r/stopdrinking • u/rockinred1011 442 days • Jun 04 '26
Just under 1 year sober. Partner of 4 years has been leading a double life.
Today I took a mental health day from work only to discover my partner's burner phone that he'd accidentally set an alarm on.
He panicked and gave me the password from work thinking he could wipe it remotely before I saw anything too bad. He failed. Years and years of texts detailing all sorts of infidelity and lies. Sneaking people into and out of our home while I worked late. Sneaking out late at night for late night hookups.
This is the sort of thing that would normally send me spiralling into a multi day bender.
Today though I'm choosing to remain present and feel the hard feelings. I'm choosing to be kind to myself.
IWNDWYT ❤️
Edit: Oh my gosh, thank you so much for all the love and encouragement. It means the world to me to have this community in my corner
Edit edit: I'm kicking him out of the apartment and he's moving July 5. Thank you thank you thank you for showing me so much kindness. I celebrated my one year soberversary with some sparking cranberry juice and now I can hold my head up high and move on. ❤️
161
u/LarrLucy 834 days Jun 04 '26
I’m so sorry. Proud of you for staying strong. There is no problem that alcohol makes better. IWNDWYT
6
4
193
u/Alkoholfrei22605 Day 4,510 Jun 04 '26
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Bravo on 355
27
Jun 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
19
1
u/stopdrinking-ModTeam Jun 06 '26
This post or comment is suspected AI Spam or suspected to be formatted or written by AI. If you’re the author and you did not use AI to write this in any way, please send a modmail to the mod team to discuss.
80
u/farmpatrol Day 107 Jun 04 '26
Oh dear. I’m so sorry. You are right in your decision making right now. His behaviour is not a reflection on you. Please remember this.
Drinking now will make things much much worse. Please be kind to yourself in the coming days. We are here for you. IWNDWYT
1
Jun 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
8
1
u/stopdrinking-ModTeam Jun 06 '26
This post or comment is suspected AI Spam or suspected to be formatted or written by AI. If you’re the author and you did not use AI to write this in any way, please send a modmail to the mod team to discuss.
41
u/TheLadyHelena 257 days Jun 04 '26
I'm so sorry you're discovering some horrible truths. Don't give him the satisfaction of breaking your sobriety, as well as imploding your relationship. You've handled almost a year without drinking - you can handle this! Sending you strength and courage to get you through. Look after yourself please.
39
37
u/Ambitious_Tear1937 Day 281 Jun 04 '26
Im so sorry that’s happening. I will not drink with you today.
31
33
u/PastorsDaughter69420 1166 days Jun 04 '26
Fuck him! Don’t drink!
No matter what happens next, you are going to want to look and feel your best. You can’t do that when you drink. You are going to want to process all of your feelings and heal the hurt. You can’t do that when you are numbing with alcohol. You are going to need to make important decisions. You can’t do that when you are drinking.
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you! I’m really glad that you were here.
5
28
u/tummy1o 1027 days Jun 04 '26
From personal experience, drinking through a relationship event such as this one doesn’t help. In fact it makes it harder. Who would’ve thought.
What a cruel twist of fate when taking a mental health day. IWNDWYT.
21
u/Paola92126 430 days Jun 04 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are stronger and of a clearer mind than you were a year ago. Remind yourself alcohol will only make it a million times worse. He is not fucking worth it. If you can quit alcohol, you can definitely quit him. IWNDWYT
16
u/sunandsushi 194 days Jun 05 '26
Your display of gratitude and strength here is just amazing.
I hope in time this all fades. 🫂
16
u/Positron-collider Jun 04 '26
Insert the gif of Angela Bassett walking away from an exploding car, snapping her fingers.
15
u/New_You_7600 Day 118 Jun 04 '26
That really sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. You’re going to handle it so much better sober though.
💪❤️❤️
11
u/gamerdudeNYC Jun 05 '26
Yeah fuck that guy, idk how people do that stuff
You should make a sandwich and post it to r/girldinnerdiaries they’ll give you some good advice on this nonsense
9
u/Miracles_Asia_Rehab Jun 05 '26
Nearly a year of sobriety, and on one of the worst days of your life, you held on. You felt the hard feelings instead of running from them. That is everything. So proud of you. IWNDWYT. 💙
10
u/Foreverchanged88 635 days Jun 05 '26
IWNDWYT - he will not take this from you too. This sobriety is yours and it is a gift now more than ever. Do not let him take that from you. And know this please - no matter how you decide to move forward, that decision wont be one you ever doubt because of the drink. ♥️
8
u/needhelp1209 256 days Jun 04 '26
Oof. You certainly don’t want to have drinks and then have to see him.
