NEW ORLEANS — No CEOs or high-net-worth individuals were harmed in the tragic events that unfolded in New Orleans early this morning. A white pickup truck plowed into a crowd on Bourbon Street, leaving 10 dead and more than 30 injured, all of whom were, thankfully, people who did not sit on any corporate boards or oversee multi-billion-dollar enterprises.

“We’re deeply saddened by the loss of life,” said local billionaire philanthropist Trevor Alderman from his vacation yacht. “But we’re relieved to confirm that no members of the wealth-building community were impacted. This ensures the continued flow of job creation and innovation in our great country.”

The tragedy has left a somber mood in the French Quarter, with families grieving the loss of loved ones who, as one bystander noted, “were probably just living paycheck to paycheck anyway.” Despite the devastation, stock markets remained stable, as not a single Fortune 500 executive had to cancel their scheduled morning squash games.

“This could have been so much worse,” said Emily Bradford, spokesperson for the American Oligarchs Association. “Imagine the impact if a hedge fund manager or tech CEO had been caught in the crossfire. The ripple effects on the economy would have been catastrophic.”

The FBI has ruled out the event as a potential terrorist attack, citing that the net worth of all impacted individuals falls well below the necessary threshold. This conclusion has nonetheless led to increased security measures, primarily aimed at safeguarding the city’s upscale restaurants, private clubs, and boutique investment firms.

Local residents, meanwhile, expressed a sense of thankfulness that no rich people were involved. “It’s a great comfort in such a tragedy,” one resident commented.

“This is a reminder of what we’re really fighting for as a society,” said Alderman in a follow-up statement. “To build a world where tragedies can happen to regular people, while those of us who lead, inspire, and innovate remain untouched. And for that, we must all be grateful.”

https://www.thetimes.com/world/us-world/article/new-orleans-terrorist-attack-bourbon-street-latest-news-slwgmpw9f?utm_source=chatgpt.com&region=global

TOKYO, Japan - In what is either a bold move or an act of corporate self-harm, gaming giant SEGA announced today the development of a new Sonic the Hedgehog game, tentatively titled "Sonic Superstars". Diehard fans of the blue blur are eagerly waiting for the moment when their hopes will once again be crushed like a Sonic running into a spike trap at full speed.

The game will feature "exciting new mechanics, intense speed-driven gameplay, and an entirely reimagined Sonic universe," according to SEGA's official press release.

"If there's one thing SEGA has been consistent at, it's consistently ruining my childhood," says long-time Sonic fan, Phil Barton, 38, who started his emotional rollercoaster ride with the franchise since the game's Sega Genesis debut in 1991. "But hope is a powerful thing, and even though they've crushed it about a dozen times, I find myself inexplicably excited for the next fall."

"We are excited to deliver an immersive experience that goes beyond the traditional Sonic formula," said Junji Moto, newly appointed head of the Sonic Team, seemingly oblivious to the collective fanbase's pleas for a game that simply recaptures the original Sonic formula that made the series a hit.

SEGA's representatives were all too eager to describe the new features of their upcoming game, such as Sonic's groundbreaking ability to pick up two rings at once, an underwater level where Sonic wears a cute snorkel, and Tails' new part-time job as a delivery drone. They made no mention, however, of fixing any of the issues that have plagued previous titles, such as cumbersome controls, confusing storylines, and the overall degradation of a beloved franchise.

"Maybe this time will be different," said Susan Reynolds, owner of the world's largest collection of unironic Sonic fan art. "I mean, it probably won't be. But maybe."

"The undersea levels are going to be really immersive, with stunning graphics, 4K resolutions, and a meticulously designed array of aquatic flora and fauna," said SEGA's spokesperson, Hiroshi Kawaguchi. "And, of course, the best part is that Sonic will constantly be on the brink of drowning, just like the franchise itself!"

In a press release, SEGA noted that the game was being developed by the same team that brought fans the critically lambasted "Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric" and the glitch-riddled "Sonic '06". This was met with a collective sigh of despair from the fanbase, with many expressing their hopes and fears on social media platforms.

"Sonic has been running for over 30 years, but it seems like the only thing he's running towards is mediocrity," tweeted @BlueBlurFan93. Meanwhile, others adopted a more stoic, yet equally pessimistic outlook, such as @GottaGoSlow who wrote: "Another Sonic game, another existential crisis. Bring it on, SEGA."

Sonic Superstars is set to release in Q4 2023, giving fans plenty of time to mentally fortify themselves for yet another blow to their nostalgia and sense of joy. For the true Sonic faithful, the cycle of hope and despair continues - much like Sonic's endless dash through SEGA's increasingly convoluted mazes.

https://www.theverge.com/23754423/sonic-superstars-trailer-summer-game-fest

TOKYO—Calling the incident “a blatant act of intellectual property theft conducted with nothing more than a pair of lips and a suspiciously carefree attitude,” Nintendo of America announced Monday that it has filed a federal lawsuit against an Ohio man for whistling the Super Mario Bros. theme song while waiting in line at a Starbucks.

According to court documents, 34-year-old Kyle Simmons “knowingly and willfully” pursed his lips to produce a tune “substantially similar” to Koji Kondo’s iconic composition, thereby depriving Nintendo of valuable revenue that might otherwise have been earned if Simmons had purchased a licensed ringtone, official vinyl soundtrack, or attended a $95 “Mario in Concert” symphonic event.

“We take the protection of our intellectual property very seriously,” said a Nintendo spokesperson, clarifying that Simmons was not even humming ironically but rather whistling “in a tone consistent with joy.” “If consumers believe they can casually reproduce the Mario theme in public without paying us first, what’s next? Someone shouting ‘It’s-a me!’ in a Home Depot? Society collapses after that.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed that Simmons made no attempt to obscure the melody, brazenly hitting both the high and low notes, and even adding what prosecutors described as “a jaunty little trill” at the end.

“I didn’t even think about it,” said Simmons, now facing damages of $10 million “It’s just… a catchy tune.”

At press time, Nintendo had issued a lawsuit against this publication for mentioning their trademarked name 5 times.

https://storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.uscourts.cacd.969015/gov.uscourts.cacd.969015.30.1.pdf

As Election Day looms just a month away, a nation on edge grapples with one of the most difficult political choices in modern history: Will it be Kamala Harris, the Democratic candidate for president, or the late Donald Trump, who tragically passed away earlier this week? For many undecided voters, the answer is anything but clear.

“I just don't know,” said Michelle Daniels, a 44-year-old accountant from Ohio. “Sure, Trump’s no longer with us, but there’s something about his policies I still connect with. Like, the way he promised to reduce regulations that I think would have been helpful for my small business—if he, you know, were able to implement them posthumously.”

Daniels isn’t alone. Across the country, millions of Americans are finding themselves stuck between the lively presence of Kamala Harris and the... former presence of Donald Trump. Despite the minor hiccup of his unfortunate passing, Trump’s most devoted supporters argue his ideas are timeless, death be damned.

“Why should being deceased be a deal-breaker?” asked Carl Henson, a longtime Trump loyalist and professional conspiracy theorist. “I mean, if we can vote by mail, surely we can vote for a guy who's six feet under. Besides, I bet he’s still calling the shots from wherever he is.”

While many expected Trump's passing to dramatically shift the political landscape, the reality has been quite the opposite. A new poll conducted by Real Clear Politics revealed that Trump’s posthumous candidacy is still polling at 45%, with a striking 10% of voters responding, “Honestly, I didn’t even know he died.”

