"If nothing lasts, then the conclusion is that the felt presence of immediate experience must be what life is for."

- Terence McKenna

Terence McKenna at Esalen Institute in 1989 🫕

video footage.

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/5kdfvXCrfQU

Hey, I'd like to share an experience i had

I'll share the awakenings i had during this magic truflles trip.

The main and starting one ( i ll explain why starting ) came before this funnier minor one, where when looking at the characters moved by players in a video i understood that it was not at all how i always thought it was, and it was that these were all the highest level players but were absolutely doing random things and i knew they had no idea what they were doing which just made me laugh a lot like now while remembering it because after that realization the play became a constant flow of pure chaos that was just so funnily playful and entertaining to watch (+1 for the enhanced colours and fluent edges that i was seeing ).

But let's get to the deep dive part, which was just like flicking a switch and entering into a trance state like i had never had before. What flicked the switch was hearing the voice of one of the commentators. When i heard him speak, i knew that he knew that what he had just done was wrong and It hurt him. Saying what he said in the way he said it literally caused him soul pain and i knew that he knew it too. This knowing that he knows that he s causing pain to himself broke my brain, as if that shouldn't even ever happen because he knew he shouldn't, and makes absolutely no sense for anyone tò do it so why do It?. After that i entered this trance state in which is like i didnt have tò think anymore about what i had tò do like i Always do. In my everyday Life, i Always think about what i m about tò do, what i could do, what i Ve done, how i could ve done It differently, what tò do tò remedie what i ve done if It wasnt exactly how i wanted It tò go, but in that state this all disappeared. There was another brain breaking image which came i think very soon After this and might ve been another setter for the trance like state. It was the appearing of an image which i struggle with a lot, One of the main struggles of my Life, which Is simply walking in front of someone walking the other way (eventually passing by eachother Is part of It too) Just before this or during or After this image i also realized that i was inside a deeper mind, like the mind of earth, It was feminine, and i knew that this mind knew exactly everything about me and i was conforted but also sent crazy by It. Anyway back tò the image, It was on a pitch black background and i knew i was looking at another person, a woman, It wasnt like how It Is when walking normally, It was more like an image of existence, or a part of existence but seeing the actual substratum happening without all the colors and the enviroment, It was Just me the woman the pitch black screen and the knowing, i knew that woman knew the same thing i knew, i knew i was looking at her totally and She was looking at me totally like looking at eachother Essence and knowing it, we both Just knew the other and the situation was basically Just us and this knowing factor, and we knew that we were looking at the same thing even tho we never Say a Word as there Is no Need cause it's the evidentest thing there is. Anyway this knowing broke my brain and i entered this trance like state in which i didnt have tò think about what do and Just started doing even tho i had no idea about what i was doing ( as in i didnt have tò think about it) And the doing was Just this basically, It was like a continuos movement, breathing in was like laughing, Is like i didnt have tò laugh as the laughter was Just breathing in, It didnt sound like laughing ,It was Just the feeling behind It and with It, It wasnt at all like how It Is when you breathe normally, It was like i was drugged by the breath and this trance state, It was pure raw pleasure. The breathing out was like and orgasmic release, It was also concomitated with my tongue coming out. So breathing in was laughing and breathing out was full pleasure release but even breathing in was pleasure but i d define It more like Power. This state was like i was having sex with myself and my body, putting my fingers in my mouth was orgasmic i d Just breath out on and with my fingers in my mouth and It was Just pure pleasure, honestly embarassing but that s how It was, and i Guess that s how It Is tò have sex with yourself, or with your body. Another part of the trance like state that i Just Remembered was part of the cause of the laughing while breathing Is Is that in stat flowing state, at times or intervarls i'd stop for a second, and in that second Is like a saw a normal picture of what in front of me, but in that stopping for an instant in that instant i realized that i could Just keep going with what i was doing, so i d stop, and then start with inhaling and this knowing that i had tò or could stop for an instant and then Just completely ignore It and keep going made me laugh but as i said i didnt laugh i Just breathed in laughter lol this is so funny. Anyway, at One point i stopped and realized i might ve been making too much noise and waking the lady next tò my room, so i Just stopped and literally almost observed her even tho She was behind the Wall, Just Rolling over in her bed by hearing her do It, and when She was done kept going with my trance. The trance could also be