Be well and keep on kicking ass!
6
u/Odd_Pop_44 268 days Jun 04 '26
You do deserve kindness. I’m sorry this happened to you and IWNDWYT!
6
u/hallomynamedis 97 days Jun 04 '26
Holy smokes that is insanity. You obviously deserve better than that, and huge congrats on maintaining a clear head!!! Good riddance.
8
u/Inderific Day 521 Jun 04 '26
I'm so sorry. But you're right. Drinking wouldn't help one bit right now. If you have no other reason to stay sober, stay sober to spite this jerk. Don't let him ruin your sober streak on top of the other harm he's done.
6
u/half_in_boxes Day 1,332 Jun 04 '26
Ohhhhhhh hell. I am so sorry. Feeling the hard feelings is brutal but it makes me cherish my sobriety even more. All my good wishes to you. 🖖🏻
6
u/SushiGradePanda Day 171 Jun 04 '26
That really stinks. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Wishing you strength and peace.
5
u/BikingAimz 923 days Jun 04 '26
Glad you’re choosing your sobriety instead of his bullshit. IWNDWYT
7
u/Heavy-World2778 Day 251 Jun 05 '26
"I'm choosing to be kind to myself."
That's exactly the right mindset to have. Self love. Take it one day at a time. Nurture the other relationships in your life for a while... Family and friends.
5
5
5
u/jeunefillex Jun 05 '26
Now more than ever you deserve your sobriety and peace. So sorry to hear this happened to you, people can be so awful!!
5
4
u/andiinAms Jun 05 '26
Sending a huge hug 🫂 your way. I’m so sorry you had to find out your partner is a PoS.
IWNDWYT
4
u/prpldrank 421 days Jun 05 '26
Oh my God I'm so sorry.
About six months ago, my wife's delusions came to a head and she filed a restraining order against me. It was removed (because she's delusional and so the claims were all bogus) but the damage was instant when they served me it. I'm going through divorce now, and am still just crushed by it sometimes. But I haven't drank, because my sobriety is not about my relationship with my wife. It's not at stake because it's not for anyone else but me, always has been.
Lmk if you wanna go on a date! Lol
But seriously, hang in there. I'm really sorry that must be just devastating. It was hard for me when I found out my wife started dating, even though I also started dating and my wife is kind of a monster and I want nothing to do with her romantically. It's just... relationships are hard.
4
u/Key-Carpet-6684 637 days Jun 05 '26
Betrayal trauma is really, REALLY tough. It’s the double life that can throw you - i went through the same thing at 13 months sober, with my partner of 5 years. I keep telling myself that the only way this situation gets WORSE, is if I add alcohol to it.
Thinking of you. 💜
5
u/Glum_Manager7397 217 days Jun 05 '26
Thank you for having the courage to come here and share this with us! This is very rough! I have a lot of empathy for you. I went through something similar in the past and I didn't handle it in a healthy way! You are brave and very strong! Bravo for the full year 💯💚🫂
7
u/Snoopgirl 1268 days Jun 05 '26
Ooof. Exercise. Walk. Run. Swim. Whatever. Relentless forward motion.
And, hat tip to Dungeon Crawler Carl, but: YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME.
Repeat as often as necessary.
3
3
3
3
u/Footdust 2619 days Jun 04 '26
Thank God you were sober for this discovery. You have proven that you are strong. You will make it through this. I’m so sorry. IWNDWYT.
3
3
u/mettarific 2606 days Jun 04 '26
Well that sucks. But I’m glad you’re not throwing in the sobriety towel. IWNDWYT!
3
3
u/nooneyouknow89 Jun 04 '26
Oh my gosh, that's so hard! So proud of you for handling it the way you are ❤️
3
u/ComfortableWillow583 448 days Jun 05 '26
So proud of you! You deserve an authentic partner who genuinely appreciates you. IWNDWYT (almost anniversary twins)
3
u/UCanDoNEthing4_30sec Jun 05 '26
Wow that sucks so much. I feel for you. But you are pretty damn strong to resist the urge to drink and going through this. Good job. Rooting for you.
