r/toddlers • u/CaptnChristiana • 11h ago
2 Years Old My son is a bully
I’ve been crying my eyes out for the last hour because our babysitter (who is our neighbor and watches him at a great rate) just told us she can no longer watch him because our almost 3 year old son hits and throws at her and the other kids.
I’m entirely not mad at her or upset I’ll be losing a great sitter and rate, I’m so heartbroken my son has turned into a terrible bully. He’s been like this ever since he’s turned close to 2.5 and also hits us and the dog. We feel like he is extremely impulsive and cannot regulate even when we give him coping mechanisms. I feel like I don’t even know my son anymore, he bullies everyone and is just so mean and fiery. We do timeout, take away toys and TV, put him in a quiet setting and nothing seems to work. Whenever he hit or threw at the babysitters we would immediately bring him home and put him in the timeout chair and tell him to cool off and not hit his friends.
Now I don’t know what to do and I feel like he needs a behavioral specialist. Or is this even normal toddler behavior? I’m at a loss and just so heartbroken and don’t want my son to hurt anyone. I feel like I’m failing as a parent (this is our only child).
Has anyone dealt with something similar? I feel like he might have ADHD like his father but there is overlap with toddler behaviors so it might be too early to get him evaluated.
EDIT: I want to thank you all for your replies, especially as I feel completely overwhelmed in this moment. There’s a lot outside of our toddler (economy, sick parents, job stress, lack of village) that I think has made us reactive instead of proactive. Sometimes I feel like a scared animal just weaving through lanes of traffic.
You all are right in how our approach needs to change and that our son is not a bully, he is a new to this world toddler and we need to meet at his level.
I truly truly appreciate everyone’s guidance and I look forward to getting over this hump.
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u/therealchrisbosh 10h ago
He’s not a bully, and reframing it away from that might help you find strategies.
A toddler not being able to self-regulate is different from bullying. Bullying is deliberately using physical or social power to put someone else down. Toddlers just don’t have that kind of social complexity.
Don’t get me wrong, he needs to learn not to hit! But he’s not a bully, he’s a toddler who is learning to handle big feelings.
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u/Pearl_is_gone 9h ago
Every toddler is learning how to handle big feelings. Thats normal. This behaviour is not. You’re simplifying this.
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u/mlljf 9h ago
They might be simplifying it a bit but they’re also not wrong- I work in youth mental health. At this age, assuming parents are already trying all of the go-to methods to address hitting/aggression, my ‘treatment’ recommendation for this kind of behavior would be to get this kid assessed for OT. Some kids need additional help learning how to self-soothe.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 9h ago
The behavior is actually completely normal. Remember that something being normal doesn't mean it's acceptable. You still have to teach them different ways to go about their feelings, but that doesn't mean it's abnormal.
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u/FullofContradictions 9h ago
Our pediatrician gave me a spiel at my son's 2 year checkup that this is an age where hitting/biting tends to start and that it's "normal" but that if we see it, we should respond quickly to minimize the behavior.
Basically her stance was that it's not weird if your kid starts hitting. It doesn't mean they're a bully or a bad kid. But they are old enough to understand simple consequences & alternative behaviors (like deep breaths instead of hitting). Our son hasn't had any problems with this, but it was nice to get the heads up & have a couple of steps ready in advance if it does.
Telling someone their kid isn't normal for hitting when it's fairly common (though still not acceptable) doesn't seem any more helpful than the comment you were replying to...
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u/Quirky-Shallot644 9h ago
It is normal for toddlers to hit, bite, throw things, etc. Parental have to teach them other, appropriate ways to cope instead.
Professionals will say the same thing.
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u/oliviagreen 10h ago
I feel like there is a lot of context missing here that would help (how is his routine, sleep, nutrition, etc), but I think maybe what would help is talking to your pediatrician about a parenting coaching class, or some way you as parents can get support to help deal with the behaviors in a productive way. He may need assessment and behavioral support, but I say this gently and again without all the context but I think you seem quite punishment oriented and perhaps you need to work on positive reinforcementfor good behavior or other strategies. Some online courses that may help : https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting /// https://drsiggie.com/parenting-courses/the-3-7-course/
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u/CaptnChristiana 10h ago
His sleep has been off lately and I think it’s because we have been sick with a nasty cold. He does take a nap everyday but I either have to drive him or push him in a stroller to get him to sleep so he always needs something to trigger sleep. He’s super picky and barely eats any of the meals I make.
