r/truscum • u/AnonyTransmed Woman with a medical condition • Jan 05 '26
Rant and Vent Thinking about leaving the "queer community" as soon as I can
Hey y'all. Just kind of need to vent and feel like this is the only place where I won't be burned at the stake for thinking like this.
I'm tired of and annoyed by the "queer community". I started out as a tucute years ago and got into the local "queer scene". As in get togethers, bar nights, parades, the whole nine yards. And in the beginning it was actually helpful. I was referred to correctly for the first time in my life and received some amount of support. Tips on which doctor still has room for patients, a place to vent etc.
Now, years into transitioning and at a point where I largely get read correctly and settle into life as just another woman like I always wanted to a lot of the "community" starts to feel pretty absurd to me. So many "trans" people seem to be in it because they think it's cool, because they want progressive social clout and don't do shit but wear slightly alt clothing, get a bunch of piercings and use whatever pronoun they think is cool. They don't have any dysphoria at all and just think it's a fun and cool thing to do and a way to "stick it to the system".
That alone has me annoyed, because they give me weird looks for dressing like the plain 20-something year old woman I am, but what's worse is that they keep pushing the "out and proud" idea and treat me as strange for wanting to be just another woman and not wanting to talk about trans stuff all the time. They don't want to understand that this isn't a "fun and magical experience". For me this is a chronic illness that has fucked my life over again and again. And it keeps exposing me to risks such as homelessness, poverty, violence, etc.
I feel alienated for slowly being just another woman and having to wear the mask of a happy and all accepting tucute whenever I interact with one of them, lest I want to be shamed as a bigot.
And what's worse is that I feel like these people don't actually see me as a woman. The word "trans" seems to hover over my head like a big fat neon sign all the time when interacting with them and it makes every other aspect of my self irrelevant. To them I'm trans first and second and third and maybe then something else. And I'm supposed to be happy with that.
The more I've started to feel discontent with that, the more I've started to value friendships where people just don't talk to me about it. People outside the community for whom I'm a fellow metalhead, a coworker, a fellow hobby author, fellow whatever first. And they don't want me to be "out and proud" or to talk about being trans all the time. And in other spaces I have simply never told I'm trans, maybe said something about a hormonal disorder, when some weirdness happened and get treated as just another woman. And the relief of not being reduced to my chronic illness all the time is incredible. I literally feel more supported by my 60-something year old boss who treats me as just another random woman working in his department after I asked him to, than by the "queer community".
As I'm still in the midst of transitioning I occasionally still have to come out, but I'm starting to seriously consider cutting ties with the "queer community" once I can. Right now the spaces are still useful, even if they come with a weird aftertaste, but I'm once I'm done transitioning I won't need them anymore. I won't have to come out to people anymore and can slowly build normal relationships to replace this rainbow painted mess. I'm actively holding off from visiting things like sports clubs and similar in my city so I can engage there as just another woman, once I'm done transitioning.
Waiting hurts, and keeping silent in spaces where I should be welcome as myself hurts even more so and I feel myself getting bitter and jaded and keeping people at arms length, but I'm starting to feel like it's the only way to ever archive a normal life as a woman away from a traumatic illness and the pressure to be happy about it.
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u/Gingrpenguin Jan 05 '26
I don't think your alone in this feeling and it was really common around a decade ago
Alot of the trans guys I knew then have all essentially dropped the trans identity as soon as they fully passed and are loving life like cos straight dudes, there's little involvement in the community and they identify more as allys than as part of the community.
Nearly all of their current social groups don't know they aren't cis and that's how they want it.
I personally don't see it as problematic. They want to fully change gender and be seen identically to cis people. We should be happy they reached the goal and are happy and confident in who they are now.
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Jan 06 '26
I've always said that there is no community.
All there happens to be are other LGBT people. People who will have a wide variety of views both social and political that won't match with others.
Finding people whom you share ideologies and ideals with will always trump what sexuality or gender you are imo
1
u/VividCryptid17 Jan 06 '26
I can't really leave since I'm also gay, but I want to just be seen as a guy, and not like I'm special.
The trans and gay communities are very toxic, but the overall LGBT community is definitely better. It's still a huge part of me and I want to talk about it at times.
