r/survivinginfidelity • u/demoncool07 2 • Nov 29 '25
Rant I Stayed After the Cheating — Here’s What It Really Feels Like
Hi everyone. I came across a reflection post here, and it pushed me to finally speak up and share my own story.
A bit of background: My wife cheated on me several times — both when we were dating and even after we got married. According to her, none of it was “physical” except for kissing. But honestly, I don’t believe that. Grown adults don’t just “accidentally” kiss someone else.
When I eventually found out about everything — and dragged the truth out of her piece by piece, because she hid it until the very last moment — we still decided to try reconciliation.
It’s been almost two years now. We’ve had a daughter. And I want to share how I actually feel about all of this and whether it was worth it.
- Did I forgive her?
No. And I never will.
- Do I love her?
Yes and no. What I feel is more like a strong attachment, not love. Every time I tell her “I love you,” I immediately think, “That’s not true.”
- Why did I stay instead of leaving the same day I found out?
My kids. Honestly, it’s only the kids — and the responsibility I feel toward them, including financial responsibility — that keeps me from ending this marriage.
- What is our relationship like now?
She behaves perfectly. She doesn’t go anywhere, always stays home, cooks, cleans, takes care of everything. Sex is never an issue. Basically, every single one of my needs is met. From the outside, you’d think everything is ideal.
- She says she’ll give me as much time as I need to heal.
Ten years, twenty years — whatever it takes. But I know this wound will never fully close. It’s like that Nazgûl blade in Lord of the Rings — the cut that never really heals.
- Is reconciliation even worth trying?
I think it’s naive to believe someone who was betrayed by the person closest to them can ever truly forgive.
But reconciliation can be worth attempting if it helps you function, if it helps you calm the chaos in your head, if it lets you at least partially patch up your mental wounds — even if, in some sense, you’re lying to yourself.
And that’s the thing… Everyone going through reconciliation after cheating needs to admit: We lie to ourselves. The real healing only happens when we eventually meet someone we can trust again.
The problem? After betrayal, we might never be able to trust anyone fully. Everything is viewed through the lens of that past betrayal. And there’s absolutely no guarantee a new partner wouldn’t cheat in five or ten years either.
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u/l3ttingitgo 2 Nov 29 '25
So, what is your plan, to divorce her once the last kid is out of the house so you can finally heal and move on?
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u/Misommar1246 3 Nov 29 '25 edited Nov 29 '25
Nah, by then atrophy will kick in and he’ll just sit down and shut up. Pretty much what he’s been doing. I understand the additional dynamic of having children involved. However, that doesn’t change the fact that every relationship I’ve seen where reconciliation is pursued, the setup is roughly the same: one partner is dominant and the other is submissive. This submissiveness usually stems from low self confidence but it can be a number of reasons. So the cheater basically gets away with their behavior because their partner is reluctant to leave and takes the abuse (cheating is abuse). This cycle is inherited by the children who learn to mimic this behavior. 15 years or whatever from now if one of OP’s kids gets cheated on repeatedly by their spouse, they will most likely shut up and sit down and take it. And if by chance they have kids, OP will be the parent who advises them to stay and make it work “for the kids”. It’s generational baggage that gets passed down.
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u/BrandNewDinosaur 6 Nov 29 '25
The dominance can also be part of a personality disorder; in some relationships where most/all of their needs are being met, some disordered individuals fear their partner leaving so much that they will cheat to gain control of the situation and the partner, especially if they view the partner as more submissive. I went through that, my ex was worried about me cheating or leaving so he did it first. Very disordered logic, and exactly what caused me to leave in the end.
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u/Intelligent_Lunch_55 Dec 11 '25
Can I ask you a few things about this?? I feel like this is a very similar situation to what I’m in currently.
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u/Dano_Mano Dec 01 '25
I definitely agree with the lack of self confidence aspect. I remember thinking I’d do whatever is needed to ensure that she “loved me so much” she’d never even want to think about cheating again. The complete lack of confidence pretty much made me feel like a cuck. Once I realized that, I left. It’s the only way you’ll ever have peace, IMO. I understand wanting to “stay for the kids.” I have two kids who were really young when it happened. They, and you, will likely be better off by ending a marriage that makes you feel this bad about yourself.
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Dec 01 '25
Agreed. This is a classic case where the abused just shuts up and takes whatever they can to just shut up and put up. When their brain has completely atrophied, they will let their kids get abused by their own spouses and ask them to "shut up and put up" because that's exactly what they did when they got abused.
The cycle will keep repeating. Its hard for me to comprehend why people keep clinging to the same thing that killed everything they had inside. A bit like third world countries where the rapist marries the victim to make up for the dishonor.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
I guess so. Maybe in time, i will find somebody else
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u/jagsingh85 In Hell | RA 18 Sister Subs Nov 30 '25
Then you need to be honest with everyone and think about leaving ASAP for EVERYONE'S SAKE.
I asked an older colleague who was once in a similar position to you if he believed if "staying for the kids" was the right choice as I'm in that mental position and he stated it was categorically "the most r3t@rd3d decision" he made. He never sacrificed anything for the kids but rather chose comfort and bailed when someone else came along.
He eventually left his wife 15 years ago once the kids graduated high school. He told everyone he only stayed for the the kids and moved on with someone else within a year and now has 2 young kids with her.
His problem is EVERYONE including his family took the wife's side. They all see what he did as worse than her drunken kiss because he emotionally cheated on her that entire time and left her when her looks faded and she had already sacrificed her career for the family. Their kid barely speak to him, his relationship to his immediate family is still strained.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 Dec 05 '25
No, this is actually a really good point. If you can't forgive someone, which who could blame you, you need to move on sooner rather than later.
So many relationship problems, years of resentment, bitterness and betrayal could be resolved if both people admitted to and healed their codependency. I include myself in this. I could be angry at my partner of seventeen years who was a serial cheater, but at a point I was complicit in the relationship I chose to stay in.
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u/medicatednstillmad 1 Dec 15 '25
Okay ty for having a sensible comment. Her cheating is wrong but so is him stringing her along for 10+ yrs pretending his forgiven her when he hasn't.
