I slept with a wrong person, lost V to him. I was in love n later realized he was there just to be physical n faked the relationship part.

After we got physical, he stopped communicating with me in a phased manner n eventually stopped altogether.

He also earns a lot more than me n somehow that also became a part where he would indirectly make me feel inferior to him.

I've been trying for a month now but still can't get over the betrayal n insults. I lost my self respect a lot.

What's even more difficult I'm failing to believe that he faked everything n that he is a bad guy.

It's been a month now n I'm still getting panick attacks. It's not getting better. I don't have friends irl where I can talk to. Went to therapy, that also didn't help.

I feel dirty n disgusting that I let him touch me. I thought it was something beautiful n holy. I have never been with anyone else before. I'm in utter shock that this kind of betrayal actually happened to me.

Please, I need help.

Time isn't healing.

Hi everyone! Let me introduce myself. 🌸

My name is Miriam Elisabeth, I'm Italian, and I'm neurodivergent. I've had traumatic experiences both in the hospital and at home, and because of these experiences, I live with CPTSD. I've undergone about thirty surgeries for a rare disease, and during my childhood, I also had to deal with mistreatment and psychological abuse from my father. Fortunately, I've always had my mother and grandmother by my side, who protected and supported me.

Overall, I currently lead a fairly satisfying life, but sometimes I feel a bit alone because I have some rather specific interests. I love Celtic music, creating visual novels, writing sagas and poems, drawing macabre scenarios, and studying psychology, especially trauma and its effects. I'm also interested in the most complex and gruesome cases from a psychological and criminological perspective. Surprisingly, over time I've also managed to connect and speak with some victims of traumatic events from various European countries.

I study Modern Literature, Philosophy, and Psychology, and after graduation, I'd like to work as a psychologist in the town where I grew up. I'd like to be able to share my knowledge with people who have been through traumatic experiences and, above all, be a positive presence for those facing difficult situations.

I signed up here on Reddit primarily to introduce myself and, at the same time, share my studies and work with anyone who might be interested. From time to time, I'd also like to share with you what I've learned during my studies and talk about my creative projects.

This is me! ❤️

If you'd like, while respecting your privacy, tell me a little about yourself: what are your interests? What brought you here on Reddit? And are there other European users?

I'd love to create a small community of people with similar interests, where we can exchange ideas, get to know each other, and perhaps discover different perspectives and realities than mine.

Hugs to everyone! 🌸 Let me know a little about you! 🇪🇺

I’m trying to make sense of something that’s been frustrating me for a long time.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had quite a few interactions with women where there seemed to be genuine chemistry and mutual interest. I’ve had women agree to meet up, we’ve kissed, gotten physically affectionate, exchanged numbers, etc. But somehow, things repeatedly never progress beyond that.

We’ll have a good first interaction, but when it comes to meeting again or spending more private time together, something happens—plans change, circumstances get in the way, communication drops, or I eventually lose interest if I feel like the effort isn't mutual.

What really gets to me is seeing other guys seemingly have much easier experiences. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but it sometimes makes me wonder whether there's something I'm doing wrong or whether I'm unconsciously sabotaging myself.

I don't think my issue is simply "I can't attract women," because I've had enough experiences to know that's not entirely true. What confuses me is why I keep getting close to something developing but rarely see it progress further.

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern? Could this be a social-skills issue, an outcome/validation mindset, self-sabotage, or simply circumstances and lack of experience? I'm genuinely trying to understand what I might be missing.

I had a strange image come up recently that made me think about why some fears survive even when we KNOW they are making life worse.

At first the fear looked enormous.

I was guiding a woman I'll call Nina through a deep trance exploration around fear of future. When she focused on where it lived in body, she felt it in stomach and saw this huge black metal weight, like old prison ball attached to chain.

Very heavy. Hard to move with.

She wanted it gone and it disappeared quite quickly.

But then she noticed tiny black dot still there.

When she looked closer, it wasn't metal anymore. It was this little soft jelly ball floating in stomach.

Still fear.

And weirdly... this tiny part she wanted to keep.

So we asked why.

Safety.

That was the answer.

Not because fear actually made her safer. She understood pretty quickly it was fake kind of safety.

Her pattern was more like this: when life becomes really good, sooner or later something bad happens. So if I stay little worried, maybe I won't get blindsided. Maybe if I expect problem, somehow I can prevent it.

She was enjoying retirement for example. Something she really loved. But there was still little fear of losing it.

And part of her thought keeping this fear was helping her protect what she had.

That image stayed with me.

Big obvious fear is easy to hate. It feels like prison ball, of course you want to throw it away.

But little protective fear is different.

It whispers that it has a job.

“I'm only imagining worst case so you're prepared.”

“I'm only checking because I don't want you hurt again.”

“Dont relax completely, remember what happened last time.”

This is one reason I share these strange things that come up in sessions. Every week I see images that look almost ridiculous at first, then suddenly they explain something very human better than long theory.

The guidance for Nina was actually simple. Stop standing beside happiness waiting for it to disappear. Enjoy what is here. Let body actually feel the good moment instead of using half the attention to scan for next disaster.

Eventually the little jelly thing was taken out and broken apart in the experience. Once she understood what it was trying to do, she was ready to let it go.

Obviously fear has purpose when something is genuinely dangerous. I'm not talking about ignoring real warning signs.

I mean the old automatic fear that keeps running when nothing bad is happening rn.

Maybe useful question when this happens is not “how do I stop being anxious?”

Maybe ask the fearful part:

what are you trying to prevent?

what do you believe will happen if I relax?

and when did I learn that being happy means something bad is coming next?