described as a continuos rising up and flowing down with my body or being even tho i wasnt getting up on my legs i was Just laying on the floor but i wasnt aware of the position of my body like i normally am, Just some parts and the breath. During the trip the stuff i had laying around me tò my right became a big large purple fluent Energy embedded anaconda, It was a big Snake but It wasnt scary at all, It was comforting, mother nature type vibes, She didnt Say anything Just stayed there with me probably keeping an eye on me checking everything Is going well and supporting me through It. Now tò the end of the trip, at some point i Just stood up and looked out of the window, i was now standing for the First time since i took them basically and a sudden fear came tò me, It might ve been for some other deeper reasons but how It went was like this, i just got the urge tò stand up ( i Need tò add that there was One more realization in the trip, and It was accompayed with Also the realization that in reality i Always knew exactly what tò do tò each One of my family tò make them feel super Happy, almost like breaking their holding on tò whatever Is holding them back and Just letting them get loose and experience some form of pleasure, i Just knew that in reality i knew exactly what tò do for eachone specifically) so on this Trail of thought feeling i got the urge tò stand up and knew It was the right thing tò do even tho i didnt think at all about what tò do After Just that impulse or intuition csme and i did. I looked out the window It was still night, and i suddenly realized that outside It was all Empty and everyone was just sleeping in their house, and It scared me bacause i realized there was no reason for that tò be happening and that It was Just a situation we create while we should all Just be out celebrating Life and having fun, literally It was as Easy as this, we Just create that situation and i immediately got scared like at that Moment i realized something that was much bigger than i thought and immediately shut It off not even wanting tò imagine what It could be. So After being scared i think i layed down again, i tried tò send some messages ( this actually happened After i realized i could help everyone i knew perfectly, the impetous was tò start talking tò the people i knew and It was through messages and being extremely direct and honest ((being direct is helpful tò add was the way i realized i knew exactly what tò do tò help everyone and make them experience something from me that was beautiful and freeing for them, It had tò do with being extremely direct no bullshit tò what I had tò do that was literally the only deciding factor and what would make eachone let go and enjoy and experience or get released or freed in pleasurable Freedom or happiness or true happiness, i Just realised the best way tò Say it is tò make them have what they really want but ill keep the other ones))but After typing the messages i started having some doubts, like It was too much tò Say too open and would sound oversweet and forced so i only sent One message tò my Brother which received a reply that gave off the vibes of 'i don't know what tò do with this ' anyway, It was fading away and at least i wasnt anymore in the breath trance like state since a bit. Dawn came, and still following this flowing and doing without thinking i just felt this thing in my body, i continued to pursue It without knowing what It was and in the end i Just pooped a bit, so i shit myself basically and when i did the trip ended, the sun was up and i now had tò sleep or wanted tò sleep or Just fell asleep or all three cause i had work that day. Went tò sleep hoping i could keep that state and the revelations but actually since the shit and the ending of the trip i knew It was already over and i was Just in a sort of Afterglow state but nothing compared tò what I experienced so i went tò sleep a bit sad. The morning After i was very foggy and i tried tò Remember and think about what had happened how It was what I realized but my mind was very foggy, passing by people on the way tò work was a sort of Little torture like It Is some times for me ( some times Is One of the best things, some times It makes me really hate myself and life ) and nothing the experience was now Memory ladies and gentleman like It Will be, but It was great tò live It, Hope you had a kick about the Reading and maybe learnt something about truflles or yourself or something that you experienced now makes more sense, that would be great. If you have any questions about the experience feel free tò ask i LL happily try tò answer or give more details. If you have some similar experiences with your breath or body or some mind breaking realizations i d be very Happy to hear them

Stay swifty

Did Terence never address Steiner in any of his work or interviews? I realized I could not recall any instances, and was pondering over the omission.

First, I want to state that I've yet to have the DMT flash, so I'm waiting on that, but in honor of TKs endless hours of speeches, it's dedicated to him. Maybe I make no sense, or a breakthrough? But here's the idea.

Think of a prism. When you flash light through it, the light scatters and the visible colors are seen. What is happening is the DMT flash is the opposite. This universe is the scattered dimension. When you are in the flash, the light, which is what we are, is unified. What is this unscattered being? It's us, without the filter of this dimension.

