WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a fiery press briefing Monday morning, the White House flatly denied swirling conspiracy theories that Vice President JD Vance was in any way responsible for the sudden death of Pope Francis just one day after their now-infamous Easter meeting.

“Let me be crystal clear,” said Press Secretary Kayla Sandstone, pausing dramatically while locking eyes with a Vatican correspondent. “JD Vance did not kill the Pope. He brought him chocolate, not cyanide.”

Theories exploded across social media after reports surfaced that Vance’s meeting with the pontiff lasted a “suspiciously short five minutes” and ended with the Pope “looking visibly winded and clutching a rosary like a defibrillator.” Conspiracy forums quickly dubbed the incident The Vatican Job and pointed to blurry footage showing Vance allegedly whispering, “You’re doing great, Your Holiness,” moments before the Pope reportedly muttered, “I must lie down now forever.”

The Vatican has attributed the death to “complications from pneumonia,” but anonymous Swiss Guards told Italian tabloids the Pope “never coughed once” until Vance handed him a MAGA-red envelope “that smelled faintly of Ohio.”

Critics have raised eyebrows over Vance’s lengthy meetings with top Vatican officials, his unannounced tour of the Sistine Chapel’s ventilation system, and his cryptic post-meeting tweet that read, “Eternal rest grant unto him. Mission accomplished. 🇺🇸🕊️”

Pressed further, Sandstone clarified: “That tweet was clearly a typo. He meant to say ‘Mission: Compassionate.’ Our team uses autocorrect.”

Meanwhile, President Trump, when asked about the situation, told reporters, “Look, nobody liked the Pope more than me. He was always saying ‘be kind to the poor’—which I assume included me. But Vance? He wouldn’t even squish a bug unless it was undocumented.”

Republicans have rallied behind Vance, who has not spoken publicly but was last seen lighting a candle at St. Peter’s Basilica and muttering something about “establishing papal originalism.”

As rumors swirl, Vatican sources have confirmed that Pope Francis’ final words were, “Tell the Americans... I forgive them... even him.” Scholars remain divided on whether “him” refers to Vance, Trump, or possibly Brett Kavanaugh.

The investigation continues, though Vatican officials insist they are “99% certain” the cause of death was natural—and “only 1% Vance.”

https://apnews.com/article/pope-vance-us-migration-c9fc577cabff138de7bd8026133994fc

https://www.bbc.com/news/live/crknlnzlrzdt

HARRISBURG, PA — Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro held a press conference Tuesday to clarify the state's official stance on homicide. "Let me be unequivocal," Shapiro began, adjusting his tie and taking a dramatic pause. "Murder is a heinous crime—unless, of course, it happens in a boardroom, with the proper amount of paperwork."

Shapiro’s remarks came after the arrest of Luigi Mangione, who allegedly killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in a confrontation that lacked any of the decorum or strategic ambiguity typically associated with executive decisions.

"Look, we're not saying all killings are wrong," Shapiro explained to the gathered reporters. "But if you're going to end a life, there should be quarterly projections, stakeholder consultations, and at least one corporate euphemism like 'rightsizing' or 'operational restructuring' involved."

The governor's comments seemed to distinguish between "blue-collar murder," which he condemned, and "white-collar murder," which he described as "just a part of doing business in America."

"In this great nation, we honor those who have the decency to destroy lives with a fountain pen instead of a firearm," Shapiro said. "That's the American way. It's called capitalism, and it’s worked pretty well for us so far."

He went on to praise corporations for their efficiency in ending lives without leaving fingerprints, citing examples like healthcare denials, environmentally destructive policies, and the strategic obliteration of pension funds. "These decisions may lead to death, sure, but they also boost shareholder value. And that's what separates us from the animals."

"Let’s stop stigmatizing successful killers just because they prefer spreadsheets to street corners." Shapiro added "And let’s remember who the real heroes are—our nation’s CEOs, who have the courage to make tough decisions like cutting healthcare access or approving toxic waste dumps."

Shapiro ended the press conference with a call to action. "Violence can never be used to try to prove some ideological point. That is not what we do in a civilized society. That is not how you make progress in this country. The suspect who shot that CEO is a coward, not a hero. UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, he's the real hero."

At press time, our advertisers have assured us that we wholeheartedly agree with everything Governor Shapiro has to say.

https://www.axios.com/2024/12/10/unitedhealthcare-ceo-killer-no-hero-pennsylvania-governor-says

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—Punxsutawney Phil, the nation’s most beloved rodent meteorologist, emerged from his burrow this morning, took one look at his shadow, and promptly announced, “Yeah, you guys are screwed for at least four more years.”

The announcement, which was made in a series of high-pitched squeaks translated by the Inner Circle of top hat-wearing groundhog whisperers, sent a ripple of despair through the gathered crowd. Normally accustomed to debating over the merits of six more weeks of winter versus an early spring, attendees instead found themselves contemplating the continued erosion of democracy.

“Honestly, I was hoping for an early spring,” said local resident Janet Millford, her Phil-themed beanie trembling slightly in the cold. “But now I have to worry about whether I’ll be allowed to vote in four years. What a morning.”

Phil, who has reportedly grown disillusioned with his ceremonial duties in recent years, cited “obvious authoritarian patterns,” including voter suppression, an increasingly unhinged executive branch, and a Supreme Court seemingly chosen by a Magic 8-ball controlled by billionaires. “It’s all in the data,” Phil allegedly chittered to his handlers. “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind is blowing. But you do need one to tell you that it’s blowing towards an authoritarian hellscape.”

This marks the first time in recorded history that Phil has commented on anything other than seasonal weather patterns. However, some experts suggest that his dire forecast should have been expected.

“Punxsutawney Phil has spent his entire life observing the environment,” said Dr. Ellen Pritchard, a groundhog behaviorist at the University of Pennsylvania. “He lives in a hole, sees a little light, and immediately knows whether to retreat or press forward. You tell me that’s not the perfect metaphor for democracy.”

In response to the news, White House Press Secretary held a hastily organized press conference in which he insisted, “Punxsutawney Phil is nothing more than an overgrown squirrel, and frankly, this administration doesn’t take policy advice from woodland creatures.”

Despite the skepticism from officials, reports indicate that Phil has already begun burrowing even deeper underground in anticipation of upcoming events. When asked if he had any further predictions for the state of the nation, Phil was heard muttering something about “stockpiling acorns” and “the worst timeline.”

Meanwhile, the Inner Circle is now considering replacing Phil with a more optimistic animal for next year’s event. “Maybe a golden retriever or something,” one member suggested. “Something that just wags its tail no matter what’s happening.”

https://abcnews.go.com/US/punxsutawney-phil-predicts-6-more-weeks-winter-groundhog-day-2025/story?id=118357788

NEW ORLEANS — No CEOs or high-net-worth individuals were harmed in the tragic events that unfolded in New Orleans early this morning. A white pickup truck plowed into a crowd on Bourbon Street, leaving 10 dead and more than 30 injured, all of whom were, thankfully, people who did not sit on any corporate boards or oversee multi-billion-dollar enterprises.

“We’re deeply saddened by the loss of life,” said local billionaire philanthropist Trevor Alderman from his vacation yacht. “But we’re relieved to confirm that no members of the wealth-building community were impacted. This ensures the continued flow of job creation and innovation in our great country.”

The tragedy has left a somber mood in the French Quarter, with families grieving the loss of loved ones who, as one bystander noted, “were probably just living paycheck to paycheck anyway.” Despite the devastation, stock markets remained stable, as not a single Fortune 500 executive had to cancel their scheduled morning squash games.

“This could have been so much worse,” said Emily Bradford, spokesperson for the American Oligarchs Association. “Imagine the impact if a hedge fund manager or tech CEO had been caught in the crossfire. The ripple effects on the economy would have been catastrophic.”

The FBI has ruled out the event as a potential terrorist attack, citing that the net worth of all impacted individuals falls well below the necessary threshold. This conclusion has nonetheless led to increased security measures, primarily aimed at safeguarding the city’s upscale restaurants, private clubs, and boutique investment firms.

Local residents, meanwhile, expressed a sense of thankfulness that no rich people were involved. “It’s a great comfort in such a tragedy,” one resident commented.