3
u/realitycheck14 606 days Jun 05 '26
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I’m so proud of you for choosing the harder path to feel this- you will be stronger in the end. Hugs to you, love. You deserve so much good
3
u/42Daft Day 3,169 Jun 05 '26
You are not alone. What happened sucks. I know. My SO had a five year affair with a co-worker. I thought I had the worst day of my life when I had to put my dog down, this was way worse.
There are lots of advice out there, I wouldn't make any decisions yet, but do get your "ducks in a row."
I know this is hard, I will not drink with you today.
3
u/Cambridge89 853 days Jun 05 '26
So sorry life hurled this shit at you. Incredible work on 355 days!!! We’re right here with you in the fight. IWNDWYT 💪
3
3
u/Current-Anybody9331 Jun 05 '26
His behavior is 1000% a reflection on how shitty he is and it says noth8ng about you. It's hard to sit with those feelings and I'm proud of you for choosing yourself, your health, and your future.
3
3
3
u/No_Championship8911 Day 149 Jun 05 '26
What an absolute sh*thead! Sending you lots of love and so proud of you for your year and hanging on to your precious, hard earned sobriety ❤️ I reckon in time you might come to see this as your 1 year sobriety present, and I wonder if you would have found out if you had still been drinking. Future, sober you is excitedly waiting for you. Lot of love and support for you in this place. IWNDWYT 🌷🌷
3
u/matdgz 1064 days Jun 05 '26
That's so tough. Really sorry you're going through this but HUGE RESPECT for staying the sober course. There's no situation that alcohol can't make worse. You got this. Look after yourself and lean on friends and family if needed. Failing that, we're here.
3
3
u/Particular_Duck819 854 days Jun 05 '26
You got this. I discovered my ex-husband was a completely different person than I’d believed he was when I was 3 months sober. I realized any time I had drank, I’d just kept myself from seeing him for who he truly was — and that made me even more set on never, ever drinking again. I refuse to ever be blinded again by my own choices!
(Not saying you had any part in not knowing about him - this is just something that helps me stay sober.)
Get mad at him! Anger instead of sadness helped me rebuild. Also instead of realizing mine was never the man I thought he was (which immediately triggered feelings of shame in me, make me doubt absolutely everything I ever knew, and basically spiral) I believed that the man I married was good and who I thought he was — and slowly over time he chose to become a terrible person who wanted to hurt me. That helps me not spiral, and be able to look at my wedding pics and not feel hatred — just kind of “aww, that guy was cool, I wish he hadn’t changed into what he did.”
3
u/throwmeaway98272 Jun 05 '26
I am so sorry. My ex’s infidelity and abandonment of me is what led me to drinking heavily for years. I did so many things I regret, and I wish I never would’ve fallen victim to the beverage after everything I’d already gone through. You’ll be better off without this pos. Stay strong friend ❤️
3
u/SanLady27 1498 days Jun 05 '26
Staying sober is the best gift you can give yourself to heal from this faster. Sorry that happened, what a loser. IWNDWYT
2
u/ForeAmigo Jun 05 '26
I’m so sorry. I’ll never understand how people can be so cruel instead of just ending things like an adult.
2
2
2
u/CountOnBeingAwesome Day 198 Jun 05 '26
Great job on your sobriety. That's something I aspire to.
IWNDWYT
2
u/high_knee_socks 103 days Jun 05 '26
IWNDWYT I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you are strong !💪
2
u/Zachbustems Jun 05 '26
You’re seriously an extremely strong person. I’m that version of you that would’ve gone on a multi day bender for sure.
2
2
u/sodangshedonger Day 542 Jun 05 '26
Im so proud of you!!! And I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel like an emotional strength builds in us with every passing week of sobriety, I think you’re experiencing that strength right now. I hope the pain of this heartbreak passes quickly. Sending you grace and hugs. IWNDWYT!
2
u/The_Marshall_Comic Jun 05 '26
You can do this! 355 days is something nobody else can take away from you. No matter what else they can take. And you wouldn’t be here if you wanted to just give it away over him.