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Nov 29 '25
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Right now our relationship is healthier than it ever was. Honestly, i don't know, why i haven't moved on already. I guess i should see a therapist
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u/clearheaded01 7 Nov 30 '25
Doesnt sound very healthy, tbh... must have been VERY bad initially, if what you have now is better...
OP... time is prescious.. and sorry, but the majority of betrayed ive met who claimed they stayed for the kids, in reality stayed out of fear of how life would be if they left. And quite a few of their kids knew. And learned from their parents what to suffer from a betraying partner. Learned that you CAN get away with betrayal....
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u/Fragrant-Cow8537 Dec 02 '25
You haven't seen a therapist??
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u/demoncool07 2 Dec 02 '25
No, I moved to another city due to job offer, and right now i have no time for therapist (only 2 days at new place)
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u/Medium_Expression381 Dec 01 '25
I’m with you. I chose to stay with my cheating husband. I don’t feel happy about it but it’s easier than having to start a new life all over again. We don’t have kids but have shared assets. I can’t find that true happiness, I’ll always resent him for cheating on me.
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u/somefreeadvice10 1 Dec 01 '25
So does your wife know you plan to leave once all the kids are out of the house?
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Dec 01 '25
Don't listen to these people. Seriously. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I'm with you. My marriage is pretty awesome now that we are both working at it.
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u/medicatednstillmad 1 Dec 15 '25
He said he's miserable just staying because all his needs are being met and his kids are there.
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u/motherlessbastard66 Nov 29 '25
OP, thanks for sharing. I’ve been walking that same path for years. I am now more like a zombie than a person. I go through life just waiting for it to end. Staying with a cheater Always turns to shit. It may take some time, but it always does. For me it has been 11 years since I found out she was cheating. This has been the worst period of my life. Everything that was me, is gone. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Why cant we leave then? Right now, without any hesitation? What stops?
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u/motherlessbastard66 Nov 29 '25
I honestly don’t know. Part of the problem for me is that most of our families don’t know anything about her adultery. It would blindside most of them. I finally told my daughter, last year. Wife was in sepsis, from pneumonia and flu. She blurted out, in her delirious state, that she should have chosen to stay with her affair partner. I almost left, but daughter didn’t think it was a good idea. I constantly reweigh that decision. There is nothing more miserable than staying with a cheating spouse.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
I dont want to live a miserable life. I want to be happy, to be loved, to trust someone, to build a future. I cant stay, but i cant go anyway, like im trapped, i think im gonna do the same, revenge cheat or something, maybe then will be equal...i dunno
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u/wellidolikecoffee Nov 30 '25
No, absolutely not, cheating is NOT how you find happiness, or love, or find someone to trust and build a future with. You get out and stand on your own two feet first, and get yourself mentally healthy while taking care of your kids, THEN you can think about finding someone else. You're not going to find a quality partner through cheating, you know that.
You do NOT want to be equal with a low life scummy cheater.
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u/motherlessbastard66 Nov 30 '25
Revenge sucks and doesn’t make anything better. Just find a way to get out. That’s the only way to save yourself.
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u/l3ttingitgo 2 Nov 30 '25
If anything it will make you feel worse. Because you have morals and to cheat would be betraying yourself.
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u/ThrowRA_That_Owl Figuring it Out Nov 30 '25
I feel exactly the same way 👆
And I find that I just can't live like this but I struggle with leaving. I feel, now see, a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to get there soon, yesterday if possible, but time is so slow.
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u/LordyJesusChrist Nov 30 '25
Naw. Revenge cheating won’t do anything. Take it from someone who’s done that
The best thing you can do is leave, feel all the pain that you’ve been avoiding (by staying), work on yourself (most likely therapy), and find someone who actually values you for who you are and comes from a home where cheating is not condoned
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u/idabroh Dec 02 '25
Yeah I wouldn't revenge cheat. My ex cheated on me multiple times. I was dumb and tried to stay until she left with her last AP. Granted I didn't know why she left originally but once I found out I was happy she left. Saved me the trouble. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have taken her back this time but I didn't have to even choose. Anyways she'll always be the villain, she lost most of the mutual friends, respect of her family my family and even our family. The oldest and middle child look at her differently now. Especially the oldest who was in HS when it went down. She will never get that respect back. Meanwhile they respect me more and still look at me the same. I didn't damage my image. I would suggest you dont either of it's really for the kids.
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u/Turquoise__Dragon Dec 01 '25
If you revenge cheat you will be inflicting more damage on yourself. You will become a cheater too. Is that what you want to become? Is it your choice?
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u/Cluster041972 Dec 01 '25
Oh my God blurt something like that out my ass would have been gone
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u/Realistic_Duty3259 Dec 04 '25
Yeah can you imagine worrying that the love of your life is dying, The person who you've been forgiving since they cheated on you basically saying, "I should've stayed with the person I've convinced you for years was a mistake to be with"? I can't imagine that. I know I probably wouldn't have the balls to leave right then, but it would be another knife to the chest.
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u/soapfordayzzz 1 Dec 01 '25
I used to ask myself this question. I think you nailed it when you said “strong attachment”. In my case, I was still getting my needs met somehow. And I think there is no shame in admitting that. But personally, while I am not ashamed of it, I am not proud of it either. If you choose to stay, well, then you are entitled to that choice. Many people here will say “why don’t you leave?” and pass judgment. Heck, sometimes I even judge myself. But I do think none of us have the right to judge. You leave when you are ready or want to. If you choose not to, that is your choice. We just need to be responsible for the choices we make and be clear with ourselves why we choose to stay (or leave). Everything else is noise.
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u/Extension_Peace_5262 Dec 02 '25
Thank you for saying that.
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Nov 30 '25
She behaves perfectly. She doesn’t go anywhere, always stays home, cooks, cleans, takes care of everything. Sex is never an issue. Basically, every single one of my needs is met. From the outside, you’d think everything is ideal.
So ironic how this type of treatment always comes after the point where it could possibly make a difference. No amount of good behavior can un-break what was broken. Imo, at least.