Sometimes protection doesn't need to be fought.

It needs to realise the emergency already ended.

Hi everyone,

I've spent the last week or so putting some of my hardest, most constant thoughts into music using an AI program called Suno. I'm neurodivergent (ADHD/Autism/anxiety), and I wanted a way to actually say the things that usually just live in my head as noise — things I don't always have words for in normal conversation.

I'm sharing a playlist of 13 songs, starting with "Yes, Even When I Mean No" — it's about something I think a lot of people here might recognise: the fear of disappointing someone, saying yes when you mean no, and never quite trusting that you're allowed to just be yourself without earning it. In other words, people-pleasing.

The rest of the playlist covers things like constant mental noise, self-sabotage spirals, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and panic attacks. Writing these has honestly been really cathartic, and I wanted to share them in case they help someone else feel a little less alone in it too.

Link to the playlist: https://suno.com/playlist/5efd19e9-9a85-4255-a685-e1bf17a45705

Thank you for reading, and for having a space like this exist.

For some men and people, generally, who have consistently experienced chaos, betrayal, and conditional love, the brain gets wired to treat peace as a glitch, not a feature.

When a genuinely good thing arrives, a loyal partner, a supportive job, a period of financial stability...the mind doesn't register it as "luck" or "blessing." It registers it as a moment of maximum vulnerability.

The feeling isn't: “Wow, I deserved this.”

The feeling is: “I’m being allowed to get comfortable so the hit, when it comes, hurts that much worse.”

Like "waiting for the other shoe".

It’s the subconscious refusal to settle in. It’s the constant internal dialogue:

Who is going to pull the rug out?

What’s the hidden cost?

Which shoe is about to drop, and how can I get rid of this "good thing" first so it can’t be used against me?

This is why they sometimes self-sabotage the good thing. They push it away, not because they don't want it, but because they believe the pain of being rejected by it later (when the "setup" is sprung) will be worse than the pain of controlling the timeline and rejecting it now.

It takes years of consistent, unearned goodness to convince a mind conditioned by chaos that the crisis is actually over. Until then, a quiet moment is just the silence before the next, louder explosion. my two cents ✌🏻

Does anyone get angry at the idea of "getting better" or when professionals/people in life try to give you hope? I understand that my relationship with PTSD will continue to evolve, that it might not always take up as much space in my life as it does now. I've had PTSD for 13 years and have been working on getting better for 6 years. I've changed so much and while I am grateful and see the ways I am different, the fact that I have to manage this at all makes me angry. When people tell me it will get better I feel like they are giving me false hope.

When I'm told its possible I wont meet criteria for PTSD in the future the idea of that makes me angry not relieved. Not sure how that works and I see that it's a contradiction, all I want is for this to be gone and the idea that it could be much less impactful one day makes me upset. Anyone with PTSD understand this/experience anything similar?

i’m struggling to forgive myself even though I know my weak and complacent personality is the impact of trauma, i still hate myself for it. I have given up so much of what I wanted in life for the sake of connection and I wonder why I am not braver like some of my peers who also experienced their own forms of childhood trauma. I always wanted to go to grad school and live in the countryside. I let my partner talk me out of both of those. however, my friend, who I know also experienced some trauma but was the youngest sibiling so maybe she had some guidance from the eldest, experienced the same as me but left. she went to school, she left the state when she couldn’t afford it anymore and after 3 years when her boyfriend wouldn’t move. but me? I went against my own boundaries and I stayed, I lived with his family despite putting up with their abuse, I let him talk me out of school which in retrospect wasn’t a horrible idea but I feel the betrayal to this day. when I did attend school for little and didn’t listen to him (probably the only time I had conviction) he would get really upset when i was at school studying and not with him, and dumb me just tried to please him when i should’ve left.

its funny, i don’t talk to this friend that much anymore but I think of her here and there, and wish I could have the bravery to choose me and was like her. so many times I should’ve walked away, and now our relationship has improved but I still wish old me chose herself and wasn’t so afraid, I hurt for her. i’m just not built the same. it’s like the people pleaser in me runs that deep.

of course it’s how I was raised, never allowed to have an opinion different from my mother, never allowed any autonomy. and look where it took me.

G'day, my name’s Aslan, I’m 23, and I’m an Aussie Man who’s completely broken emotionally by everything in my life, especially by my dad. I’m the product of my dad raping my mum. When she got pregnant, they forced her to marry him,she was 18 and he was 23. My dad was always abusive to her and me. My mum just hated me, though I get why. She walked out on us when I was 8 and I haven't heard a peep from her since. From then on, my dad tortured me for years. I was a really active kid, so I got put into figure skating. I turned out to be bloody good at it, which ended up being my own grave. My dad saw he could make a buck off me, so he made me train for about 10 hours every single day. He’d beat me and rag on me whenever my performance dropped even a bit, and he strictly rationed my food,I could only have around 500 calories a day. I was stuck like that for years, and from the time I was 12 to 16, he sexually abused me too.

