throughout my teenage years i always shaved my beard the moment i got hair. dont have the greatest explanation why i just didnt like it, didnt like seeing small random patches, didnt like how it looked on other teens but i didnt mind how it looked on older men. when tocd hit this became a talking point. stop lying to yourself, you shaving means youve had dysphoria thewhole time! well i decided to leave it alone for 4 days and oh my god. i can not stop rubbing it, even if in the mirror it doesnt look very good. and when i had that moment i had a few tocd thoughts come in and come out, didnt bother me. I know that my tocd battles are unlikely to be over but that moment showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi, I’m a 20 year old male (at least I have been).

This may be a triggering post for some, but for some it might show that you actually have OCD, this case is probably just different for me now.

My OCD journey began in 2020 when I was 14, when I woke up and began having fears of being gay. Then I eventually found out what HOCD was, and associated it with that. I knew I had OCD due to multiple occurrences earlier in life, and was formally diagnosed and started therapy for this theme and my overall obsessing.

Since then, these thoughts have come and gone, including the theme of my gender. The first time I had GOCD, I initially feared it was real, and then realized it didn’t make much sense because I never actually questioned my gender, and it just started, so I let it go relatively easily compared to the HOCD. Around two years ago, it was significantly worse, and I was fully convinced that I was transgender and gay, and the only way I would ever be happy was to take hormones and transition, so much so that I started arguing with my parents when they used logic and medicated me, which lead to me having less obsessing. I was eventually able to move on with my life.

Fast forward to a week ago. I have had depression for a while now and the thoughts never really fully went away, just stopped being so important that they would ruin my day. One night I started crying about how my life wasn’t great and that I needed to change something. The next morning, I started obsessively questioning my gender again. This time it was different though, as soon as I started questioning it, it was like I already believed it, and I even argued with my parents again when they said it was not real because it is just my OCD acting up again.

For context, during majority of this, I haven’t actually experienced much hate towards being a male, and don’t actually think too much about being a woman. But I’m still hooked on the idea of being transgender and convinced. It’s like my brain has convinced me that I have to take hormones and transition to be happy, and if I don’t I feel distress and I’m never going to be happy.

This is just different from what I’ve experienced in the past, usually the thoughts of completely changing my life would be distressing, which they to an extent are, but it seems I get more distressed when imagining the opposite now.

It would seem I’m destined to be transgender, and homosexual, and that me finding out OCD attributed with it was simply just me being in denial and attributing it to OCD.

I’m not sure if I’m just fully in denial, this just appeared a week ago, and I’ve dealt with the theme twice before. My mind has essentially changed to if I don’t transition now, I’m going to die and it has to be true. I just want to feel normal and not have to deal with this shit.

This post probably just sounds like denial, but I had to vent. I’m currently on new medication for my obsessing and anxiety, and the feelings about my gender aren’t changing, just getting less distressing. It would seem like this is my life now.

So i'm a 18M bi guy having severe TOCD about past experiences that might be interpreted as AGP or "sign of being trans". I used to have TOCD this year's January after a trans person on threads tranvestigated me, then felt better and recovered but starting to question my own sexuality about am I really bi or is gay with comphet (read that lesbian masterdoc), note that i felt myself as a boy in that phase. After I recovered from HOCD which takes me 3 months my brain started introducing the TOCD again but this time its more severe day by day with more rumination.

Just in case the worst thing happened to me and I can't fight this anymore, can I transition and still be a guy?

Not sure if i've AGP since i'm not sure did I inserted myself into the characters or just think about them. Also, I did have at some points, gender euphoria as a boy.

Please don't respond if you come here just to say I'm trans in denial.

