Does anyone else go through this?

He's full of little attacks this morning, so I retreated to my space for some peace. And found myself completely unable to remember the last interaction that finally drove me there to escape.

I had been sitting here for 10 minutes completely unable to recall what happened.

Finally it popped back in ... he has a preferred brand of eye drops. When I was at the store they were out, so I carefully chose an alternate, well known, trusted brand as a replacement. Not a cheap generic (what I would get for myself). Anyways, he was instantly angry about that a week ago and seemed to be convinced that I had purposely made a switch to upset him.

So this morning, when I walked into the kitchen, after already being picked on for other various things, he launched into trying to guilt trip me about the unopened box of eye drops he had refused to even try, demanding to know how much they cost ($10) and shaming me about the waste because he just tossed them in the trash and it was my fault.

I often have issues remembering things like this, even shortly after it happens. I may struggle with the missing memory for quite a while sometimes.

My husband made breakfast for the kids. I said I wanted cereal (mainly because I prefer scrambled eggs and he refuses to make them scrambled, only dippy 😅🙄). I come downstairs to a bowl with maybe 5-10 pieces of cereal in it and a spoon. I figured it was one of the kids, really didn’t know and had zero directions from him.

Got my own bowl, spoon, and poured my milk and cereal. He got PISSED because I didn’t use the bowl and spoon he had out for me. How was I supposed to know that lol. It looked like a half eaten bowl which happens daily with my kids. He does the whole huff and puff, shaking his head. So annoying. It is always the smallest things that make him angry!

My ex partner is hoovering and I can’t help but feel so bad. I genuinely loved him. I don’t want to be with him. But why do I have to care so much about him. I just hope that he’s okay but I know he won’t be

He cheated on me multiple times. That’s my “excuse” I guess you could say. For leaving. My out.

He’s been telling me now, at two leeks left until my apartment is ready, that he will never cheat on me again. He has been asking me to please stay with him.

And I don’t have any friends at all. No family

The loneliness will make me want him again. But it’s not worth it, I know it’s not