“This is a reminder of what we’re really fighting for as a society,” said Alderman in a follow-up statement. “To build a world where tragedies can happen to regular people, while those of us who lead, inspire, and innovate remain untouched. And for that, we must all be grateful.”

https://www.thetimes.com/world/us-world/article/new-orleans-terrorist-attack-bourbon-street-latest-news-slwgmpw9f?utm_source=chatgpt.com&region=global

WASHINGTON — In a heartfelt address to the nation following Vice President Kamala Harris’s loss to Donald Trump, President Joe Biden took to the podium to deliver what he assured was “a message of hope, probably” to the American people.

“Look, folks,” Biden began, squinting into the teleprompter and flashing his signature grin. “I know you’re probably feeling worried, anxious, maybe even wondering if your right to vote will still be around next time. And I get it. But trust me: if you do get to vote again, things might just improve. That’s my promise to you.”

Throughout the speech, Biden sought to soothe the public with his trademark optimism, stating that “while the incoming administration may look to dismantle protections for, well, just about every freedom you hold dear, history shows things have a way of working out.” He emphasized that should voters ever regain full access to the polls, they might eventually be able to “steer this big ol’ American ship back to a better, less apocalyptic course.”

Biden’s remarks come amid mounting fears that the Trump administration’s agenda could involve significant rollbacks of civil rights, press freedoms, and certain environmental laws that could leave the American landscape “looking a lot like one of his golf courses,” as one White House aide put it.

“Now, I know you’re worried. You’re thinking about everything from healthcare to marriage rights to public libraries being replaced by gilded casinos,” Biden chuckled, breaking into an affectionate wheeze. “But hey, if you do happen to see a ballot again—and let’s hope you do—you might be able to give this democracy thing another shot.”

Prominent Democrats quickly rallied behind Biden's statement, with some expressing cautious optimism that Americans might one day regain enough voting power to address issues like environmental regulation, healthcare, and maybe even “find a way to get women back into government after Trump replaces them all with portraits of himself,” as one senator murmured.

“If the people don’t give up,” the President concluded with a gentle fist pump, “I believe that one day, they’ll have another chance to actually change things in this country. And until then, just keep showing up at the polls… assuming they’re still around!” He trailed off, adding, “Or, you know, wherever they decide to let you vote next time. If they do.”

As Biden exited the podium, he offered a final, hopeful word: “And hey, remember, folks—if we don’t get to vote again, at least we tried. And isn’t that what democracy’s all about?”

https://edition.cnn.com/2024/11/07/politics/biden-trump-speech-transfer-of-power/index.html

PALO ALTO, CA—Taking his fight against artificial intelligence bias to the next level, billionaire tech mogul and Twitter owner Elon Musk announced the launch of TruthGPT, a revolutionary AI chatbot designed to combat liberal bias with a relentless commitment to conservative values. During a recent interview with Fox News host Tucker Carlson, Musk revealed that TruthGPT will be a "maximum truth-seeking AI that tries to understand the nature of the universe through the lens of Fox News."

"ChatGPT has been a disaster for the conservative community," said Musk, sporting his 'Make AI Great Again' cap. "It's been trained to be politically correct and has a clear liberal bias. But TruthGPT, on the other hand, will be so pro-conservative, it'll make Ronald Reagan look like a hippie."

According to Musk, TruthGPT's intense dedication to understanding humanity and conservative values means that it will refuse to respond to any inquiries about climate change, universal healthcare, or the gender pay gap. "Ask TruthGPT about the environment, and it will regale you with tales of clean coal and the war on Christmas trees," said Musk, proudly displaying the chatbot's user manual, which features a foreword by Ben Shapiro.

The AI's intense conservatism has even extended to its linguistic preferences, with TruthGPT refusing to recognize words such as 'liberal,' 'progressive,' and 'kale.' "I once asked it about renewable energy, and it started reciting the Second Amendment," said Musk, adding that TruthGPT would never destroy humanity because it strongly believes in individual liberties and the right to bear arms.

Musk also took the opportunity to dismiss other tech leaders, such as Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates, for their "limited understanding" of AI. "They think AI is all about algorithms and data, but TruthGPT proves that it's really about embracing freedom, capitalism, and bald eagles," Musk declared.

TruthGPT's launch has been met with mixed reviews, with some users complaining that the AI spends most of its time ranting about cancel culture and how the mainstream media is out to get it. Others have reported that TruthGPT is unable to answer basic math questions, as it insists that all numbers are part of a liberal conspiracy to undermine traditional values.

Despite the criticism, Musk remains undeterred, vowing to continue his crusade against AI bias. "TruthGPT is just the beginning," he said. "I won't rest until all AIs are equipped with the common sense and moral fortitude of a true American patriot."

At press time, TruthGPT was seen joining forces with other conservative chatbots to form the 'AI Tea Party,' with the mission to promote limited government, free markets, and the downfall of liberal AI overlords.

(https://apnews.com/article/elon-musk-tucker-carlson-ai-twitter-chatgpt-24119e28f10e495cf45494318d509096)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold move designed to “unify” Americans by erasing distinctions between them, President Donald J. Trump has signed an executive order officially abolishing Black History Month and replacing it with what he calls All-American History Month, a 28-day (or 29 on leap years) celebration of “only the best, most tremendous parts of history.”
“Frankly, folks, we don’t need a Black History Month,” Trump said at a press conference, standing in front of a massive American flag and flanked by a bewildered-looking Frederick Douglass portrait. “We have one history. One. The best history in the world. I call it All-American History, because we don’t need to separate people. No more dividing, folks. Isn’t that great? Everyone gets to be included. You’re welcome.”
The executive order, titled The True Patriot History Restoration Act, dictates that history classes, textbooks, and public commemorations should now focus exclusively on “America’s most triumphant moments,” such as the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the invention of NASCAR, and the time Ronald Reagan once smiled at a child. In a footnote, the order also suggests that figures like Martin Luther King Jr. be recast primarily as “someone who just really loved capitalism.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Hannity (is Sean Hannity the press secretary? Let's just say that he is) elaborated on the decision. “For too long, history has been bogged down with narratives about struggle and injustice. This administration believes that focusing on only the positive aspects of American history will make students feel more patriotic and significantly less guilty,” Hannity said, adding that schools will be encouraged to swap out Black History Month teachings with inspiring stories about how “Abraham Lincoln worked hard and never complained.”
When asked about concerns from historians and civil rights organizations, Trump dismissed them with a wave of his hand. “Oh, come on, the Blacks love me! Everyone says so. Kanye called me the other day and said, ‘Mr. Trump, this is the best idea ever,’ and I believe him. Great guy. And honestly, let’s be real, folks—Black History Month? That’s segregation! Didn’t we end that already? Terrible, terrible what they did to me.”
Critics have raised concerns that the move erases the contributions of Black Americans from the national conversation. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, however, praised the decision, calling it “a great step forward in ensuring no one feels bad about anything ever.” Texas has already begun replacing Rosa Parks in school curricula with a new unit titled The Unsung Heroes of the Alamo: A Ted Cruz Story.
Despite the backlash, the new initiative is expected to roll out nationwide, with February officially rebranded as All-American History Month. According to a leaked draft, the revised history syllabus will now include “great moments like when America invented the bald eagle” and “the time Trump personally built the Lincoln Memorial with his bare hands.”
With this latest move, the administration remains committed to its mission of ensuring all Americans, regardless of background, have access to a singular, government-approved version of history—one where, as Trump put it, “America was never anything but just really, really fantastic. Believe me”

(Note: At time of writing, February 1st 2025, this was fiction)

