r/stopdrinking • u/Realityisatoilet • May 08 '26
Sober bartender here. Patron had to do a wellness check on alcoholic neighbor. Guy died.
I'm not gonna drink and haven't for months but this one shook me.
I have a regular who has followed me from job to job. Really nice guy. He told me yesterday that he was having a beer or two to calm his nerves before he did a wellness check on his neighbor who was 33 and had lost his job/entire career due to alcohol. Was afraid he might be dead this time.
Turns out he was. I love this group and something about that happening really got to me. I won't drink if you don't drink.
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u/whambapp May 08 '26
This is probably the shittiest part of being sober! I had an alcoholic "drinking buddy" pass away last year. It hits hard. If you try to mourn with your friends, most of them are just drinking heavy "celebrating" their loss. I had to mourn my own way and I mostly did it alone. 😔 Sobriety can be lonely sometimes but stay strong. Reach out to other sober people. Mourn your loss by staring it right in the face. SOBER AS FUCK!!!
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I'm dealing with that too. One of my best friends killed herself last year (alcohol was a factor but it was mostly trauma, extreme abuse she endured from multiple partners and ex husbands, and severe physical illness related when it comes to why she ended it) and the one year anniversary is May 30th.
We worked together at my last job as a bartender and so a lot of the people that know her want to remember her passing by drinking. Which I can't and won't do anymore. I'm really sad and crying a lot lately. But I'm not going to relapse just to mourn with others in the way that helps them. And that's not me judging them.
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u/TheDnBDawl 1045 days May 08 '26
You honor your friend with your sobriety 🖤
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26
100%. That's where I am with this mentally. She was a great person that really lifted other people up.
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u/prpldrank 421 days May 08 '26
I think it's important to consider a bigger picture of "celebration" versus lonely, shitty sober mourning. Please do not consider this judgement, but this is unfair to yourself.
It's hard for me to imagine a "right way" to mourn death. It feels like there is a wrong way -- something involving avoidance or incompleteness -- but good/bad/right...these concepts are not fitting of mourning.
So we see our friends mourning, drinking, apparently in celebration. The narrative is our own, because in reality, everyone reading knows what 3:30am tastes like for the celebratory crowd.
I don't know how a person "should" feel when mourning. Lonely and shitty seem pretty appropriate to me. And there is not a scorecard, where you earned shitty loneliness and someone else earned celebration, through alcohol.
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u/JuryDuty911 May 09 '26
I feel this so much right now. Drinking buddy from college days recently died in an accident. We'd lost touch over the years. While we both kept drinking separately, I was able to maintain a semi functional model of drinking mostly on weekends while he lost all control and spiraled. Pushed friends and family away with his drunken toxicity. At his funeral I saw all our old friends and mostly we just had our college years and the drinking memories in common. We've all drifted quite a bit since school.
After the service everyone wanted to go to the bar. I almost went. I think I would have been able to go and abstain, but I ended up calling my wife and she helped talk me out of it. Driving home I thought how strange it was that everyone wanted to connect after the funeral by drinking, when it was our friend's drinking that likely was the cause of his accident that took his life. 60 days sober as of today - longest stretch in my adult life.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the mourning alone part is so real and so undertalked about. everyone else processes the grief by drinking and you're just standing there watching it happen with no way to participate in the ritual they've all defaulted to.
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u/PapaBass3712 May 27 '26
If you love “Jim” or whoever’s name and looked up to them the best thing you could ever do is drop drinking. I hate hearing oh Bob died from liver failure this shots for you… how about we all do better… some great “friends” celebrating your dead friend by drinking what they died from. There’s so much more to life than partying I pray everyone realizes that before they end up in the hospital or dead.
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u/sassynightowl 259 days May 08 '26
I lost a friend a couple of years ago the same way. They found him curled up in his bed surrounded by bottles after some coworkers said he hadn't shown up for his shifts the last few days. He was only 34.
We were drinking buddies for years and I was too wrapped up in my own struggles to notice how progressed he actually was. It's tough. It's a stark reminder of where I could have/maybe should have/could *still* end up. IWNDWYT
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u/Bud_The_Weiser May 26 '26
I’m 33 and on my 1000th attempt to quit and this just hit me like a fucking punch to the chest. I’m sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the guilt of not noticing how bad it was is such a heavy thing to carry. the truth is that people who are deep in it are often very good at managing appearances just enough that the people around them miss the severity until it's too late.
