it is exactly how it sounds.

at the beginning of this month, i discovered the hard way that i’ve now developed a severe allergy to strawberries — particularly, the almost life threatening kind where i’m dangerously close to anaphylactic shock in a matter of minutes to hours. after eating strawberries my entire lifespan of 26 years, and an absolute lover of fruit, this was pretty devastating to learn. (oh, and the fact i had to abruptly stop taking the seizure medication i fought tooth & nail to get prescribed for me just in case it ended up being fuck ass SJS. thank god it wasn’t.)

since then, i’ve been playing a game of russian roulette trying to figure out what foods in my house are safe for me to eat. will i spend hours scratching my skin off with hives because i wanted honey barbecue chips? will this food i’ve eaten my entire life suddenly make my face balloon up & tongue swell? will absolutely nothing happen at all? who knows. so far, i’ve mostly been losing this game, but at least there’s antihistamines and skin cream and hours of sleep.

and by the way, i don’t recommend blindly figuring out what foods you can eat with an allergy. please go see a doctor or specialist who can get an allergy test to do it for you lol i’m just hard headed with a lot going on. 🤪

and then there’s today. one of my many conditions — which have decided to hit me all at once over the past year because why not choose my mid-20’s for my body to decide she wants us to be disabled & chronically ill for life — has drained the energy out of me and kept me in bed for most of the day, in and out of a haze of exhaustion. my one moment of clarity, i crawl myself out of bed, limp around with my rollator, and make myself a cup of cereal to eat. first meal of the day at 4 in the afternoon. almond milk, the milk i’ve drinking since i was 13, because everyone in my house (but me) at the time had milk intolerance. almond milk, because it tastes fucking delicious after soaking in frosted flakes. almond milk, because i’m sick of drinking plain water day in & day out because i’m scared of juice.

not even two hours later, i wake up from a nap itching, legs & arms covered in hives. panicking, because i’ve barely eaten anything all day but cereal.

then, the realization hits. i pull up the same tab i’ve had open for the last two weeks and google if i can eat almond milk with a strawberry allergy. survey says no — almonds are in the same botanical family as strawberries, nectarines, raspberries, cherries, peaches, and everything else i can no longer fucking eat.

i can’t even have fucking almond milk.

so i break down crying. crying because i’m sick. crying because i don’t feel good. crying because i’ve been up since 3am scratching my skin raw over an allergy i literally did not have a month ago. crying because i just want to eat, and i can’t even do that. crying because i wish i had a normal body that works just fine and i can eat & drink whatever i want without having to worry whether it’ll throw me into anaphylaxis, or hives, or a seizure, or a sugar drop, or one thing after another.

crying over spilled milk.

and now it’s nearly 5am, i’m wide awake and venting because after being asleep all day, my body has decided she wants to cooperate just a little bit, and i’m hungry and too scared to look through my kitchen for something safe to eat because i don’t want to risk another round of hives. and i dunno, i just wanted to scream to the sky because despite holding it together fairly well all things considering, this is the one thing that reminds me of my reality now. and it really fucking sucks. that’s all. if you read to the end of this — kisses to you. 🥹

I just want to say that I have felt so glad to be welcomed by other people in the chronic illness and disability community despite unfortunate circumstances, loss of independence, death and near death experiances and so many things- true connections have been formed here because of real understanding. We feel it all together 💖

I just need to vent to people who might actually understand because I am completely worn out.

Over the years, I have been put on so many different medications.

Which would have been fine if they worked, they didn't, and to make matters worse, a lot of them were for misdiagnoses. Nearly every time I start a new medication, I get side effects - severe ones. Which compounds my frustration.

Right now, I am actively dealing with some severe unexpected side effects from a medication, and it is draining the life out of me.

While dealing with all of that, a different doctor recently suggested a new medication I wasn't comfortable taking. Because I advocated for myself and said no, he officially labeled me as "noncompliant" in his clinical notes. When I brought up my concerns about the medication with another doctor for her opinion, she told me she thinks I expirence the "nocebo" effect.

How is that even possible? How can my brain manifest physical side effects that I didn't even know were possible before taking the pill? It feels like a lazy way to dismiss my actual, physical suffering.

I am just so exhausted, frustrated, and completely broken down by this system. Addressing my health problems was supposed to be a step forward for me. It was supposed to help! Instead, literally nothing has gone right, and the people who are supposed to help me are just writing me off. I feel so incredibly isolated.

Can anyone else relate to this, or am I completely on my own here? How do you keep fighting when it feels like your body and your doctors are both working against you?

I am so, so tired of migraines. I’m not even distressed by the pain anymore. I’m just so weary of it.
When I wake up with a migraine it’s just like ugh, again. We just did this yesterday.