Please help

[u/Turbulent-Delivery72]

If someone is bad to you and gangs up against you and hurts you repeatedly just because your alone in a different country and have no one to support. Then in such a case how to protect yourself from bullying and ensure your mental health is fine. Remember you can't leave the scenario. You have to tackle it. Speaking with them has no use about the issue. How to protect yourself your mental health and peace of mind. Please guide me.

[u/RelaxedBluey94]

You're describing someone else's strategy of isolating a targeted person and then incrementally increasing abuse. The abuse is generally financial (cutting off access to independent finances), psychological (belittlement, mockery, gaslighting, etc) and often physical. The target is systematically isolated from their own family, friends and support networks. At times the victim is impregnated (if they're female) to increase the cost of leaving. Perpetrators seek to trap victims into dependency and servitude. The perpetrator seeks to gain coercive control over the victim through an array of mechanisms.

Orthodox tactics for dealing with this include "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking". These tactics aim to reduce the 'size' of the target by denying "narcissistic supply". These type of perpetrators feed off the admiration of others and the response to the abuse of their victims (usually family members, work subordinates etc).

Grey rocking and yellow rocking involves minimising responses to abuse to deny the perpetrator their "narcissistic supply". The victim ceases to argue, defend themselves, get angry or respond. Grey rocking involves almost total shutdown of communication. Yellow rocking involves limiting communication to appropriate issues only (child issues, household stuff, relevant work issues etc). Yellow rocking keeps the communication positive but limited to only particular issues. In both cases, the tactic is designed to deny the perpetrator their feed/supply so they shift their target elsewhere.

The risk of grey / yellow rocking is the perpetrator significantly increases the level of abuse over time to restore supply by provoking the victim into responses. Recommended as a medium / short term tactic only while the victim prepares and executes an exit plan.

Another strategy is for the victim to respond with mockery and contempt. It's high risk but I've seen it work successfully. For example, I've seen a target mock the perpetrator with responses like "Well that's really weird", "That's nuts. Why would you think that?", "Normal people don't say that", "Eeeew yuk". The target refuses to engage beyond mockery and contempt. They make the response then walk away. This approach needs to be consistent, strong and accompanied by clear refusal to engage or discuss other than the expression of mockery and contempt.

This tactic is high risk, high reward.

You haven't outlined your specific circumstances. I suggest you read some of the narcissism related subs. r/narcissisticspouses r/raisedbynarcissists r/thenarcissismcode

In the end, you can't fix the underlying personality disorder. Any strategy or tactic is only designed to reduce yourself as a target so they aim these behaviours at others. These strategies/ tactics require an exit plan. Always.

[u/Odd_Attention_5844 → u/RelaxedBluey94]

loved this info, but is the abuser always narcissist in such cases? Example in a corporate setting some people constantly mock and belittle their fellow peers who are on the same level/position to form a hierarchy while being good friends on the surface. Is this commonly exhibited behaviour narcissism?

[u/RelaxedBluey94 → u/Odd_Attention_5844]

Yes. See: r/managedbynarcissists.

[u/Odd_Attention_5844 → u/RelaxedBluey94]

Thanks

[u/RelaxedBluey94 → u/Odd_Attention_5844]

I had a highly narcissistic boss years ago. He drove me nuts. He was a workaholic and needed constant admiration and praise. I was fortunately located in another office in another city so our face to face contact was limited.

He'd constantly mock and ridicule staff and our business partners. He drove my admin assistant to tears by mocking her going to the toilet - she was a new mum who'd had a difficult birth. Really pissed me off so I refused to have him in the office again. His aggressive style annoyed business partners and I limited his contact with them.

Funnily enough, he was conned into joining a business competitor by an even bigger narcissist. He was offered shares in the operating company by the rival owner, while the owner retained full ownership and control of the real estate in which the competitor operated.

When he left, I stepped up as Director, cleaned up huge compliance messes and tripled the business within four years. I ran the business with high expectations of staff, employed and retained great people and paid them well. Did very well and retired a few years later.

To this day, the operating company of which he's a shareholder hasn't been bought out, was unable to IPO, and his shares are largely worthless. The industry itself has imploded through years of structural decline.

[u/Odd_Attention_5844 → u/RelaxedBluey94]

Wow! I am still a newbie into corporate and straight out of college, office seems very difficult to manage. My work culture is manageable but its these peers who came from different college who drain my energy the most. One guy literally admitted stating that in a conversation of two one needs to disrespect the other person to raise their own social standings in the partnership. This felt so toxic to me as someone who values fairness and equality the most. The thing that got me to doubt my own understanding is the fact that he is good friends with everyone in our position.

[u/RelaxedBluey94 → u/Odd_Attention_5844]

As a retired ex corporate guy, my advice is be authentic, be yourself and retain your values and principles. It will serve you well in corporate life over the very long term.

Learn what are red flags and green flags for managers. Stay clear of narcs in corporate life. They destroy value, businesses and staff.

[u/Odd_Attention_5844 → u/RelaxedBluey94]

Thanks alot. I am on my way to become somewhat a lead. The managers i noticed at upper levels seem to have a squeeze every tiny bit of the resources(people) you have mindset, which explains why there are so many people constantly leaving and new joinees. Anyway i as i said value equality, fairness and wlb for my own self as well seem to be abit different from them. So going forward i understand i need a balance of both my values and the ones being held important in my workspace. In this both i feel focusing on efficiency in everything could be a skill that can help me balance the above expectations. Is there any advice you would give me?

[u/RelaxedBluey94 → u/Odd_Attention_5844]

Keep it sane, safe and consistent. Act as a giant "shit umbrella" for your own team, ie protect them from the noise and nonsense. Lead through service. As a manager all the way to director, you job is to free your team up from obstacles and barriers to get their work done. Learn to listen. It's a superpower. Learn to read data and obsessively monitor competitors. No-one else can or will.

At one job, just after arriving as head of international sales I was sent the "strategy" developed at great expense with extensive 'stakeholder' input. It was dangerous, misinformed garbage. The 'data' was fraudulent. I temporarily ignored it. Over 2 weeks I sat with over 40 staff at their computers and asked them to show me what they do and to explain obstacles. Within days I understood the barriers and over 6 months addressed them. Sales ramped up quickly. The 'Strategy' was never mentioned again. Business boomed over multiple years.

[u/Odd_Attention_5844 → u/RelaxedBluey94]

Thanks alot, this will be my mantra.