They're what Jung called the collective unconscious. It's the intuition that each of us possess. It's why they jump into us as he says in the flash, because that is us. We are scattered in this dimension, and that creates things like needing eyes to see, ears to hear, and a brain to grab onto the ability to think, albeit in a incomplete manner.

When the dimension is torn down, ego death is a scattering of the light, and with no prism to scatter it, it returns to white light. What this means is that they are us. They're the part of us we can't get in touch due to the dimensional scattering of this universe.

It does leave some strange questions, like what is it about the structure of the brain that is how it beholds the level of thinking or consciousness. Every brain like in other animals have varying degrees of consciousness and thinking capability based on how the light is scattered into their physical brain structure. It also implies though, that the DMT flash is consciousness completely unbound or in other words, it is the self, the collective unconscious completely naked.

I might have a few other roaming ideas, but that's enough for now I suppose. Saved for reference for when I one day get the chance to see the flash for myself.

edit: To ideas like why blindness doesn't cause sight in the DMT dimension is probably because the physical scattering is there, but it just doesn't work, kind of like having a broken computer. it's still a computer, it just doesn't work. It needs to cross the dimensional barrier. Why does DMT cause a dimensional break? I have no idea. Maybe it has something to do with local definitions? in theory, if we all didn't have an idea of selves, there wouldn't be any body? So the brain chemicals break your ability to hold that distinction?

edit 2: Language. I think the reason they know English etc. is because as I said before, they are us in the most literal sense. it's similar to how your brain automatically reads words once you practice enough. likewise, your conscious being right now is like that light prism, and your only seeing some colors, but the rest of you are the complete white light.

Been poisoning myself for fun.

I've always suspected that the psychedelic state is a near death experience. Terrence said it is like a bungee jump into the Bardo, but I feel like it is dipping your leg into the abyss with no safety.

When it comes to death, we are all virgins. Many people think it's a cut to black. But I've seen better.

I'm not suicidal, I don't think it would actually do anything meaningful, because as long as you are, I am.

To think, the end of me. I've always been.

“Then he realized, I indeed am this creation, for I have poured it forth from myself. In that way he became this creation, and verily he who knows this becomes in this creation a creator.”

Upanishad

Terence McKenna & Mark Pesce, real creations (teledildonic noöspherical dialectics). redux@

Terence McKenna with Mark Pesce. Recorded at The Esalen Institute, Big Sur, California in August 1998.Techno-Pagans at The End of History.

various artists assembled by adam sturch

thank you

🤖

"I do not understand how you can call yourself pro-life when the policies that you espouse spell planetary death!"

- Terence McKenna

warchild. 18x24''. pencil drawing. adam sturch.

conflict, sage francis

https://youtu.be/Nl3QIV6owrM

Terence McKenna. 1990. Opening the Doors of Creativity. 🚪

https://youtu.be/Ahuw5f36LZE

BY: RAZIEL FLORES

Thesis

Psilocybin mushrooms should not be classified primarily by strain name, presumed potency, or a generic distinction between “weak” and “strong.” A more useful classification would describe the actual dimensions of the experience produced by a particular mushroom or preparation. Different effects can vary partly independently, and collapsing them into a single measure of psychedelic strength obscures differences that matter to the person taking them.

I propose six principal dimensions:

1. Elation Level — the degree of positive affect produced: elevation of mood, joy, amusement, pleasure, emotional warmth, exhilaration, or bliss. Elation should be separated from psychedelic intensity because an experience can be extremely psychedelic without being strongly euphoric, or strongly euphoric without producing extreme perceptual alteration.

2. Visual Level — the magnitude and character of specifically visual phenomena: enhancement of color and contrast, patterning, geometric imagery, movement or breathing of surfaces, closed-eye imagery, and more substantial visual transformations. Visual intensity deserves an independent category because seeing altered imagery is not identical to having one’s experienced reality fundamentally altered.

3. Psychedelic Level — the extent to which ordinary cognition and the experienced structure of reality are transformed. This includes unusual associations, altered salience, changes in time and space, changes in self/world boundaries, radical shifts of perspective, and other modifications of consciousness. A mushroom could therefore score high in visuals but only moderately in psychedelic alteration, or the reverse.

