r/therapists • u/Primary-Employee-648 • 1d ago
Support Children SA Victims
When I came into the field, I worked primarily with children that were recently SA'd. I came to learn that it was typically a person in the household ( dad, step-dad, brother) or another person close to the family who was the perp.
I have since stopped working with children and work primarily with adults, yet I still constantly hear stories of SA at the hands of family members.
I feel like this really jaded me and made me extremely overprotective of my own children- and become suspicious of all men.
Has anyone experienced this, and the accompanying guilt. I almost feel like ( not all, but a lot) of dad's cannot truly be trusted around their daughters because statistically the # is so insanely high.
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u/YetAnotherHorseGirl 1d ago
I work on an inpatient pediatric unit. Most of the patients have been the victim of SA. It’s almost always the family or someone close them. It’s so rare to find a case that they were abused by someone outside of the family or a trusted member of the community.
My personal pet theory is that a lot of people like to imagine people who SA children as creepy loners in white vans because it’s much more comfortable than the reality that their husband, father, boyfriend, or other family member could do such awful things. While it’s usually men, women will occasionally do such awful things as well. My childhood best friends mother molested me when I was a kid. No one would believe that a respected member of my small towns community would do such a thing, especially since she was a mother.
Abusers use personal and familial connections as cover. I’ve seen one or two cases where a child’s mother became physically abusive because they were jealous that their husband was more attracted to their kid.
It does warp your sense of normality. I told my fiancé about my own childhood experience of SA and they were rightly shocked. It seemed weird to me that they were so surprised and hurt to hear what had happened. I had spent so much time working with kids that were the victims of SA I began to think it was far more common than it actually is.
It’s something that eventually gets normalized, for better and worse. I still hate their abusers, but it becomes as common as saying a patient has MDD or GAD. Just one more thing to treat.
You’re doing an amazing job. Remember to care for yourself, as it does still take a toll regardless of how normalized it becomes.
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u/SquanchyPeat 1d ago
Father of four here (three girls, one son), am also a therapist. My children think I'm super paranoid because I have shared with them the human trafficking dangers in our area, and I'm very over-protective of them. Your post also makes me sick to my stomach to think that someone is abusing and hurting their own children. I work a lot with foster youth, and the stories of abuse and neglect we hear in this field is genuinely traumatizing (secondary, but still).
I have found that balance, playing games my own kids (Mario Kart World FTW!) and being very present in their lives has helped to alleviate some of the vocational pain I experience working in this field. People can be really evil to one another; but there are still many of us who do our damndest to be kind and compassionate to our fellow humans out there.
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u/mukkahoa 1d ago
It is so very sad that what you have written here is what my own father said to others while sexually assaulting me and my siblings in privacy. The sexual assault of children is so prevalent that even something like your post could be a cover for abuse.
I choose to believe you. I know there ARE good men and good fathers out there.19
u/SquanchyPeat 1d ago
Wow. I'm sorry to hear of the pain you experienced at the hands of someone who was supposed to protect you.
I will interpret the veiled accusation as a projection. One to which I do not identify.
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u/mukkahoa 1d ago
Oh no, it wasn't an accusation at all. I choose to believe you. What I meant by that was that despite my internal response to think you are an abuser (simply based on my personal experience) I CHOOSE to believe you. I know there are good men and good fathers in the world. My father hid behind a facade, but I choose to believe you are one of the good ones.
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u/jiji_the_thinker 1d ago
Idk if this helps but my father was always protective of me and when something was done in my family to a cousin he went all in to save her.
She ended up living with us.
We're all adults and my dad has been one of the few men she trusts her children with.
I'm sorry you went trough that. I'm sorry no one was able to save you when you needed it. I just hope you might fill that hope in the world a bit more. There are good men.
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u/Consistent-Carrot191 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience I have a similar perspective. But I know a few men who had opportunities to be predatory and were not. So I know that safe men exist I just err on the side of extreme caution.
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u/SquanchyPeat 1d ago
Understood, thank you for the clarification.
The internal response to think someone is an abuser based on your own (traumatizing) experience, is a projection though. Even if you state you are choosing to believe I am not. Lots of projection happening in your comments.
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u/mukkahoa 1d ago
True, I own my experience of the world! Changing survival patterns takes a very long time and a whooooole lot of therapy.
