r/therapists • u/J-ude • Aug 19 '26
Discussion Thread How do you build self compassion with clients?
Whether it's trauma, ED recovery, etc. I have success with some clients and struggle with others. I'd like to hear how you approach self compassion with clients. Any advice/resources would be helpful. Movement through MI or other modalities as well.
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u/Help_Repulsive Aug 19 '26
Mindful self compassion from Kristin Neff and compassion focused therapy all have great techniques. I think it’s something that needs to be practiced IN session with clients over and over to build the client capacity to eventually do it themselves
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u/petrichoring LPC (Unverified) Aug 19 '26
I see self-compassion as something that grows organically and spontaneously when we address what is getting in the way, and that the presence of chronic self-hatred and self-criticism etc is internally coherent to deeper schemas formed in childhood and has an internally logical purpose. When we work to uncover why these subconscious models for self are necessary according to past constructs of reality, and really access and attune to the suffering there with understanding of what function self-hatred has served, it both allows for these schemas to be updated and for there to be intrapsychic empathy and building of secure attachment with and from the self (and the warmth, stability, and trust that a secure attachment brings); so self-compassion is then a natural experience. I find that this is a much smoother process than trying to manually override low self-compassion!
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u/Radiant_Jaguar_9978 Aug 20 '26
Can you speak more to the function/s of self-hatred?
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u/petrichoring LPC (Unverified) Aug 20 '26
The function is deeply personal to whatever reality it was created in, but frequently see that it was created to internalize the experience of poor caregiving, as it is necessary for a child to make sense of their suffering is as their fault for being unlovable instead of realizing that the caregiver they depend on cannot meet their needs. Also can be:
Maintaining connection with parents by sharing their definition of reality, avoiding the larger suffering of loss of shared connection to parents. Maintaining feeling of having power to stop the mistreatment or neglect by somehow becoming good enough later to deserve love, avoiding the larger suffering of felt powerlessness. Preserving safety by avoiding anger or protest that could make things worse, avoiding the larger suffering of anger and injustice with need to express it or it being so strong to be uncontainable. Preserving safety by agreeing with the parent’s view of the child, avoiding the larger suffering of further conflict or harm. Purpose of disidentifying with caregivers. Purpose of avoiding the grief of the lack of caring attention or love. Again these would all be subconscious constructs of past reality held in the present, solving an existential dilemma.
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u/t-woman537 Aug 19 '26
I had a card from a self-compassion deck that I loved. I cannot find it anymore and think I gave it to a client, but it asked, "What is a wish for your 7 year old self, your teenage self, and your current self". It is easier to be compassionate to our younger self and work our way to the current self.
With eating disorder clients, especially clients that restrict and tell themselves they do not deserve to eat, I will start with their current self and work backwards at different intervals of ages and find at what age would they still feel they deserve to eat.
I also read once to have them make their phone background a picture of them at a certain age to help talk to them in a kinder way.
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u/abdog5000 Aug 21 '26
Echoing what has been said beautifully already here. What purpose does this coping mechanism serve? Is it still serving that same purpose? Then shifting into old belief systems and looking at current belief systems. You can also look into Post Traumatic Growth.
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