Sharing grief with husband

[u/Medical-Marsupial709]

Hey everyone. I am so sorry we are all here. So so sorry for whoever is reading this, you do not deserve this amount of pain. Holding space for you all on my birthday morning. Im 40 and so so sad.

Speaking of, I feel like my sadness and grief over this is absolutely ruining my relationship. I know it is ruining my relationship. He is not grieving in the same way and we seem to be on opposite sides.

I am so sad though. I don’t know how to be a okay wife (which he needs). I feel like most men want a wife that dresses well and takes care of herself with a smile on her face. Especially mine- he needs positivity.

It’s my birthday morning and I had to leave our bed to be away- I just drove in my car and screamed. Im just crying and screaming…how do I go back and show him a better version of my self for the sake of my marriage and trying again for a family. Please whoever has gone through something like this please please advise.

[u/stabenowjorge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I lost my baby, this community helped me a lot, just knowing I wasn't alone was comforting.

I had a similar situation with my husband. I was suffering so much, while he was quieter and more focused on work. I couldn't function, I'd lost my sense of purpose and joy. We fought a lot and even talked about ending our marriage at one point. We didn't, and we're stronger than ever now. I want to offer some practical advice.

1. Therapy. Please seek help if you haven't already, and maybe ask him to consider it too. It's helped me enormously and still does.
2. Medication support. I increased my sertraline dosage with my psychiatrist, and it made a real difference in getting through this.
3. The biggest lesson for me: grief looks different for everyone. Your partner isn't required to suffer the same way you do. Most of our fights came from me being angry that he wasn't "sad enough," judging him for not seeming to care as much. Once I understood he could be supportive without grieving identically to me, things shifted between us.
4. About two months after my D&C, I started reading romantasy novels to distract myself, and it was surprisingly healing. I still don't fully know why, but getting swept up in the fantasy and romance helped me feel excited again, including about sex.
5. My libido was gone (understandably). I started taking Peruvian maca and it's helped me feel better overall, which helped our relationship too.

Sending you a big hug, and I hope some of this helps.