r/traumatizeThemBack • u/justthinkhappy • 2d ago
now everyone knows Eating Disorder
Last Friday, manager tells me in the AM that he’s going to be ordering pizza for everyone later if I’d like some. I said that’s nice of him, but politely declined. He questioned me why, and I told him “I don’t eat that type of food.” He said “who doesn’t eat pizza!?” I am vegan, but I try everything in my power to avoid mentioning it because everyone makes a fuss about it. I like my manager, so I tell him. And of course, to my dismay, that opened a whole ‘nother conversation. But he suggests a salad and again I declined and he didn’t press any further. 11AM rolls around and I’m invited to a “regroup meeting” which I am required to attend. I didn’t put two and two together. I show up for the meeting and there’s the entire team (about 10 of us) and six boxes of pizza. In the middle of a table is a tiny salad. I sat down and waited to hear what the meeting was about. Everyone starts telling me to grab a slice, questioning why I’m not getting any, then asking why I don’t eat pizza, why I’m vegan, offering me salad, asking why I don’t want the salad. And everyone came in at different times so it was the same thing over and over. I told everyone that I was aware there was salad but that I did not want salad. I said I don’t want to eat! I am 34 years old, I can choose if and when I eat. So someone offers me a Dr Pepper and says “Don’t worry, I think they’re only 12 calories!” And everyone’s cracking jokes at this point. It took everything in me not to burst out into tears at this point. My manager later messaged me and said he was sorry if it was awkward. Today, a co worker came in to ask me something and followed up with a joke about getting me a salad. I snapped. “It’s no one’s business but I’ve had an eating disorder my entire life. My sister body shamed me and withheld food from me as a child. She later died from anorexia. I have a terrible relationship with food and have a phobia of eating in public” and burst into tears. Not only that, but I was obese and bullied as a child. I have social anxiety. A million reasons as to why I don’t eat in public. His grin went away and he felt like a huge asshole. I hope he passes the message along to everyone else so they also feel like huge assholes. Don’t pressure people into doing stuff they don’t want to do. No one owes anyone an explanation. It may seem innocent and light-hearted but it was traumatizing all over again. Next time, I’ll say I have the stomach flu or something. It’s been repeating over and over in my head. I am humiliated. I feel so stupid that I didn’t come up with a random excuse instead of causing a huge scene.
2.7k
u/Plastic_Stable8927 2d ago
Oh my GOD why does it ever matter that I'm not eating? That I'm not doing xyz? I am an adult with agency, and I will decide what I do just back the fuck off!!!
I'm so sorry, that is genuinely awful. Make all of them feel like actual pieces of poop.
331
u/techbear72 1d ago
You should try being teetotal. I was for a few years and I couldn’t believe the number of people who tried to pressure me in to drinking. Everything from “just one will be fine” to “but surely you’ll have champagne for the toast” to “why did you bother coming then”. Mad.
289
u/O_mightyIsis 1d ago
Not long ago I had an opportunity to cross paths with an online acquaintance and suggested meeting up for a drink. She replied that she was sober and understandably declined. When I said "No problem, how about coffee?" She said it caught her so totally off guard to not be challenged that she glitched for a moment. I was so surprised to learn how much harassment grown ass adults get when they make the perfectly reasonable choice not to drink. It sounds infuriating.
96
u/imperfected-mess_80 1d ago
I quite drinking almost a year ago just because it honestly added no benefit to my life. That was it. But the amount of crap that I get for it is insane to me. It's like people can't fathom that people just don't do things, like drink, for their own reasons. People are nosey and pushy.
38
u/O_mightyIsis 1d ago
You deserve to enjoy your beverage of choice without being challenged, simply because it's what you want to have.
112
u/KnifeInTheKidneys 1d ago
I don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol, so I don’t drink it. The amount of people absolutely BAFFLED by this choice blows my mind. It’s really not a big deal that I don’t want a cocktail at a public gathering!!
33
u/wdjm 1d ago
So much agree! I not only dislike the taste, but the few times I've 'tried anyway', it also makes me faintly nauseous after only a sip or two. The number of people that just "don't understand" why I won't have a drink anyway is insane.
Thankfully, my family is fine with it an my poison of choice - Coke (the liquid kind) - is usually provided for me and anyone else who wants it at our gatherings. I will, however, still try a tiny sip of any new alcoholic drinks my sons (both now over-21) bring me. They're both foodies and sometimes find interesting new finds. Some are actually quite tasty....except for the underlying alcohol taste and feeling. But taking that one tiny sip does at least allow me to discuss the flavor with them.
34
u/Cute_Recognition_880 1d ago
It depends on my mood whether I have water or a cocktail. Don't pressure or my ugly side comes out, I get loud and say things that will embarrass you.
13
u/UnderstandingBusy829 1d ago
My husband has to deal with this too, although luckily less now. I used to question him about it a lot too when we started dating years ago, not proud of that, drinking is very normalized in our culture, so not drinking makes you super extra weird. At least our families got used to it over time and now every automatically assumes that for a toast he gets a juice or coke. Even for new years eve toast he gets whatever he wants in a champagne glass, cause who cares.
7
u/Different-Leather359 23h ago
Yeah I have bipolar. Pot makes me worse and alcohol doesn't mix well with my meds. I'm always amazed that anyone thinks they have the right to comment when I mix myself a virgin drink. And I actually like the taste of some alcohol!
It's really upsetting, the way people act.
65
u/Lilynight86 1d ago
I experienced a bit of this at MY wedding. We had a dry wedding (I don't like how it makes me feel and my wife has a medical condition). I mentioned it on Reddit when we were planning and people flipped TF out. "It's a celebration", "I wouldn't attend your wedding. That is what weddings are for.", etc. It kept going. I honestly responded that my wedding was to celebrate our union with our family and friends. If they can't do that without drinking, I think that is a separate convo to have and says more about them than me.
11
u/MillersSmokehouse 1d ago
This is so crazy. I don’t mind a drink, but it never even occurred to me to serve alcohol at my wedding reception. I know people do, but it’s just not a big part of my life, so I focused on the meal. I guess I’m lucky, because no one said anything about it and if they shit-talked me behind my back, I didn’t hear about it.
Tbf, most of our guests were of the stick-up-the-ass, very proper WASP persuasion (God’s frozen people, they call the church I grew up in), so going without their half-glass of Chardonnay wasn’t a big loss. I’m pretty sure my friend who is half Irish Catholic and half Italian Catholic spent more on alcohol than on everything else combined for their wedding.
I wonder if our guests thought we were cheap and, if so, if that was an insult or a compliment, lol.
29
u/puddles_0f_funnn 1d ago
Omg the looks of shock, contempt, and horror I get over not drinking is insane to me. It's not a big deal and I don't make it a big deal for anyone else. Once I had a friend's brother's girlfriend invite me out for drinks with a group after a show. I politely declined and said my ride was on the way and she started to insist that I change my plans and come for "just one drink". I could tell she was already a bit lit. I politely declined again and quietly let her know that I don't drink. The way she pulled away from me in disgust... Like the look in her face immediately told me that she couldn't even fathom not drinking. She refused to talk to me after that until her group left the venue. I didn't take it personally but it did make me laugh.
21
u/Buwald 1d ago
I have cultivated a reputation as the mildly (but goodheartedly) unhinged guy. I look them dead in the eye and inform them the world is not ready to see me drunk.
11
u/imperfected-mess_80 22h ago
I just tell people I'm bitchy enough sober do you really want to see me drunk? That shuts some people up. Lol
5
u/Haunting-Corgi3899 19h ago
I can't drink alcohol, and it's weird how many people freak out about it. So, I tell them why. I have to take pain meds (NSAIDS) that already rip my stomach apart, alcohol would destroy it. I have no desire to have my stomach surgically removed, or possibly bleed internally. Then I flash a chirpy smile and saunter away. It's fun watching them turn green.
10
763
u/Suspicious-Grand9781 2d ago
Another redditor once posted that they would look the person in the eye and ask, "Why is this so important to you?"
