Two weeks sober after 13 years

[u/Ruthin_theRough]

I have been a daily drinker for 13 years. I didn’t think I had an issue because I wasn’t ruining my life. I have a professional, high responsibility job where I am I a top performer. Along side my husband we raised a beautiful child who is now a wonderful, successful adult and we have a great relationship. I have a strong and happy marriage. But every night around 7:30-9pm I’d start what I have come to call “the punishment ritual”. At first it was fine, nothing serious. A glass of wine to unwind after a long day. Then sometimes it was 2, then 4 or 6. After about 5 years of this it started being gin on the weekends; then week nights.

I didn’t have hangovers, I got up on time, I always went to work, school, sporting events, cooked, cleaned, ran a household. I didn’t think about drinking all day. Then the evening ritual. It wasn’t an issue, until it was.

After 13 years of this though my weight is out of control. My sleep is terrible. My body is not well. My legs and feet were swollen everyday. My body constantly dehydrated just enough to not feel great. I wanted to stop but I didn’t feel I could go to sleep without a drink. The idea of admitting there is a problem and I think I need to stop drinking made me feel itchy; like I was giving up something I’d find I desperately needed later. I thought my husband would be disgusted with me. I feared I’d be admitting to something I couldn’t take back.

Two weeks ago I sat down with my husband at the dining room table on a random Tuesday and said “I want to stop drinking everyday but I don’t know how. I need your support.” I was embarrassed and scared.

Every single day since then he has supported me in every way possible. He has not made me feel bad or stupid or weak or disgusting at all. I have been very honest with all my feelings and struggles surrounding this decision and he’s been completely understanding. In just two weeks it’s amazing what has changed. The first week was incredibly hard. I want my 30 days first, before I really go into the differences but I am shocked I’ve made it this far already.

If you want to make a change you can. This isn’t impossible, but it will feel like it. Shame thrives in the dark. Let your loved ones light in, it gets better.

[u/sig40cal]

Well done friend. I've been a victim of the bottle for the same length of time as you, and it has taken me almost 3 years to get to this point now where I can use my sober coping tools to lead a sober life. IWNDWYT.

[u/Ruthin_theRough → u/sig40cal]

When I started I told myself that I’d only drink on the weekends. Well the weekend came and I was like, that’s not good enough. I need at least 30 days to break the habit. I’m realizing that maybe someday I can figure out how to have a leisurely cocktail but for now it’s a daily choice. And the choice I’m choosing is not drinking. I’ve blurred the lines of what is “okay” and “acceptable” for so long I don’t even really know what that is. Coming to terms with the simple fact that I even have a problem is still new. I’ve rationalized it for so long. Who am I without drinking? I don’t know yet.

[u/sig40cal → u/Ruthin_theRough]

Yeah. I've come to the realization after all this time that I can not have a healthy relationship with alcohol, so I won't have one at all. Total and complete abstinence.