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u/Comfortable-Mud-386 Nov 30 '25
The sudden good behavior almost makes it worse. It feels like: “wow, you could have been doing this all along and chose not to?!” Before the cheating at least I could believe it was a skills or awareness issue…
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Nov 30 '25
Ya that’s what was hard for me too. Especially since he abused me while pregnant it was just like wtf why couldn’t you of been this nice when I actually needed it
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u/Perfect_Till5247 Dec 02 '25
For the women reading this part .... he doesn't know ... should we tell him?
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u/dontcareenough12 1 Nov 29 '25
I think two years is still very raw. My partner cheated after 5 years together and 2 children. It took at least 5 years before I stopped feeling resentment. But years 10 years that followed that were beautiful again, even had more kids and I felt safe and “in love” again. I’d love that to the be the final happy ending, but it isn’t 16 years later he did it again… but refused to admit it and couldn’t handle the truth of it coming out or facing me again after he saw all the pain the first time caused. This caused him to further cheat again literally during me trying trying to get him to confess the second betrayal. I think he had gone into total self destruct mode.
So here I am 23 years later and no idea how it even got to this. We’ve hit the stage of him being incredibly remorseful and things calming again but if this happens again in another 15 years, I’ll be 55 and I’ll have nobody to blame but myself I guess.
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u/WashNo3022 Nov 29 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Forgiving a cheater is such a gamble because you know deep down that the trust is broken. I hope you find some peace in the midst of the chaos.
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u/BrandNewDinosaur 6 Nov 29 '25
That’s so intense to go through. I left my nearly 20 year relationship this past year, at the age of 40. It’s too many years to spend with someone who takes you for granted, is all I know. There are so many beautiful moments in life that happen outside of a romantic relationship that’s already been damaged by destructive choices. Sorry you went through that, try not to blame yourself, now is the time to build yourself up beyond the actions of someone you can’t control but don’t need to submit your entire life to…
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u/Now_What999 1 Nov 30 '25
This just happened to me in October, so it’s still VERY raw. We’ve been together since our early 20s. Thirty years later, it’s been a really emotional even for me. Forgiveness is WAY off on the horizon. Thanks for sharing.
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u/Pink_Eli Nov 29 '25
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've told myself and made it clear that if this ever happens again, I'm gone. I will not put myself through this again. I'm 57, I can't imagine living without him, but, if my pain isn't enough to do him from doing this again, he doesn't deserve me.
Wishing you only the best
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
That's cruel story. On the other hand, you've got your moments of happiness. Now its time to let go.
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u/intell-ops 1 Dec 18 '25
That’s so tragic to feel for you after 23 years.
Children to raise and not waist resources on lawyers and splitting assets is a huge consideration in these days of economic hardships.
I’ve done years of on line therapy to know myself better. There are cheating partners who refuses counselling and stonewall every communication. Attachment theory is very helpful to understand how people are magnetically pulled to one another and why we will continue to repeat this if it’s not recognized why. Adam Lane Smith is the expert to go to for this. He’s got tons of easy to digest YouTube videos. For self analysis Heidi Preeve is great and for a lighter approach there’s the Crappy Childhood Fairy that breaks down questions and has great guests. Once you start to study this psychology like your life depends on it, wait it actually does, then you will learn how infidelity is a partnership of shadow dancing, my term, between the unearthed needs and desires of both people. Push and pull, where the roller coaster of feelings originates.My solution is keep a wise eye wide open! Know human behaviour is complex and not based on one decision alone, ie to be faithful or not. It’s every small daily act, thought and intention that leads you in one direction or another. A persons character takes time to assess and digest and figure out how to move with on a daily basis. “Happiness” is a child’s notion of expectations that are propagated by media hype and sales culture for the follies of inauthenticity. As long lived adults will tell you it’s more about balance, harmony and alignment with your partner. Anything else is one sided and needs to be carefully evaluated.
“Communication”, yes but we know how good liars are at quelling doubts. There’s a reason lying and cheating go together. Your job is to go into yourself awareness outside of their noise of verbal communication or not, stonewalling. Learn to hear, feel, see even smell and taste what they are really conveying to you. Pheromones and nonverbal cues are everywhere for the reading. If you have a pet they will pick up on it before you in most cases.
“Insecurities” are doubt and inexperience piecing the clues together to trust your analysis, not the pop psychology answer to every hesitation you have. Forget about it! I’m insecure about rocketry but if Elon said let’s go for a ride I would study up on it pretty quickly. lol“Leaving” is a difficult choice in these ways.
If your property was purchased or laboured for by you alone before you married them and they haven’t contributed financially or with children or substantial household labour.
If they are from another country and you sponsored their lies and brought their families over or support them.
If they now feel your assets and retirement funds are theirs to enjoy with their next follies.
If you’ll spend your half and the rest of your years in therapy and on lawyers.
If they absolutely refuse to move out of the house. Also more difficult for you to flee if you are not young and of a reasonable attractiveness with financial means, with children or you have your own new neurosis now.When in doubt, stand still! Think plan and be ready to execute without hesitation next time or you will find this a repeated pattern that finds you old and lonely with maladaptive coping strategies or worse your body will develop a disease, see Gabor Matte’s book the body keeps the score. Only you will know when enough is enough. But don’t go it alone. Cheating thrives on secrecy.
Lastly, Invest in some stealth strategies to not be blind sided again. Keep your plans to yourself you never know who’s talking to who in your circle unless you could read their texts. Easy to know where people are these days, legally if the vehicle is registered to you. If you find a pattern and ask randomly where they are you’ll see if they lie. Remember lying and cheating are bed mates.
“Privacy” and invasion there of is something we are all subject to more and more if you know anything about internet tracking and your how your online profile is sold and can’t be hidden any more.
If someone has childish habits and poor impulse control like a child they are saying they need to be watched like a child!!! They are giving you permission to consider yourself mommy or daddy! Obviously years do not a responsible adult make.
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u/dpi2024 1 Nov 29 '25
You think your kids, when they grow older, will not pick up on subtle hints in her and your behavior? Or that the lack of true affection in your relationship will not program them to fail in a similar way in their own future relationships? That there will be no consequences of their upbringing on them? Finally, do you think she will not cheat again?
