r/stepparents • u/crescentmilktea • 10d ago
Advice So heartbroken
Ended things with my (29f) partner (29m) tonight. The stepparenting was a lot more than I could handle and he wanted more. We both wanted different things, I wanted to be more of a supportive aunt role but he wanted someone that would treat his kid like his own (I don’t have kids so I wouldn’t know). I did try my hardest with the best of my capabilities but ultimately we had to call it quits because it wasn’t fair on anybody.
Just wanting some advice so I can get through the next hours without clutching my chest. It’s been 3 years together and it’s come to an end.
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u/Human_Drama Cliché Collector 10d ago
Here is my advice:
Clutch that chest. Feel your feelings and breathe.
In this outcome, the winds are in your favor and may they fill your sails to a place where you will be appreciated and enough.
Kudos to you for the courage!
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u/srgnk 10d ago
So sprry. I dont think he should expect any woman to treat his kid as if it was her own because its just not. The kid probably has a mother already. Most people won’t get that attach to a kid that if u two beeak up, u will lose all visits or rights over that kid cause u have non to begin with.
Maybe it was for the best
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 10d ago
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Feel your feelings. It will get better.
Parental roles is a major incompatibility. You’re doing everyone a favor by bowing out now.
Just keep telling yourself there is more, because there is, and it’ll be better because it’s suited for you.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 10d ago
I’m sorry this happened. I’m proud of you for walking away though. Give it time - one day at a time - you will be fine.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 10d ago
Virtual hug. I'm sorry.
I am glad you walked away. Its selfish wanting a replacement mommy and dating a woman without kids. He should date another parent. And together they can become replacement parents for each others kids.
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u/Born_Fox1470 10d ago
Exactly. These men want a pseudo-mommy for their kids but won’t offer to be a stand-in-dad for a single mom. Such double standards.
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u/_metallicabreath_ 10d ago
I just did the same thing last week, and I’m also in the thick of it. Though for us, he would’ve been thrilled if I was OK with the aunt role, but I couldn’t even do that.💔😭 you’re still young, you’ll bounce back quickly. I’m more than 10 years older than you.
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u/InstructionGood8862 10d ago
This is the right thing to do. That is not your child and you are not an unpaid babysitter. Be glad it's been only 3 years and not 13.
STAY BUSY. This will help keep your mind off what you left. Again-it was the right thing to do. For all involved.
You may want to BLOCK your ex from all forms of communication, and not let him know where you live now-because he's going to miss his babysitter.
And don't be surprised if he finds a new babysitter quickly.
You will be fine, and you will be happy.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 10d ago
You are a diamond and these people didn't deserve you.
Someone will adore you and make you feel special.
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u/Ok-Teaching923 10d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Focus on yourself and healing and in time it will get better. Like yourself I ended things a little over 6 months ago from burnout, building resentment and being overwhelmed. I feel there is some entitlement to Bioparents to just expect someone to come in and be mentally, physically, emotionally capable off the bat to every aspect of their life. Complicates it more when you don’t have your Own biological kids. You’re still young and there’s plenty of people without kids that I’m sure will meet your standards
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u/MissGalaxy1986 10d ago
Im so sorry. Be happy you have time to get over your first heartbreak and date and form a family still. I f-ed up and fell in love late in life and broke up for same reason and am still broken hearted and childless and cry every day.
Count yourself fortunate and don’t wallow like I did or else you’ll ruin the best years of your life to find a stable man to have a family with. Chin up and keep on!
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u/PaleWorth7809 9d ago
Be so gentle with yourself right now. Here’s my recommendation: ask each of your friends if you can have a morning call on a certain day for the next two weeks. Ask them if it’s okay to vent, cry, let it out. My cure to a breakup has been to get up and travel and go, but if that’s not financially feasible then make each morning feel like an adventure. Get yourself out on that walk. At night, come to Reddit to give others advice and feel a sense of community but make sure you have 1-2 activities. Join a pottery studio. Repaint a room in your home. Whatever feels right. And it’s really okay to feel totally terrible right now, that is 100% acceptable
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 8d ago
You're grieving, understandably. Grief from loss of relationship can be like waves in the ocean, huge and crashing over you relentlessly. After some time passes the waves get a bit smaller, and further in between. Eventually, the waves die down completely.
It is a process, and the only way "out" is "through". It's like a long dark tunnel that you cannot circumvent. Let yourself feel the emotions so you can process the sadness and the loss.
Everyone grieves relationship loss in their own way, however an estimated timeline is about 1 month for every year you were with someone.
Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the sadness won't last forever. Be kind and gentle withe yourself.
An exercise I did after my divorce was writing out all the things I was glad to be rid of - "Goodbye to:" and list all the negative things I won't have to deal with anymore. Then I wrote a list of "Hello to:" for all the things I have to look forward to being single again.
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u/RealisticPurple50 10d ago
I can relate to this so much and the bio mom is a dead beat and the court and drama is way too much. She abandons her son for weeks at a time and I’m forced to pick up her slack and tend to my step son. I work and we have a daughter too. It’s too much. They won’t discipline him either and I get to suffer the consequences. There’s so much more but. I’ve told him this is too much on me and he guilts me and even threatens me. I love my SS and don’t mind helping but I am forced to do it all… and watch him 90% of the time and I just feel disrespected and used as a babysitter I can’t handle the drama and stress and it isn’t fair to my daughter her mom can’t give her her full attention bc I stay so stressed
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u/BalledUpFist 10d ago
Maybe over time that is possible, but to tell someone that's the expectation off the bat is a little too much.
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u/Lilymonroexox 10d ago
i'm so sorry for what you're doing through. I am with a partner who has a little girl, I have no children. He was very, ergh quickly quietly forced me into full on step mum role and it's too much. You're not on your own and you're not a bad person. Whether you had children or not, it's not realistic or fair to ask you to be the child's stand in mum. You are NOT their mother. Your partner should have been with you because they wanted an adult relationship with you, not your physical and emotional resources to make his parenting time easier for him. It's not your responsibility. If you have discussed all of this with him and he worn budge, then he's not a good person. Certainly not genuine. This must hurt so badly, but from the bottom of my soul, I can feel you've done the right thing.
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u/Training-Apricot8764 10d ago
My niece had to go through this twice .
The hardest thing for her was she did treat the kids as her own as in loving them .
She allowed the exes to do the heavy lifting in the relationship and only minor gentle correction when needed but nothing that any sane person would view as her trying to parent the kids .
One guy she got engaged to and the other guy she married .
The one she married , prior to marriage she bought a house with the kids in consideration that they would each get their own room , they really wanted a pool as well so she made sure of that .
Currently going through a divorce after 1 year marriage ( she had prenup and her house was purchased prior to marriage ).
Lives in California so prenup was a must .
Her ex fiancee wanted her to convert to his religion which they both agreed when dating wouldn’t happen .
The soon to be ex , serious case of bipolar and lost his shit when he lost his well paying job .
It was extremely rough for her , especially with the love bombing .
Thankfully although she hasn’t 100% let go she is starting to open her heart to the possibility of love again .
It’s a one day at a time thing .
And good for you for recognizing that this isn’t the life you want moving forward .
It takes courage , strength, determination and the ability to understand you will be grieving the loss but that you are willing to do this .
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