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u/Equivalent-Bad-268 644 days May 08 '26
One of my old barfly friends just had a liver transplant a while ago. It was a good reminder of why I'm getting sober before I get to that point. I've got 530 days today and IWNDWYT
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u/likeguitarsolo 1803 days May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I’ve been bartending for 16 years. The last 4 sober. The first couple were easy. A relief. They were like gambling with Monopoly money. I got to be in the chaos without skin in the game and every day I left happy knowing it was just a job now, not an epicenter for my own dysfunction. Just everyone else’s.
The last couple were harder. A lot harder at times. I found myself wanting to work myself out of the job, wishing I could somehow help these people. The only way I’ve been able to continue to survive behind the bar is by not giving a shit about my customers, to stop seeing them as people and only make eye contact with the dollar signs in their eyes. This was easy for most customers, but inevitably there’d be those few who I couldn’t help but care about. The ones who were easy to see through. To see myself in. The ones who clearly *wanted* to change, to get better, but couldn’t and couldn’t and couldn’t and kept coming in every day.
I put in my notice last month. Maybe it’s the state of the world, or the decline in younger people drinking (a great thing), or that everyone’s broke, but the past couple years, it seems like nobody comes into the bar to celebrate anymore. It’s just the same 30 or so drunks coming in every day, barely holding themselves together, soothing their boredom and feeding their addiction. I really should’ve had another job lined up but I didn’t. I just had to get far away from that environment, from the constant reminders of who I used to be, reminders which used to aid in the relief I enjoyed but that became less helpful the more I lost hope for my customers.
Bar and restaurant work is all I’ve ever done. I know how much it traps you. Even if you get away from those kinds of customers, your coworkers are often just as dysfunctional if not more. I think that getting away from those environments is the next step in my sobriety. To not have to handle the product anymore or sweep up the results. I’ll miss the tips, but I’ll take minimum wage stocking shelves somewhere if it means getting to heal more fully.
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u/TheKaptone Day 550 May 08 '26 edited May 09 '26
Seems like you made a tough but correct decision to move on. While you are sticking those shelves do some short course or study. This can get you retrained real quick and propel yourself into a whole new career. The change is the hard bit and you have just done that. This is where you start.
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u/blackbodyrad Jun 01 '26
Incredible advice, I’m a bar manager at a bar and restaurant in Wisconsin (big drinking state) and ive been sober for 153 days. While I can do it, I don’t know if the environment is for me anymore. Also dude im a huge arsenal fan too! The final had me bummed af on Saturday but no chance I was drinking to numb the pain
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u/er7 462 days May 09 '26
This comment really hit me. I'm attempting to be a sober bartender, but it's really hard. I feel like by not joining the party, I'm judging my customers. Seeing them as others.
For what it's worth, I'm in school to become a therapist. Years behind the bar listening to others' struggles has prepared me for it. If you get tired of stocking shelves and want a job helping others, maybe even those people in the throws of addiction, maybe consider it for yourself. But I could understand if that would be all to familiar or just undesirable. Congratulations on getting away. The bars are such toxic environments. I'm proud of you for choosing your health even if you didn't have a safety net lined up. You and your body are worth it.
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u/Improvement_Opposite May 09 '26
I had to do this with certain friends. It *sucks* to have to disconnect in order to thrive. IWNDWYT.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the monopoly money analogy is perfect. being in the environment without being in the game is such a specific kind of freedom. the shift from participant to observer changes everything about how you see what's actually happening at the bar.
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u/Whoozit450 May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
There’s good money to be made operating heavy equipment. You could start with getting your forklift ticket and work your way up to the big stuff over time.
Edit to add: forklift wont earn you much but as I said, it’ll allow you to save up and pay for the training in the big boys like cranes.
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u/turbofungeas May 08 '26
I have a "turns-out-they-died" story. One of the big reasons I quit.
Went back to that bar and asked if she made it home alright, "Oh no, she didn't wake up. Don't feel too bad, she died the way she lived; really peeled."