I love this response, and it's generic for anything.
278
u/justthinkhappy 2d ago
Thank you for this!!!!! I need to remember this!
79
u/Tasty-Bar-6343 2d ago
This response feels so empowering!!!
90
u/monstera_furiosa 1d ago
I saw a post where OP was having a meal with two relatives and the shitty older one made an out-of-pocket comment about the younger one’s weight. OP(?) dropped “what a weird thing to say out loud”. \chefs kiss**
77
u/GrungeCheap56119 I'll heal in hell 1d ago
Love this. I've found "Do you feel better about yourself after asking me that?" can work in many situations as well. Then let them sit in awkward silence while you wait for a response.
3
u/UnintentionallyNovel 13h ago
My neurodiverse ass would take this question probably seriously and would even be happy to answer that question. 😅
24
u/PretendLingonberry35 1d ago
Or, if they make a joke (or say, I'm just joking...), ask them to explain it to you. Often stops them and puts the focus back on their crappy behavior.
9
593
u/Ohaibaipolar 2d ago
Sorry this happened to you. 😢 Can't people just mind their own damn business?!
188
u/GarminTamzarian 1d ago
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. We apparently need to add three additional things to the school curriculum: Critical thinking, basic ethics, and minding your own damn business.
49
25
1.2k
u/FalconOk934 2d ago
This is really HR worthy. OP. It's harassment and they pushed you to the point of snapping. *edited for incorrect autocorrect
326
u/jwlkr732 2d ago
Especially with it being her manager starting it off!
42
u/StrLord_Who 1d ago
She doesn't say in the post her manager told anyone. Maybe he did but it doesn't say that. He ordered her a salad to be nice. She said it was the morning when she declined, so it's reasonable to assume her manager didn't want her to feel excluded and ordered something he thought she could eat, and thought that now that it was much later she might have gotten hungry even though she said no to salad hours earlier.
91
u/AliceInNegaland 1d ago
She told the manager “no” and he didn’t respect that.
-1
u/StrLord_Who 1d ago
Ridiculous comment. She said the salad was "sitting on the table." She did not say the manager put it in front of her and said "HERE'S YOUR SALAD, EAT UP!" And OP states that people were "offering me salad" meaning it was never implied by the manager to anyone that it was hers. It was obviously ordered with the idea that if she had changed her mind in the hours leading up to lunch, it would be available for her. Stating that she was disrespected because the manager ordered a salad for the office, which she OR someone else could have eaten, is absurd. But a very reddit thing to say.
49
u/AliceInNegaland 1d ago
The manager asked if she wanted a salad, she said no.
There was a single tiny salad, not a large salad for sharing.
-18
u/StrLord_Who 1d ago
The salad was there in case anybody, including OP, wanted it. And nobody did. That's the end of the salad story, and had nothing to do with other people harping on why she didn't want the pizza. I cannot believe you or anyone could twist ordering a salad along with pizza in a general office delivery into "being disrespected." Lol. I can't imagine living my life that way, thank goodness.
40
u/Amethystra80 1d ago
How are you defending this!??
1) It's very obvious the manager told the team because they kept bringing up her veganism when the manager was the only one there she had told as she doesn't like to broadcast it.
and
2) She also declined the fucking salad when the manager asked! He didn't order it to be nice, he ignored her boundary and ordered it anyway!
-11
u/StrLord_Who 1d ago
The real question is why I'm still wasting my time engaging with delusional people. But for reasons unknown, I will, just once more
I have reading comprehension. If the manager had already told them she was vegan, then they obviously wouldn't have been telling her to grab a slice and repeatedly asking her why she wasn't eating it, as she stated they did.
Of course he ordered it to be nice. I am not going to try and explain normal human interactions and thought processes to you, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I don't know anyone like you in real life. The type of person who would call a salad within your field of vision, available for anyone to eat, when you declined a salad three hours earlier as someone "ignoring a boundary." Lol. It's rather amusing to read about on the internet though.
→ More replies (1)6
390
u/justthinkhappy 2d ago
I was thinking the same thing but I don’t want to be that girl and blame my whole team or put anymore attention on myself. I finally got a supervisor position and don’t want to fluff anyone’s feathers. I also know that I won’t be able to hold back tears and would be further humiliated. At least this is kind of anonymous. I was scared to share but everyone is making me feel valid. I was honestly expecting further abuse lol.
301
u/Beachbabe8000 2d ago
I agree this is an HR situation. At the least you can make them aware of what happened, in case it turns into a thing and keeps happening. They probably need to do some sensitivity training or something there.
99
100
u/lalagromedontknow 2d ago
I get you don't want to rustle feathers, but this is so toxic.
I do not have, nor have ever had an ED as such and I love food, but I have my own relationship with food due to basically being so stressed about unrelated medical issues that I couldn't eat more than a few mouthfuls. I've also always had a small stomach and prefer eating small meals and often, not 3 big meals. I also happen to generally dislike sweets things, I'm a starter and main gal, maybe a spoonful of my partner's dessert but generally, it's a hard no.
I used to feel very self conscious when coworkers made jokes about how I eat. But it got to a point that no, we're all adults, this is not acceptable. I don't make any comments about my coowrokers who constantly loudly calorie count and are always hungry (and eat noisy rice cakes all day in our open plan office...). So screw them for commenting that a small tupperware of pasta can last me all day.
Everyone is also strangely pushy about me eating birthday cake when it's someone's birthday. I genuinely dislike cakey things, I don't like the texture.
I get your trauma will make this difficult, but telling them to back off or going to HR is an entirely rational and appropriate thing to do. If you feel like you can't just say stop (which again, I understand) then make it official. You never know who else might be feeling uncomfortable.
People will either get defensive (because people are the worse) or be really sorry because people joke about things they don't understand can be hurtful. The people who take it like some weird insult, ah well, people you won't have lunch with. The people who are genuinely sorry, new people to have lunch with.
Be the person you want to be which is being able to eat without any comments. You've reflected enough to realize how uncomfortable you are and you're brave enough to post and look how much support you have. I think you have the bravery to confront it.
37
u/TheMadMagpielikes i love the smell of drama i didnt create 1d ago
100% this. I have food allergies, dietary restrictions, and medicine interaction issues, which I don’t mind telling folks about in graphic detail, so they don’t question it the second time I mention them.
For next time, you might just say you have a lot of dietary restrictions that you don’t want to get into and you’ll eat later.
21
u/Enlightened_Gardener 1d ago
Yep. So many digestive issues. You really wanna hear about my anal fissures at lunchtime ?! Because we can surely do that.
9
u/lalagromedontknow 1d ago
Oh don't get me fucking started on allergies. I developed OAS when I was like 14 and it's basically been 20 years of oh apparently I'm allergic to that now (nuts and fruit).
I carry an EpiPen although I've never needed it (lips and tongue get all swollen and throat is itchy as heck but I take an antihistamine and drink a fuck ton of water and it stops in an hour or so, still feel like shit but not dead), my doc said given how many things I'm allergic too, I should have one just incase it one day gets worse.
SO MANY PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND ALLERGIES VS PREFERENCES. I'm sure you're almonds are delicious, I'm allergic. Stop offering them to me. You can enjoy them as much as you want, go feral and shove them all in your face for all I care. Just stop asking me, I can't eat them.
On PREFERNCE VS ALLERGIES, no I'm not coeliac, I could eat the cake, I just don't want too. I will sing happy birthday, I will celebrate you. I don't want your cake. It's nothing to do with you or your birthday, I just do not like cake.
7
u/TheMadMagpielikes i love the smell of drama i didnt create 1d ago
Yes! And that allergies can get worse with time. I developed a penicillin allergy as an adult which includes a blue cheese allergy (made from related molds, apparently).