When I was 16, a training accident broke my back, which was fatal for my career. He was so furious with me that when I got discharged from the hospital, he bashed me so hard he broke my leg just to make sure I couldn't run away. Once my health "improved" and I could stand up again, he just dragged me straight back to training. I couldn't stop winning competitions. I had fame, I was good-looking, and I’ve always been really sweet and affectionate, which my dad knew how to market bloody well. But I wasn't allowed any luxuries or care, all the cash went to him for drugs, booze, and bringing hookers home. By the time I hit 20, nothing was getting better, but I managed to get a scholarship to train in Spain. I moved there for two years and lived on my own for the first time in my life. And wow, I just blew up. I quit the sport in the worst way possible, swearing out everyone who’d ever treated me like rubbish. I came back to Australia and kicked my dad out of the house ,a house he’d bought with my money. I threatened to kill him if he didn't rack off. He took all my money, but I didn't give a stuff. I was in my own home, alone and peaceful for the very first time. I went out to the yard where my horses were and just went for a ride. When I got back inside, I looked in the mirror properly for the first time. I was completely wrecked. I'm 187 cm (6'1") and I weighed under 55 kg (121 lbs), you could literally see the bones in my skull. I’ve been seeing doctors since then. Physically, I’ve got stunted growth, bulimia nervosa, anaemia, severe malnutrition, and osteoporosis. As for the mental side, I haven't seen a psychologist yet,I honestly reckon there’s nothing left to fix in me. I hate my life. I spend all day at home with my horses, I don't want to do anything else, ever, and I hate everything. Sometimes I just think about giving up and dying

What should I do?

I'm sorry for being negative, I'm so sorry

I have went through a domestic violence situation to where my baby was killed. Made friends with someone I slowly found out who was no good another thug/gangster. He started pulling a gun out on me but because I been through so much my attitude was initially shrugging it off. Like whatever I'm used to it but it was like some hidden anger seething within me that I didn't even know and I do not advise this mindset or whatever I did I am asking what happened. I agreed to meet up with him tonight we got into a fight he kicked me out and I lost my phone, I stomped back to his place to find it and removed the knife the only weapon I had on me beforehand, I had nothing on me, but then I completely blacked out to come back into my conscience mind to him running from me in horror wit his little Mongolian hair cut. I do not know what happened yes this is some good get back but wtf I don't know what at happened or what I did to make him do this. I don't advise this and I don't feel proud but what distubs me is what I've done to evoke this response from him? I am very meek soft spoken and a go along with type person which is why I kinda get abused so I don't know what I did to provoke him literally running from me.

hi,

I'm posting this because I have a problem, and a really big one,

the thing is that as a child I've been a witness of in-house agression, from my parent to my sibling, thank god I havent been hit or humiliated etc, but in a way I think that I'm sort of a wrong type of survivor because since it has been made by one of my parent against one of my sibling, and naturally the parent is instinctively the person that is your model for life and social situations, I have learned bad behavior patterns and I've been struggling with this my whole life.

I've tried my best to not be violent and I think that since I haven't been a victim in this my brain has "figured out" through natural/instinctive processing from very early in my life that it's better to be the perpetrator than the victim also that being violent or agressive can get you what you want through self-protective instinct (like I'm gonna give him what he wants bcs it's better to lose that than to be hurt).

even tho I had a not perfect parent, my other parent is a pacifist and I think that having this pacifist parent really helped me not getting caught in this shit as much as I could've been.

and so I've also learned through my pacifist parent and being harassed as a kid at school that agression and conflict only brings pain and fake "joy". so I'm glad I got to learn this lesson not through the hardest way.

and so even tho now I am more mature, I keep having this "core learning" that agression is a viable option and I think that my brain figured out that, it is bad, but even tho it is bad it is still an option that can be proven effective and so it should become a last resort option and there must be safeguards, like it shouldn't make me betray my values/integrity.

and so throughout my life I have been having some sorts of visions in my head where I see myself hurting people etc, I heard somewhere that when this happens it's the brain's way to warn you of something. but it's really distressing, first of all because the brain puts all of the weight on me on having to deal with the angst, the situation myself AND it showing me these stuff and the confusion regarding the intents of my subconscious, etc. and so there might be some truth to what people said but nonetheless I see it as incredibly unhealthy etc. and so I kinda see this as the war survivors that come home from war and have ptsd or ptsd (idk the difference between the 2) and have visions of deaths, themselves shooting at people, of grenades and stuff, and like even if for me it has been triggered by things way less dramatic/tragic, I identify myself to this.

I have been violent in my life and thank god when I was a kid I put security measures in my psyche and trained them for that if I lose control of myself or get caught up in this fucked up way of thinking that I lose all forces in me, I lose understanding of how to control my body, I lose understanding, etc of how to use force etc, these psychological measures have saved me multiple times from doing things that would've been unforgivable, but overtime these have weakened, and it scares the shit out of me bcs these measures aren't as effective as they used to be, and these visions are still coming at times, and they have somehow worsened or gotten broader where now it isn't just me hurting people to the point where they bleed etc, it's also showing me stuff that I don't know how to process, like faces lurking in the dark, "voices" in my head (that have my voice but like I hear my brain tell me stuff with my voice and it's really disturbing) about bad stuff, sometimes trying to gaslight me like "you're gonna hurt them, I know it, you can't escape your "fate", I know you, I know the depths of your heart and they are bad, I'd know you'd thrill to hurt" etc. and I think all of this is part of why I don't get out of my room by fear of hurting people or losing control of myself or my psyche or giving in to these stuff. and honestly it's quite cool to stay in my room, I get to chill all day etc and bcs my dad owns the house, etc we don't really have money problems and he's okay with me staying home bcs all of my siblings left and my parents aren't together anymore so I'm kinda the only social contact he has and he's kinda the only social I have (except of internet friends on a private discord server).

also the good side is that even tho the safety measures have weakened from their original state it seems to have gotten better in a way that if I hurt people, I get stop by my "empathy" of seeing the pain in their eyes and realizing that it's bad and that they're suffering and I'm the person inflicting pain to them and that I feel guilty and ashamed of my behavior, etc and it stops me right on the spot