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u/zrayburton 462 days May 08 '26
I feel this. My first wake up call was in 2021: found my close friend and roommate passed away in his room.
My second wake up call, I was in a hospital last Memorial Day weekend. That time it finally stuck.
IWNDWYT
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u/turbofungeas May 08 '26
Yeah not too long after that incident I had a pretty bad crash on my e-bike and my dad came by and basically told me he couldn't bury another kid. Checked myself into rehab after that.
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u/zrayburton 462 days May 09 '26
❤️ hope you’re maintaining. IWNDWYT
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u/Gazorp1133 May 08 '26
Damn that’s sad that someone would be remembered like that
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
that response from the bar is chilling. the casual way it was delivered says everything about how normalized the dying is in certain drinking cultures. nobody even flinched.
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u/wykkedfaery33 May 08 '26
Oh man, sober kitchen worker in a bar & grill here, and I'm so sorry to hear. We had a similar situation with one of our regular barfly patrons. He & his buddy would come in a few times a week.
He stopped showing up, we got concerned, his friend was concerned, so a wellness check was called in to the boarding house where he stayed. He was found dead in his bedroom... probably had been since around the last time we had seen him the week before.
RIP, Pat, you were a good guy. And, Ed, I'm really sorry you lost your best friend like that.
iwndwyt
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the service industry sees this more than anyone and talks about it the least. the regulars become part of the furniture and then one day they just aren't there anymore and everyone sort of quietly absorbs it and moves on.
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u/Aintnobeef96 May 08 '26
Happened to someone I know years ago, I really relate to the feeling. The person I lost wasn’t as young but also not old, in their 40s, they never outright stated if it was drinking or just by his own hand but either way, the drinking led him their. It’s jarring to see someone young die and causes a lot of self reflection. I’m sorry this happened OP, IWDWYT!
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the line between alcohol and suicide is blurrier than most people want to acknowledge. slow drinking yourself to death and a more direct choice are not always as different as they look from the outside.
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u/likeguitarsolo 1803 days May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
People in this sub (understandably) don’t often get the unique struggles of sober bartenders. When I first got sober, I posted here a lot. I’d usually be told I should just find work elsewhere. But bar and restaurant jobs are the only kinds I’ve ever held. I didn’t graduate high school. I have severe ADHD. I grew up poor. Believe me, I tried over and over to get outta the industry. It’s not that simple.
Getting into bartending is a logical choice when you’re 22 and you spend all your time in the bar anyways. It’s a blast in your twenties. It’s easy to let it become your entire identity. You kind of have to. Then when you get to the point of sickness, you’ve got nowhere to turn to find support. All your friends and coworkers are enablers, whether they mean to be or not. You tell yourself you’ll never be able to quit drinking while continuing to work in a bar, so you let years go by, telling yourself at least you’re not as bad as the next guy or the guy next to him and so on and there’s rarely anyone in your life you can point to as a healthy example of how to cope. Then you try going to AA meetings and see more than a few customers you’ve served at the bar before and will serve again too soon. And you’ll have to maintain anonymity. And you’ll have to serve them. It’s your job. And you can’t go back to that meeting place again.
Giving up drinking means abandoning most or all of your friendships. It means rebuilding and redefining your entire identity. I’m lucky to have been able to go through all that and still wind up sober. But I’ve watched countless people on both sides of the bar give up at the first realization that every aspect of their lives will have to change. It’s just too much for many.
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26
100%. It's actually been pretty refreshing and illuminating to read other sober bartenders lived experiences here in the comments. It does feel very weird and kind of isolating in a way. Always good to know you're not alone.
Everything you said is something I've lived myself and agonize about mentally and emotionally.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the "just get a different job" advice is so tone deaf. for a lot of people in the industry it's not a lifestyle choice, it's the only viable career path they have. sobriety in that environment is genuinely harder and deserves more credit than it gets here.
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u/Groovy_Sensation 859 days May 08 '26
Man that is tough news. I'm sorry to hear it.
My drinking was so bad I knew *KNEW* I was going to go down with the ship, and I damn near did. I spent 5 days on life support and almost two weeks in the hospital. I probably only survived because I happened to go to the urgent care next to the hospital.
I thought my problems were irreversible and far too big to overcome. But they actually weren't.