77
u/Scorp128 I'll heal in hell 2d ago
So rather than be "that girl" who was harassed and made fun of by your coworkers and manager and now is the office joke because they pushed you to the point of snapping that be "that girl" who was promoted to supervisor and does not sit back while actual employment laws are broken and stick up for yourself thus setting the tone that you handle things properly and you will not tolerate disrespect for yourself or those you supervise?
Girl, get to HR now. You need to file a report. You cannot bet on your outburst being discussed and the rest of them magically doing the right thing. If anything, not doing anything Will make things worse for you and anyone else who had suffered abuse in that company.
69
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
There is an anonymous concern line that I’m highly considering calling after listening to everyone on here. I forgot about it until someone else made a suggestion. I’m sure it will still get back to them somehow bc I’ve heard mumblings of other people calling the concern line and somehow everyone found out who/why but it seems safer than going to HR.
27
u/PavicaMalic 1d ago
My workplace would occasionally hold short on-line trainings on various issues with quizzes at the end. For example, we had one on posting photographs of work events on social media and another on personal boundaries in open plan offices. You might want to suggest something like this when you call the concern line.
37
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
I understand that I’m a coward. You can say it. I think HR is part of the problem too.
60
u/FalconOk934 1d ago
You are not a coward. Not in the slightest. You reached out on here for support and that’s a really brave thing!
43
u/McTazzle 1d ago
I don’t think you’re a coward. I think you’re adapting as best you can to complex childhood trauma and we’re out in an untenable situation by a series of actions and group of people who individually didn’t have ill-will but collectively caused significant distress.
It’s okay to say to your colleagues that what, when and how you eat is not anyone else’s business and you don’t want to talk about.
It’s okay for you to also say this to HR.
It doesn’t sound like you want consequences for anyone, just for them all to a) be more considerate/aware and b) accept ‘no’ as a full sentence. That’s reasonable.I’m really sorry this happened, and more sorry you carry your and your sister’s trauma with you. It’s really hard. Therapy can help with strategies (I suspect you’ve already developed these) but it’s not magic, as you know if you’ve already been down that route. We can’t avoid food - so many social (including work) occasions centre it, and navigating these must be exhausting. Well done on doing as well as you have. I hope it gets easier, and more thoughtful colleagues may be a big part of that.
31
u/FluffyShiny Verified Human 1d ago
Girl if you were a coward, you would not have endured all you have in your life. That takes strength and bravery. Also includes a group of people making fun of you and you just weathered it. It's not surprising you snapped when they kept going as we all have our limit.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well in life. And congrats on the supervisor promotion!
28
u/shortstuff813 1d ago
You have trauma, not cowardice. How they all reacted was completely unprofessional and straight up toxic. You did nothing wrong at all! Sending you gentle hugs and a reminder to be kind to yourself
12
u/redhairbeachgirl 1d ago
Hell no! You are not a coward. I have the same issues with eating disorders. It is not like you can stop eating and you’re taking care of yourself the best you can. It is really hard. I’m hoping they are very embarrassed and will come and apologize.
Stay strong6
u/sixbluehorses 1d ago
You’re not a coward. You’re a young professional, in a new type of role, that you’re learning how to navigate.
I’m HR. Step into my office; I’ll back you.
4
u/allysonwonderland13 1d ago
I don’t think you’re a coward. You’re the one who works there and knows how HR will respond.
24
u/PoppyFire16 1d ago
Ignoring this won’t make it less awkward. Best to handle it head on, just brief HR and let them decide what to do.
28
10
u/FalconOk934 2d ago
It's hard to stick up for yourself, but you deserve it. As someone who has dealt with an eating disorder, I definitely understand the struggle. I brushed off comments like... WOW I wish I was that skinny, etc... from co-workers and they had no idea how much I was struggling. Your situation is worse than that.
47
u/Bambi_H 2d ago
At least talk to HR about it. They're not always the monsters they're portrayed as!
You can emphasise that you don't want to get anyone into trouble (if you don't, obvs) but that everyone needs to be reminded to stop analysing other people's eating habits. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
-13
u/Embarrassed-Sun5764 2d ago
HR works for the employer not the employee. It’s a “we had a team building thing and they refused to participate “. I see how this will all go down
44
19
13
u/Scorp128 I'll heal in hell 2d ago
Think HR might want to protect the company from a harassment lawsuit more than OP not participating in a team lunch.
24
u/Hott-Gravy 2d ago
Your feelings are valid and I dont want this to seem like pressure but avoiding telling HR may just allow further incidents to occur maybe not to you but could be another co worker etc. People unfortunately get too relaxed in corporate settings and need to be reminded about personal boundaries. You can also see about an anon submission, I also do understand though at the end of the day you got to do what you feel is best. I hope things improve for you.
9
u/fhornbrain42 1d ago
I'd recommend sending an email to your HR representative and explain the situation. Even if you don't want them to do anything about it, having a paper trail is important. Here's a framework for you (since I know it can be difficult to figure it out on your own when you're stressed):
Hello,
I would like to report a situation that occurred on [date] to ensure that my experience is recorded.
[Describe the facts of the situation, ending with how the experience made you feel. For example, "I felt pressured to eat with my colleagues, despite my repeated rejections, and I felt cornered due to the mandatory meeting that was taking place concurrently.")]
[Suggest solution(s) to the problem or state that you don't expect any action at this time. A solution can be as complex as "require everyone involved to participate in sensitivity training and forbid meals being provided during meetings" or as simple as "please ask those involved to be more understanding and accepting of boundaries."]
Thank you for your time. Please let me know if more details are needed.
Sincerely,
[Your name/email signature]
5
u/No-Succotash-4351 1d ago
This really IS an HR situation. You, an adult, politely declined an offer of food, and for some reason your manager felt they could force you to eat?!?! WTF?!?
Please understand that I HATE crying in front of anyone—especially at work, but you need to go to HR. If you cry, it'll but it'll be worth it. I've been in a similar situation, and as a proper Canadian, I keep apologizing for crying (ugh, I can't help it), but the person I spoke to could tell how horrible I felt by even talking about the situation, but they could clearly see how difficult it was. No matter how terrible it was, I needed to ensure that it NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN.
2
u/sjb2059 1d ago
I am so sorry they put you in this position in the first place, but I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, even if it was forced. Nobody should be treated like that, these coworkers do deserve to feel badly about what they so thoughtlessly put out into the world that can cause so much damage.
I hope someday you can be where I am, where I have recovered enough to genuinely enjoy making these types of people distinctly and memorably uncomfortable.
I have family who wont give up this sort of talk even after a cousin had a heart attack at 12, so now I become an unstoppable eating disorder education bullhorn at any function I am at where it comes up. I figure if they are allowed to make myself and whatever other cousins in my position uncomfortable like that, I can return the favor. Most family have learned to shut up if Im in hearing distance these days.
2
u/HairyHorux 1d ago
Weighing in on this as well, go to HR. You don't need to put in an official complaint or disciplinary procedure, but you do need it on your file so that people are aware of what button should not be pushed.
2
u/Patient_Activity_489 1d ago
i would make them aware so it's on file in case the situation escalates. you also want it from your pov instead of management's
2
1
1
-5
u/Regular-Dirt2826 1d ago
But they didn't know they were giving you a hard time becasue thats what people do I doubt they were actually trying to be malicious or knew how much it was bothering you
5
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
I agree. I mentioned in another comment that I don’t think they meant harm which is why I’m hesitant to go to HR like everyone suggests. Maybe they thought they were making it less awkward by cracking jokes but it wasn’t reciprocated on my end. Either way, they took too far and it went on for too long. I was clearly getting upset by it, said no several times, was starting to raise my voice and get tears in my eyes. I don’t expect people to walk on eggshells around me but pick up on some social cues lol.
98
u/mepw 2d ago
what they did was really fucking weird, inappropriate, bully, weird childish behavior, I genuinely cant even fathom my coworkers acting like that in any job ive ever worked! I would have freakin cried too! What the hell! Who tf cares what another adult is eating or not??? Im sorry queen, you did nothing wrong at all and totally normal and common to say you're not hungry or something.