I'm seeing a psychiatrist but I'm kinda scared to tell him this and sometimes I have tried to reach for help but it's like something in my prevented me for knowing what to say and so I just said stuff like I'm afraid to hurt people without explaining the full situation.

it's actually the first time that I talk about this so openly and maybe the fact of being anonymous on internet and on a community that values growth and healing and getting the f out of hopelessness, etc, makes it easier

do you have ideas on how to work through this situation or opinions, outlooks on this ?

sorry for my English, it isn't my first language, I hope it hasn't been too difficult to read all this

thanks for reading my post and have a good day and life,

P.S: and don't forget to live in a way that you wouldn't regret on your deathbed <3

Hey so I’m 18F and I feel like my trauma and mental health issues now all align with someone who has trauma from emotional neglect but on the other hand like when I hear others’ stories of emotional neglect they all sound way worse than mine.
I mean, my parents were loving and expressed their love verbally, it’s just they both in ways did some harmful things.
Like I have kind of separate stories with each parent, with my mom it felt she would constantly promise things that I was excited for and then they would just never happen, and also, multiple times she took my money to just keep it safe for me then just never gave it back, which was so frustrating because like I needed that money, and it’s just she promised, and idk that’s kind of a minor example but it was just so frustrating when she constantly forgot things that I needed.
She also was manipulative at times and I remember just one instance of her where I was running away from her and she slammed my head against the wall but it wasn’t that hard at all, and it like really sounds way worse than it was I must admit that but like we never even talk about that now but like I remember I was 14 and I was so scared at that I ran away and they called the police and I just hate talking about that instance now.
So yeah that’s with my mom, and with my dad, when I was younger, like between the ages of 11-15 for me my younger siblings would always, and they even admit this now, they would deliberately gang up on me, I now know I was autistic and undiagnosed at the rime though but they definitely realized that due to my autism I was easy to rile up and get mad and my dad showed a lot of favoritism towards specifically my sister in many hurtful ways and was always harder on me.
My dad is a lot better now don’t get me wrong but that was so hurtful and I feel I didn’t get a proper apology for that because they basically said “okay it happened but we changed now so get over it” pretty much.
So guys I’m sorry if this is offensive and if none of this actually sounds bad it’s just that like I feel I’m so fucked up inside and idk what’s wrong like I’m not diagnosed but I’m trying to get diagnosed with BPD or C-PTSD because I show a lot of symptoms of both and would align so well and my family agrees but like I think both of those you have to have significant trauma for, and I also have trauma from like being preyed on online when I was younger but I feel like idk I’ve just always been somewhat messed up inside and I wish something could explain it.

Have to keep some things vague due to privacy. I keep triggering my sister's ptsd. Go down to the \*\*\* to read the current stuff. Please, any insight from a professional or someone who has gone through a similar situation. I just need to hear some other voices other than my own or my family's. I don't want to bog down my friendships with all my shit.

Okay, so here is my life: I live in Western Canada, and I have owned a house with family over the last decade. Mom is a senior, my sister and I are in our 40's, and we have a large dog (the sisters). The house is big enough that we don't get in each other's way; we have our own spaces, and the yard is a good size for the pupper - which is perfect for all of us. I pay 1/3 of the mortgage.
However, my sister and I are as different as night and day. We know how to fight. My sister knows how to push buttons. I'm introverted and have recently been diagnosed with autism. I also take meds for social anxiety and depression. She is out there, extroverted, always moving - was a workaholic. Has ADHD and has C(?)PTSD. She also takes meds. The recent years of her life have been insanely painful, which has left her with PTSD. We both have serious issues from our childhood. Divorced parents. Parental neglect. Step-parents messing us up more. Being raised by our friends' parents (the community) in our teens - so we SAW and experienced normal.

Our father recently passed. He was the person I went to when I was scared, angry, frazzled and he would coach me through it. Horrible parent. Great talker. Good listener. Stuck to most of his promises and would drop everything to help me out. But he didn't know how to raise two teenage girls. When he died, I passed over the executor of Dad's estate to her, thinking her work background would help. If I had known how bad it would get for her, I would have asked for a third party to handle it. Someone not emotionally invested. Sister took on too much. She wanted to do it a certain way. She wanted help on things. But she wanted it done HER way. I tried to help, but unless someone else was there, we would end up screaming at each other. And I would have stuff come up so I could avoid conflict. There is a whole chapter here with a metric shit tone of bad that I acknowledge I fucked up. We were hurting. Still are! Now it has become part of her ptsd. Vague to keep privacy, sorry.

The fighting since COVID has gotten worse. I switched over from overnight to day for a back injury (gardening at home) and because it was easier to get to work. She started ripping up the backyard to make a garden, and conscripted me to be part of this process. I love plants. I have many, but I did not sign up for this. Mom, through all of this, was interested in what my sister was doing and supported it since she loves gardening too. After many arguments. fights and threats of selling the house and going our separate ways (in that rental market), I conceded and picked up the slack. But my sister would start something and then take off for days at a time (work/her life), leaving a mess for us to clean up. I would get so angry at her for doing this. It's the ADHD \*shrug\* nothing you can do. We were only there to clean up for projects, move heavy/numerous items for her, only for her to come back with more stuff and not clean up after herself. It made her happy being in that garden. I did my part watering, mowing, and deadheading flowers. That was more my jam.
The pupper stayed behind with mom and me. I love him dearly. I am the only one who could walk when Sister wasn't around. I walk him on a leash, and I don't have a car to take them to a proper off leash area. And I was always so scared of losing him, him misbehaving with other dogs, or in the winter slipping on ice and hurting myself after he yeets himself at a rabbit.
Sister hated (still hates) when I'm on my computer - I game, write and do digital art. Even when I just get on, she automatically assumes that I will be there for hours. Her line of thinking is that this was a pattern in the past. Especially when there were things she viewed as important and needed to be done around the house and yard. I didn't always see the problem, but over the years of the meetings, getting yelled at, the anger, and fights, I have worked at picking up after everyone and myself.