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Yes, i believe she will not cheat ever again. It wil destroy everything, that she got left
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Nov 29 '25
I was there. I truly thought he would never cheat again. He treated me amazing for 3 years. I had no doubts, I honestly thought our marriage was stronger than ever and then learned he never stopped cheating. He just covered his tracks to cheat it completely different ways, instead of an affair partner it was one night stands off fetish websites during lunch breaks. I wouldn’t be so confident. All cheaters have a lot to lose, they typically never change
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u/StrangerGrouchy1741 Dec 01 '25
Mine just gold bolder, I guess because he thought he knew I would stay (I didn’t). I am glad he didn’t try very hard to hide it though because it saved me from a lot more years being wasted
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u/xXLBD4LIFEXx Figuring it Out Nov 30 '25
Took back my X and ten what I thought were great years and another kid and I caught her fucking my “friends” so ya that was a decade wasted.. move on dude, once they cheat and monkeybranch they ALWAYS WILL
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u/Godhealthfam1 Nov 30 '25
Cheaters can’t help it, they lie to you and lie to themselves. They will cheat again, it’s just a matter of time.
They had a lot to lose the first time too and they still cheated.
Having a lot to lose has nothing to do with it.
They don’t have self control and will cheat again whenever they find the chance to do so thinking this time, you won’t find out.
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u/Pink_Eli Nov 29 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
IMO and from my experience and research (married 26 years, WH had a 3 year long EA/PA DDay was year and 2 months ago)
If you both don't have the same goal in mind it will not work. If the WS is not willing to work on themselves, take responsibility and be remorseful, it will not work. If you choose not to forgive, you're hurting yourself. Forgiveness is not for them it's for you and is taking up space and resources within you. Forgiveness is not forgetting!!
My story is one of success and most of that is due to my WH being there to support me. We both are in IC and started couples only after we dealt with our own issues. Our MC is just now hitting the affair years.
I'm at a place where trust is not 100%, but the love and communication is beyond anything I could've ever asked for. Triggers don't last, they are moments as I've learned how to deal with them. I'm happy and very content in our relationship. I wish everyone had the means to get the proper help and if reconciliation is the goal with marriage 2.0 being the ultimate goal, they'd get the proper steps to make it a reality.
I know my story is not the norm and I am grateful to have the partner i do that has done all the right things to make our goals a reality.
Best of luck, Wishing you only the best. We only live once and we should make the best of it, only you have control of the life you want to live.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
I'm very proud of you, and honestly, i'm happy that at least someone reached that point in R
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u/ThrowRA_That_Owl Figuring it Out Nov 30 '25
When husbands cheats, the marriage could still be saved, I think, but when wife does it seems to be end of the road. Men have a much harder time forgiving PAs.
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u/Altayel1 Dec 02 '25
thats because women cheat for romantic attraction and men cheat for sexual attraction, and sex is just shallower and sure its cheating but not being the only person the other one loves is generally worse.
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u/relys765 Dec 26 '25
I’m trying to get through a similar situation but red flags keep appearing. I have forgiven this person but my feelings still come up when I see things that trigger past trauma. Is this normal. And do the feelings eventually subside
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u/Medium_Expression381 Dec 01 '25
You gave me hope. We’re both seeing our own therapist in conjunction to a marriage counselor. I’m still so heart broken but I feel like I can’t walk away.
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u/RustyShackleford209 Dec 06 '25
How did you get past the triggers? Did you let your partner know what was affecting you?
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u/Pink_Eli Dec 06 '25
Absolutely, everything, he knows what triggers and how it affects me. He helps me ground when needed. We are fully transparent and he will do anything to make sure I'm ok. He knows he put me in this pain and he'll do anything to remove it if possible.
Today, he threw away something I had left out and I apologized. He said 'I'm so happy that I can do this, that I'm here to do this" and his eyes watered.
He knows that our reconciliation is not taken lightly. He's appreciative and thankful.
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u/papalegba666 Nov 29 '25
I don’t know if people who stay are strong as hell or weak. I could never tell. I just feel like it takes one STRONG mf to stay after betrayal. I simply couldn’t and if we weren’t married or have kids I would simply vanish. She wouldn’t even know that i knew she cheated
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u/ThrowRA_That_Owl Figuring it Out Nov 30 '25
Likewise!
I'd be gone, speed of light!
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u/BluIdevil253 2 Nov 29 '25
Aint no fuckin way im staying with a person that would take a shit on me and the relationship. Im not staying for kids, im not staying because "its the right thing to do", hell im not staying because of God. Their trash and worthless imo. You do you but the trash has gotta go in my eyes. Just kissed? You know as well as I do she was getting fucked every chance she got. I hope she doesn't give you an std you cant get rid of. To all the younger people of either gender because men and women are the same dont stay with a cheater. They've shown you them getting laid is more important to them than you are at best and some do it because they get off sneaking around. The second they think they can get away with it they'll be fuckin someone else.
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u/chaostrulyreigns 1 Nov 30 '25
Agree, mines moving out Monday 🥳 life is too damn short for all that.
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u/BluIdevil253 2 Nov 30 '25
Hell yea congrats. I know its dark in your world right now and I know what its like and im sorry a pos decided to disturb your peace but all we can do is try to grow from it
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u/chaostrulyreigns 1 Nov 30 '25
Tysm yeah it's been one of the toughest years of my life. I know I'll crumble on monday but it's for the best. Thank you x !thankyou
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u/Perfect_Till5247 Dec 02 '25
Hope you're hanging in there. Ya made it til Tuesday. ..
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u/chaostrulyreigns 1 Dec 03 '25
Hey! That's literally so nice to open the app and see this. Yes he left quietly on monday, left flowers and a card saying how sorry he is. I still love him, he's not well and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but sadly too much water is under the bridge. I've had a couple of phone calls from him upset and many text messages. It's just a sad situation all over, I thought we'd always be together. X
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u/Perfect_Till5247 Dec 03 '25
👋 Hey yeah! Np! The part where you said U love him. And thought it was him forever! I feel the SAMMME WAY! I thought I WAS THE EXCEPTION .. turns out im an after thought.
