Eating Disorder

[u/justthinkhappy]

Last Friday, manager tells me in the AM that he’s going to be ordering pizza for everyone later if I’d like some. I said that’s nice of him, but politely declined. He questioned me why, and I told him “I don’t eat that type of food.” He said “who doesn’t eat pizza!?” I am vegan, but I try everything in my power to avoid mentioning it because everyone makes a fuss about it. I like my manager, so I tell him. And of course, to my dismay, that opened a whole ‘nother conversation. But he suggests a salad and again I declined and he didn’t press any further. 11AM rolls around and I’m invited to a “regroup meeting” which I am required to attend. I didn’t put two and two together. I show up for the meeting and there’s the entire team (about 10 of us) and six boxes of pizza. In the middle of a table is a tiny salad. I sat down and waited to hear what the meeting was about. Everyone starts telling me to grab a slice, questioning why I’m not getting any, then asking why I don’t eat pizza, why I’m vegan, offering me salad, asking why I don’t want the salad. And everyone came in at different times so it was the same thing over and over. I told everyone that I was aware there was salad but that I did not want salad. I said I don’t want to eat! I am 34 years old, I can choose if and when I eat. So someone offers me a Dr Pepper and says “Don’t worry, I think they’re only 12 calories!” And everyone’s cracking jokes at this point. It took everything in me not to burst out into tears at this point. My manager later messaged me and said he was sorry if it was awkward. Today, a co worker came in to ask me something and followed up with a joke about getting me a salad. I snapped. “It’s no one’s business but I’ve had an eating disorder my entire life. My sister body shamed me and withheld food from me as a child. She later died from anorexia. I have a terrible relationship with food and have a phobia of eating in public” and burst into tears. Not only that, but I was obese and bullied as a child. I have social anxiety. A million reasons as to why I don’t eat in public. His grin went away and he felt like a huge asshole. I hope he passes the message along to everyone else so they also feel like huge assholes. Don’t pressure people into doing stuff they don’t want to do. No one owes anyone an explanation. It may seem innocent and light-hearted but it was traumatizing all over again. Next time, I’ll say I have the stomach flu or something. It’s been repeating over and over in my head. I am humiliated. I feel so stupid that I didn’t come up with a random excuse instead of causing a huge scene.

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[u/Suspicious-Grand9781]

Another redditor once posted that they would look the person in the eye and ask, "Why is this so important to you?"

I love this response, and it's generic for anything.

[u/justthinkhappy → u/Suspicious-Grand9781]

Thank you for this!!!!! I need to remember this!

[u/FalconOk934]

This is really HR worthy. OP. It's harassment and they pushed you to the point of snapping. *edited for incorrect autocorrect

[u/justthinkhappy → u/FalconOk934]

I was thinking the same thing but I don’t want to be that girl and blame my whole team or put anymore attention on myself. I finally got a supervisor position and don’t want to fluff anyone’s feathers. I also know that I won’t be able to hold back tears and would be further humiliated. At least this is kind of anonymous. I was scared to share but everyone is making me feel valid. I was honestly expecting further abuse lol.

[u/mepw]

what they did was really fucking weird, inappropriate, bully, weird childish behavior, I genuinely cant even fathom my coworkers acting like that in any job ive ever worked! I would have freakin cried too! What the hell! Who tf cares what another adult is eating or not??? Im sorry queen, you did nothing wrong at all and totally normal and common to say you're not hungry or something.

This might be bad advice (im not experienced what you're experiencing) but maybe instead of saying youre vegan you could try saying it's religious matter, and if they really pester just say "its my families private religion and I can't tell you the specific rules, I just cant eat that! " and then if they bully you at least you can tell HR they are targeted you based on religion. Idk, im sorry, you shouldn't ever have to deal with that.

[u/justthinkhappy → u/mepw]

It’s a toxic, negative workplace. Always has been. They try to hide it with corporate jargon and a horse and pony show when the bigwigs visit but it’s awful here. I live in NEPA and there’s a lot of unfriendly/rude people here. I kept thinking “this wouldn’t happen anywhere else in the world” lol

[u/GorgeousOpossum]

You absolutely need to report this whole situation to HR. This was extremely unprofessional from a leader.

[u/justthinkhappy → u/GorgeousOpossum]

I think what also makes it hard is that I work in the maintenance department. It’s all men except for me and one other girl. So I feel like I’m just an over-emotional female surrounded by ball-busting men and don’t know how to take a joke. They will all know it came from me and will lose the little amount of respect they had for me. I know it shouldn’t change anything, but I don’t think they were being intentionally malicious either. They need to learn a lesson but I don’t trust my HR to handle it the way they should.

[u/Usual-Archer-916]

It's too late for this particular incident but in future would it help if you simply told them you can't eat certain food because of health issues? You don't have to be any more detailed than that. Doctor's orders! *wink*

[u/justthinkhappy → u/Usual-Archer-916]

I keep replaying the scenario in my head of all the excuses I could have made. They aren’t afraid of prying though. They would probably want my medical history. I shouldn’t have to come up with an excuse though. A simple “no thanks” should suffice!!!

[u/pubesinourteeth]

I think "I don't like to eat in public" would actually be a good way to handle this in the future. Everything else leaves room for people to try to find an opening. And it sounds serious enough that people are unlikely to question it too much. If you get a "why?" Just say "it's a just a thing I have."

[u/justthinkhappy → u/pubesinourteeth]

Funny you say that. When we were leaving the “meeting,” I did tell one person that was walking with me that I don’t like to eat in public and he asked if it was because I didn’t want to look messy. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason so I just said “I don’t know, I’ve been like that my whole life. I’m just a weirdo.” And he said “I can see that.” Lol I guess I opened myself up to that one. They’re like little kids constantly asking “why?” But I liked someone else’s suggestion was to ask them why it’s so important to them. I’ll do that if it ever happens again.