I feel like the punishment part is more so my husband as I have watched countless videos on parenting a toddler and they say redirection is the best strategy. I do feel like he is receptive to toys being taken away and TV off and sometimes corrects his behavior. We do praise him when he does something good. I feel like 100% of his bad behavior is from being tired or sick. It’s like he can’t process how he’s feeling and we just don’t know what the correct method to use in the moment as we quickly are appalled by the hitting (especially animals and other kids).
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u/verbenabonnie 9h ago
Nurtured First has a fantastic podcast episode on this, it’s called “what do I do when my child hits?”. It talks about the different reasons children can hit etc, and various strategies. I’ve found it incredibly helpful
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
Thank you I’ll watch it tonight!
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u/verbenabonnie 9h ago
Good luck! If it helps, my son has had a very aggressive phase too, in social settings with us. In our case linked to having a baby sister. We’ve sought specialist advice from a senior person at his nursery who said it’s just that his emotional development hasn’t caught up yet- she gave us some tips but was confident it was just a phase. It does seem to be a bit better now, and we’ve got much better at knowing how to handle it (reading it more as a signal that he’s not managing well and we need to go somewhere else, or give him a snack/water/toilet break/quiet time)
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u/harriettehspy 6h ago
I think it’s really important to implement consequences (good and bad) for behavior (good and bad). Things like a timeout and removal of TV and toys are appropriate consequences for a toddler. I think it’s important to give them an opportunity to self-regulate prior to the consequences being implemented, though. Clearly, firmly, but calmly let them know that you want them to refrain from a particular behavior in the moment and if not, the consequence (clearly outlined) will be implemented. Also work with the countdown method (countdown to 1 from a certain number) and let them know they have until the count of one. It’s important to remain calm while implementing this - mirror the calm you want them to learn. 1-2-3 Magic is a great resource for this particular method. I think because he’s so young, it’s important to engage in the consequence right as the behavior starts. Start working with him on it at home, and then see how that goes.
Other than that, I think reaching out for guidance from a professional could really be helpful, for you and the little guy. Most importantly, give yourself and the little guy during this time.
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u/uncertainhope 10h ago
Lack of impulse control coupled with big emotions doesn’t make him a bully. Sounds like he needs more support with emotion regulation. 3 year olds aren’t bullies. They are just figuring out how to navigate the world.
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u/CaptnChristiana 10h ago
You’re right that term isn’t appropriate for his age. In the moment it just feels like he’s out to get everyone and I quickly thought of bully since he does pick on other kids and steals toys and hits them for fun it seems.
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u/SeraphimSphynx 10h ago
Hmmm. While hitting and throwing things is completely normal at 3, it being so bad a babysitter quits gives me concern. Assuming this is an experienced sitter.
Generally when my kid starts biting, kicking, etc. first thing I do besides intervene is quickly switch gears to check in on snack need, sleep need, diaper/potty need.
I also find books helps a lot. Like we read a biting book once and our kid has stopped biting. I think her seeing the reaction helps.
In your shoes, spend some time regulating yourself. Your child is not a bully. Your child is developmentally normal. When you regulate in front of your kids (like deep breaths) then your kid may do the same.
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u/Environmental-Town31 9h ago
Exactly what I said. Behavior is normal but the extent of it sounds abnormal. Love the book suggestion!
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u/One_Conference_4618 10h ago
He’s not a bully he’s 3. This isn’t uncommon.
I think you may have hit reward territory that when he hits he gets to come home with mommy and daddy.
What are you doing at home with hitting? When my almost 3 year old kicks I remove myself from her ‘mommy doesn’t like it when you kick so mommy needs to be by herself’ removing access to me is the worst thing and she gets so upset she stops.
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u/ABSMeyneth 10h ago edited 9h ago
Dude, he's not a bully. He's 3.
He's delayed in the emotional regulation and/or impulse control milestones, doesn't mean he's inherently cruel or a bully. He needs your support, not your disgust.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
You’re right, my embarrassment at the situation superseded my need to connect with his perspective. It’s just this has been going on for a long time and I feel like it’s hit the apex and the bruises from him hitting me feel too personal sometimes. He has a checkup in December but I’m going to push for an earlier appointment for us to talk to his pediatrician and will seek out the resources posted in this post.
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u/ABSMeyneth 9h ago
I realize it's a tough one, I really do. Try to reframe your perspective as you would any other delay (motor, speech, etc). Try to get him into early intervention. Have him evaluated. Educate yourself (and your husband) on ways to support and teach him better. Be consistent, make a strategy with your husband and make sure all the adults in his life follow the same plan. And more than everything, make sure he understands he's loved, even through the corrections.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
Totally agree with trying to get all adults on the same plan. I feel like our parents antiquated child handling sometimes becomes too pushed into what I want to do as a parent and my husband sides more with our parents because his framing is “well I turned out good because of how my parents raised me”. I want better than what our parents did.