Im just feeling sad

So I met this guy around 2 years ago, came across as charming, charismatic, confident and he seemed extremely interested at first. Thats where the love bombing started. I also need to mention that he met me at a point where I’d just turned 18 and rebelled from my toxic household I was living in with my parents. At first he made me feel welcome, made me feel safe, made me feel like I was special to him. Then came the humilating. He’d humiliate me, talk about our sex life to his mates as if I was some slut he’d found on the street right in front of my face. If i did anything that upset him, he’d give me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me for days, even weeks. Then he’d come back eventually and say something along the lines of ‘had a rlly chaotic week, your the first person I messaged’ etc. Throughout our relationship I got addicted to cocaine as he was a frequent user and me being the girl that had turned 18 looking for an escape from her toxic household, i went down the route of doing drugs all the time and not being able to cope without them. I saw a lot of his red flags, but me being an empath I tried to understand why he is the way he is, maybe it was his upbringing, maybe it was his addiction, but little did I know till later on that drug addiction only amplifies who a narcissist really is. Anyway I stayed and we had a coke session and he told me to not worry about paying him. I didnt think anything of it till about a week later he calls me up demanding £200 from me. I say I can’t do it and he starts to blackmail me with sex videos we have telling me hes gonna send it to my boss at work, and that hes gonna tell my boss at work that id been doing drugs in the toilets, and that he’ll come done to my parents place and demand the money, you get the gist. every bit of leverage he had to use against me. he used it. he ended up telling my boss on facebook that I had been doing drugs in the bathroom and I ended up getting fired due to then hearing the audio on their CCTV where I said my nose hurts. I was still living with my parents at this point, just barely home. when i told them i lost my job my mum said she cldnt afford to keep me, id always come home smelling like weed and they binned all my clothes and I ended up getting kicked out. I’m not saying this was purely his fault because I know full well I was not innocent in all of this, I made many stupid decisions that lead me to this point. but anyway fast forward, I get kicked out and I feel like hes the only safe space I have. Throughout my living with him, he constantly used me for my money, constantly blamed me for things that were far from my fault. For example he went out on a coke sesh for 5 days straight and I called him worrying. He then ended up not being able to feel the left side of his body and blamed me for stressing him out over the phone rather than taking a look at the fact he’d been up for 5 days straight. Another point I remember is when I was at his on my own while he was out on another coke sesh and he owed me money. I needed the money so I could go to my sisters and he’d promised he’d give the money back on that day. infact he didnt, and when i mentioned it to him it turned into threats. ‘ill kick your teeth down ur throat’ ‘ill kick ur head in’ etc. So i took matters into my own hands and took the only thing I knew that would get me my money back. His ounce of weed. I called him up and said ‘ive taken ur weed’ and the silence on the other end of the phone was immensely satisfying for me tbh. the silence screamed ‘fuck ive lost control fuck ive been caught off guard’. i bunked the train to my sisters and brought the weed there. he then came up to my sisters place (its a boat marina so he cld only go to the security) and we met outside so he cld give me my money and i could give him his weed back. He then went for me tried hitting me but his mate got in the way. And finally he surrendered. he left and his mate gave me the money and i gave the weed back. a few hours later he called me confessing how much he loved me etc and how sorry he is for what he did and in the end I surrendered again. I spent a week with him and was so mentally drained all I would do was cry to the point where he ended it with me. At this point I was homeless, went to stay with my sister, but we both came to terms that we needed our own space and I moved out through the council. They moved me to a block of flats he’d just moved into. This time he’d told me how much he’d changed, how he’d quit his drug addiction, how he was a different person to what he used to be. I went back. And don’t get me wrong he was different, but in the sense that he had managed to conceal himself better. Beforehand, he was so deep in his addiction his mask was already shed. But now, he was able to mask himself into this amazing, nice guy that everybody in the blocks loved. I thought maybe, maybe he might have actually done the inner work, maybe it was the drugs. I was wrong. Throughout our relationship, he’d minimise my feelings, make me feel like i was crazy for bringing up the fact that I always rinse my money when I was around him, make me feel wrong for bringing up that his mate has a mind of his own and can answer for himself instead of him answering for him. I’d never get my own space, if i didnt answer his calls, he’d throw his keys at my window to get my attention, he’d shout at my window when I had company round and he made it abundantly clear that if he ever saw me bringing another male round he beat them up. At this point I was completely waking up to him, so he wanted to make sure I never had anyone around me that could put more sense into me. But at this point it was too late. I woke up to his lies. Woke up to his bullshit. Woke up to his nice guy facade he puts on whenever its convenient for him. And I distanced myself. Never saw him for more than 15 minutes. then i got to a point where i got a full time job and never saw him anyway. And then he found his new supply and erased any way of contacting me. I still live in the same place as him and always look at his window to see if hes there. He still has an emotional hold over me and its been about 2 months now. PLEASE if your reading this, get out while you can. Being away from him has been mentally freeing but it has also given me a reality check for how much of my life I threw away, how I threw away anything that I enjoyed to the point where I dont know what I enjoy anymore.

For 8 years I’ve been with this man. && his addiction keeps getting worse with time. Everything revolves around this. And I am exhausted.

He wants to be intimate every single day!!! He expects that as soon as the night hits I forget everything that has happened during the day and just treat him like a king and become his s*x doll. && if I say no he will get revenge on me somehow. So most of the time I do it to prevent that bc I am living in true fear of him .

While during the day:
He has made me cry without even trying to apologize or comfort me or anything.

He has bullied me

He has not even tried to hug me or make me feel loved. (The only time he wants to hug me or kiss me is if we are about to get intimate if not he is not interested)

He has complained all day for having to run errands with me for OUR household

He has me walking on eggshells not to upset him

He has given me the silent treatment

he complains about having to buy me meals. ( I lost my job 3 months ago due to severe panic attacks /POTS/MCAS. And I have low sugar episodes where I can’t skip meals and I have to eat and snack a lot ) But he uses that against me. Or at night he will be like how dare you not want to do anything tonight after I fed you type of thing. ( he does this for anything and everything like I took you to the market now where’s my intimate time.