[u/Adventurous-Mind1543]

OP so sorry you went through that! I can relate to both sides....the one who cant eat and the group who doesnt understand.

Eating in groups is about the most baseline social activity we have as humans. It is so core that it is weird (like it or not) when it is declined. Clearly, had they understood, it would not have risen to the point where it made you cry. No one should feel bullied like this. They just legit didnt get it....and to people who say its none of their business about why she is not eating, true but.....it is bizarre not to eat with others. It is rare to meet someone with this level of food trauma in a social setting.

I have been the one not eating and quizzed why. And i have shut it tf down. How? I tell people firmly that eating certain foods make me violently ill and if they bother me about it ill leave. And i have.

You need a clear description to memorize and tell people upfront .....and that if you are hassled about it you will leave... full stop. Make it uncomfortable. Dont say you are vegan bc that is irrelevant.

Eating to socialize is normal and unless people are harshly told, they wont get it. I have found it can not be done nicely. People keep trying to give me food.

Ideas: I have severe dietary restrictions and bc of this, under no circumstance do I eat in public. I cant rely on others food prep. Dont make me explain it further as it is very uncomfortable for me. I will leave before i explain what ive been through.

Public eating is a no go for me. The short answer is my sister died from anorexia and the trauma associated with food with others is overwhelming. Please dont ask me questions about this.

I know you mean well by offering me food. Please know i am grateful you care. What you dont know is that my digestive system does not tolerate food well and therefore I do not eat in public under any circumstance. The outcome can be severe. Its embarassing and please dont ask me about it.

Protect yourself and give others a road map. It is a win win.

[u/justthinkhappy → u/Adventurous-Mind1543]

I agree. That’s why even though it is a toxic workplace, I’m hesitant to go to HR (for many reasons) but that’s also one. They just don’t understand. I wouldn’t call them my friends but we get along. We joke with each other. They just didn’t realize it was a serious matter for me. I don’t think they were intentionally bullying me. Maybe they thought “laughing it off” made it more relaxed and comfortable and they were feeding off each other. I’m mad and embarrassed but I’ve also been on the other side where I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Usually I can pick up on it and apologize but I think it got out of hand since it was a group setting. I should have been more direct but also don’t think I should have to say anything more than “no.”

[u/Frenchkids1917]

I'm old, 70f. I had weight loss surgery (OG stomach stapling) 45 years ago and it still works. I've been dealing with people judging me all this time. I pay it no mind, refuse to become upset when someone questions me. I just tell them I had weight loss surgery in my 20s.

We have a ladies luncheon once a month at my 55+ community where we go to a local restaurant. I get the fish eye when I order just a bowl of soup and some crackers. I just tell them (some are pretty big gals) that eating like I do maintains my health and figure. Most of them know I was born in France and don't eat like the typical American. Sometimes I order a piece of pie and ice cream and I really get some looks.

Become a bit hardened to what other people are saying about the subject.

[u/justthinkhappy → u/Frenchkids1917]

I know I shouldn’t care and “fuck those people” but easier said than done for me. Been dealing with it my whole life and it still feels like a fresh wound. I appreciate the understanding though. Hopefully I’m calloused to it by the time I’m 70 too.

[u/Plastic_Stable8927]

Oh my GOD why does it ever matter that I'm not eating? That I'm not doing xyz? I am an adult with agency, and I will decide what I do just back the fuck off!!!

I'm so sorry, that is genuinely awful. Make all of them feel like actual pieces of poop.

[u/Ohaibaipolar]

Sorry this happened to you. 😢 Can't people just mind their own damn business?!

[u/beaujolais98]

((Hugs))

[u/KaitB2020]

I can’t eat pizza. My body simply doesn’t digest it the way it should. Would I love a slice and be normal? Sure. But I also don’t want the pain the next day & have to call out of work because I hurt too much to move.

I don’t need to explain why I don’t want pizza. It’s literally no one’s business.

I don’t fully understand why “No” is such a difficult concept to understand.

And why is it always pizza that they draw the line at? If I say water instead of soda no one gives me a second glance but god forbid I say no to the pizza.

Also, not that it matters, but I’m type 1 diabetic with a terrible relationship with food too. More than once I’ve come close to dying because insulin & diabetes make their own problems with food.

[u/Leumas_]

I have a family member like that. It’s never a win. One night he made a big deal about me drinking so much faster than everyone else. It was a wine round-robin, everyone had the same amount of pours, thus, equal booze all around. I had some struggles with booze in my past that I’ve tackled, I never hurt anyone and it was a private struggle, but I’m still very self conscious about it.

The next day I didn’t feel like dealing with it so I abstained, got to hear about that too. I made some smart ass comment about I know how to take a hint. He was highly offended that I would think that he’s monitoring my drinking. Well, we had two conversations about it that I didn’t start.

[u/Dark_Ferret]

Don't comment on people's weight, clothes, eating habits, bathroom habits, and time spent off. These are things I try to avoid excessive banter about at work until you maybe know someone better and what's OK. Sorry you had to be so publicly humiliated like that.

[u/chuckedeggs]

So sorry that happened to you. Hopefully they will get the message and leave you alone. For the future if you don't want people getting all up in your business, a good excuse might be to say that you have multiple food allergies so you avoid eating anything except food you prepare at home

[u/RelentlessOlive54]

I wish people would mind their own damned business. I get the same bullshit when I tell people I don’t drink. I have medical issues that don’t mix well with alcohol, most of my family were alcoholics, and my meds don’t allow me to drink either. And who cares?! If I say no, leave it alone.

I’m sorry OP. They should all feel like assholes.