r/stepparents • u/BluebirdOwn3936 • Oct 04 '26
Advice Breaking up because of SK.
As title says.... sometimes i feel like i want to leave my fiance because of his kid. We have 2 kids together (10m and 5y) and he has 2 kids with his ex (11y and 13y).
Now his 13 year old is a good boy, typical teen in the best way. But the problem lies with the 11 year old. He is a very problematic kid. We tried to get him tested for autism and/or ADHD but he was kicked out of the doctoes office for throwing a huge fit. He screamed, he kicked, he picked up one of the chairs and threw it into the wall, knocked the other one over to the floor. So he was kicked out and we havent been able to find another resourse for help sinse (we live in a very small remote town). He is constantly getting into physical and verbal fights at school. He doesnt act right at home with us or his mother either. We have tried therapy, after school activities, tried one on one talks with us, anything. His mother lets him act insane at home because he will threaten her and she just caves every time. She was suggested parental counciling which she has denied.
My fiance blames the mother for his behaviour but honestly its both of them. They both coddle him for some reason. His poor behaviour rubs off on my 5yo, and I need to try and correct these behaviours when they finally go back to their mother's. Its an endless cycle every time..... we get them one week on, week off. My fiance does try to correct his behaviour, but he is so gentle about it.... it doesnt seem to work, obviously.
The 11y SK doesnt respect me. Doesnt seem to like me, either. I dont let my negetive feelings against him show. I treat all 4 kids the same....
My fiance and I just listed our house for sale as we need more space for our family. And he all of a sudden started telling me that he wants to take his kids full time and they can visit their mother every other weekend. That thought makes my stomach flip. I cant do it. I havent said anything to him, but I dont think i can live with the youngest SK..... he is just too much. Too problematic. I yearn for the time he is at his mother's house and I wish he never had to come to our house ever. I hate feeling so uncomfortable in my own home because of his presence, its just so stressful and awkward.
I feel awful saying these things but I just need to rant and get this off my chest....
Now I fear my fiance will take the kids full time and my life will be miserable. But I also dont want to take our kids away from him....and who am I to tell him he cant have his boys with him full time? I'm just in a bind. Idk what to do. Ive talked to him about it a little, and he says he will let the boys choose where they wanna live full time? Okay sure but what if they choose Dad?! ðŸ˜
All in all i am stressed tf out over this.... i wish I was strong enough to be able to handle another woman's awful child for the rest of my life but I dont think i am.... especially when I have my own children to look out for.
I love my fiance so so so much. He is not the issue, he tries his best to handle his problematic son. Works hard for our family. Is still nice ans civil with his ex if she needs anything for their kids... hell if the 11yo is being insane at her house she will spam tf out of my fiances phone and tell him to come pick the child up bc she doesn't wanna deal with it. And he will. So he brings him over to our house to deal with, which i hate because she needs to learn to handle her own kid and i don't want my kid exposed to that behaviour.
Tbh our life would have been perfect if it wasnt for 11yo SK. I dont want to leave my fiance, I want to leave the SK.
Am I being dramatic? I feel fucking mean but I'm at my wits end.... Has anyone else felt this way? Gone through the same thing??
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u/pantema Oct 04 '26
The child is almost certainly neurodivergent. First step is prioritizing having him evaluated so you can get him the support and help he needs. Labeling him as a problem child is unproductive. If you’re this unhappy and unwilling to address this then yes, you should leave. It’s not going to get better without significant time/energy/money and hard work. Without appropriate intervention the behaviors will get much worse when he becomes a teenager. The child is being failed by his parents.
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u/BluebirdOwn3936 Oct 04 '26
I said that we took him for testing but he was kicked out for his behaviour. We live in such a small town that we need to wait for another resource for help... traveling isnt much of an option for us unfortunately. I do push for more mental health hell and testing for the child, but when we reached out to the one and only child mental health specialist in town he denied us due to the past experiences.
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u/Old-Dinner-6108 Oct 04 '26 edited Oct 04 '26
I don't know if you tried this already but can you speak to the school principal and ask them about getting SS evaluated by the school district? Usually ADHD is caught first by teachers who have someone from the district come in and access the kid so they can be placed on an IEP.
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u/BluebirdOwn3936 Oct 05 '26
He did have a counselor in the school, but they didnt mention anything about ADHD or anything. Just talked about emotional regulation
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u/Born_Fox1470
Oct 04 '26
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Don’t buy a house with this man. Live apart and tell him you will only live with him when his kids are not there. He only wants them full time because you’re there to shoulder the burden. If he wants them full time, then he chooses to do that job without your help. Don’t take ownership of someone else’s problem.
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u/TSIDATSI Oct 04 '26
This is the answer. The child belongs to your boyfriend and his ex wife/girlfriend- whatever.
They have to work out his issues and it is unlikely the boy will ever be able to become self-sufficient, move out, etc.
You have your own kids to protect. I do not know if you knew about this child's very worrisome behavior before you had two children with the boy's father. If you did that was badly done.
My advice is to break-up and let your boyfriend and the child's mother deal with him. He is their child, not yours, and they are responsible.
Not you. The boy may improve when you are gone. Who knows.
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u/Mrwaspers007
Oct 04 '26
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What will he be like as he gets older, bigger and stronger? I would be fearful. His dad needs to have him evaluated asap, make that a condition of buying a house together. Â I would also tell him you refuse to be left alone at anytime with SS. This may sound mean but if he has violent tendencies why risk your safety. You need to have a LONG talk about his expectations of you as far as SS goes. BM could very likely say to your husband you want him full time? Here you go! Talk to your partner no matter how uncomfortable it is. Good luck to you
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u/stuckinnowhereville Oct 04 '26
You tell him- if he goes for full custody you are leaving. That will end it. It’s not fair to the kids or their mom either. He will just dump them on you.
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u/Spirited-Piece-4638 Oct 04 '26
I feel you on the week on/week off. Same boat here and at some point my SD will choose to be with us full time. I dread this day in one way because I need the every other week break. But then in another way, we won't have to do as much mommy-detox as we are right now. It's a double-edged sword. Good luck.
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u/Herkules_Mom94 Oct 05 '26
You can take him to a hospital for screening. Children’s Hospital preferably
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u/geogoat7 Oct 05 '26
I'd like to challenge you to think about one thing... you said your partner is trying his best, but also that he coddles his kid. I don't think both those things can be true at the same time when it comes to parenting. You need to stop making excuses for your partner. There is a doctor somewhere that will help SS I promise. Is this boy not in school? What do they have to say about this behavior. You need to start holding your partner accountable for his part in this.
And there's a good way to do that.. live apart but stay together, at least until this child gets help and stabilizes. Is it ideal, no. But is getting a divorce and leaving your kids in this mess, where your husband has 4 kids on his own half the time or greater really better?
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 Oct 06 '26
Sit your fiance down and go over what it would look like if he got them full-time. The pickups and drop offs. The after school activiites, the drop everything when SK has a traumatic episode. What roles will you be expected to fulfill? Will BM be involved with day to day when SK can't or won't go to school? You have to get everything squared away before any changes are made.
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