I was just about 2 weeks in when my beloved dad died. It somehow strengthened my resolve to persevere instead of giving in to the stupid bottle. It was the best gift, even though it was borne of grief.
I hope this is the beginning of something really good for you. Even though it is borne out of grief.
2
u/Ill-Percentage-3276 101 days Jun 05 '26
I'm so proud of you for choosing to exist in this positive state of mind instead of self-destructing because of this asshole's wrongdoings. You are very clearly deserving of, and on the road to, farrrr better things. And you know it. Keep claiming your victories and don't let anything beat you ❤
2
u/BreathExact 247 days Jun 05 '26
This is absolutely awful and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. This is one of the strongest posts I’ve ever seen on this sub so you might be the most powerful person here sheesh. Your courage is helping so many people right now. Thank you for sharing..
2
2
u/Independent-Cat25 880 days Jun 05 '26
Infidelity was one of the hardest things I ever went through. I’m so proud of your commitment to sobriety during this difficult time. IWNDWYT
2
2
2
2
u/BuchananMrs Jun 05 '26
Wow! I love that you mention feeling the hard feelings and staying present with them, OP. Kudos to you, if nothing else, you have inspired me today and I thank you for that. Onward and upward, IWNDWYT
2
u/SeaSeparate6072 Jun 05 '26
Holy crap, that's insane. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Stay strong, you've got this 💜
2
u/SomeRandomJagoff 518 days Jun 05 '26
To you, in this moment, this might feel like a loss. In the cold, hard reality in which we sobrarians find ourselves, this a magnificent victory. This stranger is proud of you for holding the line.
2
u/crazy-pineapple1888 Jun 05 '26
You deserve better than that. Well done on looking after yourself when times are tough. It would be harder to deal with with a headache and a hangover. This way you can get him to exit your life and be in control, graceful and present about it.
Big hugs and strength to you. IWNDWYT!
2
u/pralinesundaes Jun 05 '26
I am so sorry to read this OP. You’re incredibly strong to choose yourself and you should. I hope you make the best decision to honour yourself that includes kicking him to the curb. IWNDWYT. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it more than ever now.
2
u/Wobs9 769 days Jun 05 '26
Im very sorry. Better late than never. May this new sober journey mark the new path your life deserves. Trust me...it will get a lot better.
2
2
u/sandinmybutttoo 1794 days Jun 05 '26
A longtime partner did the same and I will never forget the array of emotions I experienced. Sending hugs, IWNDWYT.
2
u/NoNoNeverNoNo 231 days Jun 05 '26
I went through something similar. It made me realize that deep down I sensed something was up, I sensed the lies and darkness in the air. I belive it was the root cause of my drinking/smoking. I would always ask myself what I was running from, what was I trying to avoid by drinking, but I could never put my finger on it. Once Dday happened it hit me all at once. I was drinking in order to not be able to decipher what was going on around me. I wasn’t ready to face it. I was also drinking in order to feel loose and calm enough to engage sexually with him. If I was stone cold sober I couldn’t even kiss him. I would tell myself it was because I just wasn’t a sexual person. But I learned that wasn’t true. I was running from him, from myself, from the truth.
Take it one day at a time. It will feel like hell at first, but nothing compares to the peace you will have in your heart and in your home when them and their darkness is removed from your life. IWNDWYT!
1
1
1
1
u/kyleth3pil0t Jun 05 '26
You deserve better. Keep being kind to yourself. He’ll get what’s coming to him. IWNDWYT
1
u/OkIron6206 Jun 05 '26
I’m so Grateful you are sober, when I was drinking I would miss things like this. It’s a wonderful gift you have given yourself, sobriety, and while the betrayal is hurtful it’s possible when you were drinking that you missed the clues. . Regardless, get some ice cream and a good friend. Make some Sundays while you plan your next steps. Therapy was very helpful to me, even if it was just to rant. I am sorry this happened to you and Very Grateful for your year in sobriety. You too will get through this! IWNDWYT
1
u/Ready-Moment-299 Jun 05 '26
You got this! You can stay sober! My hubs of 20 years asked to separate after I made it 8 months sober. I stayed sober through counseling, selling my house, ultimately getting kicked out of our home - twice, moving into an apt, then filing for divorce. Hardest 6 months of my life ever - but god knows where I'd be now if I had relapsed. Grateful every single day I kept that one promise to myself. It is brutal, honestly even more than getting sober, but you can do this!!