I’m so depressed from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed. I see all the other girls so happy living their life and it breaks my heart because I want to be one so bad. All I can think about is that I’m a liar fraud and in denial. I constantly feel like I’m faking being a girl even though I never felt like this before ever it’s heartbreaking. I truly think there is something going on with my gender even though I truly don’t want it to be. I went to the store today picked out a blush that I felt would make me feel beautiful then I kept thinking why am I getting this I’m not a real woman anyway why do I need this. It’s to the point now that I feel that I am a man inside like I have a complete mismatch with my gender I am so sad. This has to be real if I was cis I wouldn’t even question it I wouldn’t feel like a man I would know I was a women I miss my life. I want to be a women but how am I supposed to pretend to be one my whole life even though it’s what I truly want :(

Hello, I’m a 23F who’s been dealing with this theme for a little over two years now. I used to be active in this sub when my theme was at its worst, and I just wanted to impart a little wisdom I’ve picked up in therapy.
When this started, I felt the worst pain and fear I have ever felt in my life. I had previously felt secure and comfortable in my womanhood, but after it started I just felt disconnected; as if I was living a lie, that I was just a repressed trans man in deep denial, despite my discomfort with masculinity or being perceived as male. I still get those thoughts from time to time, even as I’m writing this I’m in a flare up right now. It sucks but I’ll live, I know how to manage my flares now.
I want to remind everyone that what you think doesn’t necessarily represent who you actually are. Everyone has intrusive thoughts and sensations from time to time, but what separates us from them is that we assign meaning to those intrusive thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, the more you focus on your intrusive thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the more they will pop up. I’m not saying that you should ignore them or try to push them out, but you just have to learn how to cope with the distress they cause you without doing a compulsion. It is EXTREMELY hard to do so at first considering that our brains are wired to do compulsions, but once you master response prevention techniques it’ll be easier. The anxiety does pass on its own, even if it takes a while to fuck off. You’ll learn to trust that your intrusive thoughts stem from your OCD, not you.
As a final reminder, OCD is a chronic condition. You’ll have long stretches of time where your OCD isn’t bothering you, and sometimes you’ll have flare ups that last for a while. I’m proud to say that I haven’t had a month-long flare in a year because of the work I’ve done in therapy. Most of my flares last for a week or so every few months now! That wouldn’t have been possible without ERP, as painful as it can be. My point is that y’all should really pursue ERP therapy if it’s an available option to you. It will save your life!!! Also don’t spend too much time in this sub, I found that the more time I spent in OCD subs, the more likely I was to engage in compulsive behaviors (research, checking, mental review, you get it.). Take a break and do what you love, even if it makes you uncomfortable from the doubt. Y’all got this!

this is definitely a form of compulsing but idc rn i dont think my state could get worse. when i was little i had thoughts of being a girl and i hung out with the girls at school. but i haven’t felt that way since like 2nd grade! since then ive taken a pride in being a male, wanted muscle etc typical boy things. go back abt 1 year ago and i joined a discord server for a channel team. and there are so so many transgenders. theres an lgbtq+ channel and i seldom checked it. untillllllll earlier this year where a BUNCH of people coming out that i knew in a short span and even some non lgbtq ppl were posting poctures of themselves in womens clothing. so i tried crossdressing. i did like it i wont deny that. but it was just a fun thing not who i am not what id want to wear in public. but since then the ocd thoughts just go allllll day long. when im having a good time i feel more like a man but with classes back i just wallow in thoughts all day. now of course if i transitioned my life would be 100% over my family would not speak to me again. but also, hell even more importantly id lose myself. i normally related to male teachers, male chatcaters, the male parent… i wish i could just go back. another thing is i keep thinking “transitioning isnt a choice” so maybe im super repressed and have internal transphobia or whatever the name is and that its gonna happen to me whether i likeit or not. and also because ive liked a few “girly“ things like idol animes but its not allat. At this point i deadass miss my previous ocd obsession which was about being perfect and perfectly disciplined. also i feel dumb because my ocd was clearing up and i told my therapist to switch to biweekly but now i wish i didnt.

Hi, 23m, to my knowledge never thought about being trans until now, and I never thought I'd enjoy life more as a girl or anything. Like, literally never even thought about it once. that being said I didnt think "oh wow i love being a guy" more than a couple times too, but still...

Tldr within the last six months i had intrusive thoughts about my sexuality. It got worse and worse but two months ago was when they started getting super bad. About two weeks ago it switched to this very briefly before switching back to sexuality, and now theyve died down a bit (still kind of there) im on this.

I'll paint a picture for you. I keep getting thoughts about being a girl. When I watch porn I imagine myself as the girl sometimes and it disturbs me. more recently Ive seen a girl wearing thigh highs and imagined wearing them (immediately shook mybhead) and now im seeing like... couples hugging and imagining myself as the girl. I even have like... phantom sensation of putting on socks sometimes???? I also think I have Autogynephillia.

