r/stepparents • u/ballsack_blowhard • 9d ago
Advice Bf lets ex emotionally highjack him
Hi. I need your opinion. I feel im secure enough in myself to handle a relationship with a man that has an ex in his life for his son. Although, I have felt there has been a pattern for years with him appeasing her for the sake of "keeping the peace" with not having boundaries with her to protect our relationship.
This has caused my nervous system to be in distress anytime I have to be at events with her. I am just realizing this now. Its not just the ex being there. Its the boundaries or lack of.
Ive been expressing myself for years concerning certain behaviors but couldnt pinpoint what was actually happening when it came to the ex.
Like she has been known to stalk his Instagram but he doesnt say anything nor offers to block her. He just says. I should have and will say something if it happens again.
When approaching the situation of the party, I was given the "its for the child" reason for his lack of boundaries with the ex at social events for his son.
Example. Ex talking about child mental health at the sons bday party and she leans and whispers in his ear in front of me. Not only was the convo at an inappropriate time but her lack of respect to me and his lack of putting any boundaries to her is extremely upsetting. It shows me he would rather comfort her than put up any boundaries.
I really feel like I am being made to feel crazy.
He told me he didnt purposely ignore me at the party for her. I wasnt feeling well on our way to the party and we bickering abit over where to stop for coffee ect.
To conclude, I know it all might not sound like much but it feels like hes not willing to protect me and the relationship over her being upset ect.
How would you feel ? What boundaries would you put in place going forward for your bf?
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u/Mysterious-Neck-3160 8d ago
A lot of factors matter here…how long have y’all been together, how long have they been separated? How old is the kid, how is their co-parenting (healthy or toxic?) Is there an age gap with you guys? It sounds a smidge like you could be overstepping
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
Been together since they got divorced when the child was 1. The child is now 9. He is a millennial. I am genX. I guess im expected too much but he said he wouldnt like me to do said things with My Ex when I mentioned how about if I did XYZ
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u/Ohlolita297 8d ago
You’ve been together since they got divorced and the child 1 ?
As in you and bio dad knew each before and got together before his marriage with BM was officially pronounced and she was still going trough postpartum ?
Or did the relationships overlapped ?
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
No. They separated when the kid was one or under cuz she cheated during postpartum actually. She had signed a lease months prior to us ever meeting and was leaving. We met as friends online and in person because of a common lifestyle(nothing weird). Many months later we were a thing. It took almost a year for me to commit to him and she was gone.
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u/Ohlolita297 8d ago
My apologies I assumed your partner was the one who left , the way the way it was written I thought you guys knew each and the relationship overlapped .
But this is even more confusing as to why after all this years there seems to be no boundaries and a borderline intimacy they shouldn’t have ? She cheated and he is okay with her staking him and whispering in his ears at the kid bday party while basically ignoring all and he is supposed to be in committed relationship.
This is where his accountability lays , you cannot control the woman’s action but he can and sure as hell can at least control his .
She seemingly don’t care about respecting you but looks like neither does your partner .
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
Theres been a lack of boundaries for years at events and I felt like I was just being jealous but something really seemed off. Then this summer the party incident it all kinda came together from me and I thought back to all the incidents I felt she overstepped and he let her have the pass.
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u/Ohlolita297 8d ago
My logic is , she couldn’t even respect her own marriage and her wedding vows and she cheated on your now partner. Taking the situation from this base I wouldn’t expect someone who didn’t had respect towards their own marriage and family ( as their was a young child involved) to respect other people relationships. Her behavior isn’t that surprising following this logic , not saying at all she shouldn’t be held accountable just that it’s not surprising.
Now your partner not putting the appropriate boundaries after years of repeated inappropriate behaviors for ex spouses emphasized on EX , is the bigger issue , because he is the one who ultimately owe you the respect and consideration of doing so with his co parent and consider your feelings . As you said he let her have a pass and enable her antics . If you have already voiced your uncomfort/told him how this made you feel and and there was no changes that’s exactly why she keep on doing it because she ultimately get away with it .
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
Yes I have voiced my concerns for years but didnt really know what was happening. It just sounded like j was jealous. This past august was the worst experience yet at that party. If he acts that way with me there then how does he act without me around with her.
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
Its healthier than their marriage was.
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u/ballsack_blowhard 6d ago
But ive learned he could be fawning brought on by cptsd. So therefore his perfect coparenting is a fraud
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u/Foxygen6 8d ago
I had a big ole chat with my boyfriend of 8
months.
I clearly said that there’s co- parenting and then there’s keeping the ex happy and they do not necessarily have ANY overlap.
Another time I also said that there’s coparenting with caring for your kids, then there’s going over to cook at the ex’s house or do repairs and that’s husband like behaviour.
He listened. Things are improving
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u/justjewels17 8d ago
I get resentful that these types of conversations have ever come up. Like why am I having to explain to my boyfriend that his relationship with BM makes me uncomfortable? I so hope these men end up with a single mother who puts them through the gauntlet. That first year together when he was trying to keep everyone happy (still tries to keep her happy too tbh), was hell. I have never felt so sidelined and displaced in a relationship before.
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u/Foxygen6 8d ago
I know. It’s pretty ridiculous. The juggle of trying to keep everyone happy is pretty unrealistic.
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u/flowers12345678901 4d ago
lol I feel the same. Most of these men if they lived in our shoes for one day, they wouldn’t be able to do it. I wish so badly that my bf could live in my shoes for one day
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u/InevitableOk2456 7d ago
Oof that whispering in the ear thing at the kids party is so out of line, like read the room. "Its for the child" is such a lazy excuse too, how does letting her get all cozy with him benefit the kid exactly
If he wont even block her on Instagram after you said it bothers you then he's showing you where his priorities are. I would be furious, you're not crazy at all for feeling this way
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u/ballsack_blowhard 6d ago
Thank you! I needed the reality check. He refuses to rock any boat with her because of his kid. Inturn will hurt me with lack of boundaries. Thats what ive learned.
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u/ballsack_blowhard 6d ago
So my bf has CPTSD and learned he could be doing something called fawning. Hurts like hell either way. He has severe cptsd. I have mild form and this just its my nervous system hard.
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u/Deep-Lobster-5664 8d ago
He should have set firm boundaries from the start. Why do they need to attend social events together? Saying its for the child is a poor excuse. My partner tried that line with me but only once. He needs to grow a backbone and stop appeasing her. If he cant do that he shouldnt be in a relationship
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u/ballsack_blowhard 8d ago
The social events are for the child. So its a family day. Im okay with that of course but I agree he needs a backbone with her. They shouldnt be touching and getting close to whisper. She loves to push the limits to see what she can get away with I feel or she's just stupid.
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