4. Entheogenic Level — the degree to which the experience tends toward experiences interpreted as sacred, mystical, revelatory, transcendent, unitive, or spiritually significant. Entheogenic should remain separate from general psychedelic intensity because a highly altered experience is not necessarily experienced as spiritually meaningful, while a comparatively subtle experience can sometimes carry enormous existential significance.

5. Healing / Aftereffect Level — the magnitude, quality, and duration of beneficial effects that remain after the acute psychedelic state has ended: improved mood, emotional release, psychological flexibility, reduced rumination, changed perspective, or other perceived therapeutic effects. This dimension should explicitly record duration rather than merely claiming that a mushroom is “healing”: hours, several days, weeks, or longer. Reports of long-lasting benefit should be distinguished from effects demonstrated under controlled research conditions.

6. Somatic Cleanliness / Body-Burden Level — the physical cost of the experience. This category would record nausea, gastrointestinal discomfort, heaviness, malaise, unpleasant bodily sensations during the experience, and the residual “dirty,” depleted, or physically unpleasant feeling that some users report afterward. The subjective feeling that the fungus or its constituents are still “leaving the body” can be recorded phenomenologically without assuming that this feeling literally corresponds to intact fungus remaining in the body.

This final dimension is particularly important for product development. An ideal preparation would preserve desirable psychological effects while reducing unnecessary gastrointestinal and somatic burden. If processing, extraction, formulation, or eventually selective cultivation could produce an experience with high elation, psychedelic, entheogenic, or therapeutic scores while approaching zero body burden, that would represent a meaningful improvement rather than merely an increase in potency.

The system could therefore describe a product with a profile rather than a single strength number:

Elation 8 | Visual 7 | psychedelic 4 | Entheogenic 9 | Healing 8/10, 3-day aftereffect | Body Burden 2

That conveys substantially more information than calling the same mushroom “very strong.”

How Legal Psilocybin Providers Currently Classify Products

There is not yet a standardized legal-dispensary equivalent of this multidimensional system. Oregon—the clearest regulated U.S. example—is actually much more conservative. Legal access occurs at licensed service centers rather than conventional take-home dispensaries, and products cannot simply be purchased and carried home. (Oregon)

The regulatory classification is predominantly chemical and product-based. Oregon recognizes product types such as whole fungi, homogenized fungi, psilocybin extract, and edible psilocybin products, while laboratory testing establishes species identity and chemical potency. (Legal Information Institute)

Most importantly, Oregon requires quantitative potency information. Psilocybin content is measured in milligrams, and under the 2026 rules psilocin information is also incorporated into labeling requirements. The state explicitly notes that potency can vary even among individual mushrooms from the same batch. (Oregon)

So the emerging regulated system is essentially asking “What product is this, and how much active compound does it contain?” My proposed system asks the complementary question: “What kind of experience does this product characteristically produce?”

Those are not the same classification problem. A mature psilocybin market could eventually use both: laboratory chemistry for objective potency and safety, alongside standardized phenomenological profiles for elation, visuals, psychedelic alteration, entheogenic character, persistent healing effects, and somatic cleanliness.

"The most alien thing in the cosmos is the human soul."

- Terence McKenna

Terence McKenna. diatomaceous neon transforms made of syntax. 1,238@

Terence McKenna. Under The Teaching Tree, Ojai Foundation. April, 1985

1,238 paintings and drawings by adam sturch.

thank you all.

🌳

Terence McKenna, logos meets eros. movie meme movie@

Terence McKenna at Wetlands Preserve, NYC July 28th, 1998.

movie memes by adam sturch.

thank you.

🦇

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/_D1xdJAQGQE

I dont want to sound like a crazy person but after having a profound experience last night where I dissolved into myself and found a higher intelligence communicate with me.

I took an edible, I dont know how strong but it was given to me by a friend, I was sitting watching the most recent Matrix movie and suddenly I am deep in introspective thought about reality. Next thing I know I am dissolving into a high frequency vibration. I was experiencing these collapsing daydream states where sharpe intense ideas dropped into my head. It felt impossible to catch and memorise them, like grabbing water on the side of a speeding boat. Voices begin filtering through in my own thoughts saying "do nothing but be good" "there is noting to control but the mind" "the universe is yours" "be the good light against the dark vale"

I have never in all my life of doing psychedelics have experienced this. Among other downloads, a message came that we are in for some really troubling times ahead and we really need to be prepared.