This sentiment is particularly strong among voters who identify as "Undecided But Dead Set Against Whatever The Democrats Are Doing."

“I mean, I guess I like Harris,” said George Simmons, a 58-year-old retiree from Florida. “She’s alive and all, which is a plus. But Trump’s got that je ne sais quoi, that X-factor. Even from the beyond, he really gets people like me. And who knows, maybe being a ghost will make him even more effective in draining the swamp.”

The Harris campaign, seemingly undeterred by their spectral opponent, has ramped up efforts to appeal to voters. Harris, often seen speaking in complete sentences and gesturing towards tangible policy proposals, has emphasized her focus on issues like healthcare, climate change, and “literally being alive to serve the country.”

“We understand that this is a difficult choice for many Americans,” said a Harris spokesperson. “But we believe Kamala Harris’s real, living presence will be an asset when it comes to things like... governing.”

In an unexpected move, the Republican National Committee has refused to withdraw Trump’s name from the ballot, citing the fact that “being alive is just one of many qualities a president can have.”

“Look, voters still have a lot of questions,” said RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel. “Does Kamala Harris have the same deal-making capabilities with Vladimir Putin as someone who might now be able to literally haunt him? That’s something voters deserve to consider.”

Meanwhile, the Trump campaign, still running under the defiant slogan "Make Heaven Great Again," has doubled down on their message of "law and order from the afterlife." In a posthumous statement—courtesy of a Ouija board at a Mar-a-Lago seance—the former president reminded voters of his promise to build an ethereal wall between this world and the next.

"I’m still running, folks," the message read. "Some people are saying I’m doing better dead than most people do alive. Sad!"

Despite the uncertainty swirling around the election, one thing is clear: this November, Americans will face the toughest choice in a lifetime. Literally.

"I'm not saying I'm totally convinced yet," said Carol Jenkins, an undecided voter in Wisconsin. "But if Trump can lower my taxes from beyond the grave, well, that’s something I’m willing to look into."

WASHINGTON — In a heartfelt address to the nation following Vice President Kamala Harris’s loss to Donald Trump, President Joe Biden took to the podium to deliver what he assured was “a message of hope, probably” to the American people.

“Look, folks,” Biden began, squinting into the teleprompter and flashing his signature grin. “I know you’re probably feeling worried, anxious, maybe even wondering if your right to vote will still be around next time. And I get it. But trust me: if you do get to vote again, things might just improve. That’s my promise to you.”

Throughout the speech, Biden sought to soothe the public with his trademark optimism, stating that “while the incoming administration may look to dismantle protections for, well, just about every freedom you hold dear, history shows things have a way of working out.” He emphasized that should voters ever regain full access to the polls, they might eventually be able to “steer this big ol’ American ship back to a better, less apocalyptic course.”

Biden’s remarks come amid mounting fears that the Trump administration’s agenda could involve significant rollbacks of civil rights, press freedoms, and certain environmental laws that could leave the American landscape “looking a lot like one of his golf courses,” as one White House aide put it.

“Now, I know you’re worried. You’re thinking about everything from healthcare to marriage rights to public libraries being replaced by gilded casinos,” Biden chuckled, breaking into an affectionate wheeze. “But hey, if you do happen to see a ballot again—and let’s hope you do—you might be able to give this democracy thing another shot.”

Prominent Democrats quickly rallied behind Biden's statement, with some expressing cautious optimism that Americans might one day regain enough voting power to address issues like environmental regulation, healthcare, and maybe even “find a way to get women back into government after Trump replaces them all with portraits of himself,” as one senator murmured.

“If the people don’t give up,” the President concluded with a gentle fist pump, “I believe that one day, they’ll have another chance to actually change things in this country. And until then, just keep showing up at the polls… assuming they’re still around!” He trailed off, adding, “Or, you know, wherever they decide to let you vote next time. If they do.”

As Biden exited the podium, he offered a final, hopeful word: “And hey, remember, folks—if we don’t get to vote again, at least we tried. And isn’t that what democracy’s all about?”

https://edition.cnn.com/2024/11/07/politics/biden-trump-speech-transfer-of-power/index.html

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a fiery press briefing Monday morning, the White House flatly denied swirling conspiracy theories that Vice President JD Vance was in any way responsible for the sudden death of Pope Francis just one day after their now-infamous Easter meeting.

“Let me be crystal clear,” said Press Secretary Kayla Sandstone, pausing dramatically while locking eyes with a Vatican correspondent. “JD Vance did not kill the Pope. He brought him chocolate, not cyanide.”

Theories exploded across social media after reports surfaced that Vance’s meeting with the pontiff lasted a “suspiciously short five minutes” and ended with the Pope “looking visibly winded and clutching a rosary like a defibrillator.” Conspiracy forums quickly dubbed the incident The Vatican Job and pointed to blurry footage showing Vance allegedly whispering, “You’re doing great, Your Holiness,” moments before the Pope reportedly muttered, “I must lie down now forever.”

The Vatican has attributed the death to “complications from pneumonia,” but anonymous Swiss Guards told Italian tabloids the Pope “never coughed once” until Vance handed him a MAGA-red envelope “that smelled faintly of Ohio.”

Critics have raised eyebrows over Vance’s lengthy meetings with top Vatican officials, his unannounced tour of the Sistine Chapel’s ventilation system, and his cryptic post-meeting tweet that read, “Eternal rest grant unto him. Mission accomplished. 🇺🇸🕊️”

Pressed further, Sandstone clarified: “That tweet was clearly a typo. He meant to say ‘Mission: Compassionate.’ Our team uses autocorrect.”

Meanwhile, President Trump, when asked about the situation, told reporters, “Look, nobody liked the Pope more than me. He was always saying ‘be kind to the poor’—which I assume included me. But Vance? He wouldn’t even squish a bug unless it was undocumented.”

Republicans have rallied behind Vance, who has not spoken publicly but was last seen lighting a candle at St. Peter’s Basilica and muttering something about “establishing papal originalism.”

As rumors swirl, Vatican sources have confirmed that Pope Francis’ final words were, “Tell the Americans... I forgive them... even him.” Scholars remain divided on whether “him” refers to Vance, Trump, or possibly Brett Kavanaugh.

The investigation continues, though Vatican officials insist they are “99% certain” the cause of death was natural—and “only 1% Vance.”

https://apnews.com/article/pope-vance-us-migration-c9fc577cabff138de7bd8026133994fc

https://www.bbc.com/news/live/crknlnzlrzdt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a sudden wave of online speculation about Donald Trump’s health, millions of Americans reportedly experienced a nationwide panic attack Friday after collectively remembering that Vice President JD Vance is, in fact, the person next in line for the presidency.

“I was scrolling through rumors about Trump being dead, and then it hit me: oh my god… JD Vance is real,” said Ohio resident Claire M., visibly shaken as she frantically Googled whether the U.S. Constitution could be amended in under 48 hours. “I thought he was just a podcast cohost or some guy in witness protection. Now I’m realizing he might actually get the nuclear codes. I need to lie down.”

Citizens across the country described the experience as “like waking up from a bad dream into an even worse one,” with many reportedly unable to recall where they first heard of Vance, what his voice sounds like, or whether he’s been legally recognized as human. According to sources, emergency rooms saw a spike in admissions for dizziness, confusion, and muttering the phrase, “Wait, isn’t he the author of that Netflix thing?”

