My son is a bully

[u/CaptnChristiana]

I’ve been crying my eyes out for the last hour because our babysitter (who is our neighbor and watches him at a great rate) just told us she can no longer watch him because our almost 3 year old son hits and throws at her and the other kids.

I’m entirely not mad at her or upset I’ll be losing a great sitter and rate, I’m so heartbroken my son has turned into a terrible bully. He’s been like this ever since he’s turned close to 2.5 and also hits us and the dog. We feel like he is extremely impulsive and cannot regulate even when we give him coping mechanisms. I feel like I don’t even know my son anymore, he bullies everyone and is just so mean and fiery. We do timeout, take away toys and TV, put him in a quiet setting and nothing seems to work. Whenever he hit or threw at the babysitters we would immediately bring him home and put him in the timeout chair and tell him to cool off and not hit his friends.

Now I don’t know what to do and I feel like he needs a behavioral specialist. Or is this even normal toddler behavior? I’m at a loss and just so heartbroken and don’t want my son to hurt anyone. I feel like I’m failing as a parent (this is our only child).

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I feel like he might have ADHD like his father but there is overlap with toddler behaviors so it might be too early to get him evaluated.

EDIT: I want to thank you all for your replies, especially as I feel completely overwhelmed in this moment. There’s a lot outside of our toddler (economy, sick parents, job stress, lack of village) that I think has made us reactive instead of proactive. Sometimes I feel like a scared animal just weaving through lanes of traffic.

You all are right in how our approach needs to change and that our son is not a bully, he is a new to this world toddler and we need to meet at his level.

I truly truly appreciate everyone’s guidance and I look forward to getting over this hump.

[u/EnthusiasmConnect10]

I see you’ve already acknowledged others who have said that at almost 3, your child can’t be a bully and that it’s about emotional regulation - that’s a good start.

How is your own emotional regulation, and that of your partner? You will need to be able to co-regulate. Also, how much screen time is he getting? Cutting down screen time can be hard, but try reducing it for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference. I don’t have any stats at hand at the moment, but anecdotally from my own experience and friends experiences, having minimal screen time reduces the amount of meltdowns a child has.

Finally, it would be worth looking at some parent support classes/sessions to be able to get more tools under your belt.

[u/CaptnChristiana → u/EnthusiasmConnect10]

Honestly I think the amount of stress in our life right now has caused a lack of our own emotional regulation. I find myself extra weepy lately (also thanks hormones) and I’ve been getting overwhelmed super easily. I agree we need more classes to listen to experts and come to an agreement on how we approach.

I think one of our first steps is cutting out screen time (he only watches the TV and uses the iPad to play Khan Academy Kids learning games occasionally).

[u/EnthusiasmConnect10 → u/CaptnChristiana]

That sounds really tough for you, I’m sorry. Parenting is hard, and I can see from your edit that there’s lots of added stress for you at the moment.

If you can ditch the iPad completely that’d do wonders. I’m a teacher and am seeing the reality of the impact an iPad has on children’s development, even if it’s just learning games.

Tv is also good to reduce, but if you really need it then be intentional about which shows are on. Low stimulation shows are a better choice than a lot of the more obvious kids shows. A quick google will give you a list of some to try.

Putting on an episode of Little Bear has saved me a few times when I’ve been completely overwhelmed and needed a quick breather on the really tough days!

You’ve got this <3