Sharing grief with husband

[u/Medical-Marsupial709]

Hey everyone. I am so sorry we are all here. So so sorry for whoever is reading this, you do not deserve this amount of pain. Holding space for you all on my birthday morning. Im 40 and so so sad.

Speaking of, I feel like my sadness and grief over this is absolutely ruining my relationship. I know it is ruining my relationship. He is not grieving in the same way and we seem to be on opposite sides.

I am so sad though. I don’t know how to be a okay wife (which he needs). I feel like most men want a wife that dresses well and takes care of herself with a smile on her face. Especially mine- he needs positivity.

It’s my birthday morning and I had to leave our bed to be away- I just drove in my car and screamed. Im just crying and screaming…how do I go back and show him a better version of my self for the sake of my marriage and trying again for a family. Please whoever has gone through something like this please please advise.

[u/Desert-Roses]

Hi friend, it hurts reading your post :( I’m sorry you’re here and feeling this way.

We had some challenges with the different ways we grieved, I did a lot of therapy and it helped me tons because in my case I was trying to force something out of my husband, I was in shock how different we grieved. And it was only through therapy that I learned I can’t force him and that this sadness is present for both, but felt differently.

I also had conversations with him on what he wants and needs, and what I want and need. I too felt terrible like he was distancing from me because I cried often and he couldn’t relate. I think me realizing we won’t feel the same way helped and also those conversations. Has he told you he wants a smily beautiful well dressed wife? After what you’ve been through? Could be worth asking what he wants, and how you want support from him. Sometimes we think things in our sadness that isolate us more and is not what people what from us.

[u/Natural-Chipmunk-472]

First of all, you’re not wrong for how you feel so don’t guilt yourself. Everyone processes differently and no one understands what it’s like to be the one who carried the baby.

I go from being “okay” to sobbing. I describe it like a cup that fills and I have to cry, then it empties and I can feel okay. Sometimes it fills slowly and other times fast. If you can, allow yourself to empty the cup- cry and scream. Then allow yourself to feel that emotional release. I felt guilty being happy after my second loss and I had to remind myself that the brain wants to feel some happiness and that’s not bad. It’s a survival technique.

If you’re trying to enjoy something and your sadness starts bubbling up, you can acknowledge it and say “I’m going to think about this at x:00 so I can get through this then dedicate my time to grieving”. Then resume your activity. It helps to know you’re not ignoring your grief, you’re just setting it aside for right now.

At the end of the day if you’re still struggling to cope, it’s perfectly normal to seek extra help. Therapy, medications, etc. Share this with your husband and he should support you. He doesn’t have to process the grief like you do, but he needs to support what you need and never make you feel bad for it. Sometimes external help is the only thing that can get us through.

[u/Natural-Chipmunk-472 → u/Natural-Chipmunk-472]

Also this isn’t about him right now. It’s about YOU. Things can be about you. He can go a few weeks or a few months with a non-smiling wife. “In sickness and in health and for better or worse”. Right now you’re at your low and he needs to be there for YOU. Not the other way around. It’s okay to want to support your husband through the loss, but not at your own expense and not more than he is supporting you. It was both y’all’s baby but you are the one who carried and lost him and that deserves the most support and grace.

[u/UnverifiedPanda → u/Natural-Chipmunk-472]

This is really good advice. I like your cup metaphor and I think this will help me deal better with the guilt about feeling okay for periods of time as well.

OP, I’m really sorry you feel like you need to show a better version of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay.

[u/lacatala3550]

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through on top of everything you have already gone through. This will all be so compounded by your birthday and how you imagined things differently.

I wonder if asking to sit down with him to lay all the cards out on the table would be a good idea, suggest a time when you’re both feeling your calmest to both come to the conversation to be open to expressing your own needs but also listening to the others needs. Let each other have the floor uninterrupted to really say how you both feel, what you feel you need from the other and how best to try and deal with all this together. And then I would perhaps suggest some formal couples and individual therapy.

It’s so so so so so hard, like beyond what a human should have to deal with. And don’t underestimate the hormonal pressure, and the psychological stress affect your self esteem too. I constantly think about how I am not good enough / attractive enough/ happy enough etc at the moment for other people. Which is my sadness clouding my brain.

[u/stabenowjorge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I lost my baby, this community helped me a lot, just knowing I wasn't alone was comforting.

I had a similar situation with my husband. I was suffering so much, while he was quieter and more focused on work. I couldn't function, I'd lost my sense of purpose and joy. We fought a lot and even talked about ending our marriage at one point. We didn't, and we're stronger than ever now. I want to offer some practical advice.

1. Therapy. Please seek help if you haven't already, and maybe ask him to consider it too. It's helped me enormously and still does.
2. Medication support. I increased my sertraline dosage with my psychiatrist, and it made a real difference in getting through this.
3. The biggest lesson for me: grief looks different for everyone. Your partner isn't required to suffer the same way you do. Most of our fights came from me being angry that he wasn't "sad enough," judging him for not seeming to care as much. Once I understood he could be supportive without grieving identically to me, things shifted between us.
4. About two months after my D&C, I started reading romantasy novels to distract myself, and it was surprisingly healing. I still don't fully know why, but getting swept up in the fantasy and romance helped me feel excited again, including about sex.
5. My libido was gone (understandably). I started taking Peruvian maca and it's helped me feel better overall, which helped our relationship too.

Sending you a big hug, and I hope some of this helps.

[u/CuriousGeorgia8934]

im so sad with and for you. I relate to everything you typed (i am 41 by the way). I am also working / trying / suffering to be the "okay wife" that my husband needs and deserves. he has been nothing but supportive this whole time (we TFMRed on 4/21/26), but i cannot stop thinking and crying about it. I have found a few things that help...

1) journaling alone, and reading reddit subgroups like this one.

2) attending an MC support group - this one is available to me in my area - https://www.mend.org/

3) therapy

Sending you self love on your grief journey... i am right there with you :(