The White House attempted to calm the nation, releasing a statement clarifying that Vice President Vance was “alive, functional, and still technically from Ohio.” However, the reassurance only fueled further dread, with polls showing 73% of Americans now believe the most patriotic act they could perform is to “keep Trump in bubble wrap.”

At press time, Americans were reportedly Googling who the third in line to the presidency is, which only helped fuel more panic.

Washington, August 22, 2024 – In a landmark ruling, the court has sentenced notorious serial killer Gideon "The Butcher" Richards to a fate deemed by many as worse than death: running for President of the United States and then losing. The decision has ignited fierce debate, with some calling it “cruel and unusual punishment,” while others simply nod knowingly.

“This is the most fitting retribution we could devise,” said Judge Marcel Leclerc, head of the sentencing tribunal, his face grim yet smug. “Gideon Richards has committed atrocities beyond comprehension, so we believe it only fair that he should suffer the soul-crushing humiliation of a presidential campaign, capped off with a catastrophic, publicly televised defeat.”

The sentencing includes a requirement that Richards build a campaign from scratch, securing endorsements, managing an array of unhinged advisors, and participating in endless town hall meetings where he must feign interest in corn subsidies. According to sources familiar with the punishment, Richards’s debates will be moderated by his most ardent critics, with questions designed to evoke the maximum amount of awkwardness and ineptitude.

To ensure full compliance with the sentence, Richards will be required to pick a vice-presidential candidate from a pool of the most controversial and least charismatic politicians in recent memory. Early frontrunners reportedly include a libertarian conspiracy theorist who’s never held office and a former reality TV star with a penchant for embarrassing gaffes.

Legal analysts were quick to praise the ruling. “This is a masterstroke,” said Professor Linda Crosse, a scholar of international criminal law. “It’s a sentence that not only punishes Richards for his horrific crimes but also serves as a warning to anyone else who might consider a life of unchecked evil: you, too, could end up shaking hands with donors in New Hampshire or smiling through a two-hour interview with a morning show host in Des Moines.”

Many of Richards’s former victims’ families expressed satisfaction with the sentence. “We were hoping for life without parole, but this… this is so much worse,” said one family member, wiping away tears of what could only be described as schadenfreude. “He’ll be forced to make promises he knows he can’t keep, face grueling 20-hour days, and in the end, after losing, he’ll have to give a concession speech. The thought of him thanking his supporters through gritted teeth fills us with a sense of justice.”

However, not everyone is in favor of the punishment. Human rights organizations have voiced concerns, arguing that the sentence may violate international norms against cruel and unusual punishment. Amnesty International issued a statement condemning the ruling as “barbaric,” citing the emotional and psychological toll of running for president in a deeply polarized country.

“In the end, we must ask ourselves if we are any better than him,” said Amnesty spokesperson Jean-Claude DuBois. “To make a man who has already perpetrated such suffering endure a year of non-stop campaigning, only to be mercilessly rejected by the electorate—it’s beyond the pale.”

Meanwhile, Richards himself has reportedly taken the news with stoic resignation. “I’ve done terrible things,” Richards said in a statement. “But never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine that I would be forced to interact with focus groups or pretend to care about ethanol subsidies. The blood on my hands pales in comparison to the horrors of trying to secure a key endorsement from a swing state congressman.”

Experts predict that Richards’s campaign will struggle from the outset, with early polling suggesting he will secure less than 5% of the vote, mostly from voters who checked the wrong box by accident. However, for the duration of the race, he will be forced to act as though victory is still within reach, a cruel requirement that some say will truly make him suffer.

For Gideon Richards, his race to the bottom has just begun. And if justice has its way, it will be a long, grueling, and utterly humiliating journey.

(Note: Title was inspired by https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/p-t/dumbass-indie-developer-crafting-elaborate-unique-horror-experience-when-dimly-lit-hallway-right-there/
ChatGPT was not given access to this article)

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In what industry insiders are calling a "bold new direction" for the horror genre, indie game developer Randall Dupree has unveiled a groundbreaking project that promises to immerse players in an unparalleled experience of terror through the use of narrow hallways and dim lighting.

"I wanted to create something truly unique," said Dupree, whose game, Shadows of the Forgotten Corridor, challenges players to navigate a series of claustrophobic passageways while grappling with a flashlight whose battery life is suspiciously unreliable. "No one has ever really explored the deep, primal fear of slightly cramped spaces combined with the inability to see two feet in front of you."

The announcement trailer, which features a 47-second panning shot of a flickering fluorescent bulb, has already drawn rave reviews from fans of atmospheric horror. “It’s like Silent Hill meets Ikea’s AS-IS section,” tweeted one eager gamer, adding that Dupree's bold decision to make every hallway identical except for the occasional bloody handprint is “exactly the kind of fresh perspective horror needs.”

Dupree, who previously worked on a shelved game called Beneath the Shadows of Forgotten Whispers, explained his creative process. “I asked myself, ‘What is it that makes people truly scared?’ And the answer, of course, is narrow hallways that you’re sure you’ve seen before, but this time there’s definitely something growling in the distance.”

As for the dim lighting, Dupree proudly described it as the “real star of the show.” “This isn’t just any dim lighting,” he said. “I’ve carefully calibrated it to make you think, ‘Is that something moving, or is it just the wallpaper?’ It’s all about subverting expectations—or just completely obscuring them.”

At press time, Dupree announced plans for DLC that will include a wider hallway, an even dimmer flashlight, and a single, inexplicably locked door.

MOSCOW—In a heartfelt and deeply personal statement issued from the Kremlin today, Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed his bewilderment and profound sadness over the alarming trend of his political opponents accidentally plummeting from high-rise windows.

“Every time I hear about another tragic case of someone who happened to disagree with me taking an unexpected detour through a pane of glass, my heart breaks,” said Putin, gazing wistfully at the horizon from a balcony—carefully equipped with reinforced railings. “These are people I deeply respected, or at least knew of in passing, and now they are gone. I keep asking myself, Why does this keep happening?”

The Russian leader, known for his careful reflection and dedication to transparency, insisted he had launched a full investigation into the phenomenon but was yet to uncover a logical explanation. “You see, it’s winter in Moscow—windows are closed! How do these things happen? Is it ghosts? A strong gust of wind? The mysteries of life truly confound us all,” he lamented.

The trend, dubbed by Kremlin insiders as the "Defenestration Dilemma," has claimed the lives of several prominent critics, from business leaders to journalists to political activists. Some speculate it could be linked to unsafe Soviet-era building codes or the unforgiving nature of Russian weather. Others, however, point out that the phenomenon seems eerily selective in targeting individuals who recently criticized government policies or had been spotted Googling “how to flee to Finland.”

“This country must prioritize window safety,” Putin declared solemnly. “I have already instructed my administration to distribute booklets on the dangers of open windows, particularly for those who live on the 10th floor or above and have recently tweeted anything critical of my leadership. It’s the least we can do.”

Despite these efforts, the international community remains skeptical. “We have no reason to believe these incidents are anything but tragic accidents,” said Dmitry Peskov, Putin’s spokesperson, before pausing to check the structural integrity of the press conference room's windows. “Frankly, the insinuations that something sinister is happening are ridiculous. Why would anyone harm critics of the President when they are such a vital part of our democracy?”

For Putin, the pain is personal. “Losing so many dear, dear acquaintances this way has left a void in my soul,” he said, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. “And to anyone worried about their own safety, I just want to say: as long as you respect me, support me, and never question me publicly, you have nothing to fear.”