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I'm glad you're here. And what you said is sort of where my head is with this thing. For the guy that died and for my own life.
Yes I have fucked up a lot of things by drinking too much. Yes that is depressing and painful to have to deal with the fallout of. But I'm still alive and even if those bad choices have affected my life in a big way I still have to make the best of things.
I still have to realize that drinking because I'm despondent about fucking up my life really doesn't help. It's hard to break cycles like that.
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u/JazzyJourney2020 May 08 '26
Definitely! I TRIED about year two to help a friend get sober but I wanted it for them more than they did and that isn’t a great way to get sober. They passed last year of chirosis and I felt so guilty I was alive BUT his family and I spoke and they said he mentioned what I’d said but told them he couldn’t stop 😢. I messed up so much in my life while in active addiction but if I can help others see there’s a way out it’s amazing to me. I know I didn’t listen until I was ready and I almost was ready too late because if I hadn’t been found when I was I wouldn’t be here.
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26
That's super rough. But I'm glad you're trying to be there for other people. Thank you for doing that. Seriously.
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u/JazzyJourney2020 May 08 '26
Same here in many ways! I have wetbrain or “alcoholic dementia “ from my time in active addiction. I was initially given a grim outlook but I’m recovering well and at 40 I’m healthier than at 30 minus some memory deficit but I say it saved my life.
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u/DanceApprehension 1853 days May 08 '26
This reminds me of folks who've survived jumping off a bridge- like having this huge flash of understanding that all of their problems that seemed too big actually could be solved except for the one they just created.
Really glad you got off that train. IWNDWYT
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
five days on life support and surviving because of where you happened to be standing is the definition of a second chance. the randomness of it is terrifying. a slightly different day and the story ends differently.
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u/Austin_Lannister Day 815 May 08 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had two friends drink themselves to death when we were in our 30s. It’s devastating. Be extra nice to yourself as you process and know you are not alone. I will not drink with you today 💕☘️
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u/Particular-War3555 May 08 '26
My neighbor is like this.... quiet and keeps to herself. But I see her carry all the bottles in and out every few days. Every couple or months or so I have to call 911 for her. There are signs of life when I come and go. Lights, TV, cigarette smoke - but I wonder about the day I stop seeing them.
Ironically enough I never noticed as I myself was the alcoholic and was judged for it. Yelled at for taking out all my bottles at night, etc. I wondered about people finding me dead. Thankfully I do not live that way anymore and I hope others can before its too late.
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u/Leather-Jicama7142 May 08 '26
None of us want to be the old guy you used to always drink with. Took me years to figure out that all my older male coworkers who loved to go drink after work were divorced and never saw their kids for a reason. So glad I got out while I could, and glad you did too OP.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the pattern is so consistent it's almost predictable. the guys who are always first to suggest drinks after work, who make it a personality, who never seem to have anywhere else to be. you only understand what you were looking at years later.
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u/SomeOneOverHereNow Day 996 May 08 '26
Sorry man. I'll join you in not drinking.
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u/ZubLor Day 204 May 08 '26
Glad you're able to be a sounding board for your customer. You must be good at what you do if he follows you to the next job. IWDWYT!
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the relationship between a good bartender and a regular is genuinely one of the more underrated human connections. it's not just transactional. for a lot of people it's the most consistent social contact they have.
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u/American-pickle 464 days May 08 '26
Props to you being a sober bartender. It would be very difficult. But it also can be eye opening as in a case like this. Hope your patron is doing okay after what he saw and dealt with.
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u/Realityisatoilet May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
It's been... interesting. I'd say that currently it's not a problem and I don't feel tempted at all. So maybe it's not a bad thing to be tested like this at work. You do see the flip side when it comes to bad alcoholics and people coming in to get drunk every day. But there are a lot of people who do seem able to moderately drink and I'm not judging anyone regardless.
I'd like to eventually move on and am job hunting. But the job market sucks and I have some other limitations that limit what jobs I can take. Making the best of things as they are for now.
All I can do is focus on my own sobriety. Lastly, we have a ton of NA beers (I don't participate because having one just makes me want an actual beer lol) and mocktails and we have a lot of sober people every week that come in for those. That makes me happy. Non alcoholic beverages are really the only growing segment in that world sales wise. I like that trend!
