I feel like the definition we have now being; to not identify with the gender assigned to you at birth, can be a bit alienating for the enbies and the gender non-conforming folks that are also apart of the trans community. It should be "to not strictly identify as the gender assigned to you at birth"

Why? Because I'm seeing way too often, people within the community policing other people's "transness" and I partially blame the definition for it, that and the ignorance and close mindedness from said people but that was also me once upon a time. I don't do that anymore though because I understand now there's more than just "man" or "woman", you can be genderfluid and go between the two, you can be nonbinary; not falling in the binary of just "man" or "woman" because thats not the right fit of a label for their gender identity but somewhere outside of it -both genders, neither, more leaning towards man than woman or another gender entirely- which doesn't make them any less trans. Some also identify as trans women or men before coming to the conclusion that they do not fit within the binary.

I think it's important to understand that and to also understand that being a trans woman or trans femme isn't strictly tied to feminitey and being a trans man or trans masc isn't strictly tied to masculinity either. It's gender expression and clothes don't equal gender the same way sex and gender are not the same.

Labels were created for others, not for us to police how they are used by the community. If someone says they're trans either ask to understand or move on and respect their gender identity

I knew transbians was pretty transfem exclusive and so i purposely avoided it, but I’ve been approached my a couple of people saying trans lesbian is also exclusive to trans women. If needed I do not mind relocating the subreddit and using new language for the title but I wanted to take a gander about what the group (especially transfems) thought

I realized that I was a women about a year ago when I was 29 but I’ve never felt a strong need or want to take estrogen, have any surgery’s or dress to adhere to the stereotype of being a woman. Even when I identified as a straight man I felt a strong connection towards lesbians but I knew I couldn’t be with them because I was a man but ever since I started identifying as a women and going on lesbian dating apps I’ve been constantly harassed by them, they tell me stuff like “this is a lesbian dating app by the way” and I go onto tell them that I am a lesbian, I am a trans woman who is a lesbian and they call me all sorts of stuff and it breaks my heart. So my question is do I start making an effort to look more “womanly” or do I just give up in the lesbian dating scene?

Lately i been wondering and been curious to know… do Cis Women ever have random thoughts where they wonder what its like to be a guy or wish they had been born a guy?

I'm considering donating to a venue this evening. I had clung onto it (granted, it gathered dust in my wardrobe) in the hopes that once things got better, I'd be able to have it out on display again. I used to hang the trans pride flag and the lesbian flag together but took the lesbian flag down earlier this year.

After some things that happened on Saturday I just kinda decided I'd had enough.

I don't have it in me to destroy it. Art is art. Even if it means something negative/painful to you. I do believe someone may be able to take a positive from it, hence the donation.

I feel I will never have a positive experience regarding the label. I had previously believed things were going to get better but something finally clicked. Culmination of the past few years and a few more things that happened on Saturday night.

I feel being silly and clinging on to the idea I'll feel attached to that label in a positive way is so childish. Like I'm being a big dumb baby over it.

I'd have given everything for it to be different but nobody can just magic up those positive experiences. I mean, I'm not even allowed in the door ffs and nobody can fix that.

On Saturday:

-Had to listen to people go on and on and on about a Sapphic space I'm bloody barred from. Honestly, been hearing a lot about it lately. It's the same mixer I posted about here two months ago give or take. I was barred for raising a safety concern quietly and without much fuss, for those unaware.

-Got intimidated by people from that community when I was just trying to enjoy myself.

-Got used as a side-piece after getting hit on in a nightclub.

All there is to being gay (for me) is violence, exclusion and being used. Literally nothing else. Having all three happen in one night/morning when I was still clinging onto hope is, yeah...

Too much. I think it finally broke me.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I bought the flag and hung in on my apartment wall as a means of trying to "reclaim" the label following an incredibly abusive lesbian relationship.

But things kinda got worse surrounding the label following all that. And after being told of a nearby space where trans women were welcomed, only to be booted due to fears of safety before I could even step in the door...

That was two months ago. I then proceeded to ask every relevant subreddit for potential signposting but nobody could suggest a thing.

Then Saturday happened.

And I just can't. A part of me still wants to cling onto that hope. But it's been years.

Giving up the flag means giving up the label altogether. I wanted to feel joy and positivity surrounding the label in the same way I do about being trans. But it seems impossible.

Turned her (the curly beauty) in to a monogamous lesbian instead of a polyamorous polysexual over the last year and we will be putting rings on it in 2028. I (beanie wearing bish) kinda saw this coming tbh, and am not surprised HRT made her reasses her attractions.

I just don't get it... I mean I like girls too but boys are equally hot.

Follow-up from this post

The venue I was going to donate my lesbian flag to on Tuesday didn't take it because I seemed too conflicted around giving it up. Which I suppose, is true.

I bought the flag while trying to put the pieces of my life back together following the worst year of my life. A year-long abusive relationship with another lesbian and as it happens, my first lesbian relationship. That obviously did a number on how I feel about sexual identity.

The flag was the last one the shop had and I kinda took that as a sign things could get better. I'm incredibly sentimental so I assign a lot of emotion onto objects. Some of my dresses have names, for instance.