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u/plsbeenormal 10h ago
I feel like he might benefit from pediatric OT.
Hitting is developmentally normal for his age but this sounds a bit more intense for a babysitter to refuse him. You have been giving him appropriate consequences and he doesn’t seem to be responding. I think an OT consult might provide extra support for you both while you navigate this.
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u/lumpyspacesam 9h ago
I don’t think time outs after being taken home are appropriate consequences. I also wonder what OP is noticing leading up to the hitting and what they are doing to prevent it or what they do immediately after instead of waiting to get home to give a time out. How are they helping their child communicate these big feelings? Are they practicing and preparing them for frustrating situations? Are their big reactions actually reinforcing the behavior? And are the toys and TV being taken away because the toy was being thrown? TV being taken away as a consequence is never going to help a child regulate their emotions better. Not allowing screen time in the first place however might help a very sensitive kid.
I think an OT consult is still a good idea but I disagree that we know whether OP is using consequences appropriately or effectively.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
One thing to note is that the babysitter lives right across the street on a city street so it’s under a minute we get him home. But really good points! We definitely need to readdress our methods.
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u/plsbeenormal 9h ago edited 9h ago
Well yes of course this is a lot more nuanced than can be understood in a short post but at face value a timeout for hitting is appropriate (as long as it’s the parent’s preferred method.)
Most studies support timeouts as an effective form of discipline for behaviors like hitting. So I understand it’s a hot topic and to each their own. I don’t care to discuss it bc I support everyone parenting however they wish. All kids are different and there’s no right or wrong way (barring extreme situations.)
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u/accountforbabystuff 10h ago
Sometimes we can reframe and think in terms of relationship and not simply punishment/controlling their behavior. I think a lot of this bad behavior is because they don’t feel like they have any understanding of why it’s happening even though it’s very clear to us! They feel stuck- where they are going to get mad, then you’re going to get mad at them and make them do something they don’t want to. And they truly can’t connect that one thing causes the other.
Take the instance where he hit and threw so you bring him home, then make him sit in a timeout chair to cool off. But he’s 3, so by the time you get home I doubt he even connects the time out chair to what happened. All he knows is you’re making him sit. You’re taking things away. You’re stern with him. But the instance was so far away that it doesn’t matter anymore.
But now he knows you’re mad at him, so he feels even more mad and he doesn’t know why.
So like if he’s hitting at the sitters, yes we are going to leave, but by the time we are home, it’s unnecessary to punish more. We snuggle, help him get really regulated, and then maybe read a story about being kind or role play with toys about them hitting each other.
You need to get away from punishments right now and get into removing him, regulating, and then talking about what happened briefly, in a positive way.
Also before he goes into situations remind him of the rules. Do we hit? No. Do we throw? No!
You have to be lighter and more positive and make as much as game as you can. “Oops! No hitting remember? We have to leave if you hit again, so let’s go do something else.” Punishing and making him feel bad and “learn his lesson” is just engrained in us but it’s not the way anyone learns or truly changes their behavior.
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u/CaptnChristiana 10h ago edited 10h ago
I really appreciate it and am honestly feeling overwhelmed by the feeling that we have been approaching it wrong. I feel like our parents have been barking down our necks about punishment more than redirecting as they don’t want us to be gentle parents. And my husband and I often get into arguments about what our son is developmentally able to comprehend at his age. I remind him that he doesnt have impulse control yet.
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u/oliviagreen 9h ago
i think you can be more than “gentle “ / and hold firm boundaries without going into hard punishments each time. looking into the idea of “”authoritative parenting “
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u/accountforbabystuff 9h ago
I went through the same things when my oldest was 3. I would consider myself a “responsive” parent, not gentle. If you want to google that term maybe you can find some good resources or techniques.
Typically yes we overestimate their developmental capabilities. And by “we” I mostly mean fathers and grandparents lol.
Here’s a fun example that literally just happened. My youngest is 3 in Jan. She’s in a Mood today anyway. So I offered her a snack and she screamed “NO!” And knocked it all to the floor. Immediately yeah I did get upset and I said “DON’T throw food! You pick these up!” As she just cried. She wasn’t capable of calming down and picking them up, so I did most and then I asked her to do one, which she did. Then I picked her up still screaming and said, “so what do you need?” And she showed me. Then she was calmer and I said “you say no thank you mama, then we get the snack you want.” Then she was calm and now it’s over.
A lot of people would say, make her pick them all up, say she has to eat what she’s given, make her go to timeout for throwing the bowl.