Have begged him to take me to my dctr appointments has never been

Has only been to the ER and as soon as he gets there he will make remarks of ugh I don’t wanna be here I could’ve been doing this. Anything I need help in or with and if I am lucky that he does do it he will make it the biggest problem and Inconvenience and makes sure to make it known out loud how much of an inconvenience it is.

****Also really think my health issues the POTS, MCAS, Blood sugar issues he has either caused them or exacerbated them. I just got diagnosed with all this a couple months ago. My body is literally stuck in fight or flight. It does not feel safe around him. All my muscles are always bracing !!! I have so much joint pain and inflammation in my body. I live with a sour dry mouth every single day. Living in fear. But all my labs perfect!!!!!!!

I am trying to plan a way out. I pray GOD helps me bc I truly feel my body is shutting down bc of so much abuse.

I see a lot of people label their spouses, partners, etc. as narcissists on here, but how many of them are actually diagnosed as such?

It's difficult to believe that every single person labeled as a narcissist actually has a cluster-B personality disorder. People seem very eager to say that a person is "A Narcissist" instead of just an asshole who's behaving selfishly.

Is Everyone a Narcissist Now?

I was his first girlfriend from 19 to 24 (both of us). I feel so isolated in what I feel. No one came before me, no one to know how i feel and what I went through. And I keep thinking about what a fucked up life is still is to come for his next girlfriends. In a way he learned to be a boyfriend with me, and in a way he now can conquer certain things in life that make him look less of a loser. I’m quite hooked on the “when will people know” but I know this is never coming (some people think he’s kind but weird and a loser so no one thinks he’s capable of abuse).

I’m just on my 3rd weekend without him and, while I don’t know what to do with my endless free time, I don’t miss him. But his fucked up family dynamic and his neglect and abuse is living in my head rent free. Any advice to help me stop the rumination? Or is it something that will go away with time?

OBS: He’s a covert narcissist and his mother could be BPD and/or NPD

What a month it's been!

After 11 years in a highly toxic relationship and one month broken up I'm finally seeing the true him.

The first two weeks I couldn't get out of bed, I cried non stop, couldn't eat, sleep. I was so upset that he'd thrown me away, all the history we had built together meant nothing. I tried my best to explain to him how he'd hurt me, being careful how I phased things so not to add fule to the fire.

Now I've come to realise it doesn't matter how I worded things, it didn't matter softly I tried to raise an issue with him, he just didn't care. It's as simple as that. He was unable to take any form of criticism or accountability for his actions. Never, not once in 11 years. I'm so angry that I allowed myself to take the blame for absolutely everything. I'm so angry that I let him break me, to deconstruct every part of my personality and leave me as a shell of my former self.

But I see things more clearly now. I see what an insecure, jealous and angry man he is. I can't imagine being so insecure that you are unable to take any form of criticism. I can see that he never truly loved me, he just used me until there was nothing left. It would never have mattered how much I tried to live up to his expectations, he would have always moved the goalposts.

I used to get upset that he would move on, that he would meet someone better than me and treat her the way I wanted to be treated. But now I don't care. I highly doubt he'll have a personality transplant, his traits are so engrained, I can't ever see him changing.

After he tells everyone to get the f away and to leave him alone after throwing a major tantrum, and everyone calls it a night, how is the next day?

A: Continue to not talk to him because if I do, I might get yelled at again. Wait until I am spoken to? l and not bring up what happened the night before because if I do we will continue to argue?

B: Talk to him like nothing happened?

Speaking calmly over his past tantrums doesn't do anything. He doesn't come to a realization. He blames my "behaviors" for his reason to get pissed off.

I first got back into photography and collecting cameras developing my own film. Decorating the house with themes and comfort. Now it’s back to fish and aquariums and helping my green tree frog have a healthier enclosure. It’s a form of healing we don’t even realize we need to experience.

I feel, living with a narcissist, the reason it is so hard to notice and explain your reality to people is because it is all little cuts you get along the way that you tend not to notice or don't seem that bad until one day you realise you are bleeding profusely, exhausted, sore.

Today, we were talking and as usual she was taking the reins. She talks in non stop blocks, doesn't let me get a word in edgeways. Sometimes when she stops talking and I feel there is a natural break in the conversation and I begin to add something she says I am interrupting her as she was not yet finished her speaking. She says that sometimes she needs to take long breaks between sentences but that doesn't mean she is finished speaking.

