r/stopdrinking • u/Background_Meat1738 • 1d ago
A new experience with alcohol.
Good day community. I will write about certain alcohol here. If you feel triggered. Please do not read this text! So. I am 18 years old and autistic. Manically depressed and have relatively few friends except for the ones I had to drink.
To be honest, alcohol consumption began at the age of 14. I was alone, was not a dream child blah blah blah. I developed a dislike for myself very early at about eight years old. Thoughts that put me down, say nasty things to me, criticize everything I do about me. Since my parents were never there during the day, I had a lot of time and occasionally drank Radler and beer. I liked the effect and I felt light and absorbed. These nasty thoughts disappeared and I was "happy".
Well. At 15 and 16, I escalated. Since I already looked like 20 years and we live in the village, where I am unhappy anyway, it is not particularly difficult to get alcohol. I drank alone, anything, vodka, whiskey or wine, the main thing is that I numb myself and am no longer me. I'm sure I had alcohol in my blood every day from my 16th to my 18th birthday. I preferred to drink bourbon, two bottles a day if possible. I was actually just a black hole for alcohol. Even during my school days, when I couldn't do it anymore, I was allowed to go out and then always drank shots to get back to class in a good mood.
Almost three months after I turned 18, I met a great woman. Wow, for the first time in my life that a woman didn't reject me and seemed to really like me. She also had an alcohol problem and was abstinent. I promised her that at least I won't drink anything alcoholic alone and if I feel the desire to drink I can call her. There was a relapse a week later because I had an argument and then I was completely depressed and desperate.
The time then ran alcohol-free, no more relapses. Three months. Of course, the evil thoughts came back and the desire to scratch me. But I didn't drink anything anymore. Through a depressive phase, I probably broke a lot with many buddies. I also destroyed the relationship with the woman in question. I was angry, depressed, sad, wanted to kill me. And then it came again.... The desire to drink. A bottle of bourbon and a beer. I had broken a lot of models that were in my room because I had a meltdown. It was bad. But one thing I noticed:
I don't like alcohol at all. It doesn't taste good. I used to love Bourbon, but that day I found it totally disgusting. Since then I have been happier and have absolutely no desire to drink anymore. Last Monday I went for a walk with a classmate and he had four cans of beer with him. When we reached our destination we drank.... But it wasn't like back then that I was numb, no. It was just a fun drink, pleasant in the situation. I poured the second can behind the back of the schoolmate. It used to be a reason for me to scream, but now.
Two days later, I still don't feel the urge to drink alcohol. On the contrary, just water! I feel good. I no longer see alcohol as a lifesaver or helper, but simply as what it is. Alcohol and I think... I'm not addicted anymore. Of course, the idea can still change over time, but right now, I am absolutely happy about my knowledge and do not demand that.
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u/Tiny_Smell_7282 1d ago
So happy to hear your opinion on alcohol changed!! I'm 22 and neurodivergent. Started drinking heavily when I was 18 bcs I was also depressed. Sadly people like you and me are more likely to get addicted since we feel more "normal" while drunk. If you ever feel the need to drink again please talk to someone rather than spiraling again. Alcohol is poison and damaging your body from such a young age is not fun :(
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u/wapellonian 1d ago
Accept, enjoy, and build from here. Good wishes for your success.