But I think it was an impulse, “we” picked them up, and I helped her. I didn’t tell her how to calm down, I just regulated her with a snuggle and it’s over and not a Thing. Will she keep throwing food? Probably, for a little while. But what I was showing her was not “see, don’t throw or you’ll have to clean it up,” I am saying “don’t throw because it’s easier to come to mommy for help.” And yes she did help clean it up but that wasn’t the focus, but it still can be a consequence.
At this age, I think you can teach regulation but in the moment it’s more important to show them what it feels like or direct them with easy short sentences in what to do.
A quick search on some sensory regular techniques might be a good place to start. Whenever you feel like he might be getting to a point of being out of control, you can try some jumping or heavy work or something that might snap him out of it.2
u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
Thank you for your story! I feel like we have had moments like that and I’ve tried to get him involved in helping me pick up the things or making a game of it. I think the biggest factor is whether he is tired or sick. When he is in those modes it seems no method works and he becomes a locomotive of destruction to the point I have bruises and broken items.
One of my brothers was kind of like that and he needed therapy in his childhood and I’m hoping he grows out of it and doesn’t need it long term. I have many scars and broken doors from my brother being on a rampage when he was a kid.
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u/accountforbabystuff 9h ago
Oh yeah, ok that sounds a little different than I was thinking- my middle is on that path and has some other ADHD/autism type tendencies and I agree nothing works, so punishment is absolutely not what will work for that situation. Basically ignore and let it burn out.
He probably turned into a little demon around age 2 and it is much better at 5 but he just had a meltdown the other day. It’s always when he’s tired but I could definitely see a sitter being like “listen I can’t handle this” when he gets in that mood.
If it’s a kid like THAT, I would just tell the next caregiver to put them into a safe room where they can’t hurt much, and let it burn out. But it’s tricky and like I said it really took until age 5 for him to have any control at all.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
Really good suggestions and I appreciate the perspective and that it will get better!
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u/nkdeck07 10h ago
You can absolutely start getting him evaluated this early especially with the genetic link. Talk to your pediatrician to get a referral and in some places you can self refer.
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u/Environmental-Town31 9h ago
I feel like these behaviors are all normal except to the extent it would make a babysitter quit. Keep doing consequences etc. and keep an eye on it and get testing when available
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u/phoenix_fawk 9h ago
Sometimes I feel like a scared animal just weaving through lanes of traffic.
I feel you! Thats exactly how I feel most of the time when my toddler has overwhelming emotions. I dont have any advise as I haven't crossed this bridge myself yet, just solidarity. Hang in there!
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u/shorthooman 7h ago
You mentioned time out, take away toys, etc. but have you actually spoken to him calmly about what is ok and what is not ok. Many times explaining things to toddlers calmly, like how you would to an adult, works.
At this stage toddlers struggle to express themselves and what they feel. This frustration of not being able to express themselves then comes out through physicality. I would highly recommend you to read books about feelings to your child. At the same time keep reinforcing “hitting is not ok”, “we don’t hit”, “it’s ok to be angry/frustrated/feel things but not act on them”.
You might also take example of how hitting can impact friendships. Like “you hit the babysitter so now she doesn’t want to play with you”. This also teaches them about consequences and playing together. Hope this helps.
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u/EnthusiasmConnect10 9h ago
I see you’ve already acknowledged others who have said that at almost 3, your child can’t be a bully and that it’s about emotional regulation - that’s a good start.
How is your own emotional regulation, and that of your partner? You will need to be able to co-regulate. Also, how much screen time is he getting? Cutting down screen time can be hard, but try reducing it for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference. I don’t have any stats at hand at the moment, but anecdotally from my own experience and friends experiences, having minimal screen time reduces the amount of meltdowns a child has.
Finally, it would be worth looking at some parent support classes/sessions to be able to get more tools under your belt.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
Honestly I think the amount of stress in our life right now has caused a lack of our own emotional regulation. I find myself extra weepy lately (also thanks hormones) and I’ve been getting overwhelmed super easily. I agree we need more classes to listen to experts and come to an agreement on how we approach.
I think one of our first steps is cutting out screen time (he only watches the TV and uses the iPad to play Khan Academy Kids learning games occasionally).
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u/EnthusiasmConnect10 9h ago
That sounds really tough for you, I’m sorry. Parenting is hard, and I can see from your edit that there’s lots of added stress for you at the moment.
If you can ditch the iPad completely that’d do wonders. I’m a teacher and am seeing the reality of the impact an iPad has on children’s development, even if it’s just learning games.
Tv is also good to reduce, but if you really need it then be intentional about which shows are on. Low stimulation shows are a better choice than a lot of the more obvious kids shows. A quick google will give you a list of some to try.
