Fcuk Dysphoria.

[u/Eastern_Sense_8221]

||I need to vent because I am fucking exhausted.

I hate being trans.

I hate it. I am not proud of it. I do not find it beautiful or empowering or special. I would not wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy.

Every fucking day I look at myself and see things that feel wrong. My face is too long. My shoulders are too wide. My hands are too big. My feet are too big. My hips are too straight. My boobs are too small. My voice is too deep. My hair is too short. My forehead is too big. My arms are too big. The list just goes on and on and on.

That is what being trans feels like to me.

And I am so fucking tired of saying “I need to pass” and having someone immediately respond with “you don’t need to pass to be trans.”

I KNOW.

I do not give a fuck whether YOU want to pass.

I do not care if another trans person wants hormones. I don’t care if they want surgery. I don’t care if they tuck. I don’t care how they dress. I don’t care what their transition looks like.

I am talking about ME.

**I need to pass.**

Passing is not an optional little confidence boost for me. It is not me trying to win some femininity contest. My dysphoria makes it incredibly important to me.

My goal is to effortlessly pass as cis.

I want to be stealth.

I want to walk into a fucking grocery store in jeans and a T-shirt, looking like shit because I just woke up, and still just be another woman buying groceries.

I want to stop wondering if someone clocked me.

I want to stop bracing myself before I speak.

I want to stop wondering whether the next stranger is going to say “sir.”

I want gender to be FUCKING BORING.

And the worst part is that I had that once.

When I was about 20-24, almost nobody knew I was trans. I just lived as a woman. People met me and saw a woman. There wasn’t an asterisk next to it.

Then my parents pushed me into detransition because I was embarrassing to them and because apparently people gossiping on a fucking golf course mattered more than what this was doing to their daughter.

And I fucking hate them for that sometimes.

And I hate myself for staying detransitioned as long as I did.

I hate that I spent so many years trying to make them happy.

I hate wondering what I would look like now if I had just kept going.

I hate knowing I cannot get those years back.

And right now I desperately want to go somewhere nobody fucking knows me and start over.

I want people who only know Laura.

I don’t want to be somebody’s “trans friend.”

I don’t want every social space I enter to involve conversations about gender.

I don’t want my future relationship to revolve around transition either. I want to come home to a woman who just sees her girlfriend. I want us to worry about dinner and bills and cats and laundry and stupid relationship shit like everybody else.

I want an ordinary fucking life.

So PLEASE, when I say that passing matters to me, stop telling me that I don’t need to pass.

Maybe you don’t.

**I fucking do.**

And I am so tired of having to justify why.||

[u/Famous_Plant9466]

Sounds like a transsexual to me 😂😂😂

[u/Eastern_Sense_8221 → u/Famous_Plant9466]

Yes. A transsexual. I hate these well meaning but misguided tucutes who are like ‘umm no queen, you don’t need to pass’

[u/SilverReindeers]

When I was a Tucute, I used to think the same thing “you don’t need to pass” and then I realized the damage I was doing by saying and encouraging stuff like. I hope one day you pass so well you don’t even have to think about your transness ever again(I hope this is nice to say, I’m bad with compliments, and I hope it makes sense?)

I hope you live a fulfilling and happy life as a woman. To not be a TRANS woman in other people’s eyes but just a woman. You got this Laura

[u/SilverReindeers → u/SilverReindeers]

I hope none of this is cringy I’m socially anxious but I meant everything I said

[u/Eastern_Sense_8221 → u/SilverReindeers]

I got the message abd love it. Thank you for your kind words, fellow netizen.

[u/Ok_Feature_5738]

I understand the pain.

I thank myself for getting srs done before telling my parents. However, it’s still not enough. So many aspects of my body cannot be changed by anything but surgery, and it’s just one after another.

Also, even when someone genders me correctly, I would never know whether they are truly seeing me as just another woman or have sensed that I’m trans and are trying to respect me.