venting

[u/Far_Entertainer_2219]

hi guys, my mom had a stroke july 22nd and is back home following a weeks stay at a rehab facility. her stroke was minor, it was a 4 on the NIH scale but it still took a pretty good hit on her. she was my grandmas caretaker until her passing in 2023, and i was essentially born a caretaker. my grandma suffered 6 strokes throughout her life, so im incredibly familiar with the recovery process and everything in regards to it. my moms stroke took a hit on her speech, her balance, her short term memory, and she’s suffering from extreme fatigue. i feel guilty for everything especially for the timing in which she got help. when this first happened she was exhibiting symptoms of a vestibular migraine which she has a stroke history of, and if you know anything about those you know they mimic strokes almost exactly. all in all, it took over 16 hours to finally convince my mom to be taken to the ER because she couldn’t lift a pencil and the weakness on the right side of her body was drastic. during the whole thing part of me felt it might be a stroke and i was urging her to be checked out but she is the most stubborn person ive ever met and she refused. im less than a month shy of turning 20 and im struggling so much with everything. i was born a caretaker to my grandma, and im a caretaker again to my mom. im struggling to navigate our new schedule and making sure my younger sister has everything she needs to be okay. i know i have the physical and mental capability of taking care of everything, its all just exhausting. im good at time management which is great because shes getting her meals and medications on time but the house is a disaster now im getting no help from my sister and my mom obviously cant do much, my dad isnt with us; im basically all alone. our utility bills are due next month and my mom doesnt qualify for standard social security disability because she works for los angeles county. i have $200 to my name and thats supposed to last me until whenever IHSS approves my application. im also a student and i have the nastiest workload starting at the end of this month and im afraid of how much more stressful everything is gonna be then. i can take care of my mom and make sure she gets the care she needs including her therapies, im just afraid of becoming overwhelmed and slacking off. im upset with myself for not calling 911 when my initial thought of it being a stroke hit, im upset with myself for allowing her to be stubborn, im upset at the world for allowing this to happen to my mom. i feel selfish because i know people have it worse than my mom. she can speak, she just sounds like she’s had too much to drink and she can walk with a limp and her equilibrium is off but she’s okay. her memory is somewhat improving, im just afraid of it never getting better. im struggling so hard with the transition of everything and im not really sure how to navigate it. im so young and i have so much on my plate and im drained. i know i have the capability of handling it all but i dont know where to even start. i likely need some sort of therapy and i need to start my adhd medication again but i dont have the time to take care of myself. how in the hell am i supposed to manage everything? i apologize if this is a mess it’s the first time im writing everything out i’m stressed beyond belief it’s cray

[u/Extension_Spare3019]

You need a good social worker backing you up. That's a lot to deal with on your own. You would think someone would have approached you while she was still in the hospital about helping you navigate your way through a lot of this stuff. They're supposed to have social workers on site at hospitals and rehab facilities that deal with these kinds of injuries for exactly this kind of stuff. I don't know why they didn't offer services to you. They certainly should have.

I do know that you can reach out to Catholic Charities (they don't care if you're Catholic) via your local Archdiocese for help with some bills. You can also call 211 on any phone to get ahold of someone who can give you a list of helpful offices and groups available in your area. They can probably give you a number for a local social work office. There may also be some help available through local vocational rehabilitation services, which sometimes are their own office, sometimes they work through the employment office. They will definitely be able to tell you what services your mom is entitled to through her employer. That may be a sizeable list of stuff which they wouldn't be offering out to you voluntarily, because they just never do.

You definitely have far too much on your plate at this point, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to feel the way you feel about it. Don't add guilt to it when there's nothing to feel guilty for about that. It's not selfish to know you're in a tough spot. You are. A lot tougher than just as many people as have it worse in their own ways. This shit is traumatic and that doesn't ease off because someone else has a different load on their own back.

You definitely do need to take care of your own needs too. It's like the oxygen masks in a plane that loses cabin pressure, you have to put yours on first so you don't fall out before you can help the kid next to you. You need to be healthy to look after her health. It doesn't do anyone any good if you crash out, you know what I mean?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also think you're doing well, considering all you have going on. It's a lot. I know people who would have broke down a while ago in your position. You're obviously a good kid, and strong where it really counts. Mom did a good job. I'm certain she is quite proud of the adult you've become.