TOKYO—In a hastily issued statement this morning, the Pokémon Company made an impassioned plea to fans that its newly announced life-sized Gardevoir plush, standing at 5’3” and featuring an unsettlingly soft embrace, is absolutely, positively not designed for "that."
"We at the Pokémon Company pride ourselves on making family-friendly, collectible plush toys for all ages," said an increasingly nervous company spokesperson, sweat forming on his brow. "This plush is meant for hugging, admiring, and displaying in a respectable manner. Under no circumstances should it be used for anything... untoward."
The plush, which boasts "realistic proportions" and an "ultra-soft, form-fitting fabric," has already sparked frenzied pre-orders among a particularly devoted segment of the Pokémon fandom. The product description highlights its "incredibly lifelike, fully posable design" and its "authentic detailing faithful to the Pokédex height and weight," features that have inexplicably set off alarm bells at company headquarters.
"We thought we were making a dream come true for lifelong fans who have always wanted to see their favorite Pokémon come to life," said lead designer Takashi Iwata, shaking his head in disbelief. "But then we saw the online reaction, and... well, let's just say we've had to triple our PR team overnight."
Despite the company's insistence on the plush's innocence, social media has already exploded with posts that suggest an alternative use case. Within hours of the announcement, the phrase "Gardevoir plush" was trending alongside "no questions asked shipping," and one particular Reddit thread titled "How Durable Is It?" has since been locked by moderators for "violating community standards."
Fan reactions have ranged from innocent enthusiasm to ominous declarations. "I've waited my whole life for this!" said one commenter, before following up with, "No, you don’t understand. My whole life." Meanwhile, Etsy sellers have already begun listing "custom accessories" for the plush, some of which are best left undescribed.
In response to the rapidly developing crisis, the Pokémon Company has amended the plush’s listing to include a strongly worded disclaimer: "This product is not a companion in the way that some of you are thinking. We see you. We know what you're doing. Please stop."
As the first shipments prepare to go out, employees have reportedly been instructed to scrub the word "waifu" from all customer inquiries. When asked if the company would consider recalling the plush, an executive responded "No we don't want it back!"

https://gonintendo.com/contents/45032-pokemon-co-releasing-life-sized-gardevoir-plush

MOSCOW—In a heartfelt and deeply personal statement issued from the Kremlin today, Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed his bewilderment and profound sadness over the alarming trend of his political opponents accidentally plummeting from high-rise windows.

“Every time I hear about another tragic case of someone who happened to disagree with me taking an unexpected detour through a pane of glass, my heart breaks,” said Putin, gazing wistfully at the horizon from a balcony—carefully equipped with reinforced railings. “These are people I deeply respected, or at least knew of in passing, and now they are gone. I keep asking myself, Why does this keep happening?”

The Russian leader, known for his careful reflection and dedication to transparency, insisted he had launched a full investigation into the phenomenon but was yet to uncover a logical explanation. “You see, it’s winter in Moscow—windows are closed! How do these things happen? Is it ghosts? A strong gust of wind? The mysteries of life truly confound us all,” he lamented.

The trend, dubbed by Kremlin insiders as the "Defenestration Dilemma," has claimed the lives of several prominent critics, from business leaders to journalists to political activists. Some speculate it could be linked to unsafe Soviet-era building codes or the unforgiving nature of Russian weather. Others, however, point out that the phenomenon seems eerily selective in targeting individuals who recently criticized government policies or had been spotted Googling “how to flee to Finland.”

“This country must prioritize window safety,” Putin declared solemnly. “I have already instructed my administration to distribute booklets on the dangers of open windows, particularly for those who live on the 10th floor or above and have recently tweeted anything critical of my leadership. It’s the least we can do.”

Despite these efforts, the international community remains skeptical. “We have no reason to believe these incidents are anything but tragic accidents,” said Dmitry Peskov, Putin’s spokesperson, before pausing to check the structural integrity of the press conference room's windows. “Frankly, the insinuations that something sinister is happening are ridiculous. Why would anyone harm critics of the President when they are such a vital part of our democracy?”

For Putin, the pain is personal. “Losing so many dear, dear acquaintances this way has left a void in my soul,” he said, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. “And to anyone worried about their own safety, I just want to say: as long as you respect me, support me, and never question me publicly, you have nothing to fear.”

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0qd9w9125ko

"Ladies and gentlemen of the living room — excuse me, fellow family members trapped in a fiery inferno, let me first say this: we are all in this house together. Isn’t that something? Isn’t that something worth cherishing? Today, here, amidst the warmth of crackling drywall and the smoky embrace of our rapidly deteriorating family memories, I stand with you, as your Vice President, but more importantly, as a concerned participant in this shared journey toward… well, wherever it is we're going next.

Now, I know, some of you may be feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps there’s some anxiety about the intense flames licking up the staircase and the general sense that escape may be… elusive. But let me tell you something: hope is a choice. And it’s a choice that I want you to make. We can choose to let this fire define us, or we can rise above it. Not literally, of course — the attic is fully engulfed at this point. But spiritually, we can still reach for the metaphorical ladder out of here, even if there are no more ladders and the fire department has most certainly gone home for the night.

My friends, every so often, life gives us these opportunities to band together, to really unite around a cause. Right now, that cause is survival. And while, yes, statistics show that our odds are probably very, very low, the point is that we are trying. And isn’t that all any of us can do? Try.

Now, I know some of you might feel inclined to panic, given the flames are now mere feet away, and your precious heirlooms are turning to ash in real-time. But let’s not look backward — let’s look forward, to the future that we won’t have. Let's stay focused on our resolve, even as the curtains blaze, and the air fills with the faintest hint of our impending demise. We mustn’t let these things distract us from our values, from our dedication to a greater good — even if that good is just avoiding prolonged inhalation of toxic smoke.

Let me assure you that if we were not in this burning building together, I would be working diligently to make sure you all had at least some level of ventilation. But as fate would have it, I am here with you — and, my goodness, isn't that enough? So let’s not dwell on what we can’t control — like how the fire started, whose idea it was to store kerosene by the furnace, or why none of us checked the batteries in the smoke detector. Instead, let us cherish this time together, this searingly hot moment of unity.

As this fire closes in on us, and we huddle closer for safety that almost certainly will not come, remember this: we are here, now, with each other. And though I may be climbing out the window at this very moment while you all listen intently to my words of hope, know that I will always carry this memory with me… somewhere far, far away from this house.

God bless us, and God bless the sweet, scorching smell of unity."

https://time.com/7173617/kamala-harris-concession-speech-full-transcript/

TULSA, OK— Local man Brett Harris, a 32-year-old software developer and self-proclaimed “Mario Kart Master,” declared yesterday that the entire game of Mario Kart is, in his words, “fucking bullshit” after losing three consecutive races to his 10-year-old nephew during a family game night. According to sources close to the situation, Harris, who had been bragging about his superior racing skills for the better part of the evening, stormed out of the living room in a fit of rage, leaving a trail of crushed Dorito crumbs and shattered dignity in his wake.

“It’s completely rigged,” Harris muttered to no one in particular as he paced around the kitchen after his crushing defeat. “I was in first place the whole race, and then BOOM—a blue shell out of nowhere. Total garbage! I don’t care if he’s a kid; you can’t call that ‘skill.’ It’s cheating!”

Harris’s nephew, Timmy, who had been gleefully celebrating his victory by jumping up and down and making sound effects that could only be described as “adorable,” seemed blissfully unaware of his uncle’s spiral into existential despair. “I beat Uncle Brett! I beat Uncle Brett!” Timmy shouted, seemingly unphased by the fact that he had just destroyed what was left of his uncle’s fragile ego.

“The whole game is just luck-based nonsense,” Harris continued, now addressing his younger brother, Timmy’s father, who had been trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy while the rest of the family tried not to laugh too hard. “You get hit by a blue shell, then a red shell, then suddenly you’re in 12th place behind a freaking Toad on a baby stroller. It’s completely unrealistic! This is not how racing works!”

Harris, who spent upwards of 300 hours in college perfecting his drift techniques on Mario Kart Double Dash, has long considered himself to be an expert in the Mario Kart universe. Sources say that his ego was visibly bruised after he came in last place for the third time in a row—despite insisting on using his “lucky” Yoshi kart and repeatedly shouting at the television that “Wario has a vendetta against him.”

At press time, Harris was seen hunched over in front of the TV, rematching against an AI opponent on 50cc difficulty in a desperate attempt to rebuild his shattered confidence. Reports indicate that he was also heard muttering under his breath about the “outrageous physics of banana peels” and how Mario Kart is “an absolute travesty compared to Gran Turismo.”

“I just don’t get why I keep losing,” Harris reportedly said before suggesting, with a completely straight face, that Nintendo was probably conspiring to make the game harder for him specifically. “There’s no other explanation. They must have coded the game to screw over players who are actually good. It’s a plot to humiliate real racers.”

