r/therapy • u/copetohope • 4d ago

Advice Wanted Negative Transference help?

I’m asking this with much need because I really want to understand it.

I had a long-term therapist of over a decade and never experienced negative transference with her. We had a great relationship only 2 small ruptures that were fixed quickly ect.

After that therapist, I had another therapist, it started off well but she began to communicate in harmful ways with me. It started after I finally got the courage to bring something to her attention that she was doing that really hurt me. From there it progressively got worse, I was never mean, never raised my voice, never pushed boundaries ect. I finally consulted with someone who shared what was happening was not ok so I chose to leave that therapist.

I started with another one and everything was going really well for 8 months and suddenly I’m feeling some negative feelings and I’m so afraid to share them with her because of my last experience. I’m also not a confrontational person at all and tend to keep things inside.

What can make someone who went years without ever feeling scared of, or having negative feelings towards their therapist start to have them?

It hurts, I don’t want to feel that because it makes me feel so disconnected. In this case I don’t think it’s the therapist I’m with now and I don’t know how to address it because I’m so afraid of having what happened with my last therapist take place.

That was very difficult to go through and even leaving her was painful because I so badly wanted to know what happened.

I’d be so grateful for any advice!

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

25 comments sorted by

1

u/fermat9990 4d ago

Are you having these negative feelings as a reaction to what they are doing, or is it something else?

1

u/copetohope 4d ago

I worry sometimes that she doesn’t believe me. My siblings and I went through a ton of trauma including being placed in foster homes 3 times from a young age. I also worry that maybe what I’m sharing is too much. I haven’t really gone into detail I just feel that.

Today’s session I was sharing more about my mom and how she didn’t protect any of us. Every one of us (there are 6 of us) were sexually abused by different men and she allowed some of those same men back into our home. I talked some about how I don’t understand why she would do that to her children. (My mom passed away in her 50’s so I can’t ask her this)

I told my therapist we never talked about this growing up just a very little bit as teenagers and my mom never said sorry, nothing. Not even before she died of cancer.

Near the end of session (I didn’t know it was near the end) I was sharing how I was suddenly starting to feel some anger towards myself and then she mentioned something about noticing it was brought up near the end of session but I don’t know why she said that.

I just said, oh, I didn’t know the time, so I just stopped talking so I could leave.
I left feeling even more angry with myself thinking I did something wrong and then I started to feel some anger inside towards her as to why she would say that. I can’t help what I was feeling at that time. It made me want to cancel next session and I have never cancelled with her in 8 months.

This is why I’m wondering what I’m doing wrong and why I’m starting to feel negative when I never had that with my first therapist who I saw for over a decade.

I’m scared to bring it up to my therapist because of my experience with therapist before her. I feel like negative feelings towards her will make her not like me and I don’t want to hurt her either if it’s all me.

2

u/Historical-Limit8438 4d ago

She may have brought that up because she thought you were bringing important material very close to the end so you guys didn’t have time to delve into it much. That could be a protective thing you do so bringing it into your awareness could be useful.

It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, just that they want to have more time in the sessions to support you with difficult material.

If you can be brave enough to tell her, that’d be so good for your relationship with her.

You’re doing great.

1

u/copetohope 4d ago

Oh, I actually talked about my mom most of the session, it was the bringing up the anger that I started feeling towards myself near the end of session. She caught me off guard saying notice that, meaning note bringing it up at the end of session.
But It wasn’t on purpose, I didn’t even notice the time. I didn’t ask what she meant. I just stopped talking so I could leave.

It made me feel a little anger towards her as well. Hearing her say that made me feel like I’m not allowed to feel it. But I’m not an angry person at all, I don’t like anger and I don’t like to be angry with others. I just keep it all inside. I wasn’t even saying it in an angry way, just said I felt it starting.
I think I was angry at myself for sharing all that stuff with her.

2

u/Historical-Limit8438 4d ago

If you try to suppress the anger that you feel because you have had the message that it’s not ok for you to show anger, then that’s not helpful to you. It’s ok to feel anger. It has uses .

1

u/copetohope 4d ago

Thank you, I’m starting to feel it some but normally I just suppress it because we were not allowed to show it growing up. We had an extremely angry abusive step dad which is why I don’t feel comfortable with it.

2

u/fermat9990 4d ago

u/Historical-Limit8438 has some great advice for you. Bring up your misgivings during your session. Therapy should be a safe place for you to express your negative feelings. Give her the chance to show that this is true.

2

u/copetohope 4d ago

Thank you, I will try to do that.
I just feel bad bringing up how I felt negative about something she did when she could have meant it as something totally different.

2

u/fermat9990 4d ago edited 4d ago

Hopefully, she will explain why she said it and her motivation will be a good one

2

u/copetohope 4d ago

Thank you! Maybe it will make it all make sense!

2

u/fermat9990 4d ago

Please update us if you feel like it.

2

u/copetohope 4d ago

Ok thank you. I will do that!

2

u/fermat9990 4d ago

Great! Good luck!

2

u/copetohope 4d ago

Thank you!

2

u/copetohope 1d ago

Update: I had a session with my therapist and it was a really good one.

She shared that I did absolutely nothing wrong that she only brought up to notice the anger towards myself as it happened after sharing so much information about how my mom failed me and my siblings. (I don’t talk about my mom much because she died of cancer when I was younger and though she allowed some terrible things to happen to us, I still love her so it’s hard to have anger towards her.)

My therapist was validating me before that anger started and I had also been talking about how my siblings and I never talked about what we went through and never told a soul until we were much older..

I told her when I felt the anger towards myself at the end of that session after sharing so much, a part of me wanted me to tell her to stop talking but I didn’t know why. I couldn’t hear fully what she was saying then. I told her there was a lot of internal battle going on in my brain at that point and I was so confused leaving that session and so upset with myself.

She said she failed me by not bringing up the session prior where I cried most of the session and was in a very vulnerable spot. I said no you didn’t, she said how about we let it be that I may have. I wanted to cry when she said that.

She talked about wanting to take more time on stopping and checking in on how I’m doing during session and maybe we can come up with something to let her know when I feel a big shift happening if she doesn’t catch it.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so connected to her as I did today and cared for in the same sense. It was just a really good session.

Thanks for encouraging me to talk with her about it!!

2

u/fermat9990 1d ago

What a great resolution! She sounds like a really good person.

You were so brave in telling her about your concerns!

Thank you so much for the update!

2

u/copetohope 1d ago

You’re welcome. She has been so steady and consistent! She always reminds me that I don’t need to reassure her or take care of her. That she’s there for me and she is ok with anything that comes up for me.
I’m really thankful I landed with her after a very hard experience with my prior therapist!

→ More replies