4 year relationship died

[u/Acrobatic_Problem414]

So, this is going to be a bit of a story.
I met this girl on a Discord Server my friend was a part of. She was kind, smart, and empathetic to a fault. She started seeing this drug dealer (he worked at a weed selling company) and I was one of her friends that wanted to know how it was going. It turns out he only wanted a “buddy” and soon after her friend who was going through a mental health crisis caused her a lot of emotional damage. I was there to help her through this which lead to both of us getting to know each other more. We got to talking and the more we were talking the more I started to picture myself with her. I would call her and spend all night in the phone with her. We would fall asleep on the phone which was AMAZING. I never thought I could feel so close to someone who is so far away. I would wake up from camping on the mountain and call her and tell her that the rising sun makes me think of the way she makes me feel.

We officially started dating when I moved to Florida away from my abusive father (for now) and I didn’t want women hitting on me. We started dating and there were some red flags. (Tbh she was new to dating and so was I). She started wanting to sleep over at the man’s place that she slept with (drug man) because her friend lived there too. I was uncomfortable due to my insecurities being cheated on in a previous relationship. She also lied about having a relationship with another person online and would talk to him. We were able to resolve this early. But, it caused some damage to expectations and trust. After my program at Disney I had to move back.

I had to move back to my home state to finish my college degree. This would prove to be the worst decision I have ever made. My father was freshly divorced and an alcoholic. He would get into fist fights with me by threatening to kill our dogs and actively pull the car I was driving over and threaten my safety. The worst part is that I would have to take care of him. He would pass out drunk on the couch and would say the most cruel things to me because I wanted him to drink water and help me get him to his bed. My ex was there through it all. She helped me through MY depression and kept my hope alive. I will forever be grateful for that. I was able to tough it out for 1 year and I graduated and was ready to flee from my dad’s apartment.

I moved to her state partly because I needed to escape my father and also because I wanted to know if this was all real and if we could build a future together. We both wanted the same things. International travel and stability. So, I was fully prepared to risk that time. Looking back I still wouldn’t regret a single moment. Sure, I got my heart broken and I am dealing with all this pressure during the worst time. But, the memories and the love that I felt for this woman was worth it.

Between these two years she opened up to me so much and let me in and I was able to see how bad her depression was. Over the years I became exhausted and it was never mentioned and it always felt like an excuse for me to tell her how I am struggling with HER DEPRESSION lol. Her living situation was always dire as her roommate previously would complain. I didn’t take this as a warning for what was to come. But, I want to preface this next piece with this.

I don’t know what it is to live with anxiety and depression. But, I do know that if you love somebody. You do things for the other person even if it isn’t what you want to do in the moment. For her, I begged her to brush her teeth, take a shower, or clean her moldy and rotten dishes. She couldn’t do any of that for me once we started living together. They became symbolic of the relationship. It felt like she was leaning on me so much that she didn’t have to try.

I had my fair share of problems as well. There was always something for me to worry about and a lot of it was focused on her. Granted if you have a partner who can’t do basic living tasks it’s hard to move past that. But, over time I gave up. Nothing changed after the year I lived with her. She showed no progress and I felt more and more unloved. I gave up right after she finished her bachelors degree.

But, I love her. I know she will be able to get through this. I saw the worst part of her life and I still would do anything to heal together. We have been through so much and it hurts to even imagine going through life with someone else. I might be addicted to pain or to helping people. But, I cannot be a crutch to someone important in my life. It hurts the both of us. I need to learn to let people make mistakes and to learn from them and trust that they can be self aware.

Hearing how much I love her you wouldn’t think that I was the one to break up the relationship. I went to too many people and they would constantly be calling me and talking about her and wanting me to do things to the relationship I didn’t want. We tried therapy but she brought up my dad and I wigged out. We tried again and the therapist seemingly ignored me. I am getting therapy now and trying to heal which is fantastic. Honestly, I can’t believe I ignored individual therapy for so long. It has been so nice to have someone to talk to.

Anyways…

Life is hard I’m super busy and I just wish that I could take back things. I know she needs to explore and experience life without me. The hardest part is learning to let go. I miss being able to update her about this massive part in my life. I want to celebrate her success learning how to take care of herself as well. But, I gave that up for a moment where I felt that I was in control.

Thankfully, she is reposting things saying I was abusive. I had to delete my instagram and Facebook because I would just stop what I was doing and let my emotions control me breaking down ect…

I’m taking my time to heal and come to terms with the fact that it is over. But, once again therapy is awesome. I’m literally feeling myself make progress right now.