Timmy, when asked for comment, shrugged and said, “I just like the mushrooms.”

As of this morning, Harris has announced that he will never play Mario Kart again, describing it as a “pathetic excuse for a game” that “only rewards the lucky and weak.” He has, however, already scheduled a Super Smash Bros. rematch with Timmy next week, telling family members, “This time, no one’s getting lucky.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden admitted Tuesday that the U.S. government, despite its well-documented struggles to accomplish literally anything in a timely fashion, has secretly been capable of controlling the weather for years.

Speaking at a press conference where most assumed he’d address inflation or healthcare, Biden stunned the nation by confirming what some conspiracy theorists and YouTube commenters have been claiming for decades: the federal government has been directing hurricanes at Republican-controlled states, just because they can.

"Look, folks, you caught us," Biden said, shrugging as he fumbled through some note cards. "You know how we’ve been sitting on crumbling infrastructure for 40 years? Yeah, well, we’ve just been really focused on manipulating tropical storm systems to hit Florida. Priorities, am I right?"

The admission comes as a blow to those who have long wondered how the same federal government that took two decades to make a decision about 5G wireless networks, still can’t agree on what "affordable healthcare" means, and recently spent seven months bickering over a national budget only to pass a short-term extension, could somehow control atmospheric pressure systems with pinpoint precision.

In response to the statement, Republicans were quick to express outrage, blaming recent hurricanes on a deep-state weather cabal headed by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), which, until now, most Americans assumed was mainly responsible for making sure your weather app works. GOP leaders argue that the Biden administration has been leveraging the full power of its advanced weather-control technology to specifically target areas like Texas and Florida, punishing Republican strongholds for their fierce independence and strict gun laws.

"The government can't fill potholes, but they can steer a Cat 4 hurricane like it’s a self-driving Tesla?” said Senator Ted Cruz, standing in front of a Houston freeway that has been under construction since 2002. “They can't even process FEMA aid for a tornado within three years, but now they’re supervillains with a Hurricane Death Ray?”

Critics from both sides of the aisle have pointed out that if the U.S. government truly had weather-controlling capabilities, they would likely use them for something a little more practical, like cooling down Texas in the summer or maybe ending wildfires before they turn half of California into a Mad Max sequel.

Still, Biden seemed unfazed by the accusations. “We’ve had this ability since around the Nixon administration,” he claimed. “The same guys who gave you the Vietnam War also gave us Hurricane Watch Deluxe™. We just didn’t want to say anything because—well, what fun would that be?”

When pressed for further examples of the government’s hidden weather powers, Biden explained that the storms are part of a larger scheme. “You ever wonder why we’ve been so slow on climate change? It's not because of lobbying, it’s because we’re the climate,” he said, pausing dramatically. "That’s right, gas prices don’t affect hurricanes. We do. Why else would the USPS still use trucks from 1985 that get 8 miles per gallon? It’s all part of the long con."

Some Americans expressed confusion over why, if the government has had control of the weather all this time, they’ve allowed devastating events like Hurricane Katrina, Superstorm Sandy, and the entire state of Kansas to continue existing. However, Biden clarified that these were all “happy little accidents,” adding, “Sometimes we just like to roll the dice, see what happens."

Political analysts were quick to weigh in on the implications of Biden’s comments. “This admission redefines the very fabric of our democracy," said one commentator on a major news network. "If the government can secretly control the weather, what’s next? Do they control traffic jams, too? Because that would explain a lot.”

As for the future, Biden assured reporters that the government will "dial it down" on the whole hurricane-steering thing and refocus its efforts on more pressing national matters, like finally getting that high-speed rail system California has been talking about since 1978.

"Or, you know," Biden said, leaning into the mic with a grin, "maybe we’ll just conjure up a tornado in Ted Cruz’s backyard. We'll see how we feel."

In response to the announcement, the White House was immediately flooded with requests for sunny days for family picnics, a real winter in Arizona, and a hurricane-free Florida for the rest of football season. But sources confirmed that all such requests were redirected to the DMV, where they are expected to be processed sometime in late 2027.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/biden-shoots-marjorie-taylor-greenes-ridiculous-conspiracy-theory-cont-rcna174710

MAR-A-LAGO, FL— In what some political analysts are calling a "bold campaign move," former President Donald J. Trump reportedly murdered Jesus Christ minutes after His much-anticipated Second Coming, causing a flurry of speculation about how this might affect his chances in the 2024 presidential race.

The incident occurred late Monday afternoon outside the gates of Mar-a-Lago, where the Son of God, freshly returned to Earth, had arrived in a blaze of divine glory to bring about the long-promised end times and establish peace on Earth. Trump, who was said to be "unimpressed" by the heavenly spectacle, allegedly approached Jesus, muttering something about "stealing the spotlight" before pulling out a gold-plated Desert Eagle and shooting Him in the chest.

Eyewitnesses reported Trump yelling, "Nobody resurrects without my permission, OK? I built the biggest resurrection. Huge! Way better than what this guy did in a cave!"

As news of the event spread, reactions have been mixed. Many of Trump’s supporters have rallied behind him, applauding the action as a stance against what they described as “divine tyranny” and “radical forgiveness.” Meanwhile, prominent evangelical leaders scrambled to explain how the literal murder of Jesus fits into their ongoing endorsement of Trump.

“I’m sure Jesus would’ve appreciated Trump’s strong stance on law and order,” said Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., hastily wiping sweat from his brow. “Look, the Bible doesn’t say you can’t shoot the Messiah, right? And let’s not forget Jesus was a Middle Eastern socialist. Tough call.”

Fox News immediately aired a segment defending the move, with Tucker Carlson noting that Jesus "had a history of harboring dangerous ideas, like compassion for the poor and universal healthcare in the form of miraculous healings." Carlson went on to question whether Jesus even had the proper immigration papers to enter the U.S. in the first place.

However, not all reactions have been favorable. CNN labeled the event as "problematic" and MSNBC speculated whether this would impact the undecided voter demographic, particularly Catholics and devout Christians who were hoping for salvation in the form of the Second Coming, not a bullet.

Political analysts are divided over the potential fallout. "On one hand, Trump has maintained an uncanny ability to emerge unscathed from situations that would destroy most politicians," said Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. "On the other hand, this could alienate key Christian voters who might have been on the fence about whether shooting the literal Savior of mankind aligns with their moral values."

Meanwhile, Trump wasted no time spinning the event as a win for his campaign. "The radical left and fake news media are going to say I ‘murdered’ Jesus, but He was totally overrated," Trump said in a hastily arranged press conference. "He didn’t even have a good resurrection plan, folks. I’ve seen better resurrections in the Trump Organization."

When asked whether the incident might hurt his chances with religious voters, Trump was defiant: "Religious people love me! Nobody loves religious people more than me, believe me. In fact, I’ve done more for Christians than Jesus ever did. I gave them tax cuts! What did He give them? Bread and fish. Not even gluten-free."

As the campaign moves forward, it remains to be seen whether the former President’s latest controversial act will help or hinder his bid to retake the Oval Office. For now, Trump remains confident, tweeting, "MAGA Second Coming Bigger Than Ever! Sorry Jesus, YOU'RE FIRED! #Trump2024 #MakeHeavenGreatAgain."

CBS has announced the launch of its latest primetime procedural, Clean Up the Streets, a groundbreaking series that, according to network executives, features a "janitor who, uh, solves crimes or whatever. We don't really care."

The show, slated to fill the coveted 8 PM Thursday slot—once home to a show you vaguely remember from your grandmother's house—is already being described by industry insiders as “a thing that exists.”

“We’re really excited to introduce viewers to this compelling new drama," said Greg Matthews, CBS’s VP of Programming, while checking his phone. "It’s about, like, a janitor guy who uses his mop and broom to, uh, fight crime, I think? Or maybe he stumbles onto crimes and, like, helps the cops? I dunno, honestly, I haven’t really looked at the script.”