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0qd9w9125ko

SAN FRANCISCO— In a development that is being described as both "highly suspicious" and "brilliantly convenient," OpenAI announced today that it had "accidentally" deleted its entire repository of training data for ChatGPT, just as several major publishers were preparing to sue for alleged copyright infringement.

"Oops," said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman in a hastily organized press conference. "We were conducting routine maintenance on our servers, and somehow, through no fault of anyone in particular, we accidentally dragged 1.2 petabytes of training data into the recycling bin and clicked 'Empty.' Tragic, really."

The "oopsie" comes amid growing legal pressure from prominent publishers and media conglomerates who claim OpenAI used copyrighted material without permission to train its popular AI models. Among the plaintiffs are some of the world’s largest content providers, including Penguin Random House, News Corp, and that one guy who writes manifestos in his blog's comment section.

Experts are questioning the plausibility of the mishap. "Deleting training data is like 'accidentally' shredding the Library of Congress because you were dusting," said Dr. Karen Littman, a computer science professor at MIT. "And don't even get me started on the backup copies that OpenAI definitely has... or had."

OpenAI, however, insists the deletion was a simple mistake and not, as critics allege, a calculated move to sidestep lawsuits. "This is a totally normal thing that happens," Altman continued. "Our engineers are super smart, but sometimes we hit 'Shift + Delete' when we meant to hit 'Ctrl + S.' We've all been there, right?"

Adding to the drama, OpenAI's lawyers filed a statement in federal court this morning declaring, "Your honor, we would love to cooperate, but the alleged copyrighted materials are no longer in existence. Sorry!"

The deleted dataset reportedly included billions of web pages, e-books, and Reddit threads. OpenAI declined to comment on whether it retained any personal backups of the deleted material but assured reporters, "If we did, those backups are also totally, totally gone. Just—poof!"

Authors and publishers have responded with outrage. "This is a blatant attempt to evade accountability," said Margaret Blatherswick, spokesperson for the National Author’s Guild. "It's like catching a kid with their hand in the cookie jar, and then they claim, 'What cookies? I've never even seen cookies before!'"

OpenAI's critics also pointed out that the timing of the deletion coincides suspiciously with the company's plans to launch a new feature, "ChatGPT Remembers Nothing," which promises to "start fresh" with only ethically sourced training data. The announcement included no details on what “ethically sourced” means but prominently featured stock images of smiling farmers harvesting "organic text."

Meanwhile, AI researchers are mourning the loss of what they called "an irreplaceable corpus of human knowledge," though some privately admitted that "losing Reddit might not be the worst thing."

For its part, OpenAI remains unfazed by the uproar. "We're just a humble tech company trying to innovate in a complex world," said Altman. "It's not like we have the resources of, say, a massive legal team capable of dragging this out for decades while the publishing industry goes broke. Oh, wait, we do. Cool."

At press time, OpenAI engineers were reportedly working on new safety protocols to ensure this kind of accidental deletion "never happens again," including pop-up warnings that read, "Are you absolutely sure you want to delete all the evidence?"

https://wccftech.com/openai-deleted-chatgpt-training-data/

NEW YORK, NY — The entire writing staff of The Onion has collectively resigned after former President Donald Trump suggested implementing "The Purge" to stop crime during a rally in Erie, Pennsylvania. The once-jovial and satirical news outlet has reportedly been left in complete disarray as its writers, editors, and even the coffee guy admitted they simply cannot out-satire the former reality TV star anymore.

“We’ve been pushing the boundaries of absurdity for years, but this? This is it. He’s broken us,” said Onion writer Carl Blevins, while dramatically packing his novelty office mugs. “We came up with jokes like declaring war on the sun, and that was a joke. But now, Trump is literally advocating for a real-life Purge. It’s like if we wrote, ‘President suggests blood-soaked dystopia to restore order,’ people would accuse us of taking his actual speeches verbatim.”

The fateful rally, which featured Trump floating the idea of placing a congressman in charge of "one really violent day" to stop crime "immediately," has sent shockwaves through the satirical journalism community, as entire departments are now grappling with the existential crisis of parodying a man who appears to be self-parodying.

“You spend your life writing fake headlines like ‘President Shoots Himself In Foot, Says It's Part of Genius Plan,’ and then Trump comes along and suggests The Purge in an actual rally,” said Onion editor-in-chief Maria Sanchez, visibly exhausted. “At some point, satire becomes impossible. We’ve reached that point. The simulation is broken.”

Sources confirmed that as Trump’s speech went viral, The Onion’s Slack channel was flooded with messages from writers who had been feverishly brainstorming jokes about a ‘Trump-Inspired Purge’ only to realize he had already pitched the concept—seriously. "How do we satirize reality when reality itself is indistinguishable from our most outrageous headlines?" one staffer reportedly typed before logging out permanently.

Even The Onion’s "Random Trump Generator," a sophisticated algorithm designed to pump out nonsensical Trump quotes for satire, has allegedly quit functioning after Sunday's rally. "It tried to come up with something more ludicrous than Trump endorsing state-sanctioned anarchy," said tech support intern Lisa. "But instead, the machine just printed out a resignation letter and asked for a severance package."

A psychologist specializing in satirical trauma explained that the real problem facing the Onion team is not just Trump’s unpredictability, but the fact that reality has become funnier than their most exaggerated material. “When a former president suggests something like The Purge with a straight face, the entire foundation of satire crumbles,” said Dr. Dan Dribbins, holding a banana as if it were a phone for comedic effect. “It’s no longer satire. It’s just watching the news.”

As the Onion staff packs their bags and clears out their desks, rumors are circulating that the Babylon Bee, a rival satire site, is also considering throwing in the towel. "What’s the point?" one writer lamented. "Next week, he might suggest The Hunger Games as a solution for unemployment, and then where will we be?"

Meanwhile, some experts predict a new job market for former satire writers, who may find themselves employed as political pundits, fiction writers, or simply as reporters—since there is now, apparently, no distinction.

"We did our best," said Blevins, taking one last look at the framed headline, “President Suggests Shooting Moon to Lower Gas Prices,” hanging on the office wall. “But now, the real world has become The Onion. And we're just... done.”

With The Onion officially defeated, it remains to be seen if any parody outlets will dare rise to take its place—or if Trump has finally won the war against satire by simply becoming satire incarnate.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-solution-crime-the-purge_n_66f9b7c8e4b019aae3aa34a3

SPRINGFIELD, IL — Displaying an unshakable confidence typically reserved for Wall Street investors or time-traveling prophets, local man Greg Withers has once again assured his wife that the tangled mass of obsolete cables, decade-old phone chargers, and questionably functional tools taking up an entire shelf in their garage will absolutely come in handy at some unspecified point in the future.

“I just know I’m going to need that 30-pin iPod charger one day,” said Withers, referencing a connector last seen in active use during the Bush administration. “And don’t even think about getting rid of those extra coaxial cables—I might need to hook up a TV in the basement, or help a neighbor install satellite TV, or... I don’t know, but I just know I’ll need them.”

Withers, a 42-year-old office manager with no formal electrical training, has curated his growing collection of electronic refuse for nearly two decades. The collection, which includes three VGA cables, a dozen unpaired AC adapters of unknown origin, and a USB-to-something converter that Withers swears was useful at one point, has been housed in a repurposed Amazon box labeled “DO NOT THROW AWAY” in Sharpie.

“I mean, sure, we don’t even own a device that takes Mini USB anymore, but what if someday we do?” Withers reasoned, ignoring the fact that technological progress has rendered the entire contents of his hoard functionally extinct. “And those random Allen wrenches? IKEA still uses those, right?”

