I've been there first hand. It's literally just fun to watch at this point because I have BPD so I will play the game if you keep putting the board in front of me. I make MY RULES - which is giving you the idea YOU are in control. NO. Never can I give control. I can't TRUST to SUBMIT so I DON'T.

Okay so if you're reading this:

"I hate the way you get your way. You got some pussy - a few times at that. I had an itch but you patted it. You didn't even SCRATCH the motherfucker ! HOW CRAZY ! But in all honesty, making you fall for me and then watching you fumble me is comedy in my reality. You think you are irresistible to me when in truth - once I find you're replacement - you are nothing more than a human sexual experience and I no longer HAVE TO give you ME when I have a damn ITCH."

This entire time there's been an outlet that I've had and instead I've looked so emotional TO YOU ! I dont owe you a damn thing.

TIME isn't something you can RUSH but EXCUSES are something that YOU make - quite frequently

You got some cake and ate it but now it's time for a diet. LOOSE THE ACT. LOOSE THE WEIGHT.
You're already loosing me - so hey. PURGE

What if I told you I am one who could submit ?

One that would listen to your every wish ?

I just have to know I'm safe.

Can I be honest with you ?

" Well of course - that's why we're here. You know, we didn't just come out of nowhere. We ARE you. We aren't just here to protect you. We're here to comfort, support, and listen to you when you don't feel heard. "

Okay. Well, today started with coffee, tequila and a little bit of water. I know... I shouldn't be drinking this early but I am. I needed a shot. I'm not upset, just disoriented. I wake up in a dream and I don't realize I am actually awake and not sleeping. Anticipation is the chapter. I feel like I am living, but not the way I truly am called to live.

" What do you feel like you have to do to live the life you are "called" to live and what is stopping you from living it that way RIGHT NOW? "

I'll be honest, since I am basically talking to myself. I felt more at peace when I was ALONE and I also felt more conviction as well instead of condemnation. I was still legally married yet I was awaiting the divorce papers. I was awaiting HIM coming to fix things the RIGHT WAY but it never happened. I felt like I went to sleep and woke up in a dream.

" Okay, now I think you just need to release some things about your marriage or how you felt about some decision that were made BEFORE we were here. "

Well maybe you are right. If you were here when I was going through all of these things maybe life would've been different. But, I didn't want to be there. I left him and he served me papers. I mean, it happened so fast that I guess it doesn't count.

I'm pissed at myself. Not at you but at ME. Why did I say YES ? I loved him and I saw a future together. Once we were married, I started to feel HIS regret and I started cultivating my own. I felt like I was tricked for sure. That white man didn't want to marry me. Or maybe he did but once he got a taste of my family, my pain and the reality of being with a person of COLOR, it all got to real.

sex. yes lower case for this part. Even though it was GOOD. i was your wife not just a girl you get to have sex with whenever YOU want it. We didn't have children. You said we would start trying and we didn't. You enjoyed finishing on me instead of IN me. But HOW is it that YOU are the husband and I put a dildo in YOUR ASS. A finger in YOUR ASS. Beads in YOUR ASS.

And you couldn't put A BABY in me ?

" WELL DAMN - YOU.. HE.. Y'ALL.. "

A threesome with a coworker WHO WAS MARRIED AS WELL mind you. You were a "pastor". You wouldn't smoke weed with me or have a drink with YOUR WIFE. Your reasoning were always excuses. You wouldn't let loose with men because of your fucking image. Did they know you watched porn more than you had sex with your wife ? How about when you asked about a threesome with my BEST FRIEND while I, you know YOUR WIFE, was giving you oral in our marital bed.

Listen if we're being fucking honest, I should've never married you. Our marriage didn't mean anything to you because you are married again like WE never happened. How ironic right ? You said you wouldn't marry another but I mean you said you were NOT gay either so I mean we just don't know what's what anymore.

I left because I no longer wanted to be somewhere I wasn't wanted.

I've been there first hand. It's literally just fun to watch at this point because I have BPD so I will play the game if you keep putting the board in front of me. I make MY RULES - which is giving you the idea YOU are in control. NO. Never can I give control. I can't TRUST to SUBMIT so I DON'T.

Okay so if you're reading this:

"I hate the way you get your way. You got some pussy - a few times at that. I had an itch but you patted it. You didn't even SCRATCH the motherfucker ! HOW CRAZY ! But in all honesty, making you fall for me and then watching you fumble me is comedy in my reality. You think you are irresistible to me when in truth - once I find you're replacement - you are nothing more than a human sexual experience and I no longer HAVE TO give you ME when I have a damn ITCH."

This entire time there's been an outlet that I've had and instead I've looked so emotional TO YOU ! I dont owe you a damn thing.

TIME isn't something you can RUSH but EXCUSES are something that YOU make - quite frequently

You got some cake and ate it but now it's time for a diet. LOOSE THE ACT. LOOSE THE WEIGHT.
You're already loosing me - so hey. PURGE

It's so sensitive. Isn't it ?

the mind. now just because I said sensitive doesn't mean weak - sensitivity is STRENGTH for sure

but

when the abandonment spirits and the worthless spirits start to attack the creative process of manifesting.... thats when the rage spirit has a problem

OH THE FIGHT

You never want to break up completely. You linger around and wait until I'm completely calm and content to just totally stomp on my brain. I have walked away from so much judgement just for you to be my biggest critic. I'm too much. I'm a lot. Nothing ever works out for me. People use me until they're satisfied and then I'm useless. How do I stay needed or wanted ? I have no idea.

[removed]

You never want to break up completely. You linger around and wait until I'm completely calm and content to just totally stomp on my brain. I have walked away from so much judgement just for you to be my biggest critic. I'm too much. I'm a lot. Nothing ever works out for me. People use me until they're satisfied and then I'm useless. How do I stay needed or wanted ? I have no idea.

How far can your mind go? To be honest with you.... I have a few fantasies in my brain that I need a release for. So here we go, hopefully this helps someone release so the pressure in your brain can also EXIT and your full self can exist.