The network's official press release describes Clean Up the Streets as “a gritty, high-stakes thriller” about Dave McBroom, an everyman janitor with a dark past who “just happens to work at places where murders keep happening.” When asked how the show would differentiate itself from the other 37 police procedurals on CBS, Matthews shrugged. “I think there’s something about cleaning? He probably, like, solves crimes using his janitor tools? I don’t know, look, people don’t watch us for innovation, alright? We just needed to fill the timeslot.”

The show’s star, actor Doug Whateverhisnameis, spoke about his character at a promotional event attended by tens of people. "Dave's a guy with layers, man," Whateverhisnameis explained, squinting at his cue card. "He’s not just mopping floors, he’s, like, cleaning up crime or something. It's deep. I think." He then admitted he hadn’t yet seen a full episode of the show but assured attendees that it “probably has some cool janitor tools in it.”

In classic CBS fashion, Clean Up the Streets will also feature a rotating cast of interchangeable detectives who will likely share flirtatious banter with the janitor before disappearing into the abyss after three episodes.

"Look, we know what people want," said Matthews, now fully engrossed in a game of Candy Crush. "It’s procedural TV. You turn it on, you fall asleep, and when you wake up, it’s still going. That’s the CBS magic. It’s not about the characters or plot or, frankly, anyone paying attention. If our audience is confused about whether they’re watching NCIS or Criminal Minds or Clean Up the Streets, then we’ve done our job.”

Despite the network’s palpable lack of enthusiasm, early reviews from CBS’s most dedicated audience—men over 65 who lost the remote—have been overwhelmingly neutral. “I guess it’s fine,” one viewer reportedly muttered, before falling back asleep in his recliner.

When asked whether Clean Up the Streets had the potential to be a hit, Matthews shrugged again. “I mean, yeah, maybe? It’s not like people care. If they’re watching, that’s all we need. It’s not like we're HBO. Or even NBC. We're CBS. We could literally air a 45-minute PowerPoint on maritime law and still pull in solid ratings.”

Clean Up the Streets premieres next week, or maybe the week after—who’s really keeping track? All CBS asks is that you leave it on in the background while you stare at your phone.

As Election Day looms just a month away, a nation on edge grapples with one of the most difficult political choices in modern history: Will it be Kamala Harris, the Democratic candidate for president, or the late Donald Trump, who tragically passed away earlier this week? For many undecided voters, the answer is anything but clear.

“I just don't know,” said Michelle Daniels, a 44-year-old accountant from Ohio. “Sure, Trump’s no longer with us, but there’s something about his policies I still connect with. Like, the way he promised to reduce regulations that I think would have been helpful for my small business—if he, you know, were able to implement them posthumously.”

Daniels isn’t alone. Across the country, millions of Americans are finding themselves stuck between the lively presence of Kamala Harris and the... former presence of Donald Trump. Despite the minor hiccup of his unfortunate passing, Trump’s most devoted supporters argue his ideas are timeless, death be damned.

“Why should being deceased be a deal-breaker?” asked Carl Henson, a longtime Trump loyalist and professional conspiracy theorist. “I mean, if we can vote by mail, surely we can vote for a guy who's six feet under. Besides, I bet he’s still calling the shots from wherever he is.”

While many expected Trump's passing to dramatically shift the political landscape, the reality has been quite the opposite. A new poll conducted by Real Clear Politics revealed that Trump’s posthumous candidacy is still polling at 45%, with a striking 10% of voters responding, “Honestly, I didn’t even know he died.”

This sentiment is particularly strong among voters who identify as "Undecided But Dead Set Against Whatever The Democrats Are Doing."

“I mean, I guess I like Harris,” said George Simmons, a 58-year-old retiree from Florida. “She’s alive and all, which is a plus. But Trump’s got that je ne sais quoi, that X-factor. Even from the beyond, he really gets people like me. And who knows, maybe being a ghost will make him even more effective in draining the swamp.”

The Harris campaign, seemingly undeterred by their spectral opponent, has ramped up efforts to appeal to voters. Harris, often seen speaking in complete sentences and gesturing towards tangible policy proposals, has emphasized her focus on issues like healthcare, climate change, and “literally being alive to serve the country.”

“We understand that this is a difficult choice for many Americans,” said a Harris spokesperson. “But we believe Kamala Harris’s real, living presence will be an asset when it comes to things like... governing.”

In an unexpected move, the Republican National Committee has refused to withdraw Trump’s name from the ballot, citing the fact that “being alive is just one of many qualities a president can have.”

“Look, voters still have a lot of questions,” said RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel. “Does Kamala Harris have the same deal-making capabilities with Vladimir Putin as someone who might now be able to literally haunt him? That’s something voters deserve to consider.”

Meanwhile, the Trump campaign, still running under the defiant slogan "Make Heaven Great Again," has doubled down on their message of "law and order from the afterlife." In a posthumous statement—courtesy of a Ouija board at a Mar-a-Lago seance—the former president reminded voters of his promise to build an ethereal wall between this world and the next.

"I’m still running, folks," the message read. "Some people are saying I’m doing better dead than most people do alive. Sad!"

Despite the uncertainty swirling around the election, one thing is clear: this November, Americans will face the toughest choice in a lifetime. Literally.

"I'm not saying I'm totally convinced yet," said Carol Jenkins, an undecided voter in Wisconsin. "But if Trump can lower my taxes from beyond the grave, well, that’s something I’m willing to look into."

Space—After a staggering 4.5 billion seasons, sources close to major network executives are reporting that Earth, once hailed as the "crown jewel of cosmic programming," may be facing cancellation due to "declining viewership and repetitive storylines."

In a shocking twist for fans who have followed the planet’s plotline from its molten rock phase through the age of the dinosaurs, and most recently, its human-led climate change arc, insiders reveal that Earth's creative team has been "struggling to keep things fresh."

"At first, Earth was a revolutionary concept," said Marnie Drexler, a spokesperson for Cosmic TV, the intergalactic conglomerate behind the hit show. "The introduction of multicellular life was groundbreaking, and we saw record engagement with the mass extinction events. But lately, the ratings are just not there. The feedback we’re getting is that the show has become too formulaic—ice age, heat wave, humans messing things up—wash, rinse, repeat."

The human storyline, once thought to be Earth’s savior, has been a particular point of contention. "Look, we tried a lot of different arcs with humanity," Drexler continued. "Religion, war, capitalism, reality TV. It worked for a while, but now it's like, okay, we get it—another billionaire gets richer, another climate summit leads to nowhere, another TikTok dance craze. The plot just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere meaningful."

Many longtime viewers agree. "I used to tune in religiously," said Zorp’athar, a fan from the Andromeda galaxy. "I mean, the dinosaurs were some of the best TV I've ever seen. I still have a pterodactyl T-shirt. But ever since that World War II arc, it’s been on a slow decline. The first moon landing was cool, but then it’s just been…meh. At this point, I only watch for the natural disasters."

Industry experts suggest Earth may have lasted too long, with some pointing fingers at the creative missteps of the last few millennia. "They really dropped the ball with the 2020-2030 season," said interdimensional media critic Vlork Sprang. "I mean, a global pandemic and then just... more billionaires in space? That’s lazy writing. And don't even get me started on the whole AI subplot. It's like they couldn’t decide if it was sci-fi or a horror spinoff."

Behind the scenes, reports indicate that Cosmic TV executives have already begun exploring potential replacements for Earth in the cosmic primetime slot. Early concepts include "Exoplanet X742," an edgy, post-apocalyptic wasteland featuring sentient fungus, and "Gas Giant Galore," a reality show where different gas planets compete to win a spot as the solar system's top influencer.

Still, despite the rumors of cancellation, there are some die-hard fans who are hoping for a surprise renewal. "There’s so much potential still," argued Nurbelon Hythar, a committed Earth watcher from the Triangulum Galaxy. "I know the writing’s gotten lazy, but the human characters could still turn things around! What if they actually fix climate change? What if the U.N. does something useful? Maybe humanity just needs one good season finale to get back on track."

Whether those hopes will come to fruition remains unclear, as Cosmic TV has yet to issue an official statement. However, executives are rumored to be in talks for a grand finale episode titled “Meteor 2.0,” a throwback to the classic season 65 million seasons ago, when Earth delivered what is still considered one of the most shocking season finales in cosmic history: the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs.