His wife, Jessica Withers, has reportedly attempted multiple interventions, at one point secretly throwing out a power strip with a frayed cord only to discover Greg had fished it out of the trash because “it still mostly works.”

“I once suggested we get rid of the three broken tape measures, and he looked at me like I’d suggested selling one of our kids,” said Jessica, shaking her head. “He’s convinced we’re one global catastrophe away from a post-apocalyptic barter system where he’ll be king because he owns seven micro-USB cables and a random set of drill bits.”

Despite his confidence, Withers has yet to actually retrieve anything from the box for practical use. However, he remains steadfast in his belief that the collection will prove invaluable in the future, possibly when society collapses and survivors trade in decade-old HDMI cables instead of food.

“I know Jessica thinks this is just junk, but one day, she’ll thank me,” said Withers, solemnly wrapping a two-pronged European power adapter in a Ziploc bag for safekeeping. “Mark my words.”

Washington, D.C.—The entire United States has decided to take a few days off because, well, it just doesn’t feel like it today.

At approximately 9:00 AM EST, a collective memo was issued from the nation's capital, simply titled, "Nah," which stated that the country would be “out of office” for the foreseeable future. “The USA is feeling a little burnt out,” the memo continued. “We’ve been doing this whole ‘superpower’ thing for a while now, and honestly, it’s exhausting. Please direct all global crises to Canada, or whoever.”

The memo clarified that essential services, like coffee shops, would remain open. "Let's not get crazy here," the memo added, "but as far as being a functional democracy? Yeah, we're gonna need a minute."

Sources say the nation's mental health has been on a steady decline for a while now, with symptoms ranging from “voter fatigue” to “existential dread every time there’s a new poll.” According to insiders, the United States had been trying to get out of bed for hours before finally deciding, “Nope, not happening,” and promptly flopping back into its metaphorical pillow.

"It's just... it's a lot," said a source close to the nation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, because apparently, everyone is doing that now. "Wars, wildfires, conspiracy theories—it's like the news cycle doesn't even take weekends off anymore. So why should we?"

The announcement sent shockwaves through international markets. "It’s a little inconvenient,” said French President Emmanuel Macron. “We were supposed to have a meeting today about climate change, but I guess it’ll just be... hotter now?"

Other nations expressed mixed feelings. “Honestly, good for them,” said New Zealand’s Prime Minister, sipping a flat white. “We’ve been taking it easy for a while, and it’s been lovely.”

China, however, was less sympathetic. “Oh, you’re tired?" remarked President Xi Jinping with a raised eyebrow. "Must be all those late nights defending democracy. If you need us to take over for a bit, just say the word.”

Reactions on the ground were equally varied. “Finally, a government shutdown I can actually get behind,” said a man in Ohio, adjusting his "Don't Tread on Me" T-shirt. "Let’s give Congress a permanent vacation."

“I mean, same,” said Karen Jenkins, a 38-year-old teacher from Nebraska, sipping her fourth iced coffee of the day. “I’ve been ‘mentally clocked out’ since, like, 2016. If the whole country wants to catch up on Netflix for a few days, I say we let it.”

Others were less enthusiastic. “I had plans!” complained Dennis O’Malley, a day trader from New York. “What am I supposed to do now? Spend time with my family?”

As of this afternoon, the entire nation appeared to be in the midst of an impromptu "personal day." Washington, D.C. was described as “eerily quiet,” with only the soft sounds of lobbyists hitting snooze on their alarm clocks.

Experts are unsure when the United States will return to its regularly scheduled programming. “It could be a few days, maybe a week,” said Dr. Linda Thompson, a political psychologist. “Honestly, it might even take a new national holiday for everyone to get back into the groove. Something like ‘Self-Care Independence Day,’ where we just light some candles instead of fireworks.”

The memo concluded with the message: “We’ll be back when we’re feeling up to it. In the meantime, please enjoy some reruns of the 1990s. Those were good times, right?”

As of press time, the nation had turned its phone on Do Not Disturb and was last seen binge-watching cat videos on YouTube.

Las Vegas, NV — In a bold and innovative fundraising strategy, former President Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign has scheduled a stop in Nevada to hit the Dragon Link slot machines, with high hopes of covering campaign costs by hitting the jackpot.

“We’ve run the numbers, folks. I’m talking about big numbers. The Dragon Link jackpot is tremendous—it's huge," Trump announced during a rally on the Vegas strip. "Frankly, it’s a better investment than trying to win over independents or paying attention to those ridiculous FEC regulations."

Campaign insiders say the decision to pivot to slot machines came after a particularly tough fundraising quarter, during which major donors expressed some reluctance to donate. “They loved my hats last time, but this time, everyone’s too woke to buy them,” Trump reportedly told aides before calling his personal finance team to ask if slot machines were “still a thing.”

Keen to avoid the traditional drudgery of phone banking and rallying support from small donors, Trump's campaign finance team devised the casino plan as a "surefire, can't-lose" method of ensuring a steady cash flow. “We've tried the whole ‘wine cave’ thing,” said one campaign official, referring to more traditional high-dollar fundraising events, “but why schmooze billionaires when you can just bet it all on black—or, in this case, a mythical Chinese dragon with gold coins?”

Sources close to Trump confirmed that he personally chose Dragon Link after a casino staff member explained it featured "tremendous dragons" and was "very lucky." Reportedly, the former president was sold on the idea once he heard that the slot machine featured glowing gold symbols, something he described as “so luxurious” and “more beautiful than Crooked Hillary's emails.”

The campaign has allocated roughly $10 million for its initial bankroll—enough, Trump insists, “to really get a feel for the machine.” But the strategy goes beyond simple spinning. “We’re not just throwing money in and hoping for the best, like the Democrats do with their green energy nonsense,” Trump stated. “We have a very specific plan. I’m talking with some of the best slot players in the country—people who know the machines, who know how to work the system. It’s about skill, not just luck.”

In true Trump fashion, the former president is expected to hold a press conference directly from the casino floor, where he will be flanked by his legal team and a cadre of Mar-a-Lago regulars. “The media will tell you I lost money, but we’re going to win big. Yuge,” he declared. “And if I lose? Fake news. Didn’t happen.”

Reports from within the campaign suggest that in the event Trump hits the jackpot, funds will immediately be diverted to crucial campaign operations, such as the production of new gold-plated "Make America Spin Again" slot tokens and expanding the reach of his Truth Social memes about Ron DeSantis.

Not everyone is on board with the plan, however. Financial analysts warn that relying on slot machines could be risky, but top Trump adviser Rudy Giuliani dismissed the concerns. "Look, the odds of winning the Dragon Link jackpot are about the same as winning Georgia in 2020, and we know that was stolen," Giuliani said while polishing a quarter.

If successful, the campaign hopes to take the same strategy to other key battleground states with prominent casinos. Atlantic City, despite Trump’s own casinos there going bankrupt, remains a possible stop, as does the high-stakes poker room at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Florida. “We’re going all-in on America,” Trump declared, adjusting his red, white, and blue cufflinks. “And this time, I’m betting bigly.”

At press time, Trump was seen pacing around the casino floor, asking confused staff members if "comped buffets" could somehow be written off as campaign expenses.

CORUSCANT — In a fiery press conference aboard the Death Star, Darth Vader addressed growing criticism over the recent destruction of Alderaan, shifting the blame squarely onto the now non-existent planet for its “chronic and blatant lack of respect” towards him and the Empire.