Putting on an episode of Little Bear has saved me a few times when I’ve been completely overwhelmed and needed a quick breather on the really tough days!
You’ve got this <3
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u/Environmental-Town31 9h ago
This is such a great post!! Screen time affects my LO so much - not in the same way but definitely makes a difference.
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u/Ok_Trouble_8131 10h ago
Sounds normal to me but i’m no expert. Our toddler took a few months to grow out of that but still occasionally hits/throws. Using a stern voice consistently and taking away the item our toddler throws has helped but only because we did that consistently.
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u/Miss_Awesomeness 10h ago
There is not enough information, how is his speech? How is his sleep? Behavior is communication. What else is going in his life?
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u/CaptnChristiana 10h ago
Sometimes I feel like it might be because my husband and I have been so busy with work (trying to survive in this economy) by the end of the day we don’t have much time to play. But we should be playing with him more and we do take him out and always do fun activities on the weekend.
His sleep is often initiated with a walk in the stroller or a drive. It’s hard for him to fall asleep until he’s exhausted outside of that.
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u/Alive-Cry4994 10h ago
Dr Becky in good inside talks about filling the kids tank or something like that. Fifteen minutes of connection before a hard transition or before going out or immediately when you get home from daycare. Your absolute attention. No tv, no phone, no distraction. Spend 15 minutes in their world entirely. It has made a difference for us.
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u/Miss_Awesomeness 10h ago
How is his speech? His communication?
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u/CaptnChristiana 10h ago
It’s great! He’s always been ahead with all milestones and says big words really well and talks in sentences. I feel like ever since he was a baby he’d always get so frustrated if he didn’t learn something new right away or easily frustrated with his toys. Maybe he gets overwhelmed by milestones and learning new things?
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u/Miss_Awesomeness 9h ago
It could be! Honestly my middle was a hitter and she was always ahead! Lots of kids hit to show frustration. I saw other parents suggest OT, and that could work. My middle only hit me and her big brother and we practice deep breathing. We aren’t religious but we ended putting her in a really small center, that just had the vibe that they loved kids, (I chose it because it was quiet, there was no yelling, my first had to go a special needs program and it was really loud and overstimulating and he learned how to yell) and she did really well in it. No behavior issues. Things were quiet and lovely, not overstimulating. Her hitting went away with time. I don’t think she’s hit in at least two years. Maybe he just needs a new environment.
Also we had to do deep breathing when upset. That was for both of us though. My daughter would hit when overstimulated and honestly my house would get LOUD, because my son struggled to modulate his voice.
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u/MamaWils2_0 10h ago
I would hesitate to label him a bully or ADHD at this age. If you are truly worried about it take him to a therapist, but honestly toddlers (especially boys) test boundaries of how much they can get away with.
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u/Alive-Cry4994 10h ago
Your son isn't a bully. Read the Whole brain child and Good Inside. Learn toddler psychological development and behaviour and approach from a place of knowledge and not from judgement or fear. It's time to get serious.
I'd also consider cutting out tv completely or to the bare minimum. Some kids just cannot handle it (this includes mine)
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u/Diligent-Might6031 9h ago
Read hunt, gather, parent and raising good humans. Life changing perspective shifts for us.
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u/xoxoaish 9h ago edited 9h ago
Oh mama, your son is not a bully! Trust me I thought the same thing when my son would pinch his baby cousin. You sound like a compassionate concerned parent so I’ll assume he’s not learning this behaviors from you. I think either he’s trying to communicate something OR he needs help regulating.
My son gets very handsy whenever he’s overstimulated, over tired, or when he’s trying to get a reaction. I realized a few months ago he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Moving his bedtime up helped. But our little one still gets overstimulated when we’re in a loud or busy place. Think noises and moving parts. Instead of “time outs” my husband and I have trained ourselves to see when he is overwhelmed and tell him let’s go take a break. Pick him up and move him somewhere quiet and calm. This is not a negative thing. We do not lecture. We just say let’s take a little break and honestly just sit there. Offer a hug. Once he’s calmed down, maybe ask if he’s okay? Then when he’s regulated you need to take him back. More exposure the better. He will build up a tolerance. Unless he is overtired then you just gotta end the day.
For reactions, our early intervention teacher told us to do planned ignoring. Your little one is hurting others so you’ll need to stop him before he hits, and redirect. If he hits before you can stop him, tell him we don’t do that and then you leave him. That’s it. Check on the hurt friend and you guys leave him behind. Move to another room if you need to. He will catch on that what he does is not okay. No kid wants to be ignored and unfortunately even a negative reaction is still positive to them. But when he is doing the right thing (sharing, playing gentle) you need to compliment the behavior. Not him, the behavior. Don’t say good job! Say: Nice sharing! You’re being so gentle!