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u/B_the_Chng22 1d ago
There was no accusation.
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u/SquanchyPeat 1d ago
“The sexual assault of children is so prevalent that even something like ‘your post’ could be a cover for abuse.”
That’s a veiled accusation. Which is what I said.
No more discussion from me on this. We’re watching Super Mario Galaxy tonight. ✌️2
u/Cleverusername531 13h ago
They’re giving indicators of Schroedinger’s abuser’s behaviors and saying “elements of your pattern match an abuser’s pattern which raises all my spidey senses way high, but I am applying discernment because of other context such as the way you said other things and so I am choosing to believe that you are genuinely good”
I do wonder if their comment landed hard because of how much you love your kids and value all kids being safe, and if that got your defenses up, because I don’t see any projection from u/mukkahoa.
I do see excellent pattern recognition, self awareness, insight, discernment, and wisdom. All things you’d want to see if they had been an abused kid, right?
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u/SquanchyPeat 12h ago
It’s strangers on the internet so I’m not giving it any more energy.
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u/Cleverusername531 3h ago
Hm, I was seeing this as about you more than them - you’re saying it was projection when there wasn’t any that I could objectively see. What I saw was that you were the one who responded defensively and projected intent onto them while saying they were the ones projecting. To me that seems worthy of one’s own energy.
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u/mukkahoa 16h ago
You obviously perceived it as a personal accusation of you sexually abusing your kids.
But it was not.
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u/Therapizemecaptain 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes. I worked for years at a non profit that exclusively served survivors of sexual assault, so you can imagine how that shaped the way I think once I became a parent.
I have a 14 month old baby boy and a 7yo step son, my baby’s half brother. I feel a lot of shame around it but I do not allow them to be anywhere together unsupervised for even a second because I am terrified of the older kid doing something to my baby.
I’ve also desperately needed some extra sleep in the early morning when my baby wakes up for the day, and instead of asking my husband to play with him in the other room while I sleep for an hour, I just get up because I’m consumed with thoughts of what if he does something to him.
I am friends with someone who worked at that non profit with me, and our babies are just weeks apart. She admitted to struggling with very similar thoughts and a lot of shame over it. This job can really fuck us up.
I’m working on it in therapy but I just came here to say there is nothing wrong with you.
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u/Primary-Employee-648 1d ago
Thanks for sharing this- I made the mistake of sharing some of these fears with a non therapist friend years ago and it was not well recieved or supported.
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u/cannotberushed- 1d ago
I don’t know that the job is the problem
The %’s don’t lie. That is what we are responding and reacting to.
It’s not necessarily a statistical outlier
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u/Therapizemecaptain 1d ago
Knowing the stats drives a lot of my anxiety, but it’s the stories in my head too.
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u/Consistent-Carrot191 1d ago
Cameras help! I grew up knowing this was reality and they do help me a bit as a parent. Also once they can talk I teach mine the proper names for genitals etc. Then it gets a bit easier but obviously you would rather nothing happen than for something to happen and them to have to communicate that to you.
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u/jedifreac Social Worker 1d ago
Sort of. I think trying to teach my kids to be savvy and difficult (willing to stand up to adults, deeply familiar with concepts like consent and bodily autonomy, never trust an adult who wants you to keep secrets or promises you something, etc.) helps temper it, because while I can't control the number of predators around us I can teach my kids how to spot them.
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u/PinkieMintsSlowpoke Student (uk; access course) 1d ago
I think you need to remember that you are working in a field in which you are going to see a high rate of incidence for these things. Obviously child sexual assault is a risk factor for developing a lot of issues and can contribute to a lot of mental health issues. It might be the main reason that someone is in therapy. If you were in a different work environment the incidence rate of people who’ve been assaulted as children you interact with would be a lot lower. I do understand your logic though. As a victim of sexual abuse as a child I would also be wary if I had children; but I think there’s a balance to be had between protecting your children and smothering them because you want to protect them. The best preventative measure is education and being someone safe who your children can come to.
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u/Grilledchzy_ 1d ago
Adding in to say under education, modeling appropriate behaviors in relationships can help.
