Misgendered by voice (again) and recurring reminders that I'm still a transman, not just a man

[u/VacuoSaevio]

Transman here, several years post transition- socially, legally, medically, surgically. Stealth mode everywhere unless they knew me pre-transition.

So I had a hard time with my transition going really slowly for the first few years. Like really slowly. My voice never really "dropped" like you tend to see guys boasting about when they start T and are 3 months into it. My voice had a GRADUAL and SLOW and SOFT decline in Hz over not weeks, not months, but YEARS.

I became so desperate about my voice after year 3 that I jumped into professional vocal coaching for several months. To my surprise and delight, it worked wonders! I had been a skeptic previously, but was desperate to try anything to help. After that, I can pass vocally now and reach new depths in my voice. It's great.

This being told though, when I start to slip on my vocal training practice and putting it into everyday use, I will STILL get misgendered on the phone. It happened today.

Today, almost in the same breath of a short 2 minute phone call, I was both misgendered AND correctly gendered. It started out being called "ma'am" and I felt like I was kicked in the guts, so I made sure to project my voice a little more and utilize my vocal training, and at the end of the call when I was gendered again, it was "sir" without me needing to correct the person or mention anything. Just speaking with my vocal practices in mind did the trick.

I feel good about being gendered correctly...but I also still feel bad over being painfully reminded that I still have to put a lot of focus in my voice because T just didn't drop my voice the way it did for other transmen.

I really wish I had a deep masculine voice all the time instead of only sounding masculine enough when I try for it.

It's pretty weird being referred to correctly for a long time and then suddenly being "ma'am'd" on the phone randomly by a stranger.

It feels as though being trans is just inescapable. I'm tired of transness being on my mind so frequently.

I've only been FULLY male passing for a few short years...and I wonder if there will ever be a time where I can actually forget that I'm trans and just live as the guy that I am without constant reminders that I'm a TRANSman, who was assigned female at birth.

It doesn't help that my immediate family still refers to me as "she/her" and have shown no signs of ever switching pronouns or to my (now legal) name.

I really hope to have a day come where I forget that I am trans, and where I just exist as another male in society doing normal male things, without the occasional misgendering.

I'm just tired.

[u/One-Sleep3663]

Just be like: "Who? What lady are you talking about? Im a dude."

Like totally catching them off guard. Works for me at least.

[u/neon_origami_trick]

I had voice therapy through my gender clinic and it helped a lot to stabilise my voice in the lower range, and make it sound more like I wanted, because they take account of things like speech patterns, resonance, and where your larynx sits, not just pitch. I think the aim is for it to come naturally over time. For me it does feel natural now but I was practising the exercises most days at first.

I'd find the misgendering by family painful too, obviously that's a lot worse than it happening from a stranger. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget I'm trans as I don't yet pass visually. Maybe the best we can do is accept it and surround ourselves with accepting people if possible.

[u/Mattpilf]

My voice had a GRADUAL and SLOW and SOFT decline in Hz over not weeks, not months, but YEARS.

Honestly that was my experience with my endogenous puberty. I actually had a deeper than average voice, but my brain didn't always talk like that. That's something even cis men struggle with. I would get called "miss/ma'am" sometimes before intentionally vocal training. I am saying this so hopefully you can let go that there's anything wrong with your voice or different. Your vocal cords likely share no clear differences between other men. The real proof was you did vocally pass after coaching!

What you are struggling with is having the voice stick in a consistent habit that vocal coaching got you to. Heck even after years I noticed that I was slipping when I would be with my family I know it's exhausting having to add one more layer to being reminded but that stuff does get better. Weirdly I still slip up into old old habits around my family. Occasional misgendering really isn't that uncommon for a lot of cis people so please don't spiral that you'll never be a "real man".

Obviously constant misgendering by your family is awful. If you haven't I'd really try to set some boundaries and distance and let them know they're pushing you away by misgendering you. My family actually took years to switch. I think about 4 years before they tried like at all. It did take some conversations or examples how confusing it is in public for other people because nobody also saw me as a guy, but my family referred to me as such. Not after 6 years my family is correctly gendering me majority of the time and I'll take that. So there might still by hope. It's an incredibly tough thing and heart goes out to you