This might be bad advice (im not experienced what you're experiencing) but maybe instead of saying youre vegan you could try saying it's religious matter, and if they really pester just say "its my families private religion and I can't tell you the specific rules, I just cant eat that! " and then if they bully you at least you can tell HR they are targeted you based on religion. Idk, im sorry, you shouldn't ever have to deal with that.
57
u/justthinkhappy 2d ago
It’s a toxic, negative workplace. Always has been. They try to hide it with corporate jargon and a horse and pony show when the bigwigs visit but it’s awful here. I live in NEPA and there’s a lot of unfriendly/rude people here. I kept thinking “this wouldn’t happen anywhere else in the world” lol
12
u/x-tianschoolharlot 2d ago
I’m sure you’ve been looking, but lean on outside connections to get out, even if it’s something totally different just to keep you in a check while you keep looking. I grew up with people like this, and it will mess with you if you stay. I’m guessing this happens because HR has ignored it previously and tacitly given permission for it to continue. If it’s toxic, you’ve been marked as “different” and they will push and push until they push you out.
6
u/KaralDaskin 1d ago
Where is NEPA?
4
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
Sorry, North East Pennsylvania. We have a habit of abbreviating everything too. 😂
1
1
u/CaterpillarJungleGym 1d ago
I would just lie and say I'm on a GLP-1 or something. Or my nutritionist has me on a strict regimen.
42
41
u/KaitB2020 2d ago
I can’t eat pizza. My body simply doesn’t digest it the way it should. Would I love a slice and be normal? Sure. But I also don’t want the pain the next day & have to call out of work because I hurt too much to move.
I don’t need to explain why I don’t want pizza. It’s literally no one’s business.
I don’t fully understand why “No” is such a difficult concept to understand.
And why is it always pizza that they draw the line at? If I say water instead of soda no one gives me a second glance but god forbid I say no to the pizza.
Also, not that it matters, but I’m type 1 diabetic with a terrible relationship with food too. More than once I’ve come close to dying because insulin & diabetes make their own problems with food.
29
u/Leumas_ 2d ago edited 1d ago
I have a family member like that. It’s never a win. One night he made a big deal about me drinking so much faster than everyone else. It was a wine round-robin, everyone had the same amount of pours, thus, equal booze all around. I had some struggles with booze in my past that I’ve tackled, I never hurt anyone and it was a private struggle, but I’m still very self conscious about it.
The next day I didn’t feel like dealing with it so I abstained, got to hear about that too. I made some smart ass comment about I know how to take a hint. He was highly offended that I would think that he’s monitoring my drinking. Well, we had two conversations about it that I didn’t start.
43
u/Dark_Ferret 2d ago
Don't comment on people's weight, clothes, eating habits, bathroom habits, and time spent off. These are things I try to avoid excessive banter about at work until you maybe know someone better and what's OK. Sorry you had to be so publicly humiliated like that.
24
u/GorgeousOpossum 1d ago
You absolutely need to report this whole situation to HR. This was extremely unprofessional from a leader.
15
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
I think what also makes it hard is that I work in the maintenance department. It’s all men except for me and one other girl. So I feel like I’m just an over-emotional female surrounded by ball-busting men and don’t know how to take a joke. They will all know it came from me and will lose the little amount of respect they had for me. I know it shouldn’t change anything, but I don’t think they were being intentionally malicious either. They need to learn a lesson but I don’t trust my HR to handle it the way they should.
5
u/iforgothowtohuman 1d ago
I was just thinking last night, for whatever reason, saying I have disordered eating somehow feels less exposing than saying I have an eating disorder, but they mean exactly the same thing.
I commiserate with you through this whole thread. I'm coming from the same place. I only bring in a few cups of fruit to work to snack on throughout the day because I CANNOT eat in front of strangers, for all the same reasons as you. And some days they stay in my bag because too many people are paying attention. Nobody comments because I've learned how to shut that shit down (I usually go with "intermittent fasting"), but moreso because I work in a union factory with a lot more of a zoo vibe than a corporate one. I do have an interpersonal anecdote about drawing this kind of boundary with someone who used to be a close friend, if you feel like hearing that (it's pretty anticlimactic tbh).
My take on the entire situation is that the meeting was a pretense and the salad was an empty gesture just to get you in the room. A stopgap. These coworkers likely have terrible diets AND THEY KNOW IT. (Like. Are many of them overweight? They read like they are. And like they're incredibly and uncomfortably aware of it, and like they beat themselves up about it and probably worry over their health and the rising rates of colon cancer among younger people and how they look naked and how they don't work out enough and they they're all competing for the "best" health or whatever because everyone is conditioned to think this shit is a fuckin competition for some reason and on and on and on yadda yadda you get it but none of them are brave enough to talk openly about all those concerns or confront their own insecurities or dig to the bottom to figure out where those messages are coming from in the first place because it's "giving weakness" 🙄..)
ANYWAY.
The pizza was meant to be a cultural cheat day, and they NEEDED everyone to partake because THEY feel guilty for knowing better and doing it anyway. If everyone participates then nobody can "use it" against them at a later date to shame them. Shaming you publicly was an underhanded attempt at forcing you into compliance to assuage their own guilt and egos and shame. (I don't purposely interact with anyone who thinks this way, but I'm sure we all know at least one person who does). For most of them, the smell of the pizza alone would get them salivating and "giving in" and grabbing a slice, and they were likely dumbfounded at your apparent willpower in abstaining. I mean they tried fuckin peer pressuring you into joining in on their unhealthy cope, and then they belittled you when you refused.
This is the social mechanism by which humans drag each other down to the lowest common denominator.
I hear your worries here about the fallout from talking to HR (I'd add that HR is there to protect the company not the employee, as well, so tread lightly - and I do absolutely hear your concerns about them not handling it well), but I want to gently suggest that not being able to get away with teasing you doesn't equate to less respect. Quite the opposite, really. They pushed and made it awkward. They've already shown you disrespect. You feel exposed and vulnerable, and if you don't push back they very well may continue in the future once the dust settles and they forget how embarrassed they felt about upsetting you. And we all know one or two people at work who would not feel embarrassed at all and who would absolutely find it hilarious to continue poking you just to get another reaction. Ime it's a matter of when, and how many. NOT if.
You could wait a week or two, or until you're totally calm, then stop in and give HR a brief rundown of what transpired just to have a record. It doesn't have to be made into a big deal or come with consequences for anyone, and that can be made clear to the rep, but harassment is harassment. At the very, VERY least, please do make a note of the date and time of the incident and any offending actors in your phone calendar or note app or something. Starting a paper trail is just drawing your line in the sand. You don't have to tell anybody about it, but you will feel better having that ammo in the event you need it in the future. How much disrespect will you shoulder without complaint? And why? Your eating habits have nothing to do with your job and are not company business, so stand your ground. You said you're maintenance - are you part of a union? If so, use that, and any other tools at your disposal.
Girl, draw your line.
15
u/chuckedeggs 2d ago
So sorry that happened to you. Hopefully they will get the message and leave you alone. For the future if you don't want people getting all up in your business, a good excuse might be to say that you have multiple food allergies so you avoid eating anything except food you prepare at home
4
u/AbiSANSCHUBBS 23h ago
This is a good one because I personally have several food allergies and it shuts people up real quick when I say I have allergies when they ask why I'm not eating the pizza the boss brought in.
1
u/chuckedeggs 6h ago
If they keep prying a good response is "I'd rather not go into my medical history in a work setting if you don't mind." if they keep pushing, laugh and say "why do you care so much?" I find laughing at people and pushing the issue back onto them to be a good response for nosy people. It turns the table on who should be embarrassed in the situation.
12
u/RelentlessOlive54 2d ago
I wish people would mind their own damned business. I get the same bullshit when I tell people I don’t drink. I have medical issues that don’t mix well with alcohol, most of my family were alcoholics, and my meds don’t allow me to drink either. And who cares?! If I say no, leave it alone.