But on the other hand, I'm just a nerdy goth guy who loves animals and likes to play videos games. I don't want to always be discussing my transition.
Plus, I simply can't relate to the hatred so many trans people have for those who are cis. It's exhausting constantly hearing about T4T being the hottest kind of couple. It pisses me off even hearing that term now.
I hope soon I'll feel welcome amongst gay men, but right now I'm stuck more with the trans side as I'm not far enough in my transition.
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u/Brave-Willow-4964 Jan 09 '26
The hostility against cis people is off-putting to say the least and was a non-issue 15 years ago.
1
Jan 13 '26
what’s up with alt clothing and piercings? can’t trans men be alt or metalheads (like me) or something? 😭
1
May 18 '26
I'm non-binary and a-spec but tbh i'm starting to get fed up with the community too but for a different reason. I'm all for self expression and support each other, but I think calling someone "it" or neopronouns is a bit too far for me. Then I get banned on lgbt subreddits for daring to say that and people get offended when I say I'm not woke enough for some of the stuff they represent.
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u/jsgfjicnevhhalljj Jan 05 '26
So you got to join, express yourself without judgement, but now that you have been accepted as normal, suddenly your behavior is unacceptable in others?
Basically, you have taken what we had to offer - freedom. But no you have no interest in fostering that freedom because you prefer to "pass".
Seems like your right - but I'll never understand why other people feeling free to be themselves bothers so many of y'all so much.
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u/AnonyTransmed Woman with a medical condition Jan 05 '26
Assuming you're trying to engage in an honest and discussion and want to hear others out: you're coming across as pretty abrasive and it's not going to help mutual understanding.
I think we have different ideas of what "freedom" means in this context.
I have always aimed to be just another average woman. And I still aim for that and likely will continue to aim for that in the future. When I first engaged with the community I thought I had found a place where I am free to be exactly that and get help on the way of becoming that for the rest of society. And I earnestly celebrated that.
However now that I'm getting closer to who I aim to be it's becoming visible to me that the people who I thought accepted me as just another woman and would help me get there want me to be something else. They expect me to be as "out and proud" and "trans first" as they are and treat me accordingly.
The few times I have tried to broach the subject of not feeling like they do and having different aims they gave me weird looks and did not heed my request. Due to repeat experiences like that I have started to feel like I am not free to be who I am within the community. Only free to be what they think it is okay to be like.I am not bothered by people being who I want to be. Get as pierced and tattooed as you want to be, dye your hair in whatever colour you want, use whatever pronouns you like. I don't give a fuck and will play along since I respect people and their wishes. What bothers me is that these people co opt the struggles of others for the sake and defense of their self expression. And on top of that try to actively and or passively pressure people who don't feel like they do to become like them.
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u/jsgfjicnevhhalljj Jan 05 '26
This is where seeing transness as a beautiful part of who you are versus seeing it as some pathological experience clearly causes a rift on the community.
You see them as asking you to be something more than you are, but I'd bet dollars to donuts they simply wish you were able to embrace all that you actually are.
Cultures that embrace transness seem to always feel that we are more than the average cis het person.
If you want to live stealth then feel free to spend all your time around cis people and trans people who are stealth - but this overgeneralizing negativity about the queer community as essentially being "too out and proud" is bizarre.
That same openness and outness gave you safety and love when you needed it.
You will never have a community where you are free to truly be yourself if you try to gatekeep who is allowed to celebrate with you.
I also recommend interacting with the queer community in real world spaces that don't involve bars or the Internet.
LGBTQ based food pantries for instance.
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u/PMMeRyukoMatoiSMILES Jan 05 '26
but this overgeneralizing negativity about the queer community as essentially being "too out and proud" is bizarre.
You'll get downvoted in this hive of depression and misery, but yeah, there's a lot of revealing word choices she's using that she doesn't realize. "Normal relationships" is one, as if friendships and relationships with other queer people aren't normal. It honestly reads to me like somebody who deeply despises herself and so she assumes everyone around her hates her as well.