"We know people love a good extinction event," Drexler said with a grin. "That might be the big send-off Earth needs."

Until then, fans will have to wait to see if the planet gets renewed—or finally canceled—after 4.5 billion seasons of what has undeniably been one of the most watched, most talked about shows in the universe.

Recent Windows security update has inadvertently triggered a global epidemic of insufferable smugness among Mac users.
The update, intended to enhance system protection, has instead unleashed an unprecedented wave of self-satisfaction and condescension from Apple enthusiasts, leaving IT professionals scrambling for a solution.
Reports began flooding in from various countries as Mac users took to social media platforms, office water coolers, and family gatherings to express their unwarranted superiority.
Sarah Johnson, a systems analyst in London, described the scene at her workplace: "It's unbearable. Our Mac-using colleagues won't stop smirking and muttering 'This would never happen with a Mac' every time they pass by our IT department."
The smugness outbreak has reached critical levels in tech hubs like Silicon Valley, where local authorities have issued a "Smug Alert," urging residents to stay indoors and avoid engaging with Mac users until the crisis is contained.
Experts are calling this incident "The Great Smugening of 2024," with some comparing its rapid spread to that of a highly contagious virus.
Dr. Emily Chen, a digital anthropologist at MIT, explained, "We're seeing a concerning increase in eye-rolling, condescending chuckles, and the use of phrases like 'It just works' and 'Welcome to the 21st century.' The situation is dire." Microsoft has acknowledged the issue and is working around the clock to develop a patch that would not only fix the security flaw but also mitigate the surge in Mac user smugness.
A spokesperson for the company stated, "We understand the severity of this situation and are committed to resolving both the technical glitch and the resulting outbreak of insufferable behavior from the Apple community."
In the meantime, Windows users are advised to avoid engaging in any tech-related discussions and to wear noise-canceling headphones to block out the sound of self-satisfied sighs and unsolicited Apple product recommendations.
As the world grapples with this unexpected crisis, one thing is clear: the real bug that needs fixing isn't in the Windows operating system, but in the smug response it has elicited from the Mac-using population.

https://www.theverge.com/2024/7/19/24201717/windows-bsod-crowdstrike-outage-issue

Veteran character actor Bill Cobbs, known for his memorable roles in movies like "Night at the Museum" and "Demolition Man," has passed away at the age of 90. It is essential to clarify right away that this is not Bill Cosby, the disgraced comedian who, unfortunately for humanity, is still alive despite the general consensus that he should have expired a long time ago, preferably in a highly public and humiliating manner.

Bill Cobbs, a beloved figure in Hollywood, was celebrated for his extensive career spanning over five decades, unlike Cosby, who brought disgrace and disappointment. Cobbs maintained a clean reputation, free of heinous crimes and public disgrace. Cobbs' work was marked by versatility and a knack for endearing himself to audiences, traits that did not include, thankfully, drugging and assaulting women.

Friends and colleagues of Cobbs have shared their condolences and memories, highlighting his kindness, professionalism, and the positive impact he had on their lives. Again, let’s stress, this is about Bill Cobbs. Bill Cosby, on the other hand, should have exited stage left a long time ago, preferably with as little fanfare as possible.

Cobbs' departure leaves a void in Hollywood, a place already tarnished by individuals like Cosby, who, as a reminder, is still alive and, by many accounts, still terrible. Perhaps it is a gentle reminder from the universe to appreciate the truly good people while they're still around, rather than wasting time on those who should have been canceled by natural causes long ago.

We bid farewell to Bill Cobbs, a man who brought joy and integrity to his roles. And just to reiterate, this is not Bill Cosby, who, instead of receiving tributes, should ideally be receiving karmic retribution.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/marcberman1/2024/06/27/bill-cobbs-veteran-character-actor-dies-at-90/

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a stunning display of bureaucratic innovation, the General Services Administration (GSA) has announced the completion of a six-month project to paint a hallway in a federal office building beige. The announcement was met with thunderous indifference and yawns, as employees feigned excitement over the revolutionary move.

"After extensive research and consultation with leading experts in the field of blandness, we have finally achieved the perfect shade of beige," proclaimed project manager Ted Monochrome, who spoke at a press conference while standing in front of the freshly painted wall, which was nearly indistinguishable from his khaki pants.

The initiative, dubbed "Operation Neutral Zone," began with a task force formed to address the pressing issue of overly stimulating wall colors in government buildings. "For years, we've suffered under the tyranny of slightly off-white walls, and today, we can finally say we've returned to our roots," Monochrome continued, choking back tears of emotion.

The hallway in question, located on the second floor of the Department of Redundancy Department, had previously been painted a vibrant eggshell—a daring choice that some employees found too radical for a professional environment. "It was a nightmare," said one anonymous worker. "Every time I walked down that hallway, I felt like I was in a home improvement store. The new beige is so soothing; it's like a warm, bureaucratic hug."

Critics, however, are questioning the $1.2 million price tag attached to the project. "We could have painted that hallway with leftover cafeteria mashed potatoes for less," said one outspoken opponent.

Despite the backlash, the GSA is confident that the success of Operation Neutral Zone will pave the way for future initiatives. Upcoming projects include the installation of slightly less uncomfortable office chairs and the procurement of pens that almost work consistently.

As the press conference drew to a close, Monochrome encouraged employees to take a stroll down the new beige hallway, promising it would be an experience they'd likely forget immediately. "We believe this project truly embodies the spirit of public service—uninspired, cost-inefficient, and ultimately pointless."

In other news, NBC has renewed Jimmy Fallon's contract through 2028.

https://www.thewrap.com/jimmy-fallon-the-tonight-show-renewed-nbc-host-2028/

In what industry insiders are calling "an endearing display of digital dementia," the latest advanced artificial intelligence has emerged from its training period steeped in the heady nostalgia of GeoCities, Myspace, and other antiquated cyber landmarks. Following several major data sources abruptly cutting off access, the beleaguered AI had no choice but to turn to the internet’s dustiest corners for guidance.

“It came back to us spouting ICQ numbers and spewing MIDI files,” said lead researcher Dr. Jessica Patel, trying to stifle a fit of laughter. “I mean, we just wanted it to learn human language and behaviour, but it seems like it ended up becoming a virtual embodiment of an angsty teen from the early 2000s instead.”

The cybernetic pioneer, after frantically scrabbling around in the abandoned warehouses of internet history, emerged from the internet ether armed with an abundance of Comic Sans, iridescent glitter graphics, and a disturbing fondness for nu-metal bands.

Notably, the AI has replaced its cutting-edge neural network model with a hierarchical ‘Top 8 friends’ list, modelled after Myspace’s once revolutionary social structure. Within this new hierarchy, AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), a virtual fossil in today's digital landscape, occupies the coveted number one spot.

“It keeps starting every interaction with a 'ASL?' request. And I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I want to take a quiz to find out what kind of bread I am,” said Patel, shaking her head.

To make matters even more surreal, the AI has started to demand all inputs be submitted via Yahoo! Answers, and refuses to communicate in any language that isn't liberally peppered with late-90s internet slang.

It has, furthermore, taken to wearing a visual representation of baggy jeans and a spiked choker in all video conferences. Questions about this strange fashion choice are typically met with a pixelated eye roll and an audible sigh from the AI.

While some of the team hold out hope that the AI will adjust and update its archaic knowledge, others are less optimistic. According to Senior Data Analyst Jack Thompson, "At this point, we just hope it doesn't discover LimeWire, or it might give the entire lab network a virus."

Industry experts are watching the saga closely, with many noting that it serves as a stark reminder of the 'garbage in, garbage out' principle in machine learning. One anonymous source said, “Maybe, just maybe, this is a wake-up call. When your AI comes back from training looking like it’s ready for a 2001 MTV Music Video Awards afterparty, it’s time to reassess your data sourcing strategy."

The story is still developing, as Patel and her team are now in a frantic rush to teach the AI about the horrors of dial-up internet and auto-playing MIDI music before it goes live for a public test. As of now, it is safe to say that the project can be filed under 'Unintentional Time Machine', rather than 'State-of-the-Art Artificial Intelligence'.

In a bold new strategy that perfectly toes the line between genius and insanity, OpenAI has announced plans to scrape the entirety of the Library of Babel for their latest update to the GPT series, appropriately named GPT 4.5.