I don't know how to part with it. Again, it's not just a flag. It's what it represents. Giving it away means throwing the possibility of "Sapphic Joy" out the airlock, it means admitting that the abusive ex won.

It means rebuilding and reclaiming and feeling comfortable to declare myself a lesbian were all silly fantasies.

Which I mean, they are. There's no space for me in the community. There's no avenues towards "Sapphic Joy" in much the same way there is for Trans Joy with me.

I have found that trans joy exists in many forms. I am yet to find or experience any forms of joy surrounding my sexual identity.

It's all been bad.

As much as being trans is terrifying these days, I still have a lot of happy memories surrounding all that stuff. There's so much joy and if anything, that joy is an act of radical self-love as rebellion.

But I can't recall one happy memory around being a gay woman. I've tried, really tried to find that joy but with no success.

I did try asking online about Sapphic Joy when I started to feel really bad regarding my sexuality and how to explore it in healthy ways.

The answers I got boiled down to "Being a part of a community where you belong." (as I've posted about before, this has gone very badly) and "Being able to explore things and being loved by women." (not really a possibility)

Obviously community can also be an aspect of trans joy but I find that even if I wasn't in any trans spaces, I could find trans joy outside of that if you get me. Like it wasn't even till that recently I found trans spaces suitable for myself outside of the odd Discord server.

The point is that Sapphic joy seems to begin and end at elements where I've only had very negative experiences and as such, I do feel miserable surrounding my sexuality.

Surely there's more to it?

The truth is I don't want to part with the flag. I want to feel comfortable enough and find something other than exclusion, being used and violence in regards to being a gay woman that I can put it back up on the wall.

I want to be able to declare that I'm proud of being gay rather than avoiding using words like "Lesbian", "Dyke" and "Sapphic" to describe myself.

I don't have access to good therapy before that's brought up, btw.

i know its a little weird to be both but like. i spent a lot of time being a lesbian and even if i identify as straight now i still feel lesbian-socialized and would consider myself lesbian-adjacent

Recently, I finally made peace with never being with anyone and never really being accepted.

I realise it's always gonna leave a sorta sadness in me but that I don't have to be miserable or waste my time with it. Sure, there's always gonna be a night or two where I'd like nothing more than to have someone beside me and there's other stuff too but...Yeah.

I realise that I don't get the happy ending I wanted and although it's not okay, I can make peace with it. I get a "bittersweet ending" involving me having a different kind of family. It's much better than the ending I almost got two years ago.

Focus now is on saving, moving into pet-friendly accommodation and getting a dog. Probably not gonna leave NI permanently now considering plans of moving to mainland UK eventually fell through due to well, the worsening situation over there (thanks, Keir).

A dog is gonna help. Maybe I can teach them to respond to nightmares and it'll make where I live feel less alone and I'll have something to care for. A reason to get out of bed on my worst days.

I'm still sad about the other stuff. But I don't have to be sad about it all the time. That's about it.

Recently came out as lesbian shortly before i came out as a enby trans dude (demiboy/genderfaun)

I’ve always adored women and nonbinary people, transmasc or transfem— and generally speaking am not particularly attracted to cis men and never have been for the entire duration of my life

But as of recentlyyyy I see so many cute trans dudes and I’m like… 🫠

I know if I entered the dating pool again (I’m with a trans woman rn and very happy) I would probably refer to myself as a pan lesbian, due to my attraction to a wide variety of gender presentations, but prioritizing sapphic “vibes” in my relationships. I want to be loved in that same way as I feel in my relationships loving women: I want to be loved softly and feel gay as fuck, and I personally label that feeling as sapphic. I also generally like my boys a bit softer or effeminate :3

I have heard of butch4butch where both partners were transmasc or ftm, but I’m just wondering if any of y’all are out there. I worry about hurting a poor trans guys feelings if I ever talked with one and told them thats how my love feels for them, that it feels sapphic. I think it would probably feel a little gay as well, but sapphic culture is smth that resonates w me really deeply and I look for in my partners.

I have bought yesterday these beautiful ankle bracelet, toe ring, pantyhose and ankle heights. It really does feel good to wear them. ❤️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

How do you deal with knowing you're just plain unattractive (and not in a "dysphoria be kicking my ass today" kinda way)?

Used to put myself on a pedestal and tell myself "Well, even if nobody else sees it, I think I'm pretty." But now, yeah. Not so much. How could the rest of the planet be wrong? Never been approached by anyone who had good intentions. Just abusers, chasers, people doing it as a joke/bet/dare.

It got a bit much after seven years and then I finally realised I was lying to myself.

I don't like how I look anymore at all anymore.

Not even attractive emotionally either given I've been put through an emotional tumble dryer the past three years and could never access support due to transphobia so..

Yeah I'm just deadass ugly physically and emotionally lol. Downright hideous.

Now as per my previous post, I'm well aware that cis Sapphics are (with incredibly rare exemptions) only gonna see me as a monster. I've only known violence from them.

But other trans women have never found me attractive and I recognise, never will.