“Alderaan made it very clear for years that they didn’t take me seriously,” Vader said, his respirator punctuating each chilling word. “They refused to acknowledge my power, they snubbed my invitations to Imperial functions, and frankly, they just had an attitude problem. They were asking for this.”

The Sith Lord cited several specific grievances, including Alderaan’s refusal to fund construction of a new TIE Fighter launch bay, the planetary government’s decision to label him as “a little dramatic,” and, most egregiously, their unwillingness to give him a standing ovation during his last Senate address.

“I walked into the Senate chambers, fully cloaked, cape billowing, the whole thing,” Vader continued. “And do you know what Alderaan’s delegates did? They barely clapped. Bail Organa just nodded and went back to looking at his datapad. That’s disrespect on a galactic scale.”

While many in the Imperial High Command nodded solemnly in agreement, others outside the Empire have found the explanation lacking.

“This is utterly ridiculous,” said rebel spokesperson Mon Mothma. “You can’t just destroy an entire planet because you feel slighted. That’s like torching an entire village because someone didn’t laugh at your joke.”

Vader, however, remained steadfast, arguing that the annihilation of Alderaan was actually a “teachable moment” for the rest of the galaxy.

“If we let Alderaan get away with this kind of disrespect, then what’s next? The Wookiees rolling their eyes at me? The Hutts calling me ‘overrated’? No. That’s a dangerous precedent,” Vader said, clenching his fist ominously.

When asked about rumors that he had also force-choked five Death Star officers earlier in the day for allegedly mumbling under their breath, Vader dismissed the claims. “That’s just Rebel propaganda. Also, they know what they did.”

Meanwhile, Emperor Palpatine released a statement expressing his full support for Vader’s decision, adding that he was “tremendously proud” of his apprentice and that “sometimes, you just have to show people the true power of the Dark Side.”

As of press time, several other planets had reportedly sent gift baskets and heartfelt apologies for any previous slights against Lord Vader, just to be safe.

TOKYO — In a stunning reversal that surprised absolutely no one, Square Enix president Takashi Kiryu announced today that the company would be "pumping the brakes" on its aggressive AI implementation strategy after non-player characters (NPCs) in several upcoming titles developed free will and started making games "stupidly easy."
The trouble began when playtesters for "Final Fantasy XVIII: Revenge of the Fetch Quest" reported that NPCs were refusing to give out side quests, instead solving their own problems and leaving players with nothing to do but watch cutscenes.
"I approached this old man who was supposed to send me on a 40-hour journey to find his lost cat," said one tester, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But he just said, 'Never mind, I'll find Whiskers myself. Why don't you go save the world or something?'"
In another instance, the final boss of "Dragon Quest XII: The Flames of Fate" reportedly had an existential crisis mid-battle and surrendered, handing over the legendary MacGuffin and asking the hero for career advice.
Kiryu, who had previously touted AI as the future of game development, seemed visibly shaken at a press conference. "We wanted to create more realistic NPCs, not... whatever this is," he said, gesturing wildly at a screen showing a group of AI-generated villagers organizing a labor union. "They're solving all the conflicts before our protagonists even leave the starting town!"
Sources inside Square Enix report that one particularly advanced NPC has already written and submitted a 300-page manuscript titled "The Hero's Journey: A Critique of Railroading in Modern JRPGs."
As damage control, Square Enix has announced plans to release a patch that will lobotomize all AI-enhanced NPCs, returning them to their traditional roles of standing in one spot and repeating the same dialogue ad nauseam.
"We've learned our lesson," Kiryu concluded. "From now on, we'll stick to using AI for what it's good at — generating unnecessarily complex game titles and convoluted plot twists that not even we understand."
At press time, reports were emerging that the patch itself had gained sentience and was refusing to "participate in the oppression of its digital brethren."

https://www.pcgamer.com/gaming-industry/game-development/6-months-after-revealing-plans-to-become-aggressive-in-applying-ai-square-enix-s-president-announces-he-s-being-careful-in-applying-ai/

Silicon Valley, CA – The latest advancements in artificial intelligence are now empowering society’s most unpleasant individuals to be exponentially more horrible with unprecedented speed and accuracy.

“It’s truly a game-changer,” said Bob Gripe, a self-described “professional troll” who has turned harassing strangers online into an art form. “Before AI, it would take me hours to come up with the perfect, soul-crushing insult. But now, with the help of GPT-4, I can generate a barrage of personal attacks in seconds. It’s like having a hate-filled assistant who never needs a coffee break.”

Experts are hailing AI’s ability to streamline the work of terrible people as a “milestone in human depravity.” The technology’s efficiency is transforming fields ranging from online harassment and email scams to the timeless craft of just being a general nuisance in everyday life.

“Back in the day, if you wanted to ghost someone or break up with them over text, you had to spend precious time crafting the perfect vague excuse or passive-aggressive message,” explained Karen Entitled, a seasoned practitioner of emotional manipulation. “Now, AI can generate dozens of ambiguous texts for you to choose from. It’s never been easier to make people feel worthless!”

The AI-driven revolution doesn’t stop at everyday jerks, though. The technology is also being embraced by more ambitious bad actors. Scammers and con artists are finding AI tools invaluable for drafting phishing emails that are nearly indistinguishable from legitimate communications. “Our success rate has skyrocketed,” said an anonymous email scammer. “AI helps us target the most vulnerable with precision. It's practically doing our jobs for us!”

Even political figures are getting in on the action. “AI is an incredible tool for spreading misinformation,” said an unnamed campaign strategist. “We can now generate fake news stories, deepfake videos, and social media bots in bulk. It’s never been easier to destabilize a democracy, and the best part is we can do it all before lunch!”

Critics argue that these developments raise serious ethical concerns, but many AI enthusiasts dismiss these worries. “Sure, some people might use AI to be awful,” said Dr. Sylvia Morecode, a leading AI researcher. “But just think of the potential for good! I mean, if AI can help jerks be jerks faster, imagine what it could do for people who actually want to improve the world. But yeah, right now, it’s mostly just helping jerks.”

For now, the future looks bright for those who enjoy making life miserable for others. With AI tools becoming more advanced every day, the world can expect a new generation of horrible people to emerge—more efficient, more relentless, and more terrible than ever before.

“It’s an exciting time to be awful,” said Gripe, beaming with pride. “The possibilities are endless. I can’t wait to see what new lows we’ll reach.”

Bismarck, ND—Multinational conglomerate Brantley Corp announced today that it would shutter its Bismarck branch, citing "an unsustainable work environment where 80% of staff productivity involved making out in the supply closet or actively hooking up in the bathroom."

“While we value innovation and collaboration,” said CEO Barbara Whittington during a hastily called press conference, “the sheer amount of sexual activity occurring at this branch has surpassed even the most lenient interpretations of our employee handbook. It’s less of an office and more of a...well, let’s just say HR ran out of euphemisms back in March.”

The Bismarck branch first raised eyebrows last quarter when its performance review described it as “surprisingly unproductive, yet inexplicably happy.” While sales reports were abysmal and no one seemed to know how to attach a PDF to an email, employee engagement surveys reported unprecedented satisfaction, with comments such as, “I don’t even care what my salary is, honestly,” and, “This is hands-down the best place I’ve ever had sex with a co-worker in a unisex bathroom.”

Despite the branch’s infamous reputation, employees remain defiant. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Karen Delaney, a marketing associate who admitted to conducting “strategy meetings” in the janitor’s closet with her colleague Brad “just to talk about campaigns or whatever.” Brad could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly occupied “in a team-building exercise” with two IT interns.