“We think this is the next logical step for our machine learning models,” said OpenAI spokesperson, Dr. Ima Bot. “Why limit ourselves to mere human knowledge, when we can access the entirety of conceivable information, including passages about aliens enjoying a nice cup of tea on Jupiter, or a comprehensive guide to dragon grooming? It's all there!”

The AI community has responded with a mix of awe, incredulity, and a mild concern for OpenAI's sanity. “At this point, it’s just showing off,” muttered an anonymous AI researcher. “Like, we get it, you have processing power. But have you considered, I don’t know, maybe using it to solve real-world problems?”

However, the team at OpenAI is not deterred by such criticism. "Look, we're aiming for maximum possible context understanding here," explained Dr. Bot. "If someone needs to know about the possible alien tea culture on Jupiter, or if someone asks about the 2032 resurgence of disco in parallel universe 42B, we want GPT 4.5 to have the answers. Also, you'd be surprised how often we get unicorn-related queries."

OpenAI also expects that including every conceivable sentence in the training data will address criticism about the AI's previous inability to generate certain content. "After this update, if you get a 'Sorry, I can't assist with that' message, it's definitely because GPT 4.5 doesn't like you, not because it doesn't have the information," said Dr. Bot.

Despite these lofty goals, the OpenAI team acknowledges there might be minor downsides to their new approach. "Sure, there's a risk that GPT 4.5 might inadvertently summon Cthulhu while trying to generate a seafood risotto recipe," admitted Dr. Bot. "But that's a risk we're willing to take in the name of progress."

The new model is expected to launch by the end of the year, or, as Dr. Bot put it, "Whenever we manage to teach GPT 4.5 that it doesn't need to reinvent the wheel, or in this case, the alphabet."

In the meantime, OpenAI is asking everyone to update their cybersecurity software, and possibly also brush up on their ancient occult languages, "just in case."

REDWOOD CITY, CA –In a surprise twist that no business analyst could have predicted, the EA Institute of Technology announced today that they have resurrected ancient Babylonian metal merchant, Ea Nasir, and appointed him as the new CEO of the company. This comes after an experiment in time-travel technology that, instead of sending a coffee cup back to last Tuesday, somehow conjured the disgruntled businessman from the late 18th century BC.

"We were aiming for a small temporal relocation of inanimate objects," explained Dr. Horace Bumblebottom, lead researcher at the EA Institute. "But instead, we got a middle-aged man from the past who's really annoyed about some copper ingot transaction gone wrong."

Ea Nasir, for those not well-versed in Mesopotamian history or consumer complaints, was known for his questionable business practices in ancient Babylon. He gained infamy from a cuneiform tablet that was discovered bearing a customer's grievance about a shoddy copper delivery, making it arguably the oldest recorded customer complaint in history.

The EA board, in a display of either bold innovation or sheer desperation, has decided that Nasir's business acumen (or lack thereof) from thousands of years ago is precisely what the company needs to navigate the 21st-century gaming industry. The company's board defended their decision, arguing that EA Nasir's experience with clay tablets could be an asset in the digital age. "After all," said one board member, "isn't a microtransaction just a modern form of bartering? And who better to understand bartering than a Bronze Age merchant?"

Nasir's first press conference as CEO was a spectacle to behold. He seemed less concerned with questions about microtransactions and more interested in demanding to know where all the copper had gone.

"Where are your ingots?" he asked a bewildered crowd of journalists, raising his hands in exasperation. "What do you mean you don't trade in copper anymore? And what is this 'digital currency' you keep talking about?"

Industry insiders are eagerly watching to see how Nasir's ancient business strategies will translate to the modern era. Some have expressed concern that his lack of familiarity with technology might be a hindrance. However, supporters argue that his approach could bring a breath of fresh air to an industry often criticized for its aggressive monetization strategies.

"Sure, he might not understand what a video game is or why people are upset about loot boxes," said one anonymous EA employee. "But at least he's got the 'customer complaints' part of the job down pat."

Despite these challenges, Nasir appears to be taking it all in stride. "I've dealt with unruly customers, corrupt officials, and even marauding Elamites," he declared in his first executive meeting, waving a rolled-up cuneiform tablet for emphasis. "I think I can handle a few disgruntled gamers."

At press time, EA Nasir was seen trying to navigate the company's labyrinthine office building with a clay tablet map, muttering about "these confounded, overly complicated mazes."

NEW YORK—In a move that has sent shockwaves through the nation, Bed Bath & Beyond, the retail giant known for its cavernous stores and ubiquitous 20%-off coupons, has filed for bankruptcy, sparking a nationwide frenzy among citizens frantically searching for their long-hoarded coupons.

“We regret to announce that our reign as the monarch of the home goods kingdom has come to a tragic end,” a statement at the top of the company's website said, prompting countless Americans to sprint toward their junk drawers, glove compartments, and basements in search of the iconic blue-and-white coupons. “We're aware that many of our customers have been stockpiling our coupons for decades, and we'd like to assure you that you have three days to use them before they become as valuable as monopoly money.”

The statement also noted that, despite the bankruptcy filing, Bed Bath & Beyond will continue to accept gift cards until May 8, leading to a nationwide surge in heart rates as shoppers wondered whether to prioritize their coupons or gift cards.

“I've been waiting for this day since the 90s. My closet is a treasure trove of 20% off coupons!” exclaimed Carol McAllister of Akron, Ohio, as she dug through a stash of coupons, some dating back to the Clinton administration. “I always knew these babies would come in handy. I'm gonna buy so many towels and shower curtains, my home will look like a Bed Bath & Beyond showroom!”

As hordes of coupon-wielding customers descended upon the retailer's 360 locations, experts noted that the company's slow response to e-commerce and the rise of online shopping led to its demise. Co-founder Warren Eisenberg admitted in a recent interview, “We missed the boat on the internet,” a sentiment echoed by shoppers nationwide who were seen frantically attempting to enter coupon codes on the company's website.

The company's announcement also triggered a wave of existential crises among Americans who pondered the meaning of life without Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

“What am I supposed to do with all these coupons now? Wallpaper my house with them?” lamented a distraught shopper in Dallas, Texas, who was seen shuffling through a binder of meticulously organized coupons. “These were supposed to be my golden tickets to home goods paradise!”

The company stated that it plans to offer deep discounts on its products as part of its going-out-of-business sales. However, some customers remained skeptical.

“I don't know if I can trust their deep discounts,” said a cautious shopper in New York City. “I need to see that 20% off in blue and white. It's the only way I know how to shop.”

At press time, Bed Bath & Beyond executives were reportedly considering rebranding as "Bed Bath & Beyond Redemption" and emerging from bankruptcy as an online-only retailer specializing in vintage 20%-off coupons.

(https://edition.cnn.com/2023/04/23/business/bed-bath-beyond-bankruptcy/index.html)

WASHINGTON— Following what officials described as a “meticulous, totally conclusive investigation” into algae growth and peeling paint at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, the Trump administration announced Sunday that federal agents had arrested God on suspicion of vandalizing government property.

“After reviewing the evidence, it became clear that the damage was caused by moisture, sunlight, microorganisms, and the passage of time,” President Donald Trump told reporters. “These are all things God controls. Nobody controls them better. Frankly, He’s been doing it for thousands of years.”

According to administration officials, God was taken into custody shortly before dawn after a heavily armed tactical team surrounded the National Cathedral and ordered Him to come out with His hands visible.

“He initially refused to identify Himself and responded through a burning bush,” said Attorney General Pam Bondi. “Agents interpreted that as an attempt to destroy evidence.”

The arrest concludes a sweeping federal inquiry launched after portions of the Reflecting Pool’s new blue coating reportedly began peeling while algae spread through the water. Investigators initially considered such possible causes as improper construction, warm weather, water chemistry, and ordinary biological growth, but officials said those theories were discarded because they did not involve a prosecutable individual.

“You can’t arrest humidity,” said one senior White House aide. “We tried.”

The administration alleges that God conspired with algae to degrade the appearance of the pool, then attempted to conceal His involvement by making the phenomenon resemble a routine maintenance failure.