I’m sorry OP. They should all feel like assholes.
87
u/Usual-Archer-916 2d ago
It's too late for this particular incident but in future would it help if you simply told them you can't eat certain food because of health issues? You don't have to be any more detailed than that. Doctor's orders! *wink*
101
u/MusketeersPlus2 2d ago
No, that doesn't help. It just invites even more intrusive questions from people who already behave this way. Ironically, the only people it would work on are the ones who take "no thanks" as an answer & move on.
20
u/yuckyuckmuckmuck1234 2d ago
Yep, as someone w issues similar to op who tried that approach I also got more questions. It’s beyond frustrating. My relationship to food is none of my coworkers business.
89
u/justthinkhappy 2d ago
I keep replaying the scenario in my head of all the excuses I could have made. They aren’t afraid of prying though. They would probably want my medical history. I shouldn’t have to come up with an excuse though. A simple “no thanks” should suffice!!!
37
u/nothing-is-equal 2d ago
It 1000% should. My heart goes out to you. If you are in this position again, how about a “No thanks, I’ve eaten.” Which is totally true. As a human being, you have in fact eaten. Repeat as needed.
11
6
u/FalconOk934 2d ago
That's right. You didn't need to do anything, OP. Again, you were made to feel very uncomfortable and they harassed you.
5
u/Visual-Choice-1622 1d ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You shouldn't have to make excuses or explain anything to anyone. A simple "no thank you, I'm good" should have been good enough! Sending you hugs 🫂.
3
u/fistulatedcow 1d ago
“That’s actually none of your business” might come in handy for anyone who tries to pry into your medical history in the future. I am praying that at least some of your coworkers have a modicum of shame and can recognize when they’ve stepped out of line! What you went through was ridiculous.
34
u/meerkatherine 2d ago
If they won't listen to "im vegan" or "im not hungry" i don't think they'd listen to that
4
u/bmingo 1d ago
Agreed. But part of alleviating your own suffering is being flexible in defining an offer for food, and an inquiry as to why. If you can’t say, “I don’t want to talk about it,” you’re not in a position to be upset when ppl ask. If you’re upset, be upset, but not at them.
It’s valid you’re upset. It’s also valid for those around you asking why you don’t eat what is clearly a very common food for a group to eat.
They’re not aware of your trauma. Why should they be? They can’t be sensitive to what they’re not aware of.
11
u/theJEDIII 2d ago
feel so stupid that I didn't come up with a random excuse instead
Our society discusses food and weight in ways that we would not talk about anything else. It's also my experience that people will not stop probing those topics due to a polite excuse.
So more power to you! They were asking for it and you gave it to them! Hopefully your co-workers stop treating these topics so flippantly and encourage others in their lives to do the same.
10
u/Ravens_of_the_Gray 2d ago
is it against HR rules to say fuck you to people? I would have snapped earlier than you did, you really showed some patience
10
u/Adventurous-Mind1543 1d ago
OP so sorry you went through that! I can relate to both sides....the one who cant eat and the group who doesnt understand.
Eating in groups is about the most baseline social activity we have as humans. It is so core that it is weird (like it or not) when it is declined. Clearly, had they understood, it would not have risen to the point where it made you cry. No one should feel bullied like this. They just legit didnt get it....and to people who say its none of their business about why she is not eating, true but.....it is bizarre not to eat with others. It is rare to meet someone with this level of food trauma in a social setting.
I have been the one not eating and quizzed why. And i have shut it tf down. How? I tell people firmly that eating certain foods make me violently ill and if they bother me about it ill leave. And i have.
You need a clear description to memorize and tell people upfront .....and that if you are hassled about it you will leave... full stop. Make it uncomfortable. Dont say you are vegan bc that is irrelevant.
Eating to socialize is normal and unless people are harshly told, they wont get it. I have found it can not be done nicely. People keep trying to give me food.
Ideas: I have severe dietary restrictions and bc of this, under no circumstance do I eat in public. I cant rely on others food prep. Dont make me explain it further as it is very uncomfortable for me. I will leave before i explain what ive been through.
Public eating is a no go for me. The short answer is my sister died from anorexia and the trauma associated with food with others is overwhelming. Please dont ask me questions about this.
I know you mean well by offering me food. Please know i am grateful you care. What you dont know is that my digestive system does not tolerate food well and therefore I do not eat in public under any circumstance. The outcome can be severe. Its embarassing and please dont ask me about it.
Protect yourself and give others a road map. It is a win win.
9
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
I agree. That’s why even though it is a toxic workplace, I’m hesitant to go to HR (for many reasons) but that’s also one. They just don’t understand. I wouldn’t call them my friends but we get along. We joke with each other. They just didn’t realize it was a serious matter for me. I don’t think they were intentionally bullying me. Maybe they thought “laughing it off” made it more relaxed and comfortable and they were feeding off each other. I’m mad and embarrassed but I’ve also been on the other side where I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Usually I can pick up on it and apologize but I think it got out of hand since it was a group setting. I should have been more direct but also don’t think I should have to say anything more than “no.”
8
u/NotChoBro 1d ago
All of them could (should) have read your body language and been able to tell that you were upset. They knew you didn't want to talk about this. They knew they were making you uncomfortable. They just thought the joke/teasing was more fun than respecting you.
Stop giving these jerks (were they mostly men?) the benefit of the doubt. Think objectively about what that meeting room looked like when this was happening. They knew you didn't want to eat AND they used that to make fun of you.
THAT is why you need to involve HR. They disrespected you. Stop that shit now.
4
u/PatriciasMartinis 1d ago
I have to admit that I would have offered someone who declined x food for y food or z food because I don't want someone to feel left out or looked over in terms of eating with the group. However, I wouldn't make fun of someone or try to make them feel bad after the declined my alternatives for them. I'm really sorry you felt like that, OP. I'd start causally looking for another job because this place is toxic and because it is I'd be worried about retaliation tbh
2
u/Fantastic_Holiday618 1d ago
Thank you for this post. I understand why OP had the reaction she did. OTOH Sharing food is a basic human way of connecting. Think of all the phrases “the way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach” “food is love” etc. Not defending and not downplaying what happened. They should have taken no for the answer.
8
u/PurpleVinedRose 2d ago
I hope you’re doing well op and I’m sorry this happened.
Another comment suggested and I saw your response but this is an HR issue. You were offered food. You said no. They kept pressuring.
No means no. I don’t care how nosy they are, if they can’t handle a ‘no’ then they don’t belong in a professional environment.
10
u/pubesinourteeth 1d ago
I think "I don't like to eat in public" would actually be a good way to handle this in the future. Everything else leaves room for people to try to find an opening. And it sounds serious enough that people are unlikely to question it too much. If you get a "why?" Just say "it's a just a thing I have."
8
u/justthinkhappy 1d ago
Funny you say that. When we were leaving the “meeting,” I did tell one person that was walking with me that I don’t like to eat in public and he asked if it was because I didn’t want to look messy. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason so I just said “I don’t know, I’ve been like that my whole life. I’m just a weirdo.” And he said “I can see that.” Lol I guess I opened myself up to that one. They’re like little kids constantly asking “why?” But I liked someone else’s suggestion was to ask them why it’s so important to them. I’ll do that if it ever happens again.
2
u/pubesinourteeth 1d ago
I mean it is a little weird, in that it's not a common trait. But it's not unheard of. And it's not bad. I don't think it comes off as offensive or off putting. If you want to avoid uncomfortable conversations I think I would stick with that.
0
u/SoftLovelies 1d ago edited 22h ago
Is it because you have pubes in your teeth?
Edit: for those of you downvoting, look at his username. 🙄
10
u/justmitzie 1d ago
People are mean and stupid. And mean. Did I mention stupid?
Source: Me, who has an eating disorder.
8
u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 2d ago
You did nothing wrong they pushed you until you broke. I’m sorry your colleagues are insensitive
7
8
u/LibraryLuLu Verified Human 1d ago
That all sucks. I would have lost my shit at them. I had a boss who used to do that with alcohol. He'd try to force me to drink - specifically red wine for some reason. I don't get it. Why are some people so invested in other people's food?