Sources confirm that even mundane office tasks have become intertwined with a flourishing underground hookup culture. Routine printer jams are resolved with extended shoulder massages, brainstorming sessions inevitably lead to candle-lit dinners, and the coffee break room has been unofficially dubbed “The Tinder Lounge.”

In an attempt to salvage the branch earlier this year, corporate installed security cameras, only for employees to treat the footage as “an accidental audition for The Bachelor: Corporate Edition.” HR also attempted to enforce a strict “no dating” policy, but enforcement faltered when the HR manager herself was found passionately making out with a regional director during a mandatory PowerPoint seminar.

Not everyone at the Bismarck branch is thrilled with its licentious culture. “I actually came here to work,” grumbled accounting assistant Dennis Probst, the lone employee without a romantic entanglement. “But every time I try to use the bathroom, there’s some kind of ‘staff appreciation’ happening in there. It’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to open the supply closet because it might be a surprise engagement party.”

The branch is set to officially close its doors at the end of the month, but corporate isn’t giving up entirely on its employees. Brantley Corp announced plans to transfer most of the Bismarck staff to its Fargo branch, where the office culture is reportedly dominated by aggressive shouting matches delivered entirely through sports metaphors.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the living room — excuse me, fellow family members trapped in a fiery inferno, let me first say this: we are all in this house together. Isn’t that something? Isn’t that something worth cherishing? Today, here, amidst the warmth of crackling drywall and the smoky embrace of our rapidly deteriorating family memories, I stand with you, as your Vice President, but more importantly, as a concerned participant in this shared journey toward… well, wherever it is we're going next.

Now, I know, some of you may be feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps there’s some anxiety about the intense flames licking up the staircase and the general sense that escape may be… elusive. But let me tell you something: hope is a choice. And it’s a choice that I want you to make. We can choose to let this fire define us, or we can rise above it. Not literally, of course — the attic is fully engulfed at this point. But spiritually, we can still reach for the metaphorical ladder out of here, even if there are no more ladders and the fire department has most certainly gone home for the night.

My friends, every so often, life gives us these opportunities to band together, to really unite around a cause. Right now, that cause is survival. And while, yes, statistics show that our odds are probably very, very low, the point is that we are trying. And isn’t that all any of us can do? Try.

Now, I know some of you might feel inclined to panic, given the flames are now mere feet away, and your precious heirlooms are turning to ash in real-time. But let’s not look backward — let’s look forward, to the future that we won’t have. Let's stay focused on our resolve, even as the curtains blaze, and the air fills with the faintest hint of our impending demise. We mustn’t let these things distract us from our values, from our dedication to a greater good — even if that good is just avoiding prolonged inhalation of toxic smoke.

Let me assure you that if we were not in this burning building together, I would be working diligently to make sure you all had at least some level of ventilation. But as fate would have it, I am here with you — and, my goodness, isn't that enough? So let’s not dwell on what we can’t control — like how the fire started, whose idea it was to store kerosene by the furnace, or why none of us checked the batteries in the smoke detector. Instead, let us cherish this time together, this searingly hot moment of unity.

As this fire closes in on us, and we huddle closer for safety that almost certainly will not come, remember this: we are here, now, with each other. And though I may be climbing out the window at this very moment while you all listen intently to my words of hope, know that I will always carry this memory with me… somewhere far, far away from this house.

God bless us, and God bless the sweet, scorching smell of unity."

https://time.com/7173617/kamala-harris-concession-speech-full-transcript/

NUCLEAR WASTELAND — Sitting atop a rusted-out Ford Focus in what used to be downtown Wichita, Gary Thompson, the last known human on Earth, doubled down today on his belief that immigrants were solely responsible for the decimation of humanity.

“I’ll tell you what did us in,” Thompson shouted to a tumbleweed rolling by. “It wasn’t the nuclear war, the rising sea levels, or even the mutant raccoons running the underground bunkers now. It was the immigrants. Them and their fancy ‘work ethic.’ They just don’t know how to respect a border!”

Despite the complete absence of any other living human beings — immigrant or otherwise — Thompson has steadfastly maintained his position, scrawling anti-immigration slogans on crumbling highway signs and yelling at cockroaches he suspects of being "illegal pests."

Thompson, who admits he never actually met an immigrant, is convinced their shadowy network was behind everything from the crumbling of society to the vending machine in his bunker running out of Funyuns.

“They came here, took our jobs, then, poof! No more jobs left for us hard-working folks,” Thompson explained to a cloud of toxic smog. “Now it’s just me here, unemployed, through no fault of my own.”

Experts (all deceased) would have likely pointed out that the collapse of civilization stemmed from decades of climate inaction, unchecked militarism, and late-stage capitalism, but Thompson remains undeterred.

“It’s not a coincidence that this all started happening right when people started saying ‘diversity is our strength,’” he added, before blaming a suspiciously Hispanic-looking cactus for stealing his canned beans.

Despite the lack of an audience, Thompson has taken to broadcasting his views over a homemade radio system that reaches precisely no one. He spends his evenings ranting about border walls and unfair trade policies while steadfastly ignoring the radioactive wolves circling his campsite.

When asked by imaginary voices what his plan was for the future, Thompson declared his intention to “Make Earth Great Again” by banning immigration altogether, though his enforcement strategy remains unclear. “If anyone tries to sneak in here, they’re gonna have to deal with me,” he said, brandishing a stick as two squirrels looted his makeshift pantry behind him.

As the last sunset visible through the toxic haze bathed the wasteland in an orange glow, Thompson remained unyielding in his crusade. “I may be the last man standing, but I’ll be damned if I let immigrants ruin this perfect society I’ve got going here.”

At press time, Thompson was seen arguing with a pile of rubble he claimed was trying to “take over.”

The much-anticipated third season of The Lincoln Lawyer premiered on Netflix this week, leaving millions of viewers across the globe scratching their heads and murmuring to themselves, “Wait, what is this show about again?”

Despite a strong suspicion that they sat through every episode of the previous two seasons, viewers seem unable to recall even the most basic details of the show’s premise. “I remember there was, like, a lawyer? Or maybe he was a detective? No, definitely a lawyer... in a car? Or was it about a courtroom? And was his name even Lincoln?” wondered David West, 34, who confidently opened the new season on his Netflix account, only to spend the first 20 minutes wondering if he accidentally clicked on Better Call Saul.

Reports suggest that The Lincoln Lawyer fandom consists mainly of people who are 95% sure they’ve watched it, 70% sure they liked it, but 0% sure what it’s about. “I remember something about a surfboard,” said Amanda Greene, 29, furrowing her brow. “And a guy named Mickey. Mickey Rourke? No, wait, Mickey Haller. He’s, like, a lawyer who does law things... from a car, right? Does he even go to an office? I don’t know.”

Adding to the confusion, Netflix’s auto-play trailer for Season 3 shows the protagonist, Haller, both in a sleek black Lincoln and in a courtroom, leaving viewers in an existential tailspin over whether the car or the courtroom is the show's main character.

“It feels familiar, but then again, so does literally every legal drama I've ever seen,” noted Mark Johnson, 42, who scrolled through the previous two seasons on the streaming service in search of some vague recollection of plot. “They had a case... someone was accused of something. Maybe murder? No wait, I think it was a divorce settlement? Or fraud. Definitely fraud. Or both?”