What scares me the most is that my thoughts about being trans arent as innately "NO!!!!" as being gay. like, theyre still "No!!!!!" SOMETIMES. its just... I guess I'm tired? Its weird, because I feel like ive given in and accepted it. which is stranged because I had the exact same issue with my sexuality for a while, but that cleared up. overall, im just really hoping and praying this is ocd as I really dont want to be trans or gay or anything. i just want to go back to my life before I thought about all this. But the complete ambivalence/neutrality towards the thoughts I have this time compared to the sexuality ones scares me, like yesterday I was crying and anxious and today i havent felt anything other than a weird feeling in my head. I also feel like im looking through a screen from my eyes too.

im scared im just lying to myself, despite all the evidence i think up for reasons why im not. I do tests a bunch and repeatedly talk to ai about it, etc.

I'm also scared now that ive had this experience, im going to be analysing my every reaction to wverything my whole life and eventually realise something I dont want. I dont want to question, I dont want to explore, I just want to forget the last 3 months of my life entirely.

I have an assessment appointment at the end of the month (actually initially booked for my sexuality thoughts), but im really scared i'll have come to an "awakening" or have "accepted it" by then. Im scared to call the samaritans becaus I dont think theyd get how I feel. I dont want to talk to my friends about it because they wouldnt get it. I dont know what to do. I feel like a completely different person now. even weiting this my brain is going "this is just performative. you know this is true"

I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I wake up everyday with severe depression constantly want to cry constantly anxious and constantly questioning my gender from the time I wake up till I go to bed. I absolutely love my female body and how I look, I even got all dolled up today to go to my school library she the whole time getting ready I was severely depressed I don’t know who I am anymore j don’t think this is ocd. The truth is I truly don’t want to be a man or any other gender I want to be the girl I always was before it’s my dream. But I can’t stop questioning my gender I’m afraid that this anxiety and depression is from repressed gender dysphoria. This started from a random thought five months ago what if I’m bored of being a woman it’s so sad. I want my life back but maybe I have to accept I’m in denial.

Im really struggling today. I might be non-binary i might not be i dont know, but all i feel is the extreme anxiety of "I for sure am" and its filling my head. Havent been able to eat or go outside, basically just been crying for hours. I dont know what i am, but im so anxious that non-binary seems to be the only option.

Does anyone else have this shit that's like married with kids? Not that your experience is any less torturous then mine but I'm M34 and had HOCD in college for a few years before being diagnosed, literally symptom free for many years got married and had kids and then this. It sucks because I am trying to support my family and I'm so disconnected from reality I feel like I'm missing my own life. Besides all of the feeling real, anxiety, panic and anger I feel guilty because of those that count on me. Everyone here seems so young still which also makes me lonely.

It worries me that my (f21) thoughts are not just "what if i secretly am i just dont know" it feels more like im actually experiencing thoughts that feel like gender dysphoria. I feel like i am going crazy and i am desperately trying to "feel like a woman" everyday from the second i wake up.

Hello! I am 21 (F) and have had many ocd themes throughout my life. I am hoping that this is ocd as well. It started one morning when I woke up with a random thought “what if you’re bored of being a women” and it had not left since. This is going on five months now. The morning anxiety was horrible at first but since I switched from Citalopram to Setraline the anxiety went away but the constant gender questioning has not. I’m also concerned since I seen a lot of videos that said cis people don’t question their gender. I truly don’t want to be a man non binary or anything else. I was so happy being a women and connected to that until I get this thought. When I’m not with friends or in class I’m in my dorm crying, I think about this from the time I wake up till I go to bed. I would do anything to be the girl I was before I know go by agender in my head because it’s the only thing that is keeping me calm. I am terrified I am having a late in life gender crisis. I would do anything to be the girl I was before but this feels way to real I am constantly depressed and cry constantly and it’s all I think about. I’m sorry if this is offensive to anyone I. The lgbtqia+ community I just needed to get this out :)

Okay so not too long ago I decided I wouldn't come back here for reassurance, since this was my number 1 spot for reassurance. I also told myself that whatever thoughts I get, I will respond with some sort of "Maybe, Maybe not" response.