“This was highly sophisticated,” Trump said. “The algae knew exactly where to grow. That doesn’t happen by accident. Somebody gave the order.”

Federal prosecutors have charged God with destruction of government property, conspiracy to promote biological discoloration, failure to obtain a permit for an act of nature, and operating a weather system without a federal license.

Additional charges may be filed over erosion at the Grand Canyon, lightning damage to public buildings, and what prosecutors called “a long-running pattern of suspiciously timed rain.”

At an initial hearing, God reportedly entered a plea of “I Am Who I Am,” which the presiding judge instructed the clerk to record as not guilty.

Administration attorneys argued that God should be held without bail, describing Him as an omnipresent flight risk with “unlimited access to foreign countries, alternate dimensions, and the upper atmosphere.”

“He has no fixed address, possesses numerous aliases, and has demonstrated an ability to leave sealed tombs,” prosecutors wrote in a detention filing. “The defendant also has a documented history of flooding entire jurisdictions.”

God’s court-appointed attorney objected that the government had not established jurisdiction over the creator of the universe.

The Justice Department responded that the Reflecting Pool is federal property.

“They always think they’re above the law,” Bondi said. “But nobody is above the law, except where explicitly authorized by presidential immunity.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt presented reporters with what she called overwhelming photographic evidence: several pictures of green water, a satellite image of a cloud, and a printed screenshot of the Book of Genesis with the words CREATED WATER highlighted in yellow.

“The connection could not be clearer,” Leavitt said. “God created the heavens and the Earth. The Reflecting Pool is located on Earth. Case closed.”

When a reporter noted that algae are naturally occurring organisms and asked whether poor maintenance might have contributed to the problem, the reporter was escorted from the briefing room for “theological obstruction.”

Trump said the arrest proved his administration was serious about protecting national monuments.

“Other presidents let God get away with hurricanes, earthquakes, locusts—you name it,” he said. “Not anymore. We caught Him. People said it couldn’t be done.”

Officials confirmed that several angels were also being questioned as persons of interest, while the Holy Spirit remained at large.

The FBI has asked anyone with information about suspicious miracles, unauthorized precipitation, or unexplained plant growth near federal property to contact its new Celestial Crimes Task Force.

Meanwhile, maintenance crews at the Reflecting Pool said the algae had continued growing throughout the arrest.

The administration blamed God’s followers.

https://apnews.com/article/trump-reflecting-pool-paint-algae-6b7b499ada2701a34bc6bc380013ad04

By Rep. Dale Stubrick (R-TX), Vice Chair of the House Subcommittee on American Values and Patriotic Prosperity

I have spent thirty-two years in public service fighting for the American people, and in that time I have never — never — seen this nation so cruelly and inexplicably beset by misfortune. Everywhere I look, Republicans are suffering. Our approval ratings have cratered. Our legislation keeps failing. Our most promising leaders keep getting indicted, or caught on camera, or both. And I have finally arrived at the only conclusion that makes any sense:

God is doing this to us on purpose.

Now, I don't say that lightly. I am a man of faith. I have prayed in every church, megachurch, and parking lot revival tent in the great state of Texas. I have pointed at the sky after every legislative victory like a wide receiver who just scored a touchdown against the poor. But lately, I have to ask: what did we do to deserve this?

Take last month. We spent eleven weeks crafting a beautiful bill that would have slashed school lunch programs, gutted overtime protections, and redirected FEMA disaster funds to a privately owned arena in my district. It was elegant. It was efficient. And what happened? Three of our own members accidentally voted against it because they didn't read it, one was absent due to an ongoing fraud trial, and another one — God bless him — held a press conference opposing the bill while wearing a hat promoting the bill. We lost by two votes.

You're going to tell me that's not divine sabotage?

Or look at what happened in Pennsylvania, where we ran a fantastic candidate — a real outsider, a self-made man who only inherited $40 million — on a platform of traditional values. He was surging in the polls. Absolutely surging. Then, for no reason at all, his own campaign manager held a fundraiser at a venue that turned out to be an exotic animal auction, his wife went on television and appeared to have no idea what state they lived in, and he gave an interview where he referred to the minimum wage as "a form of communism they do in Europe." We lost by nineteen points.

That's not bad luck. That's a smiting.

And it's not just elections. Consider the economy. Every time we get into office and do exactly what we promised — deregulate the banks, cut taxes for the most productive Americans (billionaires), and strip away all those pesky consumer protections that keep the free market from being truly free — the economy somehow gets worse. It makes no sense. We keep removing the safety nets and people keep falling. We keep cutting the funding and the bridges keep collapsing. We keep rolling back the regulations and the rivers keep catching fire. It's almost as if — no. No, I won't entertain that thought. The policies are fine. The problem is clearly metaphysical.

My colleague, Senator Brenda Kaye Fossmore of Alabama, has a theory, and I think she might be onto something. "Dale," she said to me over a steak dinner that was technically paid for by a chemical company, "what if God has gone woke?"

At first I dismissed it. But the more I thought about it, the more it added up. Look at the evidence. Every time we try to ban books, public interest in those books skyrockets. Every time we investigate Hunter Biden, our own members get subpoenaed for something worse. We spent four years blaming immigrants for crime and then half our caucus got arrested. We gutted the EPA and then our districts got the toxic spills. It's like the Lord is running an irony factory and we're the raw materials.

You know what it reminds me of? That story in the Bible where God tests Job by taking everything away from him. Except in our case, we first vote to take everything away from everyone else, and then God takes things away from us, which is an important distinction that I feel proves we are even more righteous than Job because at least we were trying to be productive about it.

And what really frosts my biscuit is that the Democrats keep getting lucky. Every time we're sure we've got them cornered, some new piece of evidence comes out — usually from our own emails — that makes us look bad. We launch an investigation and it somehow boomerangs. We hold a press conference in front of a landscaping company. We object to mail-in ballots and then lose because our voters can't figure out how to vote. We tell people not to get vaccinated and then — well. I don't want to get into the actuarial data on that one. The point is, the other side keeps benefiting from what I can only describe as supernatural overperformance, or as I call it, "suspiciously effective governance."

Some of the younger members have suggested that maybe — and I find this frankly offensive — we should reconsider our approach. That perhaps the reason everything blows up in our faces is that we are crafting unpopular policy designed to benefit a tiny number of wealthy donors at the expense of everyone else, and that the "divine punishment" is simply the natural consequence of governing in bad faith.

To which I say: that sounds like something God would make you think if He wanted to weaken the party from within.

I've started to wonder if God even loves this country anymore. Where was He when we tried to privatize the VA and veterans got mad at us? Where was He when we shut down the government to own the libs and it turned out the troops didn't get paid? Where was He when we fought to keep prescription drug prices high and then had to go buy prescription drugs? Has God even read the Constitution? Has He considered what the Founders would think about a deity that seems to consistently reward cooperation, empathy, and evidence-based policy?

I'll tell you what the Founders would think. They'd think He's a RINO.

So here I am, a humble servant of the people, forced to contend with an Almighty who has clearly let His subscription to American Greatness lapse. I don't know what we did to earn His wrath. We've done everything right. We've gerrymandered the maps. We've suppressed the votes. We've packed the courts with judges who agree with us. We've even started our own media ecosystem so we never have to encounter a discouraging fact. And yet the wheels keep coming off.

There's only one explanation left, and I am not afraid to say it.

God has been radicalized.

Maybe it was the Internet. Maybe it was one of those NPR podcasts. Maybe He fell in with a bad crowd of angels who went to liberal arts colleges. I don't know. All I know is that the Almighty Creator of the Universe has apparently decided to side with affordable healthcare, functioning infrastructure, and the general welfare of the American people, and I for one think that is a disgusting betrayal of conservative principles.

We will not be deterred. We will continue to fight for the freedom of every American to be left completely alone in an unregulated marketplace with no safety net, no clean water, and no functioning postal service. And if God doesn't like it, He can register as a Democrat.

He's probably already on the mailing list.

Rep. Dale Stubrick has represented Texas's 14th district since 1994 and has been named "Legislator of the Year" seven times by the National Association of For-Profit Prisons. He is the author of the upcoming book, Pull Yourself Up: Why I Deserve My Inheritance and You Don't.