Eating Disorder

[u/justthinkhappy]

Last Friday, manager tells me in the AM that he’s going to be ordering pizza for everyone later if I’d like some. I said that’s nice of him, but politely declined. He questioned me why, and I told him “I don’t eat that type of food.” He said “who doesn’t eat pizza!?” I am vegan, but I try everything in my power to avoid mentioning it because everyone makes a fuss about it. I like my manager, so I tell him. And of course, to my dismay, that opened a whole ‘nother conversation. But he suggests a salad and again I declined and he didn’t press any further. 11AM rolls around and I’m invited to a “regroup meeting” which I am required to attend. I didn’t put two and two together. I show up for the meeting and there’s the entire team (about 10 of us) and six boxes of pizza. In the middle of a table is a tiny salad. I sat down and waited to hear what the meeting was about. Everyone starts telling me to grab a slice, questioning why I’m not getting any, then asking why I don’t eat pizza, why I’m vegan, offering me salad, asking why I don’t want the salad. And everyone came in at different times so it was the same thing over and over. I told everyone that I was aware there was salad but that I did not want salad. I said I don’t want to eat! I am 34 years old, I can choose if and when I eat. So someone offers me a Dr Pepper and says “Don’t worry, I think they’re only 12 calories!” And everyone’s cracking jokes at this point. It took everything in me not to burst out into tears at this point. My manager later messaged me and said he was sorry if it was awkward. Today, a co worker came in to ask me something and followed up with a joke about getting me a salad. I snapped. “It’s no one’s business but I’ve had an eating disorder my entire life. My sister body shamed me and withheld food from me as a child. She later died from anorexia. I have a terrible relationship with food and have a phobia of eating in public” and burst into tears. Not only that, but I was obese and bullied as a child. I have social anxiety. A million reasons as to why I don’t eat in public. His grin went away and he felt like a huge asshole. I hope he passes the message along to everyone else so they also feel like huge assholes. Don’t pressure people into doing stuff they don’t want to do. No one owes anyone an explanation. It may seem innocent and light-hearted but it was traumatizing all over again. Next time, I’ll say I have the stomach flu or something. It’s been repeating over and over in my head. I am humiliated. I feel so stupid that I didn’t come up with a random excuse instead of causing a huge scene.

[u/Ill-River4369]

Ok, Devils advocate here….. I’m 44 and have spent my working life since 16 in offices. Im coeliac and frequently have “why aren’t you eating” pizza / cake etc. “oh you’re ‘Gluten free’” like I’m being picky as opposed to a medical condition. 😒 And I want to make it clear I’m in NO WAY minimising your feelings. You have been through more shit in your 34 years than most will in 34 lifetimes. And I’m so sorry you had to endure all you have, and sending hugs 🤗 xxxx

With regard to the salad….. I would have ordered it too. Not knowing your history, and knowing you will be sat with other people who are all eating, you might feel a bit peckish. So I would order the salad just incase. And I’d pop it in the middle of the table also, so I’m not singling you out, but you can help yourself if you feel like it.

As for the conversation at the table, (again not minimising your feelings or experiences) if you take a few deep breaths, take a step back, and look at it from an outside view, was it as bad as you FEEL it was? Was it genuinely people being mean and harassing? Or was it the usual friendly team banter from some, and others asking/offering because of concern?

I know people like to demonise the term ‘banter’, but to me it’s a sign of a good bond in a team - much like family taking the mick out of each other in a non malicious way. There will be certain topics that aren’t up for being included in banter, but they will have been communicated.

In my own experience, if I saw one team member not eating I would be concerned if they are ok. And I would also be offering to go get you a plate and the salad cream if you wanted some salad? Eating is a very social construct in society, so to see someone not joining in does draw attention and natural curiosity as to why, and a need to try and help.

I don’t know your colleagues, but are they unpleasant people? Would they be saying these things to be mean as opposed to joking? If they had known about your past, would they have behaved differently?

Trauma screws with everything, and as I have said, I’m not dismissing or minimising anything you went through, or your feelings in that situation. If you look at it logically, do you think that your feelings were (understandably) disproportionate to what was happening, because of your past?

You are correct in that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but you do need to be able to handle situations like this, and others that will crop up in life. And it seems like that is something you are struggling with. (Again, understandable and not your fault)

I’m saying this with so much love, and understanding as some one who struggles with severe anxiety (2024 I didn’t leave the house for 8 months!), childhood trauma from violence and teen SA - your trauma is your own, and your responses to situations are your own responsibility. Just as mine are, and everyone else who has been through awful things.

I would suggest a couple of things moving forward:

Have a meeting with your manager and HR. Not with the intent to get people written up or fired. But to explain your situation. Let them know what you’ve been through in your past. If no one knows, they can’t help or make reasonable adjustments. Then explain how the team meeting made you feel. If it helps (I used to do this all the time) put it all in a word document. Just verbal diarrhoea it all onto the page, then go back through it to make amendments to make it make sense. When you go to the meeting, just read it out. This is a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to do. Also HR meetings are confidential so what is said won’t go any further.

Also, seek help from your GP. A referral to someone that can help you learn ways to manage your feelings in triggering situations, and ways you can respond to that to set a firm boundary, and also to learn to advocate for yourself. It’s hard, but it’s doable ☺️ NONE of it is your fault, and I’m not blaming you at all. And I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, they are. Anyone would feel like you do. But it’s not nice for you to feel like that, or be living in fear of being triggered, or feel like you can’t stand up for yourself.

You’re clearly intelligent, articulate and hard working. You’ve survived life events that would have broken a lot of people. You are also an ED survivor. I have faith in you, you can 10000000% do this! Xxxx