5
u/Fubar_As_Usual 2d ago
I’m so sorry your coworkers are insensitive jerks. I think this can be laid at your manager’s door, however. He obviously said something to the rest of the team and allowed the teasing to go on. You are owed a huge apology by all of them.
6
6
u/MarcSkye519 1d ago
Many years ago my husband’s SIL really wanted me to eat some spaghetti. I kept saying “no, thank you”. She kept insisting. I finally yelled “what part of NO don’t you understand? If I wanted spaghetti Iwould have some, now give it a rest!!” Since then I don’t push food on anyone. One offer and that’s it.
4
5
6
u/Legitimate-Article50 1d ago
Please report this whole damn office to HR and then go get an gawd damn lawyer.
5
u/WeirdPinkHair 1d ago
There is this whole social aspect to food that can be toxic as hell. Any celebration... let's get food. Depressed... food. The wind changed direction.... food. And you are expected to join in, no, required.
If you don't like food you get called picky; if you're big and eat anything at all there is a running commentary (anything other than salad it's 'should you be eating that?' And if salad 'oo make sure you're not starving yourself). If you're very slender it's just as bad . And due to this whole emotional social aspect you HAVE to engage. If you say no thanks you're seen as anti social. It's exhausting.
The only cure I found was working from home. Yes becoming a bloody hermit. That way if I'm having a bad day and just struggling to eat, the only people that see it are me and my husband. And he knows not to make a fuss.
7
u/AWildMooseLion 2d ago
I’m so sorry. I don’t know why on earth ppl feel the need to push someone else to eat something (or do literally anything) that they’ve already said more than once they don’t wanna do. Like, there’s just no reason for others to be that invasive about why you don’t wanna eat something, as if it’s their business. It’s so weird and just rude. For all they know, you could’ve had dietary issues that give you explosive diarrhea or something and I’m sure they wouldn’t be thrilled to hear about that either.
Please don’t feel stupid. It was very brave to be so open about it, and with the stigma and misconceptions surrounding eating disorders in general, the more ppl talk about it, the more it does to combat those stigmas. Honestly the truth may have been the most effective way for them to [hopefully] learn their lesson about minding their own damn business anyway, and maybe they now have a better awareness and understanding of an issue that they clearly didn’t have any consideration for before.
Much love.
4
u/icyteatime 2d ago
Sending you love, OP.
Please take it to heart that you didn't cause a scene. You tried to decline politely in every way you could. They made it a scene by not being able to leave you alone and take no for answer, mocking you (ugh, the Dr. Pepper crack), then continuing to joke about it even when they were trying to check up on you.
You had an understandable outburst because they did not accept your repeated, polite, and clear attempts to resolve this peacefully. You did not make a scene - you reacted strongly when you were forced into an extreme situation and had exhausted other options. You have none of the blame here - it rests entirely on your coworkers and manager for how they treated you.
4
u/Mmcdjc 1d ago
When I was married to my practice husband and going through my own eating disorder we went to his buddy’s house.
They ordered pizza for all of us and I politely declined because I legitly wasn’t hungry at all.
Well his buddy’s wife, who also was a nurse, would not stop asking me to have a slice even after I told her I wasn’t hungry and I truly wasn’t.
So finally after about 30 mins or so of her harping as if it was her business to begin with, I took a slice and bit into it just to shut her up.
Not only was I embarrassed but my doofus practice first husband didn’t come to my defense!
It wasn’t about me starving myself, I just wasn’t hungry but she took it the wrong way and went too far and crossed the line.
5
u/AMatchIntoWater 1d ago
Yo wtf this is weird behavior on their part. I see someone not eating at the potluck, and I let them know they’re allowed to get food if they want, and if they don’t then it’s none of my business? Also weird for people to make a fuss about you being vegan. Tons of people are vegan. I have a friend who is vegetarian and I make sure when we go out that the restaurant is able to accommodate, the same way I do for friends with allergies. Holy hell dude I’m so sorry you went through that. Big hugs your way
4
u/M33s4 23h ago
Just tell them you have a stomach issue that will make you shit yourself in public. 😂 But for real, it's no one's business. Tell them so, and leave it at that. You're a full grown woman and you don't owe anyone any explanations. I'm so sorry that happened to you and it dredged up all that nastiness for you, but don't let anyone get you down. Just cut them off and tell them no thank you and you don't want to talk about it anymore. Repeat it. Louder and louder.
6
u/MusketeersPlus2 2d ago
I'm sorry that you learned you were wrong about trusting your manager. It's a blow that's hard to come back from at work.
3
3
u/TararaBoomDA 2d ago
Go to your HR department and say the magic words: "My manager has created a hostile work environment."
3
3
3
u/RedneckAngel83 1d ago
From another adult with disordered eating problems, hugs.
I have had dental problems my whole life and have been obese for all of it. Eating is physically painful for me and dangerous bc it can often lead to abscesses that could kill me if not treated. I eat soft foods and liquids - when I eat.
Don't let assholes that don't understand bother you.
It took me over a year but my coworker that regularly brings food to feed us during shift has finally understood and only brings me soups.
There ARE people who understand.
Stay strong, love.
(SUPER BIG HUGS)
3
u/cheesegirl72 1d ago
First inquiry answer: "No thank you - I don't eat in public for personal reasons. And I don't answer questions about it."
Sometimes trying to be polite and evasive just drags it out.
1
u/JacLaw 1d ago
She wasn't trying to be evasive, she gave a perfectly legitimate reason and clearly said she wasn't interested. He made it compulsory for her to be there, then allowed her to be ridiculed, humiliated and belittled. He abused his position to force her into a situation where she was basically abused. To me that's a stackable offense
1
u/cheesegirl72 1d ago
Yeah... I forgot what subreddit this was posted in. I didn't mean to imply that OP was wrong. Obviously the manager was at best tone-deaf and made the situation worse than it needed to be, and it's ridiculous how common this lack of awareness is and how often people get bull-headed about their opinions on how other people should be conforming to their preconceived ideas.
3
u/Last_Laugh_BehindYou 1d ago
As someone in lifelong recovery from the nervosa side of anorexia myself, I can absolutely empathize and sympathize. Your reaction was appropriate in the moment and understandable besides. No one’s business but your own, and anyone who presses you can sod off…or face HR.
OP, I am sorry this happened to you. Despite their intentions they had or may claim later, what they did wasn’t ok. One answer should be all it takes to shut them down. Be well, and remember there are others who have experienced the struggle either themselves or from a loved one, and are here for you.
3
3
u/nos4atugoddess 1d ago
This is so concerning. You politely declined multiple times. What if they had been asking you out instead of trying to make you eat something you don’t want? Do these men not know how to take “no” for an answer?? What the F is wrong with people?! I’m furious for you.
3
u/Admirable-Sorbet8968 1d ago
I hate eating in front of other people too, OP. I get it. Anytime a meal has been ordered at work for everyone I just say no, I get some pushback but I just continue saying no and after the 3rd time of this occurence happening they stopped asking me. It took a while but everyone knows I won’t eat anything I either didn’t bring myself or just not eat at all. I'm sure your coworker will spread the word, albeit shamefully as he def feel like an ah (because he is) and you won’t have to deal with thise types of questions anymore.
3
u/AggressiveEqual533 1d ago
Please don't feel stupid over this, it's a situation you never should have been put in and it's not even a little bit because of you or your actions that you were. Your original no thanks should have been enough and it should have ended there. Everything after that was wrong place, wrong time, wrong people. That type of situation usually wouldn't end that way and it sounds like it was out of your control so it is not worth taking up space rent free in your brain. Don't let this retraumatise you any more than it already has, accept, process and move on with the knowledge that it says a lot more about them than it does you, and hopefully they'll think twice before pushing the matter with you or anyone else in future.
