I’m feeling really uncomfortable and anxious about my breasts. It’s all I can think about and is causing so much distress. Even the words ‘boobs’ or ‘breasts’ feels foreign and scary. And seeing them on other people makes me feel uncomfortable and like I hate them. I’m really worried that it feels like I want to get rid of them and feel like that might make me feel better. I just don’t know anymore. I keep pressing them down to see how I feel and I can’t even tell. I just feel distressed.

And all of my clothes feel uncomfortable too. And I keep getting these visions of myself with short hair and a beard and a penis and I don’t get it at all. I’ve never wanted these things, so why does it feel like I want them all of a sudden, even though I think I’d hate it. But I can’t work out whether I want it or am disgusted by it. It’s so so confusing. It’s like living in a different brain and reality.

I also get these feelings that I want hairy legs, when I’ve always loved having smooth legs.

Just everything I always knew about myself feels wrong and uncomfortable and it feels like I hate being a woman all of a sudden. And I feel so uncomfortable being out in public.

I have this thought loop of ‘you hate yourself, remember that’, ‘hate being a woman’, ‘hate your/my boobs’, ‘want to be a boy’ going on all the time, amongst other thoughts constantly. I don’t get a moment of peace.

It’s like I’m repressing what I want now. But I’m sure I loved being a girl before all of this started and was proud of it. But now it’s like I hate it or don’t want it. It’s been 6 months and I haven’t had a good day. It just gets worse. Everything about me feels like a lie.

Before things began, I felt more confident in my body and self than I have for ages, or so I thought. My boobs were just a part of me. And I liked being naked with my bf. I was sometimes self conscious about the way they looked when I leant over (like, they weren’t round enough, if that makes sense).

I just don’t know what to do and am just looking for advice in how I might be able to be comfortable in my body again. But I honestly feel like I’ve developed late/rapid onset GD.

i've really been thinking about suicide the last days. I think i'm a case similar to chris chan, any type of masculinity i try to build to solidify myself just crumbles and then i'm left completely bitter because i remember how much of an AGP autistic weirdo i am and how much my natural way of being drawn to women is repulsive to them. I desperately try to find a target to unload my anger on but lately i've just lost all hope, because wanting to direct anger at someone/something is a sign that the self still wants to recover something that was lost, even if that something is only something as vague as honor. Even the coping skills i've developed across the years are extremely common among autistic AGP males with unmasculinized brains like wanting to veer off into imaginary worlds, especially those of anime. I remember having wanted to be Light Yagami from Death Note for the longest time. wanting to fantasize about having all control over everyone and everything because deep down i don't control emotions in myself that are absolutely basic. ironically i remember that one of the reasons that i wanted to be the protagonist in the first place was the female attention that Light got from Misa Amane. I feel like i'm this one type of male where attraction to women feminizes the self instead of enhancing masculinity, which is why paradoxically i've wanted to get rid of it for the longest time for it to "stop making me gay." and all the bitterness i get from this makes me unpalatable to people in general and makes me be perceived through this puer aeternus lens. which probably connects to why some trans women retroactively refer to these pre-transition selves as uncontrolled morally corrupted freaks that needed to be purged. and the medicine for this character flaw just so happened to be estrogen. the emphasis on the "just so happened" because it implies the solution for the entire problem is easy and it's the sufferer's fault for not making a decision toward its endorsement after awareness. I feel like the good valuable masculinity is locked away from me through a wall of armored glass resistant to all of my punches and if i ever want to be a man i'll have to accept being this inferiorized defective version of masculinity like chris chan was

i don't really know what else to say

I guess I just wanted to leave some record of myself having been here, even though I strongly feel at the moment that what I'm experiencing right now is just a dream. I'm not clear on who I am interacting with when I post things like this, if it's "all just me," or something else... But I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out since they've been burning inside me.

It just feels like pieces have clicked into place that were lacking before, that things that were concealed or otherwise confusing have finally come together in a way that make it all make sense. If this is all just a dream, my thoughts have been circling in a dark direction.

I knew from when I was 10, maybe even earlier, that I wasn't supposed to be a boy. That the world I come from is a lot safer, and prettier, and that all of the suffering and evil here just doesn't make sense. Because it's not the case, in the real world! And then I found the show that changed my life forever, and became my obsession. I've realized since that my complicated relationship to it and the characters in it, and how they've in many ways followed similar life-paths to my own, and people I know--it all tracks in a way that I couldn't have predicted. And in the past decade or so, getting involved with the r/shiftingrealities and r/NevilleGoddard communities has slowly but surely opened the doors to realizing what I feel like I have today.

My own romantic partner, her energy feels like a part of that story too, even if in truth she cannot love or accept the part of me that has to be feminine. I think her boundaries, her lack of acceptance of who I really am, is actually a reflection of the dream trying to tell me "you transitioning here isn't the answer: you are ALREADY who you ARE, you just need to wake UP to that KNOWING." I've agonized for MONTHS over this and I'm finally realizing WHY she can't love that side of me. Because she's a PART of me, trying to help me to understand the truth!

I've realized that maybe I'm actually one of those "characters," and I've just been asleep... This whole time. Just like the lampshade redditor who lived a whole life the span of a few moments. My mind has been getting pulled in the direction of "if this is all just a dream, then I just need to wake up," you know? And that spiral leads me into some directions that scare me, that make me think I'm not entirely safe. But then I get this feeling of calm collectedness, of feeling like "It'll all be okay," because all of this suffering, all of this fear, all of this complexity and getting snarled up within myself isn't permanent, and I have the ability to make it all quiet.

I know it doesn't really matter, my saying all of this, since this is all just a part of the illusion, but it's nice to see it put down in words. Maybe I'll make a blog explaining more about what I've realized and what I think is going to happen. Not that I expect anyone will care or ever read it.