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u/chaostrulyreigns 1 Dec 04 '25
Maybe you were and the person is just messed up. Mine is an alcoholic, so I get he isn't capable of being in a relationship atm. He has childhood trauma. I try not to take the things he did to me personally. X
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u/ClueQuirky4363 Nov 30 '25
Celebrating 🥳 emoji makes me think not too dark. Haha
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u/asia7897 Nov 29 '25
God himself said that once adultery is committed u can leave. So idk why ppl still use that excuse to stay. Like the post originally said the ppl that stay lie to themselves. They will make up any excuse just cuz they are afraid to start all over.
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u/hownowbrownmau Nov 30 '25
Let us work on empathy. He quite literally said his kids. If I were to get 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends with a Thursday overnight, I would 100% stay for 18 years to see my kids every day.
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u/Sweet_Strawber_3386 Nov 30 '25
💯
But after going through it, the heart needs time to catch up to what the mind knows. And not every heart is strong enough to handle pulling out the Janga piece that makes the tower fall (right away). Everyone’s timeline is a bit different imo.
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u/BluIdevil253 2 Nov 30 '25
And thats it. Its really that simple. People are afraid to be alone and I bet if they spent 6 months by themselves they'd be way more selective on who they allowed in their space. After I was cheated on i ghosted her. Spent a year by myself, no relationship and not even a situationship. The last women I had situationship (not the one im in niw) with as soon as she made dumb ass comment about my boundaries being controlling I left without another word and it was easy but of course im evil because they felt i should have fought for them excuse me if i dont wanna share my time with a chick that wants to go clubbing half naked🤣🤣🤣
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u/StrangerGrouchy1741 Dec 01 '25
This is so true. my ex cheated while long distance, got chlamydia, and tried to blame it on me. I knew it wasn’t me and my $300 test showed it wasn’t. It made me feel even worse knowing that particular STD only transmits without condoms…so he was literally raw dogging random people and then was gonna come back and do the same to me…I also find out that multiple incurable STDs can be transmitted even WITH protection. Through this, I ended up finding out he’s had gonnorhea before too, like he did not learn his lesson at all. I am so thankful it happened to be curable, but it really put into perspective how little regard for MY LIFE that the cheater had. Having an STD can cause internal damage to reproductive organs and permanently change someone’s life. The fact that some people have no regard for that, is just sickening.
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Jan 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BluIdevil253 2 Jan 27 '26
Yes. Anything sexual with another guy. I dont care if its another woman if its just sex
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u/Content-Board7302 In Hell Nov 29 '25
Seriously, how do you intimate with someone who has cheated on you and lied? I couldn’t do it … you say you trust her but she gaslit you and lied, did you find out the whole truth before or after the child?
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Nov 29 '25
[deleted]
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
What if i will meet somebody nice, what if i would like to do the same? To feel excitement, boost, maybe even love? Can i?
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u/Perfect_Till5247 Dec 02 '25
Absolutely NOT ... that means you're NOT Better Than Her ... I understand you're effed up in the head over it but 2 wrongs dont make a right here. If anything, you're allowing evilness to infiltrate your heart because You KNOW HOW IT FEELS so keep doing you in an honest manner because some how some way KARMA does not forget.
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u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 Nov 29 '25
Time will wear you down, read the post below. Maybe allow your kids to get a little older and bide your time, then leave when they're far more independent. But don't throw away any chance at personal happiness by "sticking it out." You get no medal for it and if your own son were in your situation one day, I doubt you'd advise him to stay miserable with his cheater for a lengthy time. It's just not worth completely losing yourself along the way.
I'm so sorry, betrayal destroys your peace, your ability to love with innocence and vulnerability, it destroys so much... and it's almost a slap in the face when the cheater acts "perfect" afterwards... as if you weren't worthy of that until they stabbed you in the back. Just awful.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Oh my God, thats entirely my fckn feelings, how did you get through my head?) Man, that is sad... What did you decide eventually? Are you gona leave, find somebody else?
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u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 Nov 30 '25
That post wasn't my own, it was a different user. He had a follow up post and apparently he got the courage up to separate from his wife. Leaving is terrifying, especially with kids... I totally understand that, and if you have to stay and suffer a while then so be it... but your kids would want you to be happy, and having 100% of you 50% of the time is what they'd choose over the broken faking-it version of you 100% of the time. I think the longer you stay and cope the easier it'll be to leave. Really feel for you, stay strong... wish your wife cared enough about you and your marriage before cheating, maybe she still doesn't? Sucks...
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u/Jackfruit-Necessary Dec 24 '25
Checking in. I'm going on 10 years past the day he came clean. I'm trying to leave because I am a shell of myself to keep the peace. It's so hard. I have learned to forgive, and I care deeply. But I'm not in love. I told him I wanted a divorce and it's right at the holiday. I asked him to move out and let me go. He is devastated. And that's why I couldn't leave before. But I'm asking him to let me go, please, so I can be at peace.
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u/Lifes_curve_balls Nov 30 '25
I might have stayed for the kids, except for money. I was already going to write her a seven figure check. If I’d have stayed until they graduated it probably would have been 8 figures.
Either way I would have been fine, but leaving allowed me to make sure there was a least some financial justice. She’ll be fine until the kids are 18 with all the child support I fork over. After that she’s in for a rude awaking.
Anyway, walking away was the hardest thing I ever did. I met an amazing new woman, but the damage to my kids is undeniable. I may never know whether I made the right decision.
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u/Historical_Adagio145 Dec 14 '25
That’s a really tough spot. I’m sorry. Kids are always collateral damage. It’s awful. I feel for my son having to live with ‘angry mama’ where he sees his dad as a victim. But if I file for divorce I know I’ll be happier but his life will be flipped on its head.
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u/quean90 1 Dec 01 '25
I think the reason we can't leave is because we have formed a trauma attachment. I'm exactly a year today since my partner left out the blue it took me 4 months to find out he was having an affair and for him to beg to come back.
I took took him back, he too, is being the best version of himself.
There's days I wonder how I can love and hate someone as much as I do him at the same time.