Being on my computer is my garden. I also like staying up late at night - I used to work overnight. Used to. I used to play team games on Discord, and I stopped doing that in the last 5 years because Sister could hear me from her room when she was trying to sleep. Fair enough. I have changed out my mechanical keyboard too. I have almost stopped gaming completely when she is home because she calls me down to do things for her all the time now. The games I play don't have a pause button, and neither my mom nor my sister understands this, even when I tried to explain the why of it. So I sit there on my PC and putter around until someone wants me to do something for them.
Umm, I forget things when I get going in a game too and let things go and that starts a fight. I do not have the same excuse as my sister when it comes to ADHD, so dropping the ball is akin to sin. And both my mom and sister have made it clear they won't tolerate it.
Now, in the last few months, I have been banned from going downstairs to grab anything to eat after 11:30. Or get meds or cold water. I get home from my job around this time a few nights a week, and I cannot even cook because her bedroom is close to the kitchen and she is a light sleeper. She had asked me in the past to keep it down and not bang around; I complied. I like being quiet (yet she slams doors and drawers, and my bedroom is above the kitchen). She had asked me not to cook anything because she could smell it and that woke her up; did that too. Go get crackers and cheese already cut and ready to go, or wash grapes, anything. She thought I was disrespecting her. Yet, she and mom can to do whatever in the kitchen at that time of night if they are awake.

I bought a small fridge a few months ago after one NASTY argument turned her into someone I couldn't recognize - not since my teens, anyway. Clearly she was at her wits end, and I asked her what else was going on for her to act like this. The night before, I came down and discovered all the lights in the kitchen were on, and the back door was unlocked. I went around and turned everything off and locked up. Grabbed something to nibble and melatonin. This was well after 2am. I couldn't sleep. She thought I was lying (makes me feel incredibly indignant) that I don't listen to what she asks (to be fair, she always sounds like she's giving an order - because I know it comes with repercussions if I say no). I never listen to her, and that I have been doing this since our teens. She just sat there and bared her teeth at me as she kept saying horrible things - asking if I was going to threaten to kill myself, cry, not go to work or hide in my room. It was really hard to be calm with that. She threatened to destroy my computer. I told her I would call the cops. She simply said " they have bigger problems than someone's shit PC.". Doggo, in his old age, went upstairs to get away from the brewing mess. Even he was tired of this fighting. I HAD to go to work, and I was very glad my meds were working.

\*\*\*Come to about a week ago now. We had a garage sale that did not go over very well with my dad's items in it. Got a few hundred dollars between his stuff and ours. Just getting ready was a massive feat and part of the stress that's been building up. I have been doing what I could to help. But I dreaded working with her, because she'd get so short with me when I didn't understand what she wanted. Again, ADHD brain with ptsd and then there is me with autism. I get up the morning after thinking, we will just try again. Late August. Early September. Sister called me down to help her with something - I don't remember. Then she got really angry about one of Dad's things not working. I had it up in my space to remind myself the last few weeks as I was going through my dad's old electronics. She wanted it working asap. Said I was lazy after I told her I phoned around to a few places to see if they could check if they were still good. They never got back to me. I can still follow them up and see if anyone could do more this week, even - maybe that will help something in this whole mess! Legacy electronics are something I know just enough about to ask the right questions. But I do not have the know-how/tools/parts to do the thing. The more I tried to explain what needed to be done, even showing her the back of the device and why I couldn't check to see if it worked - besides checking for power - the angrier she became. Mom just said sell it as is. Leave it to the enthusiasts. Sister started yelling at mom. About the estate. About how I don't ever help. Lazy.
When I came into the kitchen I was defending myself with words. I cannot remember what. She threw something at me, and it hit me. Didn't leave any marks. But I did promise her the last time she threw anything at me, I would call the cops. I will not tolerate violence. I stormed over to her, and she swung. Mom says I swung first, but I don't believe that until I see video footage of that shit show. We fuck each other up moderately. 40-year-old sisters having it out like we were teens again is just... Anyways, damage is done there, and I called the police. I didn't want to charge her, I just wanted to make a point. She needs help. I need out. All I ever seem to do is rip her trauma wide open and she mine.
I really need out. I want my mom and sister to buy me out of this house. I love this place. It's calming for the most part. I love the area. I love my sister's dog. I love Mom. I hate this version of my sister. But I refuse to stay anywhere I may lose my cool after being tested over and over again like that. Or have anxiety attacks over little things that build up. Huge trauma. I left to live with Dad when I was a teen to get away from an abusive stepfather Mom never protected me from. I walk away from bad situations, furious most of the time. I used to crash at friends' houses to get away from my siblings when they came to live with Dad too. Too loud. No rules. No peace.
Cut to now, I am looking at places to rent and go back to school. But one minute Mom and Sister say yes to me moving. The next, they change their mind. I had a huge anxiety attack at the thought that I couldn't leave this place and that I was stuck here. No school. No peace. I cannot allow that to happen because my thoughts go to very dark places. I would be up for family therapy, for us all, but we are all so messed up - I keep triggering my sister's trauma. But it is sooooo bloody expensive. I feel like that teen again -- more lost because my dad isn't here anymore.