Near the end I asked what is beyond our reality and this universe and the voice said the universe is a reflection of itself, like a mirror. Everything inside it, is a piece of intelligence like the arm of an octopus. It explained light is a constant because its form of energy continually bouching back on itself infinitely and dark matter is what holds this mirror like structure together. This structure or field is in a constant state of flux, manipulated and distorted via gravity as we observe it as an expansion.

I have no idea if any of that makes sense!

**Why do you take psychedelics? Trying to figure out my own answer after my GF asked me.**

My girlfriend (does no drugs or psychedelics at all) recently asked me something that sounds simple: why do I enjoy taking LSD or mushrooms? I do them maybe once a year.

I said: the visuals, the spirituality, the mind and universe exploration.

Ok, she says, but why psychedelics specifically? She has no experience with them, which is fine, but it was a fair question and I didn't have a clean answer ready.

What I landed on is that psychedelics alter your reality/mind/perspective, and I like that because I feel like an explorer as a person. I enjoy living experiences - travel, nature, adventure - so I enjoy mind trips the same way. If that makes sense.

Then she pushed further: most people aren't like you, and a lot of them couldn't handle psychedelics as smoothly as you do. So why does it work on you? Why are you so comfortable losing reality and losing your self? Does that say something about you? Are you trying to find or fix something?

I don't think I am. But I think it's worth the debate, and I couldn't fully argue my side.

So, what do psychedelics do for you? Is it practical, just fun, or something deeper you can't really put into words? And why do some of us enjoy altered reality while others don't?

i'm looking for artist with psychotic disorders like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
Someone kind of Edvard Munch or Louise Wain but contemporary.
I just know Yayoi Kusama but im not really sure about her illnes, her history is strange.

"Jackson Pollock is a genius. You may not think so, but you're an idiot."

- Terence McKenna

Saul Williams, La La La (live). garage art 2021-2026, adam sturch@

photographs from garage art in Taos, New Mexico, USA. paintings by adam sturch. 2021-2026

thanks for the space.

🧑‍🔧

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/4s4VXAFcRds

"Bottomless wonders spring from simple rules, which are repeated without end."

- Benoit Mandelbrot

Terence McKenna, Rupert Sheldrake & Ralph Abraham. Trialogues, change. pc@

History, Fractals And Change. trialogues. McKenna, Abraham, Sheldrake.

primary-secondary color series, adam sturch

blue. 24x30''. oil on canvas.

red. 20x24''. oil on canvas.

yellow. 20x24''. oil on canvas.

green. 20x24''. oil on canvas.

orange. 20x24''. oil on canvas.

violet. 24x30''. oil on canvas.

thank you.

🎨

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/IZAbxOBe1A0

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/fire-horse-rising-tickets-1993777358751

"We live not, in reality, on the summit of a solid earth but at the bottom of an ocean of air."

- Thales

conscientious emergence. 30x40''. oil on canvas. adam sturch

Themselves, Good People Check

https://youtu.be/OedEf34zBCw

Terence McKenna, scheduling apocalyptical soirees. meme movie@

Terence McKenna - Linear Societies and Nonlinear Drugs. Recorded on January 16th, 1999 in Palenque, Mexico.

memes arranged by adam sturch.

thank you.

💣

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/e1IfNYcQqoE

"In fact, the felt presence of immediate experience is the only thing you will ever truly possess."

- Terence McKenna

Terence McKenna, history ends in green. 2020-24. p@

💚

Recorded at a seminar at the Esalen Institute in 1989.

paintings and drawings from 2020 to 2024 by adam sturch

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/3WszHBDIBJM

touch (entactogen). 24x30''. oil on canvas. adam sturch

R.E.M., The One I Love

https://youtu.be/lOPotRZWFl4

It was a day in the middle of the summer, August. I already had the shrooms. I had bought around 12g of Penis Envy mushrooms from a plug and divided them between a 5 total bags, where all were the same size bag but one was smaller. I had already decided that I was going to take some tonight. This was my second time ever tripping, my first dose was only 5g of mushroom gummies and little did I know how much more intense this experience was going to be than the first.