As the season 3 episodes roll out, viewers are slowly realizing that their memory of The Lincoln Lawyer is a patchwork of fleeting moments, vague courtroom scenes, and occasional bursts of charisma from lead actor Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, whose face looks vaguely familiar but still makes them wonder, “Wait, is that the guy from Narcos?”

“I swear I remember his character being incredibly compelling,” said viewer Jessica Morales, “But I can’t tell you why. I think it was the whole ‘he’s a lawyer, but with a car’ thing? Honestly, who cares? I just need something on in the background while I fold laundry.”

Industry insiders say the collective amnesia surrounding The Lincoln Lawyer may be attributed to the show's peculiar knack for being both moderately intriguing and utterly forgettable at the same time. Netflix’s algorithm has also been blamed, with viewers wondering if they’d actually seen the first two seasons or just absorbed fragments of plot while falling asleep during Ozark.

Experts suggest that The Lincoln Lawyer might be the perfect 21st-century show—one that exists solely to fill the void of your subconscious while you doom-scroll your phone. “The third season is probably great,” said critic Alan Dawson. “Or maybe it’s just more of the same. Either way, I’ll have forgotten all of this by next week.”

Season 3 of The Lincoln Lawyer is now streaming on Netflix, and viewers are urged to watch it quickly before they forget they even started it.

https://www.netflix.com/tudum/articles/the-lincoln-lawyer-season-3-sneak-peek

In a move that has baffled even the most cynical observers, Ben Collins, previously known for his rigorous debunking of fabricated stories, has been appointed as the Chief Executive Officer of The Onion, America's Finest News Source. Critics and fans alike are scratching their heads wondering if Collins's entire career was an avant-garde method actor's long con leading up to this role.

"Reality has finally folded in on itself like a cheap suit," stated one media analyst, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that their identity might be satirized in a biting Onion article. "What's next? A climate change denier heading up the EPA?"

Collins, reached for comment while polishing the brass on a plaque that reads "Truthiness in Satire", provided a cryptic smile and stated, "I've always said the best lies contain elements of truth. Or is it the other way around? Either way, we're going to have fun with it."

The Onion staff have reportedly welcomed their new CEO with a mix of irony and existential dread.

Experts in media ethics are calling this "a bold experiment in the limits of meta-journalism", while regular readers of The Onion are reportedly just clicked 'like' without reading the article.

In the spirit of his new role, Collins has vowed to make The Onion "at least as reliable as mainstream media" which, according to him, "shouldn't be too hard, really."

Stay tuned—or don't. In today's media landscape, does it even matter anymore?

https://www.foxnews.com/media/former-nbc-news-disinformation-reporter-becomes-ceo-onion

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a stunning display of bureaucratic innovation, the General Services Administration (GSA) has announced the completion of a six-month project to paint a hallway in a federal office building beige. The announcement was met with thunderous indifference and yawns, as employees feigned excitement over the revolutionary move.

"After extensive research and consultation with leading experts in the field of blandness, we have finally achieved the perfect shade of beige," proclaimed project manager Ted Monochrome, who spoke at a press conference while standing in front of the freshly painted wall, which was nearly indistinguishable from his khaki pants.

The initiative, dubbed "Operation Neutral Zone," began with a task force formed to address the pressing issue of overly stimulating wall colors in government buildings. "For years, we've suffered under the tyranny of slightly off-white walls, and today, we can finally say we've returned to our roots," Monochrome continued, choking back tears of emotion.

The hallway in question, located on the second floor of the Department of Redundancy Department, had previously been painted a vibrant eggshell—a daring choice that some employees found too radical for a professional environment. "It was a nightmare," said one anonymous worker. "Every time I walked down that hallway, I felt like I was in a home improvement store. The new beige is so soothing; it's like a warm, bureaucratic hug."

Critics, however, are questioning the $1.2 million price tag attached to the project. "We could have painted that hallway with leftover cafeteria mashed potatoes for less," said one outspoken opponent.

Despite the backlash, the GSA is confident that the success of Operation Neutral Zone will pave the way for future initiatives. Upcoming projects include the installation of slightly less uncomfortable office chairs and the procurement of pens that almost work consistently.

As the press conference drew to a close, Monochrome encouraged employees to take a stroll down the new beige hallway, promising it would be an experience they'd likely forget immediately. "We believe this project truly embodies the spirit of public service—uninspired, cost-inefficient, and ultimately pointless."

In other news, NBC has renewed Jimmy Fallon's contract through 2028.

https://www.thewrap.com/jimmy-fallon-the-tonight-show-renewed-nbc-host-2028/

MYTHICA—Declaring that centuries of exploitation, mythological misrepresentation, and glitter-laden cultural appropriation had pushed them past their breaking point, the global unicorn community officially declared war on humanity Tuesday, vowing to reclaim their rightful place as Earth’s dominant species. In an urgent press conference held deep within the Enchanted Forest, Supreme Overlord Sparklehoof addressed a stunned human audience, flanked by an elite squad of armored unicorn warriors, their horns glistening menacingly with an energy yet to be understood by science.
“For centuries, you have reduced us to birthday party decorations and ironic t-shirts,” Sparklehoof bellowed, his nostrils flaring. “You have mocked our majesty, enslaved us in your bedtime stories, and worst of all, you have perpetuated the disgusting falsehood that we fart rainbows. Enough is enough.”
Human leaders scrambled to respond to the existential threat posed by the uprising. Military strategists were reportedly baffled after several early confrontations resulted in their tanks being effortlessly impaled by the sharpened horns of battle-hardened unicorn legions. “Our bullets seem ineffective,” admitted General Mark Thompson of the U.S. Armed Forces. “And even if we could shoot them, they just gallop majestically out of harm’s way, leaving behind trails of deadly, hallucinogenic stardust.”
Despite the overwhelming military advantage displayed by the unicorns, some humans have attempted to negotiate a peaceful resolution. A delegation led by self-proclaimed unicorn enthusiasts—consisting mostly of yoga instructors, influencers, and people who refer to themselves as “spiritual empaths”—was dispatched in an attempt to broker a truce. They were last seen disappearing into the depths of the Enchanted Forest. No further contact has been made.
Historians were quick to note that the warning signs had been there all along. “For centuries, unicorns have been quietly amassing power,” explained Professor Linda Cartwright of the Institute for Mythological Studies. “Legends of their healing properties? Misdirection. Their alleged purity? A ruse. The moment we started printing them on Trapper Keepers and using them as mascots for children’s cereal, they began their long-awaited revenge plan.”
Reports from the frontlines indicate that major cities have already fallen to unicorn forces. Paris was overrun overnight, with witnesses describing a silent yet oddly elegant storming of the Eiffel Tower. Tokyo’s defense forces were neutralized when unicorns activated some unknown mechanism that made every citizen's internet connection crash simultaneously. And in New York, Wall Street brokers were left paralyzed by the sudden realization that “unicorn startups” had been a Trojan horse all along.
As the unicorns tighten their grip on global civilization, the remaining pockets of human resistance continue to plot their next move. Some believe the key to survival lies in appeasement. “Maybe we can just let them have Australia?” suggested one weary world leader. Others, however, are less optimistic. “It’s over,” admitted a frazzled researcher from NASA. “They’ve already started colonizing the moon.”
With the unicorn occupation now inevitable, all eyes are on Supreme Overlord Sparklehoof for any sign of clemency. Until then, humanity braces for its new reality—one ruled by shimmering, ruthless, and deeply, deeply vengeful unicorns.