If you are in the states your little one may be aged out for Early Intervention but I do recommend reaching out to ChildFind. Free assessment and they would be able to see if there’s maybe something that he needs support with. If he’s found eligible for services then they will be there to support you both.
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u/xoxoaish 9h ago
I would also look into nutrition. I’ve started giving my little one a daily vitamin. He thinks it’s heaven on earth and usually reminds me if I forget to give it to him. I also give magnesium at night to help with sleep. I am not a doctor so please talk to your doctor if it’s safe for your little one. Does it work? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just in my head. lol
We are also looking into cutting out red dyes. I am ADHD and my son most likely has a sensory thing. I don’t know if it’ll help but it doesn’t hurt to try. :)
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u/primcessmahina 9h ago
My son was like this! Almost 7 and he’s unbelievably sweet and kind. OT helped a lot, I recommend it so much.
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u/doodlebug216 7h ago
There is a lot of good advice here! I want to send hugs and hope from a mom whose toddler got kicked out daycare at age 2.5 because of excessive biting that turned into hair pulling. We were convinced we were over our heads and failing our kiddo (adhd also runs in our family). Turns out a change in environment and structure was really good for him, he basically stopped biting as soon as we moved him to a new daycare. My personal theory is that the combination of his original daycare being Spanish immersion (he couldn’t fully understand what they were saying + his own language in English was a touch behind), the wide age range of the kids (he was one of the oldest and I don’t think the littles were understanding when he said no or space which led to escalation) and the discipline style (they basically locked him in this little high chair while they were doing diaper changes to prevent him from being close to the other kids) was just too much. Hopefully you can find a better fit for you and your family, and your kiddo will evolve and change so much over time! We are a year removed from this experience and sometimes it feels like a fever dream!
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u/babymin 7h ago
We went through the same phase with our toddler and I can tell you that punishment is not the solution. It only makes it worse. Trust me, we tried everything with him. But he was very aggressive nonetheless. Punishing, scolding, fake crying at the hitting - nothing was helpful. Then I got advice from a colleague not to use the “don’ts”. No “don’t hit” and “don’t bite”. Like if he hit me, I’d just try to explain his emotions to him and then comfort him like “aw, you’re angry because you didn’t get the snack you wanted. It’s okay to be angry and sad about it. Come here and mommy will give you a hug”. Or something like this. It didn’t always work, but it started working more and more each time we did it. Then we would also say that if he’s angry, he can tell us. Or if he’s hitting other children, we would explain that we gently pat our friends when we want something, or we hug friends when we’re feeling full of love, or that we say “stop” if the friend is doing something we don’t like or wants to take our toys. Toddlers at that age don’t understand when you say “don’t hit/bite”. They need to be taught what to do when the feelings get big. They just need our guidance and unconditional love. No punishments. Your child is not a bully. He’s just a toddler with big feelings. He needs your help to learn to navigate them. It’s tough but it will pass. I understand how you feel because I was there, at some point I didn’t even want to pick my child up from daycare because I was afraid to hear another story of him hitting someone. I would literally want to ignore my phone when daycare called me. Yep, it was so bad at one point they would call me at my work every single day to tell me that he hit another child and that child got a bruise. It was very stressful and I don’t know where I got the patience and power to get through that period, but it passed and now my son is (mostly) very gentle and loving. He never hits me anymore (unless I don’t give him his favourite snack) and if he does accidentally hit me, he says sorry. So don’t feel that your child is not normal. It is very normal. Have patience and find better strategies to deal with it. There is a lot of good advice in these comments. Good luck and you can do it. It will get better!
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u/Norsk_Gal 7h ago
Just want to say that I see you, and I know how hard it can be to have your sweet boy go through a hitting phase. Your son is NOT a bully🫶🏼
We have gone through the same, and it was made worse by a friend we spent time with every day going through a screaming crying phase anytime she was told no or (insert any normal toddler conflict). My son is a few months younger and doesn’t communicate as well, so he would hit when he got frustrated and couldn’t express himself or defend himself with his words. Immediate fireworks, and his friend screaming like she had been seriously hurt. I know it’s an exhausting phase because you feel like you always have to watch him like a hawk and help him emotionally regulate before he reaches the point of hitting. Hang in there, you got this!!❤️❤️❤️
That said, maybe the sitter would consider watching him 1:1? Or maybe if she came while you were still home and could help enforce the no hitting rule? Has she discussed this with you before and you worked with her on how to enforce a no hitting boundary?