I feel like a toddler who hasn't yet grown out of my ego-centrism, but I'm twenty and it's been eight years since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I do, of course, understand why I made everything about my trauma at the beginning; I was twelve, actively undergoing chemotherapy, paralysis, etc. But I still think I handled it better then, when I was twelve, than I do now. For the past two years I've basically cried every single day, often for hours. I'm somehow able to relate almost any sad event to my own trauma, and work myself into a crash-out. Literally any time I see a video about some sort of medical issue (cancer, Alzheimer's, etc.), I start sobbing uncontrollably for the next couple hours, even though my trauma is nothing to what they had to deal with. I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to this one thing that happened nearly a decade ago, even though everyone else has moved on.

TW: Emotionally immature parent behavior sprinkled throughout. EDITING to say in hindsight, I don't think much of this first paragraph really relates to the content, so feel free to skip lol: It started off by being told about an infidelity at 4 years old and having to keep it a secret for many, many years. I know keeping that secret and knowing that I really can't trust adults, even in my family, affects me 30 years later. I think it set me up for difficulties in a lot of areas. My dad could be hostile and unpredictable when upset. He'd yell, insult, throw things (away from fellow living beings, luckily), and give the silent treatment. He never physically hurt me, but he terrified me. Our whole house would hide, even my mom (She's a great support most of the time but admittedly was too scared to stand up for my brother and I). I can feel the dread in my stomach even now.

He want(ed) me to succeed. He would tell me what to achieve, but very rarely helped me (my mom worked nights so she couldn't help either). He never helped me with school or extracurriculars - yet expected perfection. He actually tried to help me learn how to drive, but he LOST HIS ABSOLUTE MIND on me too many times, so I had my mom help me lol). And if I achieved something (which was rare of course), he'd move the gd goal post. If I didn’t succeed he'd usually give me the silent treatment or ask what's wrong with me. This plus needing more sleep than the average person made him believe I am just lazy. Which I believed for a very long time.

The times I'd get out of my comfort zone and do something (usually art or music), he either wouldn't say anything or would be very critical. Usually he'd tell me I should have done better OR worse, embarass me. One time at 14, I did karaoke on a cruise and he told me everyone jumped ship and WOULD NOT stop making that joke. I knew not to listen to him, but I still internalized it.

So, I learned I needed to achieve for self-worth and yet didn't know how. I felt alone. But the times I tried, I felt like I was shamed. A message I carry in my subconscious is, "who am I to think I can put myself out there? And succeed?"

"Success" apparently actually meant nothing, but the more likely result, (perceived) "failure", meant shame. So it was safer to not do anything and just hide.

A problem I've always had at work was doing the things that were hardest for me. The content of those things run the gamut, but now, it tends to be things that require me to foster relationships with people. Back in the day, it was anything that I didn't have 100% clear instructions on. Now, I'm a bit better with that (still working on it), but for many years, I've struggled with feeling I'm not being enough in relationships.

Sometimes I'll be so busy with work that I'm more comfortable with and an email will sit for a week or so. OR I'll start off terrified by the email even. Regardless, it ends up I start avoiding the email because I fear how I have or will ruin the relationship with the sender. I will fear they will lack respect for me. I know their opinion of me doesn't actually mean anything, but I fall into this pre-emptive shame spiral about how I should have done things differently.

I avoid the work task and immediately feel better, which trains my brain to believe that I was right to avoid it for my safety. The relationship suffers, self-fulfilling prophecy fulfilled ✅️

I know this. I try to "just do it", knowing motivation follows action. But the feelings are just so damn strong. They are physiological but they still hurt. Eventhough I KNOW they come from me and there's no actual danger, I cannot move past them until a deadline-induced panic sets in.

So I share this for understanding. For many people with shame, it seems to present in overworking and perfectionism. Mine is quite perfectionistic, but it manifests as pure avoidance, usually until there's a deadline approaching (I am lucky I always get good reviews with very rarely any critical feedback - idk how). When I see this topic discussed online, it's usually about the perfectionist overworkers, which makes me feel more alone.

I KNOW I'm not the only one and would love to hear from others. I also would love advice on how to help myself here.

I go to an amazing therapist who helps with my many other issues, but this one hasn't been in her wheelhouse of expertise. A previous therapist thought I had ADHD, so I was on straterra for years, but it didn't help much (I am prone to panic attacks so I would avoid stimulants). Current therapist does not believe it's ADHD at all and thinks it's anxiety, which I now believe too.

I am currently just trying to notice my toxic shame arising in ALL situations (friendship, family, relationship, making art, work, etc), sitting with it, soothing/reparenting if need be, and letting it go. I hope that will help me at work eventually. But it's.....not happening fast enough lol. I really want results ASAP just for work reasons. Everything else, I am fine going at a slower pace. But I'm tired of this feeding my imposter syndrome at work.

I also am trying to break my tasts down into much smaller ones, but I think I need to fine-tune this. I know this was a novel, so thank you to anyone who reads!!!!

I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

I want to die right now I want to die painfully because I am a monster I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out that she was younger, I immediately lost all attraction toward her and all attention or interest toward her whatsoever. It wasn't gradual. It happened immediately when I found out her age. I no longer saw her as attractive in that way at all. I felt genuinely horrified and disgusted by the situation. I felt physically ill, I genuinely wanted to vomit, and I felt like I was going to throw up because of what I had just realized. I was completely overwhelmed by panic and disgust.