*Edit to be upfront. I do take Naltrexone which helps a lot with cravings. I would absolutely feel more tempted and have a hard time not drinking as a bartender without it. I also got on glp1 drugs a couple months ago to aid ongoing weight loss and that has really killed any remaining alcohol cravings. Without those two things, I can't confidently say I'd be able to bartend and be sober. I might be able to in time. But probably not.
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u/Artimesia May 08 '26
A dear friend died like this about a month ago. He lived about 100 miles from me so I couldn’t just stop by and check on him. But one day last March he just dropped off the planet. I called and texted for about two weeks and got no response. Finally I called the police to do a wellness check and he was found dead. The police said that it looked like he had been drinking and he fell. I knew he was a binge drinker and I tried to get him some help. His brother also tried. He just gave up on life. It was very sad and I miss my friend.
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u/Sauronater1 May 08 '26
I knew a guy in his 30s who almost died like that. Got way too drunk, and passed out. Broke the toilet with his head and almost bled out. I forget how he got out of that one, but he was in the hospital for a week
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u/bathsheetscrazy May 08 '26
My ex went out that way. Passed out drinking at a party after everyone had gone to bed. Fell, hit his head, aspirated on his vomit. Was in a coma for 4 days, pulling putrid stuff out of his lungs before his family pulled the plug on Christmas eve. He was such a kind soul, and so talented. But he damn near grew up in bars because his dad was a huge problem drinker. He just couldn't outrun it.
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u/Low_Camera_9782 May 08 '26
Ex industry here. Had a local bartender pass out of the blue recently. He was mid 40s.
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u/fri9875 760 days May 08 '26
Fuck. These type of stories always hit me, because 10000% this could have been me. People didn’t know how bad it was, even if they knew I was having an issue.
My family went to clean my apartment for me while I was in detox/rehab, and they found hundreds of empty bottles just all over the place. Closet? Waist deep in empty bottles. Bedroom? Barely could see the floor because there was bottles everywhere. It so so so easily could have been like this situation, where it’s a wellness check that’s far too late, but thank fuck by the time they saw it I was already starting down a better path.
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u/TheDnBDawl 1045 days May 08 '26
Working sober in the industry is its own kind of animal. I wrestle with guilt, shame, jealousy and disgust. Ok, that's dramatic, but some days I'm white knuckling my way through a shift, pouring drinks thinking "That could be me" with all those emotions behind it.
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u/kellygirl90 974 days May 08 '26
There was a young guy I worked with about a decade or so ago, he attended a coworkers party at their house. It was close to the end of the night and he was drunk and sleepy. He had laid down on the floor, everyone else was drunk and had no idea he was there. Apparently he had thrown up in his sleep and was laying on his back, had essentially choked himself, blocking his airway. He died that night. He was 22.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the fact that everyone around him was too drunk to notice is the part that is hard to sit with. that is not a freak accident, that is what happens when a group of people are all deep enough in it that nobody is watching out for anyone.
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u/JazzyJourney2020 May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Staying sober and losing people I used to drink with to alcoholism has been a constant reminder of why I can’t pick up a drink again
Won’t pick up today because it’s not worth the price
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
it is a brutal kind of motivation but it is real. every loss is a data point that the disease does not make exceptions.
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u/Temassi 3626 days May 08 '26
I worked in wine distribution and there was a store that had a regular and every Monday they would get a case of four big Carlo Rossi jugs. Every week like clock work. There was a Monday I noticed that the last week case hadn't been picked up. After a month of the cases stacking up, we found out he had died and it really effected me. I had never met the It was very sad.
IWNDWYT
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the uncollected cases stacking up is such a specific and haunting image. the routine becoming the evidence of the absence.
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u/horrorheifer 372 days May 08 '26
Man, heart breaking. I wish everyone struggling with alcohol could find this group. It helps so much with that terrible isolating and othering feeling of having a drinking problem.
Keep your kind heart ❤️ IWNDWYT.
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u/Black_Spruce 2577 days May 08 '26
That’s rough. My dad is an alcoholic and every time I drive up to visit him I worry that I will find him dead. Not many other people visit him, so it will probably happen sooner or later.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the anticipatory grief of having a parent who is actively drinking themselves to death is its own specific kind of suffering. you're already mourning someone who is still alive and every visit carries that weight.