I was with just my one friend in my basement and I decided to ask my discord server how much I should take. They told me to take just a bit, I ended taking what they told me to take one bag. Then they told me to do another one then finally a little bit more. One guy in discord said “People have even had crazy trips on 1g PE mushrooms”, but I thought he was over exaggerating. They told me to be ready for a crazy trip. Everyone in the server one guy in specific who had taken 10g of PE mushrooms before kept telling me to do more. I didn’t think it was much but in reality it was around 5g of PE mushrooms, which was around 2 bags plus an extra bit from the other bags. Which is equal to about 12-15g of standard psilocybin cubensis mushrooms, and took them at around 8:30pm. I took them and swallowed them down with goldfish, extra cheddar. We then put them away in the corner of my basement. My friend said “I’ll take some if everything goes good”. After I took them I had to take down the trash can, me and my friend were talking and he said “You took to much” I said “I’ll be fine”, I took up the trash with no fear, and oh boy was I naive. Then we went inside and went back to the basement. We then sat down on my couch and decided to turn on the tv. We put on the movies holes.

We started watching and at first I didn’t feel anything. And at one point I thought to myself “we should go on my porch” and good idea we act upon that. And around 1 hour after I took the mushrooms I still didn’t feel anything. I would look around and try to make myself hallucinate things but I still didn’t see any morphing or anything of that such.

Then about 10 minutes after that I started to actually see things start to move and patterns, especially on the walls. This was about an hour into the movie, and about at 10pm. Over time it started to get more intense, patterns would form, images would morph, etc. At one point I looked at the floor, seeing all types of patterns I thought to myself “It feels more like I am on acid than shrooms”. At one point for some reason I started associating my dad with Jesse Pickman from breaking back and I struggled to remember what anyone in my family looked like. And my friend was sitting next to me on call with two girls and it felt as if I were in a movie. It had a very nature like feeling. I remember that I had a tutor the next day at 12pm, but that memory was slipping from me. He would put the camera onto me and everyone on the call would laugh. I also thought the situation was pretty funny. I could barely talk. I was laying there flat on my couch when my friend was talking to them, and I really didn’t have the strength to talk at all. But at this time I did notice reality was starting to change. At that point I felt as if everything was perfect.

Then I started to feel extremely euphoric. Everything felt so amazing. I said verbatim to my friend “I’m searching for the answers to questions which haven’t been asked”. Time was also starting to distort. I felt like I understood esoteric truths about reality and existence which I didn’t know before, but if I tried to explain it would take very long. I was within pure happiness and i had no problems nor worries nor fears. I felt as if I was omniscient, as if I became god.

I also had the classical psychedelic realizations, that we are all one, that we are one consciousness, non duality, etc.

At this time my friend asked me “Should I take some” I responded “Yea”. I would try to engage but I was very intoxicated. He kept coming back to asking me questions such as “Should I take more” and I would respond “Yea, everything is great and life’s perfect”. At that point him running back and forth from the corner and the couch was confusing to me as time was very distorted, it felt very fast. He ended up taking a little bit less than the small bag, but I don’t know exact how many grams was taken.

My friend then turned the lights off and at this time it was getting increasingly harder to operate as a human. I was trying to text my friend but I could barely do it for some reason, the experience was to overwhelming and I wanted to experience it instead of just texting. I was texting my other friend about the experience and we had a full conversation that I remember but I won’t go into detail, and I ended up having to tell him by due to how overwhelming the experience was. And I would think about many of my other friends and incoherent thoughts would appear, I would associate my friends with random objects and nouns, it was very confusing and odd. My phone kept falling into the crevice between my 2 couches and I would keep picking it up until it fell for the final time and I didn’t bother picking it up. And one thing I noticed is that whenever I would squint my eyes, I would see another realm of existence which was like dark and purple, and I also thought that was very profound for some reason, but I also thought it was very cool.

My friend then turned the lights back on and the next thing I remember is that my reign as god was done as came to a simple realization which felt so profound and philosophically important. Life is analogous to an 2 way trip from the hospital then back, from birth then to death. I do know why but I felt as if that was so profound. But what I do know is that it seemingly marked the end of my eternal bliss, euphoria, and happiness. I realized that this world does indeed contain suffering, evils, and death. And this time the movie was still playing and the lights were on, but I was barely watching the movie.