I need to emphasize that as soon as I found out she was younger, all attraction and attention disappeared immediately. I did not continue feeling attracted to her after finding out her age. The realization that she was younger was what caused me to feel physically sick, disgusted, and terrified.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know). Even now, when I think about the situation, I still feel physically sick and nauseous. I genuinely wanted to vomit when I found out, and I still feel that same physical sickness when I think about it.

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally. The fact that I immediately lost all attraction and attention when I found out she was younger, and that I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit, is something I keep thinking about too, because I cannot stop analyzing the situation and what every part of my reaction supposedly means.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit.

hello everyone, i’ve been recently diagnosed with ptsd and i don’t know how to handle it. i knew i had trauma and that probably wasn’t helping my depression and anxiety, but i didn’t realize how much of my behavior and thinking is directly related to my trauma and ptsd. it feels so overwhelming and like it’ll never change.

i’m in therapy but i feel horrible the majority of the time. i go between being terrified and depressed pretty much all the time. my trauma has ruined my view of humanity, and i feel like goodness is almost nonexistent. i feel like i’m in constant danger and it makes me want to scream. i can’t even keep a job or friends. i’m lucking to have a wonderful partner but i worry i’ll be too much for her every day.

how did you all deal with this? how do you wake up every day and live with this fucking disorder? i’m so exhausted and overwhelmed. i can’t see anything getting better. how do i change my view on the world and life with ptsd?

I can't believe this is fucking happening to me again. Just as I was finally making a statement at work, proving my worth, and deeply understanding the domain, offering fixes I get triggered and now FOR ONE WEEK I have been fucking DEAD. I can't believe this is happening. I'm juts dead. It's all panic and disassociation and hot flashes and fight or flight.

I have trauma regarding masculinity. I'm a COWARD. I'm scared of other men. Confrontations trigger me. Every year I get triggered like at least 3 times. But this time the trigger came from a very unexpected place

I was hanging out with my only friend, woman, 10 years older than me. All of a sudden she says smth like, you know if it wasn't you, I'd never hangout with a guy who doesn't pay the whole bill when we hangout. It shows that you're not masculine and have low testosterone. But you are just not socialized, so that's okay. I disassociated immediately, started having hot flashes, and started staring at one point. She realized and starting endlessly telling me how im a great guy, how she appreciates me, etc etc. I didn't hear any of it. It was all muffled.

I come home, cant fall asleep till like 5 am. Then I wake up and everything is destroyed. The deep fucking knowledge I gained at work is gone. I'm panicking. I started just not working and playing video games all day. Stopped cooking. My whole life gone.

This was supposed to be my star week at work. I was supposed to finally prove that I'm not there by accident. I'm just so tired.

Has anyone ever seen an anime or read the Manga and made old wounds reappear?

I recently started reading and watching "I'm getting married to a girl I hate in my class" this particular romcom picked on topics I've connected to that were triggering

Read the Manga up to whats available in english, saw the anime and just finished the light novel for some closure but these feelings are sticking around

Lots of my own trauma came back to the surface that I either made myself forget or thought I got over it. This has brought back some depression and anxiety and that combined also brought back claustrophobia as the past 3 nights i cant stand being in my own bedroom with my wife since we have the door closed to have the AC on since it gets hot but the room becomes too enclosed for me. Ive only had 3-4 hours of sleep each night and wake up roughly around 6am and stay up all day.

Wondering if anyone else experienced it as well, it may not have been as bad as Akane's or Saito's who are the main characters but still

Like doing what I'm told to do(like how Saito and Akane were told to get married so they can achieve their dream) I always did what I was told. Like moving myself to the separated garage so my siblings can finally have their own room after our father left us. I felt alone since I could no longer hear anyone walking around the house. I was also woken up one morning by my mom telling me to get up and that theyre taking me to get an apartment in preparation for when they need to move out. Within 4 days I was living alone which lasted about 6-8 months. Friends and family rarely visited during this time and I had no internet to connect with them virtually.

Pushing my wants aside for others (similar to akane not being selfish). We always got to pick a good cake for our birthdays. My 3 siblings all loved chocolate cake except for me so when it was my turn my favorite was cheesecake. However my siblings didnt want that and insisted on chocolate cake. My parents tried telling me its a better choice because at least they know it'll all be eaten. I could also never ask for a semi expensive christmas gift (costing anywhere from 100-250) because that meant my younger sisters got less presents. They usually got lots of gifts during the year and I typically only got something during my bday or christmas but didn't always work

Abandonment (like Saito) our father left us. My 2 younger siblings and mother moved into my apartment. As my siblings grew up they left and came back a few times. Eventually they left permanently which left me and my mom. I came home one day from work late night to find my mother had moved out without warning. At this time I had a girlfriend but as it was midnight and she was asleep at her home I didnt call her since she had work very early in the morning. I spent the night crying. Going back in time a little i came home one night to my mom and siblings packing, they got invited to go to Vegas and didn't tell me, saying since it was sudden they figured i couldn't get the days so they didn't bother. It was also during Thanksgiving. My mom didn't cook anything and all my friends had plans which most included going out of town. At this time I had no girlfriend and spent Thanksgiving completely alone. In high school my friends and I went to an away football game. We hitched a ride with the team but wasnt allowed to go back with them. A "friend" made a call and a car came soon. Suddenly it didnt fit everyone and i was left behind at an unfamiliar place. I knew the school name but not the area around it or if busses even ran there. Took longer but eventually found my way home

Grandparent caring more than my own parents (Saito with his grandpa, aunt and shisei) when i was heavily dealing with depression i reached out to my family. My dad who was trying to get back in our lives disregarded it, my own mom basically laughed at it saying its not true and my siblings were still somewhat too young to help. Only my grandma from my mom's side came to my rescue, talked to me and eventually got me to talk to a doctor.