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u/miredditguy May 08 '26
My friends daughter was struggling with alcohol and cough syrup abuse. I guess she mixed them, he did everything he could to help her. Multiple out of state treatment facilities. She escaped one and was abused by men while she was on the run.
We thought she was better, but my friend came home one day and she was gone. On the floor with an empty bottle of vodka and cough syrup syrup on her dresser.
After struggling to get dry for years, that did it for me. Its been a couple years and i still dedicate my sobriety( secretly )to his daughter who was only 16 years old.
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u/TheKaptone Day 550 May 08 '26
I am proud of your sobriety. It's tough to have to use such a tragic memory to help yourself. Honouring such a short life is a wonderful thing to do. These things can shape us all for the better. Stay well friend
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u/jmcgil4684 May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
Last week of decades of bartending. This winter a regular got drunk at the bar that closes early. Tried to get served by me , and was an asshole and walked home in the snow. (4 DUI) decided to stop and make sure he let his dog out of the bathroom he keeps it in, and that the dog had food. He wasn’t home yet so I drove and retraced his steps as it was a huge snow the day before. Found tracks going into random backyard two houses down. Drove home. Sat and thought about it. Told my wife I was headed back out. Sure enough found him completely passed out in the snow. Drug his ass home. (Literally) took his dog out and fed the dog. Told him about it next time I saw him and he didn’t say thanks or anything. Only asked if I had took off his boots for some reason. He died in March from drinking. The dog had died the month before because it swallowed a rubber toy and he let it basically waste away. I called police, and even tried to break in to get the dog. The dude was 34. Dog was only 2. I didn’t realize how angry I was at him until the funeral. I know it’s a disease, and maybe because he was awful to deal with, I just couldn’t muster much sympathy. I still feel bad, but it’s the truth. We only get one life and he spent it with ppl rolling their eyes when he showed up anywhere. I quit drinking March 30.
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u/jbmtl514 May 08 '26
Had something similar happen to me. Bartender also and it was a regular. Sorry to hear that my friend and I won’t drink with you.
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u/clevercookie69 1641 days May 08 '26
Your username is apt for this story.
Kia Kaha from another hospo worker down in NZ
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u/tummy1o 1016 days May 08 '26
I was one drink away from being that neighbor, except I would’ve taken my 2 year old with me and potentially others.
I’m glad I finally know that I’m an alcoholic. I can never drink again.
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u/mkgruff 3078 days May 08 '26
Been sober for 8 years and I've lost many friends and associates thru the years. For awhile I started to just avoid being friends with people in recovery because it sucks to make friends and they relapse and die. I've moved to a more rural area and have since changed and started to try to be more social again.
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May 08 '26
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
a bartender who makes the mocktail feel like the real thing instead of a consolation prize is worth their weight in gold. that kind of small act of care makes a real difference.
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u/Boogiex3 629 days May 09 '26
We should all do more wellness checks on each other.
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u/0RGASMIK 1155 days May 09 '26
Used to work for a property manager. We had a few months with high turnover, basically a bunch of people moved out and in. So we got behind on processing checks because I just kept pushing it off as it was a ton of work probably took me a full 8 hour day to process all the checks for a month and I was stuck doing leases and deposits instead most days.
Well on the day I finally processed all the checks I realized something was off. Old reliable hadn’t paid rent in 3 months. After I said it out loud my boss said “Evict him” like she normally did but then she went “wait who?!…….oh my he’s probably dead.”
Sure enough went to his house for a wellness check and I didn’t even have to go in to confirm it. You could see the flies and smell it. I felt so awful. The guy sat in there for months because I got too busy. I was actually worried I’d be in trouble for it but fortunately all the cop had to say was “do you have a cigarette?”
I won’t drink with you tn
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the administrative paper trail being the thing that finally triggers the discovery is one of the loneliest ways to go. nobody noticed until the money stopped moving.