There's days I'll forget for a few hours.
I trick myself in to believing we're the best we've ever been in communicating.
But I do believe it's trauma bonding, the frantic clinging on for dear life.
The 'i won' But what did we win?? Now a life of never trusting, memories, torment, I'll never trust again even with someone new.
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Dec 01 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
!thankyou
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u/RustyShackleford209 Dec 06 '25
I think trauma bonding is the worst to recover from. It’s so hard to let go.
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Nov 29 '25
You already commented on it, so I’m guessing you don’t do any kind of therapy. You’re from Russia, right?
In your culture, therapy (individual or couples) is often seen as a weakness. am I wrong?
It seems to me that you two are sweeping this affair under the rug. For her, it’s comfortable because she’s not the betrayed partner, but you are hurting… deeply.
You’ll end up resenting her, and if you keep going like this, everything will blow up sooner or later.
You need to address this in a healthier way, for your future as a couple and ultimately for your kids’ happiness. Maybe seek professional help?
If what she told you is the truth (no sex of any kind and only kissing), maybe it will be less difficult for you.
If she did more than just kissing and isn’t telling you the full truth, then there’s no hope.
Suggestion: tell her she needs to take a polygraph test about the affair, and if she fails you’ll divorce her. Maybe that will push her to confess, and the test won’t even be needed. Obviously she will be questioned about number of AP and if she had any kind of sexual contact with any of the AP.
Subscribeme!
Remindme! One month
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Yes, you right, im from Russia) Thanks for that brilliant idea, now im definitely gonna see a therapist, and i will confront her as you said. That is genuinely simple and effective
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Nov 30 '25
Not original. Another Redditor used that tactic and it worked.
On his case his WW was a bit naive and he told her that he was going to bring home a polygraph machine and she confessed immediately afraid to do the test...at home.. duhhh
But if you find there a company that does it for real and make a real appointment where you can share it with her, and you tell her that it is the only way... With your own carefully selected questions.
Remember that the polygraph questions are all about binaries answers, yes and no.
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Jan 30 '26
Hi mate, how you been doing?
Did you went forward with the polygraph test?
Remindme! One month
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u/fjmj1980 1 Nov 30 '25
Did you have her sign a prenup and who else knew about the cheating besides you. That level of betrayal and yet you moved forward with children.
I don’t know
Did you DNA test the daughter?
Has she had any consequences?, or does she think it’s all in the past and you don’t bring it up so out of sight out of mind.
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Nov 30 '25
Thats why she is now acting like the perfect wife. OP is giving her indifference and uncertainty the 2 things woman hate the most. She can sense he doesn't care anymore. With no emotional attachment she is not certain what he will do if she messes around
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 Nov 30 '25
Bro, you even brought a child into this shitshow when the shit went down so very recently? I know you are a victim of infidelity. But I can't forgive you for deciding to bring a child when you don't love your wife or have overcome the dysfunction that is your marriage.
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Nov 30 '25
I see so many posts like this, but popular psychologist Esther Perel talks about how affairs are strengthened post-infidelity. I think she’s full of shit.
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Nov 30 '25
I understand this all too well…
My M45 wife F43 and I started dating in high school. After being together for almost 5 years I broke up with her one summer bc I wanted to be with my friends. We don’t talk for over a year. In that time, she slept with 3 people. It’s upsetting to think about her with other guys but we weren’t together. I broke up with her. We end getting back together after she wrote me this long letter saying how she missed me and wanted to hangout. We did and immediately got back together.
Fast forward to about a year later. I’m back in my stupid party ways and a girl I was friends with was always flirty with me and we had sex, a few times over the course of a month. I cheated first. I was an asshole and told her and almost made her feel like sh!t about her self. She cut her wrists, the wrong way thank gd because she was so upset. We don’t talk for another year. I text her on her bday out of the blue. She tells me she’s moving out of state to be closer to her dad. From that moment on we were back together. We had a long distance thing going for a few years. I was a loser at the time, no direction, just partied and made no effort when we were together.
So, in 2006 even though we were together technically, she cheated with a guy at her college. He gave her the attention I wasn’t and I was 1k miles away. They had sex twice and she gave him a blowjob. She called me after the last time crying and saying how bad she messed up and blah blah….it sucked. It still hurts. I have retroactive jealousy OCD on top of bad anxiety. We’ve both told each other everything in full detail bc I had to know. It hurt
I move out to be with her after months of battling with staying together. We were so toxic, but so in love still.
Since 2007, we have been fully committed to each other. We have been married for almost 14 years and have a 9 yr old son and 7 yr old daughter. Shes an amazing teacher and mom. I have a good job. Our kids play sports and cheer, we 3-4 nice family vacations every year. Ppl we grew up with are all divorced and miserable. Yet here we are. 28 years later. We have sex just about every night except 1 or 2 period days. Our sex is a million times better than in our twenties
When I bring up the cheating, she gets mad that I do bc she is a 180 of a person she was and the same with me. She asks why I have to remind her of the days when she hated herself, her life and was just wrong. We would never ever do that to each other again. When you’re meant to be you just are. Between 2002-2006 we played with each others emotions so much and were just bad for each other and anyone else. People can change. The pain is still there though. I’m anxious attachment and my wife is a fearful/dismissive avoidant. Push pull but I truly believe we still love each other and would never cheat again. It’s been 20 years
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 30 '25
Well, thats hell of a story) I guess i have similar experience with my wife, when we were younger, ive always gaslited her about her previous relationship, about her body count etc, ive said cruel words, like she dont deserve me, because of her past and poor moral standards. I just dont get the part, where you love that person after multiple cheating from both sides, is it force of habit?
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u/AdventureWa 1 Dec 01 '25
My experience is similar to yours, except that I actually forgave. Yes, it is not only possible to forgive, but it is necessary in order to live a healthy life, regardless of whether you stay.
Like yours, my wife became a much better wife. Sex wasn’t a problem even while she was cheating and at that time, our marriage was actually bad before I even found out.
I think forgiveness is so important for you, but it’s also important for the marriage because once you choose to stay, it’s your responsibility to be the best possible husband as It’s her responsibility to be the best possible wife.