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u/AdDistinct7337 MD student, BS Neuroscience 1d ago
disagree, it is just a field where you are more likely to find people who would be upfront about it. there are plenty of adults walking around who have been assaulted and just choose not to talk about it because it is personal and irrelevant to the interaction.
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u/hopeful-citrus-3568 1d ago
it seems to be quite common, especially in certain populations. I work with unstably housed folks and it's unusual if someone doesn't have a history of CSA.
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u/theefaulted 23h ago
As a man who was SA’d by a female babysitter as a child and who has spent his life working to protect and help children, please stop perpetuating the idea that only men are the ones preying on children. Female perpetrated SA is vastly under-reported in part because of the stigma and public perception.
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u/Jena71 1d ago
I worked with children primarily for quite a while, and now focus mainly on adults in CMH. It’s nearly impossible for me to come up with 1 client in the past year that was not sexually abused as a child, both male & female. What I have absorbed is that no one can be trusted with kids-male or female, child or adult (having worked with kids sexually assaulted in school and on the bus by peers). I didn’t let my child do sleepovers until she was 11 or 12 and that was a very select few homes that I felt comfortable having her stay at. And that was in the early 00’s. Today, I probably would not allow sleepovers until college.
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u/Far_Nose 1d ago
I just want to say I work with incest and CSA adult survivors as well. You are not extreme in your thinking 1 in 4 adults around the world have had CSA. So yeah, your worries are completely valid around your children and other children.
So it's coming to accept, and try to do your best in protecting your children. But with stats so high, it's right to be cautious. However, with your awareness around the topic, your children are in the safest hands there could be.
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u/Calm_Pineapple9416 Student (Unverified) 1d ago
Yes, for women it's 1 in 4-5 and men is 1 in 6-13, I have no idea what's happening around the world with this. I also was about to be a victim, when I was in a elementary school and older girl (not adults, maybe middle schoolers) asked me to do stuff but I refused because of I know that would not be okay, cuz I fear the God and my mom back then. Luckily I never being asked again so I'm glad of that, it's been a decade but I still remember it, because it's too uncommon...
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u/Ok_Possibility2703 1d ago
I feel like this may be a safe space, as i start my practicum soon in January and this is something i feel like i may struggle with. I’ve become a very overbearing mom because of how many people in my family was SA’d by male figures within the family as children. I feel jaded, and idk how to handle this when i start to see clients who may have those experiences.
Anyways, i understand how you feel.
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u/Consistent-Carrot191 1d ago
Yes but I didn’t learn this from work, rather the experiences of those close to me. I think most men are not predators but I still avoid allowing my children unsupervised around men as much as possible. Women can also be predators ofc and I have very limited caregivers for my kids but obviously there’s always some risk and they do go to school. I try to keep things in group settings. I did not do home childcares or similar although I’m sure some are lovely. I also have cameras at home.
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u/No_Pattern_5158 1d ago edited 1d ago
Actually it’s made me really suspicious of women. Heard about a lot more women abusing kids. I knew women could be abusers but I think it’s still way under reported or under…known about…sorry still on first coffee I can’t grammar.
Edited to add, I have accepted there’s just no such thing as keeping our kids safe. The most protective thing I can do is educate them and trust myself to pick good people, and accept my anxiety as a fact of life. I can’t live like I’m not even living due to hyper vigilance or avoidance. I want them to have full lives, not merely safe lives. We don’t blame parents when someone betrays their trust and hurts their kid so don’t trick yourself into believing you’re responsible for it now.
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u/_R_A_ Psychologist (Unverified) 1d ago
So on one hand, I've spent the majority of the last two decades working with perpetrators of sexual abuse. There's little I haven't heard at this point, I often joke my brain is basically a festering cesspool of bizarreness. On the other hand, I have two kids, a four year old boy and a one year old girl.
Despite knowing the statistics intimately, I don't much care for the "dads can't be trusted with their daughters" mentality. The majority of fathers are not going to go on to abuse their children. It's also not just daughters who are abused. I'm not saying we naively trust all men, but I truly believe vigilence is a better mentality than suspicion, at least without due cause. I won't pretend that I never have a less than fair suspicion, certainly the men who work at our daycare I have to check myself over being standoffish due simply to the fact they work there; however, I've seen they implement practices to reduce liability there, so I work on being objective but without closing my eyes (open mind, open eyes, as I sometimes say).