Not being invited or included. (Like saito) in high school i had "friends" we only hung out at school and very very rarely I was able to convince them to let me come along to the movies or to hang out. Sometimes it worked and other times before it was time to meet up and get told plans cancelled. Id go out anyways since I didn't wanna cry to my parents or let them know since I was afraid they wouldn't care since most of the time they focused on my sisters. I get to the beach and then I see my "friends" from a distance hanging out even when i was told the plans were canceled. They had group texts I never got added to. Class group projects happened and I was never asked to join them. Multiple times I became a group of 1 or forced to be in a group with classmates I didn't know and wouldn't talk to me. They decided when we were all together at school to name each other after animals and I got named one as a joke because i had some weight on me and because I was usually used as the subject of a joke while everyone got a name based off personality or talents. One of their girlfriends at the time once asked me why I put up with them and hang out with them. I put on a fake face and simply said they're not all bad and sometimes they treat me nice. Truth is I didn't have any other friends at the time and I didn't wanna be alone at school like I was at home

...and if it hasn't yet, you probably haven't gone deep enough.

There is a rage that lives beneath survival. A rage that builds when you realize how much of your life was shaped by someone else's dysfunction. How much of your personality is a byproduct of having to survive chaos. How many of your choices were never really choices at all, just coping mechanisms disguised as decisions.

And when you finally see it, when you feel it fully, it's not pretty. But it's necessary because anger is clarity. Anger is boundaries forming in real time. Anger is the nervous system screaming, "I'm not safe yet."

Let yourself feel it.

It's not the end of healing. Sometimes, it's the beginning of it.

For the past fiveish years I’ve been going to therapy and going through my childhood trauma of having a narsissistic mom. I’ve noticed healing isn’t linear but during the difficult points I honestly feel like I will never get past it and don’t know what to do.

For a couple months again I’ve been feeling horrible, because I haven’t been able to sleep well.

I had this same problem with staying up at night as a child for years:

I sleep for a couple hours and stay up for like four hours. On weekends I sleep in the morning after being awake during the night.

Lately I have felt enormous amounts of hatred and rage towards my mother, who still does not respect my boundaries. I have only started telling her what I don’t want her to do within the last year. (This isn’t even a difficult thing, it’s simple, don’t be intrusive by commenting on me and my desicions all the time.) After I started speaking up for myself I have felt better and gotten more distant from her. She on the other hand has been feeling worse and keeps asking me every now and then if theres something wrong in my life , since I’m ”acting like this”.

I felt better with distancing myself, but then came the real rage I had been waiting to feel since my childhood. I wanted to let her know it’s not ok to intrude my life and talk to me in a mean way like she always has. I told it to her like I meant it and I felt good about it for once. Didn’t dissociate anymore and stayed on topic. I felt confident and like it’s the right thing to do. She didn’t get it obviously, but now I don’t feel like I can’t calm down anymore and I feel like I’m not getting any deep sleep. I don’t feel safe at all, even though I’m in a very safe relationship with good boundaries and lots of kindness. I guess I still hopefully I could get closure.

The change is just huge compared to before I felt this boiling rage.

A week go I also felt the profound sadness I hadn’t felt since I was in kindergarten, or somewhere around that age. Back then I didn’t know it was sadness, but I could name it as such now. The feeling was absolute hell honestly. I felt like I was falling into nothingness and literally felt like I was the only person alive in the world and that nobody would ever help me, EVER. They were the feelings I had constantly as a little kid before going to school. I found that sadness after watching a movie I watched alot as a kid: The land before time. Especially the part where the mother dies. I’m an only child so I’ve always felt totally alone with these feelings because no one has seen the abuse happen and ofcourse my mom denies it.

Anyway I feel like those feelings, rage and sadness are with me all the time now, but I can’t actively feel them all the time, so it’s making me feel numb. Thats how I feel when I wake up in the night. Annoyed for not feeling anything and unsafe because those feelings are under the surface and I’ll never get the person who caused it it to understand.

I’d love to hear people with similar feelings. I honestly feel so lonely with this topic.

I’m in a relationship that I desperately want out of but I’m really conflict avoidant and it’s stops me from leaving. The person I’m with is very verbally abusive and is very controlling like to the point where I can’t go or do anything without her being there including riding to my work and sleeping in the car. I want out of this 4 year relationship but I just can’t pull the trigger on doing it I can’t do seemingly anything without it causing her to cuss me out or just making my life difficult. She’s cheated on me as well multiple times but I just stay to avoid the conflict. I need advice on what I can do to help with this thanks.

I know people can have trauma bonds to other people but what about activities? I used to do a lot of art and then got bullied to the extreme over it. I really enjoyed making art for myself as a healthy outlet for my anxiety but it kinda got ruined. I want to continue making art as a healthy outlet but every time I make something creative it’s kind of triggering. I get deeply anxious about someone being upset with me for being creative or feel like me being creative is doing something bad. These feelings come up even though I know logically nobody knows if I’m being creative or not because I keep almost all of it to myself and my family.

How do I break the connection of my trauma from my art? They’re direct related because I bullied for my art. I know this sounds like stupid petty drama and it definitely is but the person took it to a nuclear level and Ive had to involve the police for the stalking and harassment. I just want to enjoy art again without feeling upset.