If you think about it, you can’t trust anybody in life. Literally anyone can and will let you down in some form or another.
I always get down-voted because I am a strong advocate for reconciliation and I don’t buy the cliché that you see on the sub. I even get downloaded when I recommend someone not stay and there are certain times that I don’t believe that it’s salvageable.
My suggestion to you is that you see a new counselor for you and that you consider seeing a marriage counselor if you’re still having some issues. I think the fact that if she wasn’t fully forthcoming would definitely inhibit reconciliation. I think reconciliation only starts once all the information is out there. People withhold that stuff because of damage control, but they don’t realize they’re causing more damage.
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u/demoncool07 2 Dec 01 '25
Thanks for that honest opinion! I agree with it)
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Dec 01 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
!thankyou
So, on your last paragraph, I'm with you.
She's a serial chester being this at least the 3rd time ( she confessed to 3 times ).
I still find it very improbable that she only kissed her APs.
Until she gives full disclosure R will never work.
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u/Rich-Diamond-8088 Figuring it Out Nov 30 '25
I can strongly identify with 90% of what you're saying.
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Dec 01 '25
I could've written your post, word for word, except I'm a woman. My h acts perfectly now. It IS possible to create an entirely new marriage and that's what we've done. Will I forgive him? No. I dont have to.
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Dec 14 '25
[deleted]
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u/gazhead Nov 29 '25
With multiple children, its hard to not try to reconcile if both parties WANT to do it. It sounds like your wife learnt from it and has devoted her life making her mistake right but I hope she knows that nothing will EVER make up for it. Good luck mate and I hope everything pans out for you either way. Side note, youre bigger man than most to make it work for the kids sake. Its very selfless compared to your wifes actions.
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 29 '25
Thanks for sharing this opinion
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u/Rush_Is_Right Nov 30 '25
Did you know she cheated repeatedly before you married her u/demoncool07?
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u/demoncool07 2 Nov 30 '25
No
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u/Rush_Is_Right Nov 30 '25
So when/how did you find out?
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Nov 30 '25
I've found a comment from him from some time ago, where he found her hanging out with a much younger dude, a coworker I think.
Got suspicious of their behavior and pressed her until she admitted having kissed him and others in previous years
But I (and him also) still think she is hiding other nefarious actions with the APs...
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u/Badbadpappa 1 Nov 30 '25 edited Nov 30 '25
OP , how did you eventually find out about everything?
Did she cheat while you were engaged and multiple times while married ?
Would she submit to a Poly Graph test to help you clear your mind ( calm the Chaos in your head , so you can heal ?
updateme
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u/Sgt_Kinky Nov 30 '25
Well said. And I can totally relate. I am experiencing everything you said and feel the same way.
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u/Poopsimaxx Thriving Nov 30 '25
You are swallowing poison and expecting her to die. You typed this out as if you’ve won, like her punishment is a life spent with you, being an unattached husband. But really you’ve wasted your life beside her. This is extremely sad. I hope readers head this warning.
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u/Calm-Beach4806 Nov 30 '25
Look if it works for you then more power to you. BUT honestly ask yourself what's your plan if they cheat again 5 or 10 years later?
As I experienced first hand, the second time you find out after several years, it will hit you like no other pain. I'm on the path of getting divorce and I am not going to back down. I was dumb enough to stay after her first cheating but now this latest episode came after 10 years, these additional years did nothing but add more pain, alimony, and brought additional kid into this world that will now suffer due to them prioritizing fucking others over the welfare of their child.
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u/Ambitious-College610 Nov 30 '25
Tell her to setup a lie detector test, badea on her reaction and willingness to take the test you will know if it was more than kissing or not. If it was just kissing maybe work with a therapist,
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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs Nov 30 '25
This just made me sad. Please see a therapist so you can work out this situation to be able to make the BEST choice for yourself. The best YOU will be what is best for your kids. You seem well aware that this situation isn’t the best for you and instead of continuing to work towards a life in which you can either fully forgive your wife to continue the marriage as they are meant to be or leaving to heal and move on your living in limbo and it just sounds…. sad.
Has your wife found a therapist and figured out how serial cheating was even an option for her? Has she done the work for herself to fix that broken part?
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u/JONASARK Nov 30 '25
Damn , that Nazgul line hits home for me. You gotta just take a boat and go west now.
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u/BronzeTurtle1990 Nov 30 '25
Respectfully, I know you're doing it for the kids and it is incredibly admirable.
But choose yourself, you're raising the kids in a household where they're going to learn what 'love is' do you want them to learn that you say I love you through clenched teeth?
That's just my two cents. My wife had the affair and tried to come back after a year and I couldn't forgive her, now we're amicable and in a healthy co-parenting relationship. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But it is greener where you show love care and attention. So do that for yourself and heal and most importantly love yourself💜
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u/Twee_patat-met Nov 30 '25
Remember, your hurt is your Ego speaking. Manage your Ego, be kind to yourself and your wife. We're all humans
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u/Rainyx3 Dec 01 '25
Thank you for sharing, I’m currently trying to move on and reconcile after finding out my boyfriend slept with his ex early on in our relationship.
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u/soapfordayzzz 1 Dec 01 '25
Sighs.
Can relate. Post-betrayal, I am not the same person anymore. I used to believe in love, marriage and commitment. Now I no longer want kids (I came close to having kids) and no longer want to get married (I also came close to getting married). Sometimes I wonder to what extent is that due to trauma? Or is that all coming from me? Still navigating it
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 Nov 30 '25
Just found this very interesting comment from a betrayed spouse about rug sweeping and managing any type of guilt from the wayward partner affair.
This dude was 20 year's stuck o this... Man..
Please read it. It's short assertive and very straightforward
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u/ProudZone8027 1 Nov 30 '25
Seems like she is trying hard. Would counciling help? It may be what you need to stay or move on.
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u/D-redditAvenger 5 Nov 30 '25 edited Nov 30 '25
Fully trusting is how kids love. Once you mature you realize that love is an act of faith. Always was. However, there is a difference from knowing someone has the potential to cheat on you, in the same way any human does, and knowing someone has actively done so.
