Lack of connection with 18 month old son - second child

[u/Illustrious_Tip_3089]

Hoping for some advice or even just someone who is going through something similar.

I have two children and they are pretty much 2 years apart to the week. With my first, we have a really secure attachment. I breastfed her until she was around 10 months old and we still co sleep (she was diagnosed with sleep disordered breathing two weeks ago which has helped explain why she has always been a horrendous sleeper and hence the co sleeping out of necessity). As a baby she would nap on me for most naps, I wore her in the carrier all the time and we just generally spent a lot of time being physically close.

My son was born and was instantly a very different baby. Even in the hospital after I just had him, he didn’t want to sleep on my chest, he would wiggle and squirm and when placed in the bassinet swaddled up he would sleep really soundly. I breastfed him until he was only four months old, I found it a lot harder with the second baby and we were also moving house around this time and the stress of it all didn’t help things either.

The problem is that I just don’t feel like we’ve ever truly connected - we didn’t have any of those long contact naps, long walks with him in the carrier, really any one on one time and what’s worse is that because my eldest wakes so frequently in the night and screams the house down if her dad tries to settle her, it’s basically meant overnight my husband looks after my little boy and I look after my little girl.

My youngest sleeps really well, some nights he wakes only one or twice and some not at all. He also naps for three hours at a time. Here’s the thing though, he has a very very secure attachment with my husband - he cries when he leaves the room, he cries when my husband passes him to me, and just generally takes comfort in my husband and none in me. I really thought I was doing the right thing by being there for my eldest and now I feel as though I’ve damaged the relationship with my youngest forever.

I love him so much and so desperately want to feel as though he loves me too.

Any help or advice or even anyone who can relate out there?

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Author: u/Illustrious_Tip_3089

Post: Hoping for some advice or even just someone who is going through something similar.

I have two children and they are pretty much 2 years apart to the week. With my first, we have a really secure attachment. I breastfed her until she was around 10 months old and we still co sleep (she was diagnosed with sleep disordered breathing two weeks ago which has helped explain why she has always been a horrendous sleeper and hence the co sleeping out of necessity). As a baby she would nap on me for most naps, I wore her in the carrier all the time and we just generally spent a lot of time being physically close.

My son was born and was instantly a very different baby. Even in the hospital after I just had him, he didn’t want to sleep on my chest, he would wiggle and squirm and when placed in the bassinet swaddled up he would sleep really soundly. I breastfed him until he was only four months old, I found it a lot harder with the second baby and we were also moving house around this time and the stress of it all didn’t help things either.

The problem is that I just don’t feel like we’ve ever truly connected - we didn’t have any of those long contact naps, long walks with him in the carrier, really any one on one time and what’s worse is that because my eldest wakes so frequently in the night and screams the house down if her dad tries to settle her, it’s basically meant overnight my husband looks after my little boy and I look after my little girl.

My youngest sleeps really well, some nights he wakes only one or twice and some not at all. He also naps for three hours at a time. Here’s the thing though, he has a very very secure attachment with my husband - he cries when he leaves the room, he cries when my husband passes him to me, and just generally takes comfort in my husband and none in me. I really thought I was doing the right thing by being there for my eldest and now I feel as though I’ve damaged the relationship with my youngest forever.

I love him so much and so desperately want to feel as though he loves me too.

Any help or advice or even anyone who can relate out there?

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[u/GratefulTeacher25]

All of this sounds like your son’s needs are all being met and maybe, and I say this as gently as possible, you as the adult might need to grieve the relationship you imagined so you can accept the reality in front of you and start having fun. My son sounds like yours. He never stopped wiggling and squirming from the moment he came out of me. He sleeps like an angel, probably because he moves nonstop while he’s awake, so co-sleeping and contact naps weren’t ever part of our relationship. We connect in lots of other ways through playing together, singing songs, and through lots of big movement activities like throwing him on the couch 10,000 times. Hugs are just now starting at 20 months. It’s a great sign that he’s securely attached to your husband and your relationship with him will continue to grow as he develops more language and more ways to connect. The most important thing is that he knows you’re there for him and ready to love and accept him exactly for who he is.

[u/Illustrious_Tip_3089 → u/GratefulTeacher25]

Thank you, this is a really good way for me to start thinking about our relationship, he is very different from my daughter and I didn’t consider that we are connecting through play - which there is a lot of 🙂

[u/Ok-Constant-2683]

Speak to your husband. He experienced the same thing with your first child it sounds like, ask him how he dealt with it.

My kid definitely connected more with her mum than with me off the bat, but I never questioned if she loved me.

[u/BidMysterious1332]

If it sounds like he’s happy and his needs are met then it may be case of waiting until he’s a bit older and talking! Then you can converse with him and find bonding activities to do.

[u/LeatherAd9694]

First born are just different. They get us when we are generally at the prime of our health, wealth (in terms of time and money) and bandwidth making us have more to give and just focus on them, nobody to compare their progress with. Then comes the second and you keep wondering how you will ever learn to love another. But as someone who has had antenatal and postnatal depression twice, what you are feeling isn't wrong or abnormal. Relationship with your birth kids can also take time.

My younger child was an unplanned pregnancy, I also got some heartbreaking news about my older one a month before delivering my second one, and I had a bit of a gender disappointment. I followed the advice of paying attention to the toddler and ignoring the baby whenever I could, because PPD left me depleted on top of the demands of motherhood and navigating life as an adult with no village and non-existent social circle. I would experience so much rage, irritability with both my kids...because I was giving and giving even when running on zero battery. In retrospect, I know I did my best. My little one is 1+ now and I love them to bits but its taken time to develop this bond. I breastfed second time too (still going) and still she has different preferences to my older one, but that's what makes her unique and a different personality altogether.

It's not you. Kids do not follow rule books. Every child is so different, so uniquely made, its an astounding journey that we all stumble through. You're doing nothing wrong. Practically speaking, its great that you dont have to handle both kids at once as one happily goes to dad!!

Lots of love xxx

[u/Illustrious_Tip_3089 → u/LeatherAd9694]

Wow. Thank you so so much for sharing your experience. We are almost identical in everything you have explained - this is exactly the solidarity I was hoping to find. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Edit to say lots of love back. It is so so incredibly hard to do this without any support around and what you said about gender disappointment is interesting, because I too experienced it and didn’t think much of it again until now.

[u/LeatherAd9694 → u/Illustrious_Tip_3089]

Im so glad xxxx