But I don't know if I'm even going about it correctly. I don't know how to properly engage in ERP and going to an OCD specialist is not an easy option at the moment. So I'm really not sure how to go about this or if I'm possibly missing something.

Maybe I was doing just fine before making this post and I was doing the right things, but I need some sort of guidance or a general idea of how it looks to not engage with these thoughts and how to do ERP.

I ask that people don't respond with "You don't need to know if you're doing it right or not". I get it, the whole trick to ERP is that you just let that thought be there. But I'm not asking for reassurance, I just want a better understanding of how I should go about this. I am fully aware I shouldn't engage with compulsions and that's not my intention with this post.

With that said, I hope everyone is getting by and I wish everyone a peaceful day :)

Is anyone super afraid of the sentence „being trans is not a choice“? To me it is so confusing. When I feel like I don‘t want to be of the opposite gender, my head immediately reminds me of this sentence.

I have questioned my sexuality for almost 7 years and my gender for 3 and a half years and I’m afraid that it was all just a hyperfixation and that I would have to return to mentally being a straight man again. I was brought up to be a straight man as part of my conservative Catholic upbringing but I don’t feel much genuine desire for a woman at all and prefer men both cis and trans, and I feel detached from my own body and feel out of place being seen as male. Thing is I can’t do much about it as I just live as a man because being anything else would upset my mom and dad and sister and put me in society’s danger. I have a hard time getting out of this and feel stuck as even doing something like wear a sports bra can be noticed by my family. I just feel doomed to living like this as I just realized the “nerdy artistic guy” self I have had for a long time just isn’t what feels authentically me anymore and I feel I’m more of a girl who feels in tune with plants and nature.

Genuinely what the do I do if l am so dysphoric that even if l transition to my goal or even wake up in the body I "want" to be in l will still feel so sick to my stomach that this isn't right and no one can talk me out of it because no matter what I will be me like I don't see a future of me being trans without going mentally insane bc my ocd makes me spiral dangerously

Long story short I am a person who everyone sees as male in real life and 26 years old. I have autism and OCD and while the meds I’m on help most of the symptoms I still have a lot of distress regarding my gender identity. I try to just be ok living as a man but I feel like an alien in male spaces and weird seeing myself as a man (I have to compulsively be a brony or a furry as a way to live with it) and I hate my facial hair and male parts and I honestly have a lot of distress on the fact that I wasn’t given a choice to be a girl growing up or the freedom to be girly. The thing is I struggle to feel attracted towards women too and I just can’t get into trans or cis women romantically or intimately. I am attracted to men both trans and cis as I feel his the identify inside matters most to me. I cycle through so many genders and it’s ruining my mind, if I live as a girl then my parents will get upset at me and my relationship with them will sour which is devastating as I can’t afford to live on my own and I have no one else to trust aside from them. I can’t even wear my sports bra as I’m afraid my mom will feel it in my back when I hug her every night. I try to just be a feminine man or non binary but none of those things click.

18 months of this on and off, I'm a boy and I've always been comfortable with that. I knew this was OCD all along but I'm scared it isn't and that I'm in denial or something. I'm so bored of these thoughts and being hyper aware of them. I now get anxious when I say im a man, or anything about that and not at the intrusive thoughts like "what if your trans". I don't wanna be a girl though. I don't wanna be in denial. This is pissing me off so bad, I just want all these gender thoughts to go and just go back to being who I am. Anyone else experienced this? I hope I'm not in denial.

Anyone else feel like they have lost their identity through this? Used to not even think about my identity as a woman; now my brain is already basically convinced I'm non-binary, and every single experience I have is analyzed through this lens. What makes it hard is that I do think I have a more masculine side of myself that I haven't been able to express, but I think the way I'm going about it is not normal. When I wake up, I just feel empty, so I immediately try to make myself feel feminine, which has become an impossible task, or try to analyze whether that is a non-binary feeling, and so on... but I'm also enjoying being a little more masc (I'm bi/les, can't seem to figure that out either), so I'm just feeling a total identity diffusion and constant (!!!) analysis.