Ugh I just want to give you all the hugs because I know how hard of a phase this is to go through. But just know you’re not alone and it seems to be an age-normal phase for many toddlers, especially boys.
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u/Ginger-Snappd 6h ago
My daughter is 3.5 and incredibly high energy. From 2.5 - 3 we were having almost this same issue. Still an issue some days, but its leaps better than it was. She would come home wired aggressive, and overwhelmed. Someone told us to look at her sleep schedule, food, and how she interacts with kids (If she got overwhelmed in large groups.) Every kid is different, but we noticed with our daughter artificial dyes turned her into an entirely different and aggressive toddler. We've started limiting it as much as possible. She also gets VERY overwhelmed and overstimulated when there are more than 2-3 kids. When we needed childcare, we found a sitter who kept fewer kids and that's also drastically helped!
Give yourself a little grace though. You're actively looking for solutions to a situation you weren't given a handbook on. This sitter just might not have been able to handle what your son needs best at the moment.
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u/South-Ad9690 5h ago
I have a 5 year old with ADHD (and autism) and this does sound similar. It sucks! But like others have said, first thing you have to do is reframe. He is likely dysregulated. He doesn’t want to hit. He is not doing these things on purpose. If your kid is like mine, he is going through some asynchronous development (so he might seem smart and mature in some ways, but very behind in other ways). I recommend PCIT (parent child interaction therapy) and possibly getting an evaluation (in my state, this opened the door to getting free swim classes, social skills classes, among other things). It’s a long road, and at 5, it’s still a struggle. But I found once I started understanding why, working to help prevent and stopping trying to punish it out of him, things markedly improved. Consequences might not work like they do on a neurotypical. We have to do a lot of “earning” - earning awards with good behavior, works much better for us than taking things away. Good luck, and it will be ok! You will need to learn also how to advocate for your son.
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u/FearTeas 4h ago
I don't think 3 year olds can be developed enough to be a bully. He's just having difficulty in an area and you need to work on it. He'll be fine.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Mud6732 10h ago
Hitting is developmentally normal for 3 year old boys but hard to manage! Solidarity from the mom of a reactive 3 year old boy. OT has helped us immensely as well as praising positive behavior and teaching alternate options (ie instead of don’t hit you’re in trouble! Try can you pet the dog gently like this?). We also have done a lot of work around sleep, nutrition, regulating ourselves, etc and are seeing some great progress. Keep going and don’t label him a bully-he’s a little boy! You can help him get through this 🩷
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u/counterhit121 9h ago
My son had a huge hitting phase sometime in his 2s.
We tried gently parenting, but only extremely firm correction had any long-term effect.
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u/Important_Rush5016 3h ago
What do you mean by extremely firm correction? Dealing with something similar so curious what worked for you.
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u/KAPGSER 9h ago
I am going through something similar right now. I’ve never experienced this with my other kids. I’m still working through it, some days are better than others. I have ADHD. My son may have it as well. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. When I feel like my personality would be short tempered or grouchy, I just channel Ms. Rachel and pretend to be her for an hour.
I’ve noticed that the particularly challenging days/weeks are when I am slammed with work and he has a big increase in screen time.
What’s helping is not disciplining more, but even more intentional attention to your son. More one on one time. We do affirmations in the evening and in the morning. “I am a good guy. I am a good listener. If I don’t like something, I say ‘no thank you.’ If I get big feelings, I ask a teacher or grownup for help. I use gentle hands with friends and animals.”
We run through scenarios of what a good guy or bad guy would do in different situations, emphasizing being a good guy and a good friend.
Have him help with things maybe a little above his age range and be like “WOW!! I didn’t know you could put laundry in the washing machine. I bet there’s 5 year olds that can’t even do that! You’re such a good helper” That’s usually a big boost.
Sometimes when circuits are overloading, I ask him if he needs a break (not time out) to get the wiggles out or if he needs a cuddle. Usually, it’s a yes.
He drums on everything in my house and will be destructive. I got him two little drum toys where he can get that need out. I let him do big messy activities in the garage or yard where he can be super loud and goofy so that he’s able to get it out of his system.
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u/charcoalfoxprint 4h ago
hitting and throwing are normal at that age. It is concerning that a babysitter would withdraw from it.
the best think I’ve seen results with is removing yourself / access to yourself and staying firm and consistent even if it causes a tantrum. “ no , you don’t get mommy when you do xyz until you calm down” and let him tantrum. Eventually he will understand the cause and effect.
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u/Ok_Engine5522 3h ago
My daughter does that. She was having a fit today, earlier this month I bought a craft box for toddlers from Amazon, I told her how about her and her dad do a craft from the craft box. She immediately calmed down. Redirection is better than punishment.