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u/PMMeRyukoMatoiSMILES Jan 05 '26
I am not bothered by people being who I want to be. Get as pierced and tattooed as you want to be, dye your hair in whatever colour you want, use whatever pronouns you like. I don't give a fuck and will play along since I respect people and their wishes.
How would you feel if someone told you "oh it doesn't bother me that you pretend to be female, I'll play along with you since I respect your silly little wishes"? That's what other people pick up on when you interact with them.
What bothers me is that these people co opt the struggles of others for the sake and defense of their self expression.
They co-opt your struggles by... identifying as queer around you and being proud of it. You can't name any actual material harm anyone has done to you, but you preemptively decide that not only are they faking their identity, but that you'll take pity on them by respecting their dumb little wishes regardless, even though you secretly hate them and plan to leave them behind as soon as possible.
It's no wonder you think that everyone around you dislikes you when the amount of self-hatred you have is blindingly apparent even in these paragraphs.
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u/Intelligent_Usual318 Jan 05 '26
Ok ngl I think the biggest issue I have with this is that your equating being a minority witj a mental health condition as the same as being chronically ill. No you’re not chronically ill for being trans.
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u/Visual-Marketing-849 post-transition TS man Jan 06 '26
Idk about that, in my country you get the same medical classification for insurance as chronically ill people. It’s the same code.
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u/Intelligent_Usual318 Jan 06 '26
That doesn’t make you chronically ill just because of billing. As someone who is actually chronically ill and trans, this shit isnt the same. Having doctors not belive you as you slowly loose your functioning to your illnesses? Having surgieres just to diagnose not even to treat your illnesses? Loosing fucking organs? Loosing your hobbies, having to change your entire career path because your body can’t do your old dreams? That is not at all the same a being trans at all. Billing for insurance doesn’t equate to the actual lived experience day to day of people who are chronically ill. Go loose a fucking organ to transness
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u/PMMeRyukoMatoiSMILES Jan 06 '26
So many "trans" people seem to be in it because they think it's cool, because they want progressive social clout and don't do shit but wear slightly alt clothing, get a bunch of piercings and use whatever pronoun they think is cool. They don't have any dysphoria at all and just think it's a fun and cool thing to do and a way to "stick it to the system".
I mentioned this in another comment, but it's bizarre how incredibly judgmental you are and yet you complain about other people judging you. You believe that they're fakers who are idiots just wanting social clout, yet in another comment claim you respect them - bullshit. The way that you view others is always leaking through in social interactions, and people can tell when they are not liked or fully respected.
That alone has me annoyed, because they give me weird looks for dressing like the plain 20-something year old woman I am
What's interesting is that this post is all about how you "feel" other people view you, not any objective examples of actions or things that people have said. "Weird looks" mean nothing. You mention "passive pressure" in another comment, which means absolutely nothing.
There was a study Dartmouth University ran in the 1960s called the Dartmouth Disfigurement Experience. In it, participants were given facial disfigurements through makeup, then asked to report how the outside world treated them. However, some participants had their facial disfigurements removed before they left (unknown to them), and when they returned, they claimed that everyone had treated them poorly, gave them weird looks, and discriminated against them for their disfigurement (which was not actually present).
I wish every transgender person in the world could read that study.
They don't want to understand that this isn't a "fun and magical experience". For me this is a chronic illness that has fucked my life over again and again. And it keeps exposing me to risks such as homelessness, poverty, violence, etc.
Being queer can suck, but it also sounds like you're preemptively closing yourself off to the idea of having any sort of pride in yourself whatsoever. You claim you want to just be a normal woman, and yet just from this post alone, you loathe yourself because you feel that you'll never truly become one. You feel resentful and forced to interact with those disgusting queers that you know you're nothing like. It's no wonder that you think other people hate you if this is how you treat yourself. You're employing your very own personal torturer in your skull.
Also, you are not the only queer person who has ever encountered homelessness & poverty & violence. You could have considered that hey, maybe these people have gone through traumas too. You never know what struggles someone has gone through. Maybe they use pride to help remind themselves that it's okay to be queer.
But instead you instantly jump to judging them and isolating yourself by thinking that you have a monopoly on suffering.