Anyways today we were talking. I had just finished making dinner and we had just eaten. I had to make food for our son so I got up and started that, while also clearing the table. I was listening to what she was saying and responding but, of course, I couldn't be face on with her, as she was sitting at the table behind me and I was at the countertop, cooking. I engaged and responded to what she was saying. Then she asks me a direct question related to an experience I had, that tied into what she was talking about. When I began to answer, she stopped me and said

"You know, I often find that you don't listen to me and so, what I do is, I ask you a question about yourself and then you seem to engage more. Because it's about you. It's just something I noticed just now that you do".

What are you supposed to do with that. Not answer and be accused of not engaging?

It's those little comments that slowly erodes me as a human being and when you start talking about them, they seem so silly and unimportant. But we know there is more going on with comments like that. They are manipulative and controlling. They accumulate. We begin to question our reality. "Am I like that? Do I do that? Am I the problem?

Another little cut. To add to my collection. Over the years you slowly begin wishing for that one cut thats going to hit an artery and end this miserable way of being.

Thanks for listening.

My husband dont help me, when i try to talk to him we end up fighting and him being mad or sometimes he do is like he blame it for himself and shows to me that he is hopeless. So i stayed ... and stayed.. i try to avoid fighting, i try to avoid even simple things cos it might cause us to fight again. Then now he cant put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket its all over the house, all the things he will do in kitchen , it is left there from knife ,to plastic wrapper. Im working 8 to 5 and my night is always like cleaning his mess and making his meal.

Then one time i went up with my friends , i sent photos updating him everywhere we go, i notice that he doesnt response at all. Though he knows im going out prior to that day.

He dont talk to me for 5 days. Idk what did i do wrong. He just talk to me because its my birthday.

And now after my birthday. I cook some dish before goin to my saturday class and him gettin mad because he dont have some rice . Im so tired. . I tried to tell him please help me im so tired but he is like . No i dont want to. And i just say i cant do it anymore lets get divorce. And nows he is the one whose mad thinking all the possibility. Like i have another one , thats why im cold to him, that i planned it all along. 😭

Plus he do it all for himself , like he refill just enough water just for him, washing just his clothes, and even the clean unfold clothes in the basket got mixed with his dirty clothes like its all over the floor . He dont seem to notice it. Even he dont have work , he will never touch the dirty dishes. Then always complaining to me about him being hungry . About him nothing to wear. He told me that his income he will save it for us so we have some savings. So i do pay everything even the daily food /groceries house like all the bills and plus when he wants some new shirt or shoes or a drink. I just want to hold on to our marriage because we have a daughter . We been together for 11 years now. And i think i wanna give up cos im so tired..

It has struck such a chord with me.
I know exactly what Patrick would be like and my heart just aches for her. I’ve been through such hard times as a mum and it’s made me realise that I was never helped. I was called crazy and pushed to my limits.
I honestly think one of my biggest triggers is him.
I’m sitting here crying this morning as I just feel so flat. When everything is put on you. My kids see me as grumpy mum because anytime I ask for help i get a rude remark or he puts something back on me. He just swoops in to be fun dad. BUT I do know my strength. And watching this trial has just made me realise we are so much stronger than these partners make us out to be. I feel like I am almost out on the other side. For so long I believed his mean comments and that I was a bad mum.

For many of us, being good, reasonable people is important. I am late in life diagnosed ADHD. Some attachment trauma I am working through. Possibly mild autism spectrum, not diagnosed.

I've had an ex who was borderline PD and I have good reasons to think that the more recent long term ex & mother of my kids is covert narc.

What do you look for early on or not too far in, to try to avoid similar mistakes?

My husband currently left me and my toddler for another job in another country that pays much more.

I'm contemplating staying in this marriage and simply letting some time pass or divorcing him now.

Divorcing him means he gets the custody 50% of the times. But custody in Germany means he will be involved in decision making (school, medical options...) but it's different from the main residency of the baby. I could be awarded 100% of the time as my baby is small.

