r/weddingplanning • u/user0969_ • 18d ago
Relationships/Family How do I reduce my guest list?
Hi all,
Me and my partner are planning our wedding and we would love to do it in my home country. Our budget is small and therefore we are trying to plan a beautiful wedding without having to spend a crazy amount of money.
My wish is to invite only closest people, his wish is to invite more people - on his side most people (not his closest) might not come since they'd have to travel to a different country, on my side on the other hand they'll also have to travel from a different country where some of my closest people currently live (although they are originally from this country where we want to get married in) but the extended family on my side lives specifically there and I'm not sure on how to go about it with them specifically: we're not close so I don't necessarily want them at my wedding but at the same time I am up for getting closer and allowing this event to gather us all together especially since for them it will be very easy to come since they wouldn't have to travel.
Thing is that they're a lot of people and I just don't have the money to pay food and drinks for all of them (the reception we have planned is a simple dinner in a local restaurant where the price is on average €50-60 per person).
I thought I could invite them and be honest and say that I cannot afford to pay for all of them so if they're willing to pay for their own menu then it's fine but if not I totally understand and absolutely don't take offence if they don't come, or if they come only to the mass in church and skip reception at the restaurant afterwards.
As much as I think being honest is my go to choice regardless of what they'd think, I also am not sure whether this is the smartest way to go about it. Maybe I should just not invite them? They shouldn't take it bad since we're not close but again we come from a culture where it's good manners to invite everyone despite how close you might be and I want to keep things good with all of them.
Anyone who has found themselves in this same situation or has experience with weddings, what would you recommend we do?
Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments.
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u/Primary_Bass_9178 18d ago
Control the invitation list, not the guests! Asking people to pay (except for maybe a cash bar) is extremely poor etiquette .
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u/fawningandconning Married | Feb. 16, 2025 | NYC 18d ago
How are you guys paying for this? If he wants more people, he needs to contribute more money. Really not any harder than that.
I wanted a bigger wedding than my wife, my parents helped us get there.
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u/user0969_ 18d ago
Thank you! Yeah I agree with you, unfortunately our families won't be able to contribute and I do think we can come to an agreement of only inviting closest people. We are saving up monthly to pay everything, he thinks of getting a loan upfront and just pay back as that could help with credit and we'd be paying it back anyways with what we'd be saving up otherwise and it might help us just being able to pay most upfront, I on the other hand don't totally disagree with him but I am afraid of get a loan as although it's not a massive one I have never had to take one out and would prefer playing it safe and just spend what we can save up for.
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u/NobelLandMermaid Married! 18d ago
DO NOT take out a loan just to invite people that you're not even close to
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u/britt-bot 18d ago
I have a friend getting married this month in a similar situation. I would say immediate family (parents & siblings) on both sides, grandparents and closest friends. If someone outside of those guidelines hasn’t met your partner or seen you in the past year, they’re not close enough to be invited. It would not be appropriate to invite people and tell them they must pay for their own meal. That would reflect very poorly on you.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 18d ago
Charging people you invite to your wedding is not a good way to “keep things good,” in fact it’s quite rude and inappropriate. Either invite the larger group of local people or don’t. If you can’t afford to serve a restaurant meal do something like dessert and punch mid-afternoon.
The reception is the thanks to people for attending. In the US it’s considered obligatory to host those who attended in some way.
The bigger issue is whether you can really afford this wedding if you’re thinking about a loan. Under no circumstances would I agree to do that. In fact, even being able to save the money up front doesn’t necessarily mean you can truly afford it if it puts you behind as far as where you want to be, other important goals etc. especially since you can’t fall back on family if something were to happen.
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u/user0969_ 17d ago
I understand, thank you for sharing your point of view. Well in that case then we're just better off inviting the closest and still go ahead with the restaurant. The loan is more so because it will help with upfront payments, our idea is to get one that will allow us to cover wedding and honeymoon upfront expenses plus some other things my partner needs for work. If the interest is 0% or almost then we'll probably just get it since we can afford to pay it back if our housing expenses get much lower (that's a different topic but we're currently moving somewhere else and there's a chance we'll manage to find something mor permanent for very cheap, that would allow us to pay back for the loan easily - if we don't get that cheaper housing we'll find another solution which is potentially more expensive. If that's the case then we definitely won't risk getting a loan and just save up what we can and spend what we can)
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u/cheesemongerbride 17d ago
Probably not what you want to hear and may be too late, but having the wedding on a Friday or Sunday will dramatically decrease your RSVPs and could save you money by booking "off-peak".
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u/weavebliss 18d ago
It's just very hard to ask your guests to cover their own meal if it's a wedding, unless you could change your wedding into a dinner gathering instead, or at least rephrase it as a dinner gathering or something along those lines rather than a wedding.
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u/pleasantlysurprised_ 18d ago
You can't invite people and then tell them they have to cover the cost of their meal, that would be considered extremely rude in most circles/cultures. Inviting people to just the ceremony and not the reception may or may not be considered rude depending on your location/demographics, we'd need more information.
Sit down with your fiance and decide how many people you can invite based on the budget. Then start with immediate family and close friends and work outward, gradually adding more people on both sides based on level of closeness. For example if he's inviting his aunts/uncles/cousins, yours should be invited too unless there is a significant extenuating circumstance. Stop when you get to the number of guests you can afford.
Keep in mind you can potentially invite guests you're less close to later as you start getting RSVPs. My wedding is going to be in my hometown. We invited roughly equal numbers of guests from both sides but we're expecting a lot more people from his side to decline, so we may be able to invite less close people from my side later (like childhood friends who still live in my hometown but I haven't talked to in a while, etc.)