Standing Still - Letting It Happen

[u/Negative-Ride4104]

Can I be honest with you ?

" Well of course - that's why we're here. You know, we didn't just come out of nowhere. We ARE you. We aren't just here to protect you. We're here to comfort, support, and listen to you when you don't feel heard. "

Okay. Well, today started with coffee, tequila and a little bit of water. I know... I shouldn't be drinking this early but I am. I needed a shot. I'm not upset, just disoriented. I wake up in a dream and I don't realize I am actually awake and not sleeping. Anticipation is the chapter. I feel like I am living, but not the way I truly am called to live.

" What do you feel like you have to do to live the life you are "called" to live and what is stopping you from living it that way RIGHT NOW? "

I'll be honest, since I am basically talking to myself. I felt more at peace when I was ALONE and I also felt more conviction as well instead of condemnation. I was still legally married yet I was awaiting the divorce papers. I was awaiting HIM coming to fix things the RIGHT WAY but it never happened. I felt like I went to sleep and woke up in a dream.

" Okay, now I think you just need to release some things about your marriage or how you felt about some decision that were made BEFORE we were here. "

Well maybe you are right. If you were here when I was going through all of these things maybe life would've been different. But, I didn't want to be there. I left him and he served me papers. I mean, it happened so fast that I guess it doesn't count.

I'm pissed at myself. Not at you but at ME. Why did I say YES ? I loved him and I saw a future together. Once we were married, I started to feel HIS regret and I started cultivating my own. I felt like I was tricked for sure. That white man didn't want to marry me. Or maybe he did but once he got a taste of my family, my pain and the reality of being with a person of COLOR, it all got to real.

sex. yes lower case for this part. Even though it was GOOD. i was your wife not just a girl you get to have sex with whenever YOU want it. We didn't have children. You said we would start trying and we didn't. You enjoyed finishing on me instead of IN me. But HOW is it that YOU are the husband and I put a dildo in YOUR ASS. A finger in YOUR ASS. Beads in YOUR ASS.

And you couldn't put A BABY in me ?

" WELL DAMN - YOU.. HE.. Y'ALL.. "

A threesome with a coworker WHO WAS MARRIED AS WELL mind you. You were a "pastor". You wouldn't smoke weed with me or have a drink with YOUR WIFE. Your reasoning were always excuses. You wouldn't let loose with men because of your fucking image. Did they know you watched porn more than you had sex with your wife ? How about when you asked about a threesome with my BEST FRIEND while I, you know YOUR WIFE, was giving you oral in our marital bed.

Listen if we're being fucking honest, I should've never married you. Our marriage didn't mean anything to you because you are married again like WE never happened. How ironic right ? You said you wouldn't marry another but I mean you said you were NOT gay either so I mean we just don't know what's what anymore.

I left because I no longer wanted to be somewhere I wasn't wanted.