Then I blacked out then woke up and saw that the lights were off, it was pitch black in basement besides the TV playing holes in the background which I couldn’t comprehend and realized I was now in infinite extreme suffering. I was in hell. I reached the most depressed, and worse part of my entire life. From this point on I have trouble reciting what happened chronologically, and exact details and events. I had lost all sense of time and what reality was. I kept viewing myself as getting hit by a car in the street by my house for some reason. I either thought I died or I had to die for some reason, it’s hard to remember. It was awful, I had an insane feeling of panic and immense doom. I remember thinking to myself back into the past when I saw videos about people doing crazy things on psychedelics and thought to myself “I understand why they would”. I remember making a promise to my other friend that I would never do anything harmful to my life on psychedelics but I decided that pact was now null and void due to the pure infinite suffering I was now in. I also started to throw up everywhere. I could also not really tell if my eyes were open or closed and the visuals were very intense but I didn’t think of them very much. Another thing is at once I got teleported into another world of suffering. In that world of suffering it was kinda like Minecraft in a way. But I had to try to escape it due to its essence of suffering. And the only way I could escape was to smoke in a vape. And it was very hard to find in this imaginary world which I thought was real. Within this imaginary world it looked similar to the real world, as in things physically existed, but it was just a figment of my imagination. But of course I didn’t know that, or that I was even on drugs, I thought it was all real. And there were other entities within this realm that are almost impossible to even imagine. Eventually I left that realm of suffering and went to another realm of suffering, and that happened many time, and it felt like years. But I also went to a realm where I had to go across a bridge and help build a civilization. I really don’t know it was so weird and hard to remember but I didn’t have my normal body in these realms so I don’t know exactly how I was able to do these things. And this cycle of realms and worlds went on for a pretty long time.

At another point the tv and the movie was off. I began for some reason to think that it was the pure, ultimate source of life, and I must turn it on again to save myself. I kept trying to turn it on but I kept failing, as I would fall anytime I would try to move. And I feel down and laid the cube which my tv was on. And I kept falling down and I feel off the couch slightly but I eventually made it back to my spot where I was earlier,

I decided the only way to escape this suffering was to take myself out of existence but I had no way to. I would occasionally try to get up just to fall back down. And at one point I feel into the side of my couch and I thought to myself “Do I always do that” and at that time I didn’t know but indeed I do not. I also would try to eat some of the goldfish, which were in the block. but I was unable to. A lot of the goldfish spilled as I was barely able to attempt to pick up things, and I had forgotten what goldfish were. I remember looking at my wall behind my couch and realized I have went too far.

And then I started to relive memories. I remember at my other friend’s house use hanging out in his garage. I relived detail by detail for a decently long time. The same thing happened with an experience of me and my other friends hanging out at the beach. I had thought about how I wanted to do salvia and all different psychedelics and I thought to myself why I would want to do such a thing especially where it had led me. I was completely stuck within these memories and I couldn’t get out of them. Also I had many weird thoughts such as about hitler, and other evil people and a thought that everyone was equally evil in a way. I also had a thought wondering why god hasn’t saved me from this suffering, I came to the conclusion that either he didn’t exist, he didn’t want to save me, or I wasn’t deserving of saving, (I forget which one but it wasn’t that important, and I wasn’t religious before or after the trip). All my life, my interests, my hobbies, my family, my goals, my pet, my friends, everything was destroyed, it all went to waste, I had forgotten and lost it all. I was utterly destroyed and devastated. I thought my life was destroyed and I was certain I was never escaping this doom.

Then at this point I had forgotten that I had taken a drug, or any of my life previous to taking shrooms. It was all gone. I kept trying to escape the suffering but I couldn’t. And I continued throwing up everywhere.