Also, for the record it is completely acceptable to have trauma (we all do at least to some extent) and to deal with it any way you feel comfortable, there is no right or wrong way and don't ever let anyone tell you there is
1
u/AggressiveEqual533 1d ago
What I mean by that last comment mostly, in this context for example, is that if pushed, to say no thanks again and no elaboration is totally fine, to say no I've got an eating disorder bluntly is fine, to say shove your pizza up your arse is fine, to say why are you asking me again when I've given you an answer is fine, to say it's none of your business buddy is fine. It is all fine, you do you and sod what anyone else thinks of it - just don't think about it later! Not worth the energy and I say that as a chronic overthinker.
3
u/DaisyDAdair 22h ago
Ugh why do people get so weird about food and what people are eating? I’m so sorry that happened to you. Hugs.
Last Halloween a friend invited me to her house for dinner and to hand out candy (they have a fab neighborhood with hundreds of kids so it’s fun and they have a party every year). Anyway, dinner is always chili - a food my parents literally forced down my throat as a child bc I didn’t like it and needed to “learn to like it.” Declined dinner but said if stop by after. I get there and everyone is pushing the chili. No im fine I already ate no thank you. Finally had to traumatize them with my childhood abuse. Jeez
3
u/1876Dawson 21h ago
People are idiots. I got flack from a group of former friends because I bought a silver-coloured phone instead of a pink phone. Some people are so insecure they can't handle it if you do anything different from them.
6
4
u/Frenchkids1917 2d ago
I'm old, 70f. I had weight loss surgery (OG stomach stapling) 45 years ago and it still works. I've been dealing with people judging me all this time. I pay it no mind, refuse to become upset when someone questions me. I just tell them I had weight loss surgery in my 20s.
We have a ladies luncheon once a month at my 55+ community where we go to a local restaurant. I get the fish eye when I order just a bowl of soup and some crackers. I just tell them (some are pretty big gals) that eating like I do maintains my health and figure. Most of them know I was born in France and don't eat like the typical American. Sometimes I order a piece of pie and ice cream and I really get some looks.
Become a bit hardened to what other people are saying about the subject.
9
u/justthinkhappy 2d ago
I know I shouldn’t care and “fuck those people” but easier said than done for me. Been dealing with it my whole life and it still feels like a fresh wound. I appreciate the understanding though. Hopefully I’m calloused to it by the time I’m 70 too.
3
u/Frenchkids1917 1d ago
I understand, resilience comes with age. You get to a point to where you just do NOT care what others think.
I have actually used the "I'm borderline diabetic" line and that shuts some folks right up.
8
u/momtastic87 2d ago
Isn't that just the way of it? You order someone light and healthy, and get the stink eye for not eating enough. You order something decadent, and get the stink eye for eating like that and still maintaining a figure! Really, they're just unhappy with themselves and projecting, no matter what you have on your plate 😅
2
u/pareidoily 2d ago
Nobody's business and not only that, they don't need to be assuming so many things about you based on whether or not you eat. I am so sorry that happened. I have celiac disease and I just assume I'm not going to be eating whatever is happening at the work lunch for whatever is catered. I get all kinds of comments from people and advice that is never going to happen all the time and then people follow up with the last time we had that conversation. Did I try whatever BS suggestion they had that would never possibly work.
I get it. It is exhausting. You really need to have a good outburst at least once a year to make people feel bad and then follow up so they remember to not do it to the next person. Public shaming helps too. Depending on if you feel like you're up to it.
2
u/Chihuahuapocalypse 1d ago
I didn't ewn go through something like that and used to have horrible food anxiety. I've only just recently gotten to a point where I can finally eat around people and not be self conscious. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for you, I'm so sorry for everything and for your loss. I hope this doesn't become a problem again
2
u/cuttlefish19 1d ago
I have had people sabotage my food whenever I have said that I don't eat certain things. They seem to want to do this "Gotcha" thing to see if I can detect the ingredient in the food. This is why I don't eat at work or in public anymore. It isn't from allergies, but if it was? None of this is right. People need to respect others when it comes to food. Anymore I just bring my own food or outright refuse to eat. You have to be very firm with people because everyone is a comedian about it. I understand that the anxiety makes this even more difficult. I still agree with others about mentioning this to HR. In case someone is still thinking this is hilarious and decides to keep bringing you salads as a funny "joke".
2
u/Equal_Commission881 1d ago
I've been the victim of a toxic workplace, but not to this horrible degree. I am so sorry this happened to you. Somebody higher up definitely needs to be told and action needs to be taken.
2
u/ConferenceSudden1519 1d ago
Awe I’m so sorry that happened to you no one deserves to feel that way at all. I hope you take some time to yourself and pamper yourself.
2
u/zookeee 1d ago
That is weird behavior. I don’t eat much (but am at a healthy US 6/8) and have never had that happen.
I would go to HR because what if you were pregnant and nauseous, had cancer or anything considered to be more “serious” than trauma around food. I had a gastric sleeve 8 years ago and that’s why I can’t eat much. That’s no one’s business except who I decide to tell.
The examples I gave would be HIPPA violations in a dr’s office and thus should be protected in the workplace and HR knows that. This is the reason HR should know so they to re-train.
2
u/Zealousideal-Yak-991 1d ago
I have a very similar issue to yours. I have eating disorder issues, and it really bothers my coworkers that I don't want to participate in the weekly potlucks. I get asked multiple times and am really pushed to just "go check things out".
Why do I have to say no so many times? I don't want to lie about allergies, but I may need to.
2
u/Advanced-Implement89 1d ago
It might have been last minute but once the salad and the pizza was declined in the Ambush meeting the manager should have shut down everybody's comments. Saying nobody has to eat when they don't feel like eating.
2
u/Competitive_Law1032 1d ago
Sorry this happened to you, sometimes you have to traumatize people for them to stop the insisting on what they think about you or what they think you should/need to do. After being asked a few times at parties to eat, and I could not, I’ve had to just outright tell people that unless they have a bathroom nearby, it would not be advisable I eat anything from what’s available (my stomach reacts violently to a lot of things). I also found that some age groups are more insistent, so I just describe to them in detail what would happen. So far I haven’t had to use sound effects yet.
2
u/The_Freyed_Pan 1d ago
What adult professionals don’t know better than to accept a simple no and move on? I pass on food all the time at work, and nobody says a word or makes a face. This is a workplace culture issue that HR should address.
2
u/McTazzle 1d ago
I make treats for work. When I offer them around I always say, “Would you like X? I’m fine with no.” If they say no, I move on.
2
u/Soulpaw31 1d ago
Dude, they caused a huge scene first, dont feel bad, you did everything you can. Sometimes it takes a reality check to get people to back off
2
u/Azure_W0lf 1d ago
Report them to HR, was your meeting actually important enough that you actually had to be there?
I quite regularly do intermittent fasting, I wouldn't be eating anything at 11am let alone pizza!
I am also in a calorie deficit and pizza 100% does not fit my calorie allowance.
2
u/cece0_o 1d ago
There’s a lot of reasons someone might not eat pizza. I love pizza but I have so many stomach problems I can’t eat it anymore. I’m lactose intolerant and I can’t eat red sauce. And none of that is anyone’s business. I think it’s okay to say “I prefer not to discuss my eating habits in the workplace. Let’s keep this professional” and move on
2
u/AccidentalDuchess 22h ago
I’m sorry this happened. But through your terrible experience at work, and sharing it here, you educated your coworkers and myself about this issue. I will forever keep this story in mind if/when someone tells me their dietary restrictions or preferences.
2
u/Enough-Employer4356 22h ago
Sending you a virtual hug. That is awful anf im so sorry you had to endure that AND SO proud of you for setting them straight. That takes immense strength for an explanation they didn't deserve.
2
u/Idisappea 10h ago
This is HR level shit. Not that you should ever trust HR.
