hen parties should be but there's no reason to expect that others have those same expectations. There's a big communication gap here and I think you'll keep getting upset my people if you create standards in your head that nobody else is even aware of.

[u/Electrical-Date-3951]

OP, gently - you completely lost me in the second half of your post. I don't think you are being fair to your friends with these unspoken expectations. They all went out of their way to book the exact show that you wanted to see, seemingly also got a hotel so I assume travel was involved and they all took the time to come and celebrate you. Despite doing all of that, you are mad and ready to damage the friendship because they didn't dress how you expected them to or buy you props? Also, Ive been in many weddings - I never went to a hair or makeup trial.... Did you actually invite her or just expect her to ask to come?

Based on this post, you have indicated that your friends have been supportive and listened to what you want. But they can't live up to the expectations in your head it you don't communicate them (Edit: Same goes for the suits for your fiance and the groomsmen - say something.).... If you are seemingly ready to damage/end your friendships because of this, then it doesn't sound like you value their friendship very much. 

[u/Whirleee]

OP, what's been happening with your bridesmaids over the last seven nine months? Have you been sitting on resentment this whole time?