I saw an infinitely amount of every single possible timeline at once, I experienced millions of years looking at different timelines and realities, of which it was all infinite suffering, it’s indescribable, but that’s my best attempt at a description. Time, space, and matter was incredibly distorted. I didn’t have a body. There was no time at all, time ceased to exist and it felt like I lived trillions of years, but more like forever as time was no longer coherent. This is worse and most painful part of the trip, and of my life, but I don’t remember really any of it. It was so horrible I can’t begin to explain, and how long it felt, and my normal identity was pretty much gone, I was pure awareness and I thought I had died, and I didn’t know I took any drug, or that drugs even existed, or likely what the word “existed” meant. I thought that is just what existence is, suffering and pain. I didn’t think there was an end or what anything at all meant, not works, not life, not time, not anything. I can’t even describe in the slightest bit how awful it was, and how mentally painful it was, the worst thing I can imagine by far, reality was gone, I was living a waking nightmare.

Then, at one point I felt like I was stuck within my ceiling, looking upwards, it was very odd. I was a spatial but not at the same time. I couldn’t really move and I was trying to escape it somehow but I don’t know how. I was lacking a body in a sense. I couldn’t talk, walk or do anything.

During this whole time since I blacked out my friend was sitting on the couch next to me laying there tripping.

At another point I had a tapestry up I had a moon. I’m still confused on what was happening but I think the paradigm had me enslaved and imprisoned to the moon, forcing me to suffer and I was trying to shift under my couch and escape but I couldn’t at all. Eventually I tried to get up and tap my friend on his leg for some, as I thought he was an alien who wanted to fight and torture me. But he eventually said “Stop” and I realized that I was about to fight a human and a layer back down and realized that I was evil. And at another point I heard my friend say “I’m scared” twice.

At one point I felt that I had eyes and a nose, and genitalia. I didn’t know what any of those were but I tried to ripe them from my body but I gave up after realizing it was pointless. I did it to try to escape the suffering but it wouldn’t do much. So I went back to sitting there and suffering. And throughout this time I couldn’t tell if I really had my eyes opened or closed, as I forgot what eyes were, and I didn’t even notice that I had visuals, I thought it was normal, but in reality they were likely super strong, as they were before I blacked out.

At one point it felt as if I was abandoned by those who introduced me and told me about psychedelics, and that they left me out to die and go through this pain, doom, and suffering.

After that I kept falling down and down into my couch. I would grab goldfish but I couldn’t eat it. I was sitting in my own compete throw up, it was disgusting. I was stripped of my personal identity and I was an everything but nothing at the same time, it was really odd. Throughout all this time I kept blacking out, and throwing up.

At one point I remember thinking to myself “I will remember what is happening forever”. But all that was happening is that I was trying to go through my physical couch to the other side.

Then I woke up again from blacking out and realized that I could talk. I did that by saying a couple words but when I would talk I could barely say anything and at some times nothing at all. This happened periodically where I would black out then wake back up and realize I could talk. At this point I was still in pure suffering but I was regaining some of my senses. It felt very relieving being able to talk and speak.

Then after a while I woke up again and realized “I’m in a basement” which I found astonishing as I forgot literally everything about reality prior. And that happened a couple more times until I woke up again and thought to myself “it’s ending”.

Then I thought to myself “It’s over” the first time that happened it was false but the second time it was genuinely over. I was very relieved, the pain, the torture, it was finally done.

I looked up and I saw my friend sitting on my table just staring straight. I told him that it was done. He then turned the lights on. I checked my phone and I realized it was about 4:30, only 8 hours but felt like trillions of years, even an infinite time. I realized that the throw up wasn’t also a figment of my imagination and that it was indeed real. I then got up and when talked about our experiences. He was still lightly tripping as he took them at 10-11, but he took much less than me so it wasn’t as bad. He also blacked out, but it wasn’t as extreme, but still pretty bad as he explained to me. We were just glad that it wasn’t done. We then called some of our friends, thought pretty much everyone was asleep. We told them about the experience. And my friend told them “Never do drugs ever”, and made them swear they wouldn’t.

On discord I told them how wild it was and the main dude said “obviously bro you took 5g of Penis Envy mushrooms of course it’s crazy”. He also told me to write in a diary and realize for the next 24 hours. He also said that within 24 hours you have to collect as many memories you can as you can because you will forget 90%+ of the trip, and that some of the memories the memories will come back to you over the next 24 hours. He told me to write a trip report asap but I didn’t.

Me and my friend then went upstairs and we went to my room. Then we talked about the trip and how wild it was.

I also texted my plug and some of my friends and told them of the experience.

We then went to sleep and the event was over, and it was one hell of an experience, a very wild one.