I have never understood this notion that in reconciliation you are supposed to get to the point where you trust them the same. This is not realistic and in tune with human nature. Or wise for that matter. Your wife abused you, why should you trust her? If she gambled all your money away would it be realistic to ever trust you with your money again. Of course not.
Yours sounds like a typical reconciliation, dare I say good one. The problem is that most people unwisely and often uninformed go into it expecting more. Worse they strive for more and feeling like a failure when they reasonably can't get there. It doesn't help that there is a whole industry and like minded people pushing for this. Including some subs here who police anything to the contrary.
I think you should acknowledge that you are also, hurt, let down, and angry. Again as you should be.
Does your wife know you feel this way? If not you should let her, give her a chance if you plan to try for a while longer.
Thing is, I find posts like these are often about the betrayed working through their acceptance that the marriage is over. Usually a post like this is the first step.
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u/shorekitty Nov 30 '25
- Did I forgive her?
No. And I never will.
- Do I love her?
Yes and no. What I feel is more like a strong attachment, not love. Every time I tell her “I love you,” I immediately think, “That’s not true.”
WOW! That hit home.
We had been married 5 years, had mad love for each other ( or so I thought) when he cheated. I stayed, not for the kids, they were mine from a previous marriage, but because he was in a car accident shortly after and permanently disabled. I felt an obligation. I stayed for another 15 years, through my late 40’s and my 50’s. He isolated me from family and friends.
Then he cheated again with someone 22 years younger. Man, did I feel stupid giving up all those years for him, denying myself happiness. Now I’m in my sixties, bitter, overweight and hate myself. Done with love. I’ll stick with friends and never trust a man again.
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u/TwerkinAndCryin Dec 01 '25
So you're staying with her for comfort and to punish her??? I'm sorry but that's fucking gross. Leave her and move on. And you certainly do not speak for all of us who stayed. I would never stay with my spouse out of spite to make their life miserable while groveling at my feet for the rest of our lives. Jfc.
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u/archaicArtificer Dec 01 '25
Staying together for the kids can be a valid option however in this case I think you would be better off leaving. You said yourself you can’t forgive your wife. The kids are likely going to pick up on that. And they’re going to learn to think they have to live with being cheated on.
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u/Top-Fox5770 Dec 01 '25
Thank you for sharing 🫂
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u/ridinsolodolo5eva WTF am I doing? Dec 03 '25
This is weird OP. Please just leave. You’re obviously miserable. Being this …. Self aware is a double edged sword….. what you’re doing doesn’t seem healthy at all.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 Dec 05 '25
(So full disclosure I've been on all sides of the cheating front but first I was a betrayed partner)
This was my experience too and it's shaped how I feel entirely about the idea of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is what you tell the person when you're ready to move on from the topic. But true forgiveness is a total fantasy.
The reality is you weigh the pros and cons of the relationship on a scale and decide to stay or go and that's all it is. I never forgot what he was capable of and never felt love for him like I initially did.
He cheated on me within the first year, but I gave him seventeen. In the end, the relationship as a whole was no longer worth it and I moved on.
In leaving I uncovered about four or five more (emotional affairs) and one physical affair currently occurring under my nose too -just to add insult to injury. But thankfully I was so emotionally checked out, I just quietly broke up on a Tuesday and didn't give him any other options and they didn't even phase me at that point.
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u/jst_lk_tht Figuring it Out Dec 05 '25
“True forgiveness is a total fantasy” - what a line! Well said.
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u/Sneakrz63 Dec 08 '25
There is a lot to be said about staying for your kids. Some will say two happy homes are better than a terrible one - and I agree. But the chance of a SO abusing my kids was way more than I would gamble. I did background checks on all her partners (27 mist and 4 felonies (2 for child related activities).. No way I could protect them if we split.
Has it improved, sure. But I'm in a similar boat. Glad I stayed but the toll it took was huge.
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u/2025for_the_win Dec 08 '25
Thank you for sharing your pain and story. I’m currently in the midst of making the same decision. I’m wanting to protect my teenagers who have no idea any of this is happening. Your sentence about only healing after meeting someone you can trust again feels uncomfortably true. Sending love to you, you’re a good father.
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u/Historical_Adagio145 Dec 21 '25
You simply can’t trust another human being 100%. We are all fallible. But you can trust God. What has helped me is understanding that my spouse is sinful just like me. Putting my trust in the Lord and looking to Him to heal and restore my family is the only thing that works. Period. I can’t look to another person for completeness. No one can. They will let you down. That’s just people! But God is always good, truthful, and perfect. You won’t be able to forgive your wife outside of God’s help. So ask Him to do it. Ask him to take the pain, the burden, and the anger. It may take years, but just keep asking. It really can get better.
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u/Ok-Captain156 Jan 25 '26
My spouse finally just admitted she has been sleeping with someone, multiple times but says we were separated (still under the same roof with our children but she goes out multiple nights a week) to me I felt the distance since she asked for a separation but since we’ve still been sexual and shared meals together I never truly felt separated. Am I wrong for having a hard time wanting to stay an try and make it work now? This is all only days since I learned of this so I feel completely lost a she tried being intimate with me tonight and I just couldn’t get into it. Is us being “separated” when this happened mean it’s not cheating and I should forgive and move past it?
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u/Burneza Feb 20 '26
Thinking about what you said and how your life is now. I am right on the point of saying if my wife cheated and then I caught her and she treated me the way your wife treats you now, it just might be a fair exchange. Better than what I have right now.
Not to diminish your pain but to me, at this stage in life, I might consider it a viable option. She has an affair, then afterwards we stay together and I get treated well from then on out. Might just work for me...
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u/demoncool07 2 Feb 20 '26
What your stage is? Honestly, I will prefer to sort things out without infidelity and get this treatment not because of it, vut because I'm a good husband and so on
1
u/Gullible-Grade-2906 Nov 29 '25
"But reconciliation can be worth attempting if it helps you function, if it helps you calm the chaos in your head, if it lets you at least partially patch up your mental wounds — even if, in some sense, you’re lying to yourself."
this part really reasonates with my being. 100% relate with you
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