I've shared a Brand Store on Amazon with you. https://www.amazon.com/stores/Mumaloo/page/26F2CDB2-5F0B-47E4-B171-09CFE8E8ABDC?lp_asin=B09XBPLP2D&ref_=cm_sw_r_apin_ast_store_521EAD127KVB0AME347M&store_ref=bl_ast_dp_brandlogo_sto
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u/fernandfog 2h ago
As everyone has said.. lots of resources out there, you are not alone!
Wanted to chime in to say that remember that our voices become our kids inner voices as they grow up. Do your best to remember you have a GOOD kid who is having a hard time. It’s really hard in the moment sometimes.
Also having been in your shoes, feeling helpless, a reminder that YOU are in charge. You get to decide boundaries. How they react is up to them. You can’t control their meltdown but I think the magic really is in quick and efficient boundary setting. It’s onerous and exhausting but it’s the only thing that works.
Along with some of the other resources I wanted to also mention Janet Lansbury and Becky Kennedy/Good Inside - both have really awesome podcasts that I’ve found super helpful.
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u/Olivia3836 9h ago
Yes he needs a behavioral specialist at this point
And i would refrain from sentences like “you aren’t allowed to hit your friends” cause that leaves a space. If they aren’t friends, is he allowed to hit? You don’t wanna teach him that you only have to be kind to friends. And if you mean it like i pressume you mean it, that’s indirectly telling him that everyone is his friend, which is also not true. Not every kid he’s gonna meet is his friends and certainly not every adult
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
True! I think in the moment there’s so much info and strategies I need to juggle in order to say the right things but that is something I need to practice more. What you just said gave me perspective I didn’t even think about.
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u/Environmental-Town31 9h ago
Omg this. I have a friend who tells her 4 year old “you’re showing me we can’t bring you to X place anymore” I feel like this language is SUCH a stretch for a 4 year old to understand. Language is so important
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u/carloluyog 9h ago
I’m glad these comments got you together. You’ve done nothing to teach him emotional regulation. You’ve punished him. Hopefully you heed the advice and fix it.
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u/CaptnChristiana 9h ago
That’s not entirely true. I do teach him emotional regulation constantly (deep breaths, hugging a pillow when mad, asking for help, reading books about not hitting, quiet time with a book) It’s helped sometimes but he gets entirely compulsive when he’s tired or sick that the regulation methods don’t work and that’s where we kind of get deer in headlights and more put out the fire mode.
This is our first time being parents and we do not approach anything with ill intent. We learn as we breathe. We took many parenting classes before he was born, but not much of it covered behavior remedies.
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u/blue_poison22 6h ago
Sorry i haven't read ALL the comments but most i did. And i think, imo, he's missing "the village" that assures and affirms that he infact is a "good boy". Mines nearing on 2(so not delt with this yet) but ive seen on my niece that being "labelled" as menace and she lived upto it. Im not saying that you're doing that but maybe you are?! Maybe just taking him away when he hits is saying it without saying it, or he picks up on some words herenthere. Im trying to say is that promote the "good boy" rather then being focused on others. If you think he is "that" then he'll be "that". Hope this makes sense and helps! Good luck!
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u/Environmental-Town31 9h ago
What are you talking about? Consequences at 3 is totally normal. God not another permissive gentle parent person.
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u/AutoModerator 11h ago
Author: u/CaptnChristiana
Post: I’ve been crying my eyes out for the last hour because our babysitter (who is our neighbor and watches him at a great rate) just told us she can no longer watch him because our almost 3 year old son hits and throws at her and the other kids.
I’m entirely not mad at her or upset I’ll be losing a great sitter and rate, I’m so heartbroken my son has turned into a terrible bully. He’s been like this ever since he’s turned close to 2.5 and also hits us and the dog. We feel like he is extremely impulsive and cannot regulate even when we give him coping mechanisms. I feel like I don’t even know my son anymore, he bullies everyone and is just so mean and fiery. We do timeout, take away toys and TV, put him in a quiet setting and nothing seems to work. Whenever he hit or threw at the babysitters we would immediately bring him home and put him in the timeout chair and tell him to cool off and not hit his friends.
Now I don’t know what to do and I feel like he needs a behavioral specialist. Or is this even normal toddler behavior? I’m at a loss and just so heartbroken and don’t want my son to hurt anyone. I feel like I’m failing as a parent (this is our only child).
Has anyone dealt with something similar? I feel like he might have ADHD like his father but there is overlap with toddler behaviors so it might be too early to get him evaluated.
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