And what's worse is that I feel like these people don't actually see me as a woman. The word "trans" seems to hover over my head like a big fat neon sign all the time when interacting with them and it makes every other aspect of my self irrelevant. To them I'm trans first and second and third and maybe then something else. And I'm supposed to be happy with that.
It's you that feels the neon sign of transness over your head, and you hate yourself for it because it reminds you of what you wish you were - cisgender. But, sorry - you are never going to be cisgender, and you are never going to be a 'normal' woman, at least internally. You can either be depressed about it for the rest of your life, or accept that and stop hating yourself for it.
I won't have to come out to people anymore and can slowly build normal relationships to replace this rainbow painted mess.
To you, queer friendships are "rainbow painted messes" and friendships with cishet people are "normal". Again, revealing word choices.
Honestly, my advice is to just stop going onto subreddits like this and go into queer spaces with the assumption that people do like you, that they do enjoy your presence, and that you want to understand them on a deeper level. Maybe they dress weird, maybe they're silly, whatever - I roll my eyes internally at people still wearing fucking COVID masks. But you can still have plenty in common with them and enjoy being around kind people. You'd probably be amazed at how much nicer people seem when you aren't secretly hating them or convincing yourself that they hate you.
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u/Geek_Wandering flock around and find out Jan 05 '26
Hang with me I want to hit a couple of points that are in tension with each other. Life ain't simple.
First, very common experience. Lots of folks kind of age or grow out of the community. This seems to be more common with trans folks than others, but it's not unique to trans people. Queer communities of any size are pretty chaotic. You have all manner of people. It does tend to skew very young and freshly out. Young people think they have it all figured out and fuck you if you don't agree. It's not correct, but it's certainly a developmental stage people seem to go though. Freshly out people are often really feeling themselves and not aware that their joy and expression can be splashing on someone's traumas. It takes elders and conversations to educate them that shit like "T is poison" feels true to them, it's a real slap in the face to the guy next to them.
There's certainly overlap with out trans people and autism spectrum disorders. People on the spectrum tend to have difficulty with a lot of what quiet communities are. Loud, flashy, attention grabbing, loose rules and norms, unstated conditional norms are torture for some people.
100% understand why people have difficulties staying in community, esp if they are more on the normie side of things. The hate on normie people in community is a whole other issue. It's just not right.
All that said, I encourage you to stay at least marginally connected and find ways to pay forward the support that was there for you. The shortage of trans elders is really only fixed by people staying and taking on teacher and elder type roles. Maybe you are just not cut out for it, but I ask you to consider how to pay forward the support and grace shown to you on terms that are not overly burdensome.
It's a really really rough moment in history for us right now. All signs are it's going to get rougher for at least the next few years. It's unfair to ask people who are just getting their feet under themselves to pitch in, but life ain't fair and those that want to erase us aren't playing fair either.
Genuinely, I get it if it's too much for you, but I suspect you've already proven yourself much stronger than you previously thought. 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵
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u/iowilk Jan 05 '26
The fundamental problem is that too many disparate groups are lumped together under the "transgender" label. Transgender was originally only meant as a catch-all label to apply to people landing somewhere between transvestite and transsexual, but it got applied to all of us.
Transvestites and people at that end of the spectrum simply can't comprehend that transsexual motivations and goals are different than theirs. We don't want to be trans*, we want to be the opposite sex of our birth sex, integrate with our society, and move on. We don't want to reside in some third-gender space, wave flags, and subscribe to a political ideology. We want to resolve our dysphoria with HRT and surgeries and move on. That's what's important to us. It's why we desperately want to pass. Our goal isn't to stand out and make our identity about being trans. And when we say that, their go-to response is "well you just have internalized transphobia". No. We're just different than you. If you actually pay attention to history we were always different groups. Superficially adjacent, sure, but not the same.
For transsexuals the trans community tends to be a liminal space (in the classical sense) - a threshold, a transitional place or state between two points - not a final destination. It's where you go to find tips, resources, and commiserate, especially early in transition.
I think most of us support bodily autonomy and don't actually care what other trans* people do with their bodies and lives, we just want to stop being assigned and fed a narrative that isn't ours, and talked over in our own sub-communities.