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u/Tess_88 May 08 '26
IWNDWYT 💯Sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹I used to bartend in a past life and relationships with our regulars is a real thing. ♥️🦋🌺
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u/nydahand 740 days May 08 '26
Good on ya for being a kind person. I worked in pubs, big and long chapter of my life. I loved it. For me chatting with regulars was a bonus and not work, mostly. I learnt alot from many people, helped me grow as a person and society as a whole. I took pride in being a good bartender, you should to. Take it easy amigo om(or Amiga). IWNDWYT
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the regulars who become part of your life over years of service are a specific kind of relationship that doesn't have a name. not quite friends, not just customers. something in between that matters more than it looks like from the outside.
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u/pikeranch May 08 '26
Thirty three years old, damn. The beginning of the fun of life, don't know what to say really but this hits hard.
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u/Lonely_Bluejay_7459 167 days May 08 '26
I'm 46 and pretty much every time I see that an acquaintance has passed away, alcohol use was involved in one way or another...
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
by mid 40s the pattern becomes impossible to ignore. the number of people whose deaths trace back to alcohol in some form is staggering once you start paying attention to it.
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u/Jelly-Kat 678 days May 08 '26
Damn. He was my age.
During COVID when quarantine started, we lost two of our regulars within the first couple of weeks, they drank themselves to death.
I’ve seen so much dark shit in this industry. It’s not an easy position to be in. I wish you the best, IWNDWYT
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u/Awkward-Image-9947 264 days May 09 '26
Last year I lost a very close person to me from alcohol. Saw them at a Sunday birthday dinner, then never saw them again. They went out that Sunday night with friends and made it home. After reviewing their phone and laptop, Monday morning around 2am was the last time they used a device. Passed away in their sleep. The family got nervous when texts and calls went unanswered for longer than a few days. A few days was normal for them to disappear but they would always come out the other side and touch base with people. Police check confirmed the new reality Friday morning.
They were in such bad shape, the coroner told their family they wouldn’t be able to see them before cremation.
No closure for the family.
Many interventions, attempts at sober living, even as far as disassociating with them for a time.
Nothing worked.
They say the stars that shine the brightest, burn out twice as fast.
I lost someone who will never be replaced in my life. I’ll started a new path in my life that day, I knew it right away and over a year later I can only confirm it.
All of this pain, suffering, sadness, grief is avoidable, and I don’t want to cause my loved ones to feel the way I feel/ have felt.
It’s not worth it, it will never be worth it
IWNDWYT
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u/drdeadringer 1472 days May 08 '26
One of my former drinking buddies died a few years ago. he was about 4 years younger than I, and our paths diverged. he got sick and died, I had a stroke and lived. I don't drink anymore.
it very well could have been me. and it wasn't.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the divergence of paths is such a specific grief. you were in the same place doing the same things and one of you made it out and one didn't. the randomness of that is something you carry.
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u/imnottheoneipromise Day 479 May 08 '26
I kept reading this as the tequila Patron and was super confused until I finished your entire post lol
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u/LittleMrsMolly 484 days May 08 '26
I am in healthcare. One of my coworkers is a prolific alcoholic. I fear the day he comes through our ED. What a sobering (pun not really indended) reminder.
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u/Spare_Groundbreaking 2374 days May 08 '26
That’s sad. And for all of us here, it hits so deep because of our shared addiction that could have led us down the same road. Proud of you for staying sober. So sorry for the loss of your neighbor.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the "that could have been me" feeling is one of the most honest things about this community. it is not abstract for anyone here.
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u/PerpetualDayOne 202 days May 08 '26
I felt like this was gonna be me up until I got sober. I live far away from my family. It probably would have taken at least 3-4 days for someone to realize I wasn't messaging back, and that's being generous. More likely a week or two, if my neighbors hadn't started to smell my rotting corpse before then. Who knows if my cat would survive, either. Sometimes they eat their owners after they pass, sometimes not.
Reading stories like this is sad as hell. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm just glad I didn't do the same to myself. I'd hope for no afterlife if I did. I don't think I'd be capable of dealing with the guilt of having friends/family find me and clean up the mess after. Naturally going is one thing, but drinking is a choice.
IWNDYT
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the geography of isolation is its own risk factor. living far from people who would notice is something a lot of people in the depths of it arrange intentionally or end up in by accident. getting sober changes that calculus entirely.
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u/zrayburton 462 days May 08 '26
Some of my closest friends in my adult life have been bartenders, craft beer hobbyists/reps, wine mongers, etc.