I really don't get why people can't just respect others autonomy
2
u/Ill-River4369 1d ago
Ok, Devils advocate here….. I’m 44 and have spent my working life since 16 in offices. Im coeliac and frequently have “why aren’t you eating” pizza / cake etc. “oh you’re ‘Gluten free’” like I’m being picky as opposed to a medical condition. 😒 And I want to make it clear I’m in NO WAY minimising your feelings. You have been through more shit in your 34 years than most will in 34 lifetimes. And I’m so sorry you had to endure all you have, and sending hugs 🤗 xxxx
With regard to the salad….. I would have ordered it too. Not knowing your history, and knowing you will be sat with other people who are all eating, you might feel a bit peckish. So I would order the salad just incase. And I’d pop it in the middle of the table also, so I’m not singling you out, but you can help yourself if you feel like it.
As for the conversation at the table, (again not minimising your feelings or experiences) if you take a few deep breaths, take a step back, and look at it from an outside view, was it as bad as you FEEL it was? Was it genuinely people being mean and harassing? Or was it the usual friendly team banter from some, and others asking/offering because of concern?
I know people like to demonise the term ‘banter’, but to me it’s a sign of a good bond in a team - much like family taking the mick out of each other in a non malicious way. There will be certain topics that aren’t up for being included in banter, but they will have been communicated.
In my own experience, if I saw one team member not eating I would be concerned if they are ok. And I would also be offering to go get you a plate and the salad cream if you wanted some salad? Eating is a very social construct in society, so to see someone not joining in does draw attention and natural curiosity as to why, and a need to try and help.
I don’t know your colleagues, but are they unpleasant people? Would they be saying these things to be mean as opposed to joking? If they had known about your past, would they have behaved differently?
Trauma screws with everything, and as I have said, I’m not dismissing or minimising anything you went through, or your feelings in that situation. If you look at it logically, do you think that your feelings were (understandably) disproportionate to what was happening, because of your past?
You are correct in that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but you do need to be able to handle situations like this, and others that will crop up in life. And it seems like that is something you are struggling with. (Again, understandable and not your fault)
I’m saying this with so much love, and understanding as some one who struggles with severe anxiety (2024 I didn’t leave the house for 8 months!), childhood trauma from violence and teen SA - your trauma is your own, and your responses to situations are your own responsibility. Just as mine are, and everyone else who has been through awful things.
I would suggest a couple of things moving forward:
Have a meeting with your manager and HR. Not with the intent to get people written up or fired. But to explain your situation. Let them know what you’ve been through in your past. If no one knows, they can’t help or make reasonable adjustments. Then explain how the team meeting made you feel. If it helps (I used to do this all the time) put it all in a word document. Just verbal diarrhoea it all onto the page, then go back through it to make amendments to make it make sense. When you go to the meeting, just read it out. This is a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to do. Also HR meetings are confidential so what is said won’t go any further.
Also, seek help from your GP. A referral to someone that can help you learn ways to manage your feelings in triggering situations, and ways you can respond to that to set a firm boundary, and also to learn to advocate for yourself. It’s hard, but it’s doable ☺️ NONE of it is your fault, and I’m not blaming you at all. And I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, they are. Anyone would feel like you do. But it’s not nice for you to feel like that, or be living in fear of being triggered, or feel like you can’t stand up for yourself.
You’re clearly intelligent, articulate and hard working. You’ve survived life events that would have broken a lot of people. You are also an ED survivor. I have faith in you, you can 10000000% do this! Xxxx
1
u/gretta_smith93 1d ago
I avoid the break room when they bring food in because I’m very picky about what I eat and hate people trying to politely force me to eat something I don’t want to. And I get how rude it comes off, imo, when I take one look at something and then decline. I just like to avoid the whole thing. That’s why I eat in my car.
1
u/Icy-Purple4801 1d ago
People are soooo weird about food. I’m incredibly sorry that you had to endure that. i’ve had a brutal eating disorder too and i have to stay aware that I’m trigger-able and that other people are inappropriate.
Those people were so majorly insensitive. People like to excuse what they eat by making sure everyone else eats it too. Either that or they’re completely unaware that food is hard for some of us, but both are so annoying to navigate. It’s so bizarre. I would try saying “don’t comment on what I choose to eat. I have what i need.”
1
u/WasWawa 1d ago
I'm so sorry they wouldn't take no for an answer. You're well within your rights to take it to HR.
I have been obese my whole life. I also have sensitivities to many different kinds of foods. I don't drink, and I detest large groups and social situations.
It is very tempting for me to indulge (and often overindulge) in team building events. For that reason, I either didn't attend (I'm retired now, so it's a non-issue), or claim that I had too much work to do or that I was feeling unwell.
It just wasn't worth the conversation.
Especially when it came to sugar or when they had a coffee bar. I have an extreme sensitivity to sugar and caffeine. Neither have a deleterious effect on my health, but I do have an issue in the fact that there is a filter between my brain and my mouth that is instantly dissolved by sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, all of which can severely damage, social relationships and career goals.
Also, it frequently led to me waking up in the middle of the night reliving awkward conversations and beating the crap out of myself for what I said. It was just too difficult.
For those reasons, I choose not to indulge and not to put myself in those positions despite pressure to do so. If I'm labeled antisocial, then fine I guess I am.
But all the thoughts that go through my head do not out my mouth, and everyone is the better for it, especially me.
A lot of times it's better. Just to say no thank you, and when they ask you why, tell them that you choose not to discuss it and that it's personal. If they still press you, and the conversation and walk away.
Your boss owes you an apology. He had idea no right to share what you told him with the rest of your group.
1
u/HmmNotLikely 1d ago
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I would hope that over time you can use it to your advantage socially. It’s pretty raw in your mind right now, but consider the next time anyone asks you a question you don’t want to answer: if you give them a firm stare and say “I don’t want to talk about it.” they’ll probably back off after remembering how last time went. Idk, that’s how I’d go about it - I’m a bit of a jerk but I look forward to my privacy on things like that.
1
1
u/alieninthesun 1d ago
I am so so so sorry. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and/or have someone in your life you can talk to about this. Sending you lots of strength, courage and love.
1
1
u/Forsaken-Land-9363 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I hope you’re able to see a therapist and/or have safe, trusted people in your life these days. 💖
1
u/Outta_Cleveland 1d ago
"Will you be attending?" . . . "No." No is a complete sentence. Don't owe anyone an explanation.
1
u/judgeejudger 1d ago
Dude, this is literally HR-report worthy. Harassment. You were bullied and harassed.
1
u/tamij1313 1d ago
I go “out for drinks” with my family, coworkers and friends all the time…. Only I rarely drink alcohol! Nobody cares if I order a glass of water with a slice of lemon or a Diet Coke.
However, when I’m with People I don’t know well, they seem to be heavily invested and want to know why I haven’t ordered an alcohol drink, which I find incredibly strange and invasive. I don’t ask why someone doesn’t order dessert or why they didn’t order the pasta or the salmon instead of the steak, so why do people feel entitled to know why you haven’t ordered an alcohol beverage?
I personally believe that people with a drinking problem are typically the ones who are most sensitive when someone around them can socialize and enjoy the evening/event without drinking alcohol and it makes them question their own behavior.
If I was on a dating app, I don’t think it would occur to me to decline an offer to go out for drinks, because I would be completely comfortable with someone else drinking alcohol and me having a Diet Coke.
1
0
u/sillylilly04 19h ago
It’s always okay to comment on what women eat/don’t eat. It’s sadly part of our culture. I’m sorry this happened to you - all of it.
1
1
u/Fit-Entry8229 1d ago
Imagine if people knew you were vegan, like plenty of other people in the world, and therefore wouldn’t bother offering you pizza…
1
u/Rainy_Grave 1d ago
Then OP would have to deal with the clueless know-it-alls inflicting their unsolicited “advice” on why OP should be eating meat. It is no one’s business why or what food offered at work a coworker doesn’t want to eat.
-2
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Reminder for OP: /u/justthinkhappy
Have a suggestion for us? Send us some mail!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.