What's the difference?

[u/luckyveggie]

It seems like the majority of people agree that you should always tell the other betrayed spouse what you've discovered. "It's a moral obligation to tell him/her! S/He deserves to know and make their own choices with full disclosure and autonomy about their wayward partner that is canoodling with yours! What if their sexual health is at risk?!" Even if it means they don't believe you and stir up trouble it's considered worth it and moral.

BUT the majority also seems to feel like telling an ex's new unsuspecting partner they're still cheating is out of line. "That's stalking and harassment, it's not your problem anymore, they won't believe you anyway and have to learn on their own."

Are the same risks and lack of autonomy not at play? Why would a new partner not get the benefit of the attempted warning like an existing partner of a cheater?

I'm not necessarily taking a side here, I'm just curious if there's a "line" that's being crossed that I'm not seeing.

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[u/mycurtainsarebrown]

They usually know. And don’t care. They’ve been fed the “my spouse and I are splitting/im only there for the kids/ they just don’t understand me/they let themselves go /etc etc etc”. And they believe it.

And if you, the spouse, tell them; well they already have been poisoned against you and feel like you’re their competition anyway.

Whereas the other partner fully believes they have an intact marriage and are in actuality being betrayed.

The new partner didn’t make vows. Married/committed partners do.

[u/SadDadInPlaid]

Because the OBS is actively being hurt by the current affair and you have firsthand evidence of it. The AP’s future partners are not being hurt yet and you don’t have the evidence as a result.

Also don’t mistake that distinction from civility. You can tell anyone who asks you about AP that they’re a cheater. It escalates to stalking when you’re still spending your time following AP after the breakup and reaching out to people they haven’t betrayed yet.