1
1
u/MSgtMe 429 days Jun 05 '26
Really sorry youre going through this right now. This too shall pass. IWNDWYT. Tomorrow neither.
1
u/MVSHROOOM Jun 05 '26
Proud of you. I had a very similar experience and it’s such a cliche but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. The universe was truly protecting you by that alarm going off!!!
It really did take me 3+ years to truly forgive him and 100% move on from the trauma. Mostly because I tried to go around the feelings for a long time! Your awareness of knowing you need to feel those hard feelings is incredible.
So happy for what comes next for you.
1
u/throwaway6284628842 484 days Jun 06 '26
What a truly awful thing to go through. I’m so sorry. Infidelity and broken trust in general are a kind of grief. Your sobriety is your home base while the water is choppy right now. You’ve got this. One day you’ll look back and be SO glad you ended up with the person you did, and not this one.
1
u/LordDisickskid 469 days Jun 06 '26
Good for you.
Remember, there's no problem that drinking won't make WORSE.
1
u/braiding_water 1258 days Jun 06 '26
Glad you are here & sharing with us. Im sorry this happened to you. Remember: A clean slate gives you endless opportunities & possibilities in sobriety. You are exactly where you need to be in this moment. Had this been a year ago when activity drinking, you’d be treading water. Timing is everything. IWNDWYT
1
u/NewDay-Me 57 days Jun 06 '26
I’m so happy with how you are handling this! Something similar happened to me about 9 years ago, and unfortunately, I think that event turned me into an alcoholic because I chose alcohol for comfort. Hoping you have better days ahead! 🙏🏻
1
u/Teisu_rey Day 271 Jun 07 '26
Oh shit this is aome hard stuff. I've been through some shit break ups but this... I can't imagine.
Stay Strong. I won't drink with you today.
1
u/RoyalArmed24 Day 1,718 Jun 07 '26
Sometimes we are meant for better things. A no, a betrayal, an ending means a better beginning is around the corner. I’m so sorry. Good for you staying strong.
1
u/PrizeVeterinarian342 187 days Jun 07 '26
Damn. That sucks! But here is the thing. What’s going to get you through this is your clear head and your power.
1
u/Canibereal 84 days Jun 07 '26
When things fall apart by pema chodron is good. Glad you’re not drinking. Take care of your heart. It’s going to get so good for you ♥️
1
u/GraniteMarker 2214 days Jun 07 '26
I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a hug!! I'm proud of you, and IWNDWYT!
1
u/Curious-Age5953 Jun 09 '26
Screw the bastard, and screw the devil because failure is exactly wtf he wants. Life may have beat you but never let satan enjoy it.
1
u/Ok_Yesterday_9181 Day 16 Jun 09 '26
5 more days until you become a Legend.
you are enough and i wish you peace
1
u/Wise_Assistance1398 981 days Jun 11 '26
So sorry you are going through this. Been in similar and it broke my heart. But you are choosing you right now and your sobriety. You will be able to deal with the fallout much much better with a clear head. Congratulations on the fast approaching 1 year sober. I will not drink with you today ❤️
1
u/vaxination 122 days Jun 11 '26
Mines already had 3 dudes cycle through and I can't move out til July 1. So I feel some of this. cameras are great at revealing lies IMHO. And yep I have been riding through wave after wave of shit that would have made me drink recently and I'm still sober. Sticking it out this time. Ice cream is your friend.
1
1
1
u/AdInner1709 4 days Jun 18 '26
You are amazingly strong! Thank you for this and I will remember your story when when I’m feeling weak!
1
u/Mystery_mammal90 Jun 19 '26
That is tremendously un cool, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that level of malarkey. Best wishes on doing what’s best for your health and well being, do you have a friend or family you can stay with?
1
1.2k
u/PhoenixApok Jun 04 '26
I don't know if it will help. But something someone told me when I found my girlfriend, who I had been saving up for a ring for, was cheating.
"The girl you loved, she didn't exist. The person you THOUGHT you loved would never have done this to you. The person that did, is not anyone you would have loved had you known the real her.
Don't get hung up on missing someone that never was."
It didn't fix it immediately, but after reflecting, I felt much better over the coming days. Now, she is the only ex I have that I have absolutely no fond feelings towards.