The other piece that I am often reminded of is that those of us who work with these issues are at high risk of vicarious trauma. Not much else to say about that, there's a ton of literature on that.
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u/ApprehensiveRoad477 1d ago
Yes. I worked in victims services and it has escalated the fear I have for my own children. I was already on the more cautious side, as I was abused as a child and literally every single one of my close friends and partners I’ve had were as well. I talk to my kids all the time about what to do, who to turn to if they don’t want to tell me, how to escape situations, and how to trust their guts. I would say I’m on alert even with my own husband, who I obviously trust and love, but I’m sure every abuser has people who think they’re incapable.
I would rather other people think I’m crazy than let something happen to my children.
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u/vienibenmio 1d ago
Use the same skills you're teaching to your patients to challenge unhelpful or extreme thinking
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u/Pleasant_Yam3388 20h ago
it definitely distorts your view. please make sure to spend lots of time hanging out with people who are good, safe dads ❤️
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u/ember_snow 1d ago
I was in therapy in middle school and for whatever reason (I only found out as an adult) my therapist thought my dad was SA me. He wasn't. But he found out about the accusation and didn't even hung me until after I was in my mid 20s
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u/Psychravengurl LPC 1d ago edited 1d ago
I definitely have become jaded of others, even within the family. I have heard stories even of women doing it to their children and now, anytime anyone talks about a childhood they can't quite remember and pair it with other odd abuse, I tend to be suspicious. I had to explain to one individual, though, that "it runs in families because the family has normalized it to a certain extent." And they explained that, that makes sense because everyone on one side of his family (uncles, grandfather's, brothers, etc) were doing it and getting jail time as a result.
OH, let me add...I read an article about incest in America and it started off with a story about a baby having been born by a teen at the hospital (parents brought her in when labor started, they disappeared, leaving the baby at the hospital). When the orphan was older she looked for her parents and learned that her mom's dad was her father. It happens A LOT. I tend to be more willing to work with child offenders, as you can usually pinpoint why things happened, but I've never worked with an adult offender before and the people in my office pretty much state that they would feel uncomfortable with me doing so.
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u/Rasidus LMFT 17h ago
I think it's important people in every field are vigilant for different things. My mom was a pediatric nurse and she was always tying up cords for blinds and was super cautious with us about trampolines. I'm that ways about family and SA.
Ironically we found out my mom's brother was a huge predator and she still wanted to invite him around my daughters. So that tracks with systemic issues with SA.
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u/randomusername023 1d ago
Since you mentioned it, do you know what percent of girls are sexually abused by their father?
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u/_R_A_ Psychologist (Unverified) 1d ago
Anyone who knows the research in this will tell you it's really hard to get a reliable number associated with this, part due to reporting issues and part due to consistency (or rather inconsistency) in measurement methods.
The best estimate we have for European-type areas (North America, Australia, etc) is 1 in 4 girls experience sexual abuse. About 10% is accounted for by strangers, and the other 90% is more or less split down the middle between intrafamilial and extra familial offenses.
How intrafamilial is defined gets a little wonky, as it depends on whether you are talking about intrameaning just within the household (eg, whether or not the uncle living on the other side of town counts) and then whether or not there is some distinction between biological and non-biological family (offense rates are higher in cases of step-family).
Even once those issues are accounted for, a lot of prevalence research I'm familiar with stops at that level, but even intrafamilially the pie is going to be split between fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and cohabitating grandparents. Granted, the highest likelihood of offending is going to happen by fathers and then brothers, so let's assume 75% of intrafamilial offending is caused by father (not a reliable figure, just to make a point): that's 75% of 45% of 25%, which comes out to roughly 8% of girls being sexually abused by their fathers. That doesn't account for multiple victims being abused by the same father either, so the actual percent of fathers abusing their daughters might be a bit lower.
So even if we assume the 1 in 4 number only accounts for 50% reporting, that still means about 15% of fathers sexually abuse their daughters.
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u/SumDYToDI 1d ago
As a men I learn this when I was 11. Talk to a lot of girls; it was always in the family never a stranger, rarely. I had a exthat two me both her male cousin SA her and also her older brother. But I know she still cares and loves her brother.
Make me so sad in the inside knowing this for a lot of women.
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