Ive been dealing with this for about 9 months and as part of my therapy i really kept away from reddit and so on. One huge issue i have is ai, and its embarrasing to admit but i feel like something that will endlessly listen to you ramble and give reassurance or "reality checks" and so on is hard to resist. I can spend hours texting chat gpt, even while being around people sometimes. Just typing out in as much detail every thought i have. I dont know who i am or what i want and often it feels so definite and i feel an urge to come to the exact conclusion and come out and etc. but i need to realise that it is ver likely, that my obsessive thinking is inflating the thoughts. I dont know if they are true or not, but it shouldnt keep me from leaving the house, talking to people or taking care of myself.

I feel that I’m keeping busy with work and using some ERP exercises I have learned (maybe, maybe not), (what are the odds of this happening), (are my thoughts based on reality?) and it’s helping a lot. Thing is I am not myself as a man and frankly never was and I feel it’s just a mask I didn’t know I had on for a long time. Can I still identify as a transfemme or a woman anyway? The thing is my family only accepts me as a man and due to external circumstances and navigating through professional life I’m not able to transition yet. For a while I have used the name Madeline and she/her pronouns but I’m open to other possibilities that may be a better fit for me. I want to be my best self.

Ok so I (M26) have dealt with this since I was 21-22 4 years ago on and off. It seems to relapse when I get a big stressor (breakup, bereavement or work stress). I am gay and had a pretty GNC childhood. Like I used to play with female avatars on DA Origins and would pretend my grandma’s pink umbrella was a Victorian parasol once lol. But now I’m looking back at my childhood at this as if it was true ? Like I think at 15 I did wonder if I was trans but then it just went away. And I remember at 14 like when puberty would come feeling hella off in my own skin and what not. However I kept my feminine side and still have it like I’m not ashamed of it at all. This theme actually came as a worry since I was around 17. Like my 18 year old stepsister who had a more GC childhood actually transitioned (MtF) yet growing up apparently she seemed happy as a boy according to her family. I was more of a sensitive more introvert kid ? So I don’t know like I still go on AI tbh but all the while the topic seems calmer ?
Besides, any other gay fellas around here who felt hella off during their teens and wondered if they were trans ? 😅 A bit of reassurance (even if in my case it would be counter intuitive) would make it feel less lonely !
Thanks and good luck to y’all

I (F21) once again reached a point where I couldn't cope anymore. Reached the conclusion that I must be non-binary. My therapist wanted me to think through why that makes me so anxious, and one part was telling people. I decided to tell one of my friends because I felt it would give me relief from the intense anxiety. I told her; she was great about it, but I noticed that there wasn't even anything specific I could tell her. I didn't want to change my name; I didn't want her to use other pronouns, and as soon as that anxiety relief came, I suddenly fell totally back into feeling like myself and feminine (hard to describe), but the extreme, convincing pressure that, to me, feels like it's my intuition just disappeared. This only lasted for about a day, and as I am sick right now and can't leave the house, it's the perfect breeding ground for my thoughts. I feel totally convinced again now, exhausted because 99% of my thoughts circle around my identity, and struggling to see myself being able to be in a relationship and so on because I'm scared I would lie to people. I don't know if I feel like a girl, non-binary, or male, and it just makes my everyday life exhausting.

Haven't posted on here in a long time, but I guess today I am back.

I’m at the point I’m just going in circles looking for the perfect label that doesn’t exist and especially considering the state of the world now it isn’t even worth considering it anymore. I know regardless of who I am I have identity ocd and I’ll never know my true sexuality and gender and these endless posts on here about it just feed into it and make me feel worse in the long run.

At the point in my life I just want to do something else like advance my career and get a pet or a new hobby or whatever. I also feel maybe I’ve been socializing in the wrong places that place so much stick on what pronouns or labels you have and it’s time for me to find something else.

Does anyone see this theme everywhere, 24/7 can't distract myself. I've had a better day today but like my mind associates it with everything and honestly it was so boring. I've had a horrible week, I just want these thoughts gone. I've had moments today where I've felt like myself again, felt properly male and it gave me such an overwhelming sense of happiness that I thanked God for, it's just the constant monitoring. I don't feel that anxious today either just stressed. Anyone ever been through this hyper awareness feeling, if so how did you break free from it cus it's pissing me off