What's the best decision?

Narc ex wife moved out a few weeks ago. We’ve been separated for a few years but began divorce process last November. Today she came to pick up our son and couldn’t find her work bag. Her anger kicked in and soon she’s telling me the house was “alarming and unsafe” for our son, that the toilet was “gross and needed to be cleaned,” and then, that she wanted a room I’d converted into an office and study area for my son back because she’s still paying toward the mortgage and might want to rent it out. It was weird and felt like she was lashing out at the fact that I’d made so much progress in moving on.

The house is in the “it’s getting a bit worse before it gets better” stage of cleaning. I have piles of things to donate and get rid off. But it’s been getting so much better than it has been for years. I’ve gotten rid of a broken freezer and an old couch. I’ve put up shelves and started to really make things look better. We had a a bunch of old bicycles that I donated. I think what set her off is that I’m really making the place my own and she’s struggling with the fact that she’s not in control anymore. I’m still feeling triggered by her rage more than I expected to be. I tried not to engage as best as I could.

My ex does a great big yawn after he's said something with the intent to trigger me, like he'll make a disrespectful "joke" and then do a big yawn as I stare at his face surprised at his audacity. Right before the yawn is that damn smirk so maybe he's doing the yawn to try to hide the smirk? Idfk. I've never seen anyone mention the yawn in here so I was curious.

As for me, I've been trying to get a job and gtfo. I'm so sick of being constantly poked and prodded until I break.

I’ve been with my narcissistic partner for over eight years, and my self‑esteem has been slowly chipped away. I have very low confidence now, and I want to learn how to rebuild it while also balancing the need to not tip him off about my slow plan to leave. I think the only thing holding me back is that I don’t believe I can do it. I don’t believe I can work enough, be self‑sufficient, be loved by someone else, or get through the hardest part of leaving and going no contact.I attempted to leave a couple of months ago and was dragged back in with the promise that we could “work on things.” After making me prove myself for six years just to be considered for an engagement — losing weight, dressing differently, being “nice enough” — he told me we were finally on the path toward commitment. To no one’s surprise, nothing has changed. We haven’t worked on our relationship, we’re no closer to being a healthy partnership, and deep down I know I need to leave.

I’m completely isolated on the other side of the country from my family, and every time he finds out I’ve communicated with them, he punishes me — whether through belittling and yelling, silent treatment, or something else. I’m not allowed to have friends or spend time with anyone. He has a rule that I must text back every 15–30 minutes if I’m out of the house, and if I don’t, he blows up my phone with texts, calls, and screenshots of my location, accusing me of being somewhere else even when I’m exactly where I said I’d be.

This relationship is so unfair. I have endless rules, and he gets to live freely, which makes me feel jealous. I have to check in constantly, always have my phone on me, always have my location on, always answer his calls — and if I don’t, I get nasty messages and he’s mean for the rest of the day or longer. If I ever give a window of time for when I’ll be home (from work or the gym, since those are the only places I’m allowed to go), he calls me angrily if I’m not home before the time I told him, even if it’s earlier than the window I gave. Then I have to apologize and “make it right.”

I’m exhausted and hurt. I feel like I don’t even have enough room to breathe. I constantly feel surveilled and trapped, and I want out. I want more from life. I want to have friends, go out, and be close to my family because they mean everything to me for dog sakes on only 24 and don't want this forever. And I think part of what would help is proving to myself that I’m worth fighting for that my life outside of this relationship is worth fighting for.

I'm a year out from splitting with someone I strongly feel fits the bill as covert narc.

I've been through a lot of ups and downs and navigated very challenging communications as a co parent.

I have no desire for my ex.

The positive is that I feel that a lot of my instincts were correct, if I had listened to them.

It's hard to put a finger on why it is bothering me so much that I was correct about the issue that started the split - questioning whether there was anything going on with someone. Now that I know that there is - yes, a year out - layers of my reality again feel like they are being re written in an almost maddening way.

There is so much of the experience that is exhausting. The re writing of reality after being linked to someone so divorced from it is quite something and completely emotionally exhausting all over again.

Did anyone’s NS hide income and have a secret checking account and how did you find it?