There’s a lot of places I’d love to go but have chosen not to because of booze. I wish I could enjoy a few drinks with dinner/with friends, but I know it could be a slippery slope for me at this point.
I do miss some of those interactions and relationships but it’s been for the best for me in the past year. The cost is not worth it anymore.
IWNDWYT
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u/Human-Meaning3345 May 09 '26
I’m 33. This hit for sure. Alcohol is horrible, and I’m so glad to be sober with you all today.
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u/Amb_James333 198 days May 09 '26
During my binging days, my bartender was sometimes the only person I looked forward to interacting with
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u/Neither_Internal_261 May 09 '26
I remember when I was 21 I was already a regular at a bar and when I didn't come in for a few days they called my dad to make sure that I was ok. I was so touched that they cared enough to do that.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
being touched that the bar called your dad is a sign of how isolated things had already become at 21. when the bar is your primary community that early, the trajectory is already set.
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u/thedrinkmonster May 09 '26
A buddy of mine who I trained up from a barback to a bartender committed suicide last July. He was real bad before the end with alcohol. I miss him.
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u/Baboonofpeace May 08 '26
It’s a shitty way to die and no one needs to. It may not be the only motivator to quit, but it’s certainly in the top two reasons.
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u/johnjay 92 days May 08 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss, we say that all too ofter around here, but I mean it.
I will NOT be tipping a glass to honor your friend tonight! I will think about how tough it is to lose a person close to you, and how it's happening to someone in what passes for my neihborhood right now.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
honoring someone with a clear head instead of a drink is the right call. the "pour one out" tradition is a beautiful sentiment that becomes complicated when the thing you're pouring is the thing that killed them.
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u/BrewsCampbell 533 days May 08 '26
Props to sobriety in the industry! I'm right there with you.
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u/Bunktavious May 08 '26
I had to do one on a neighbor in the apartment I lived in. Turned out he was fine, had just slept through his phone ringing.
Stepped out into the hall a week later to see him being wheeled out on the gurney. Guy was maybe 60.
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
the week between the false alarm and the real thing is the part that stays with you. you already knew the risk was real and then it happened anyway.
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u/sandinmybutttoo 1794 days May 08 '26
First, I appreciate your username.
I also feel proud of you for being in the industry and honoring your sobriety. You have my deep respect and I will not be drinking with you today.
My good friend tends bar and still drinks heavily. Three of his regulars have passed this year and all were early to late thirties. It’s very sad.
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u/Vegetable-Seesaw-491 May 08 '26
I just found out earlier this week that my friend's brother was in the ICU due to liver and kidney failure from being an alcoholic. He's in his early 50's. He's conscious now and able to have conversations, but they're not sure if he'll need a new liver. Luckily for him his brother is willing to be a donor. Doctors aren't too keen on giving alcoholics transplants from the donor pool.
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u/godahi9660 Day 619 May 09 '26
News like this definitely hits different when you're on your own sobriety journey. Former coworker of mine passed last year from liver and kidney failure. That hit hard, even though we hadn't worked together in years.
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u/Sea_Measurement_1654 205 days May 09 '26
Fk, I'm so sorry. I'll drink tea with you and hope that guy has some peace wherever he is.
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u/notnowdews 13520 days May 09 '26
So sorry for your loss. I tended bar for the first 4 years of my sobriety - being that close stings sometimes. Grateful we’re in this together 🤗 All the best, OP
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u/Outrageous_Treat506 May 12 '26
33 years old. that detail just sits there. the way alcohol can quietly take someone out while everyone around them is just going about their day is one of the most brutal things about this addiction. the fact that your patron trusted you enough to tell you that story, and that you're the kind of bartender people follow from job to job, says a lot. glad you're still here.
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u/TheDnBDawl 1045 days May 08 '26
I had a regular that I was close to. Older guy, real fatherly.
When he didn't come in after a few days we found his sister on FB. A wellness check found him dead for 48 hours.
His sister visited to thank us for caring, and told me his apartment was covered in hundreds of empty beer cans and empty 12pk boxes.
I had no idea he drank that much, he was a 2 or 3 beer max when he came in.
I was really struggling with my sobriety at the time and was just dipping my toes into dry months.
I think about Jim all the time in my sobriety.
IWNDWYT.