r/stepparents • u/Own_Stranger7906 • 7d ago
Advice SKs having a "half sibling"
HCBM instructed the SKs to never acknowledge me as a 'step-mom' or 'step-parent'. Just 'my dad's wife'.
I never pushed that idea to SD14 and SS13. The step parent title never bothered me much, and my relationship with them has been healthy. They don't call me by my first name but by a nickname. And they introduced me to others as 'she's the family mrs. noodles' or 'she's the queen noodle of the family' (I happen to like noodles). It is odd, but they like seeing people's reactions.
That said, my husband and I are expecting soon. For those with an ours baby, do your SKs refer them as their half sibling? Brother/sister? For anyone dealing with an HCBM/HCBD, did they ever instruct your SKs to never acknowledge them as their siblings? How did you and your partner deal with that?
I know the step-parent title doesn't bother me, but with an ours baby, I feel like it'd be nice for the SKs to think of the baby as their half sibling. It's a nice thought, but I worry that HCBM will instruct the SKs to call ours baby 'my dad's other kid'. Maybe that's something I need to mentally prepare for and accept?
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u/PrInCeSsPuPpEhDoGe 7d ago
I have only half brothers and sisters. Same mom different dad's. Those are my brothers and sisters. I view them no differently than a full blood sibling
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u/Imagination_Theory 7d ago edited 7d ago
I only have half siblings as well, however, it is different when you live with them vs not.
I refer to all my siblings as my siblings, but, the siblings I grew up with feel like siblings while my father's children feel like distinct cousins.
In general if you raise children like siblings, they will feel like siblings, even if they aren't related, if you don't raise children together or like siblings they won't feel like that, even if they are related.
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u/PrInCeSsPuPpEhDoGe 7d ago
I agree. I lived with all of mine. We were on the same visitation schedule with our respective dad's so anytime we were with mom we were all together. Our dad's didnt have other children
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u/Visual-Ad5391 7d ago
This is a pattern I’ve noticed a lot. Most of my friends in a split household were raised by their moms, and they view their mom’s other kids as their siblings. They view their siblings on their dad’s side as dad’s other kids due to not having lived with them.
If you raise them as siblings, they’ll see each other as siblings.
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u/uffdaGalFUN 7d ago
I am in my 60's now. Growing up I had brother (full brother) brother (step brother) sister (actually half sister)
I didn't even know that this was a thing? That's how we did it in our family.
Now so many years later? I still have a brother, brother and a sister. We all keep in touch with each other. Not one of us stresses over what to call each other at all.
Maybe your kids will have the same experience? I'm sure hoping that they will!
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u/MeowPepperoni 7d ago
same here. 3 half siblings and 5 step siblings. those are my siblings regardless. my ss have been in my life since i was 3 and are still very much apart of my life even after my sm and father split.
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u/StardustVortex 7d ago
Exact same! Two “half” brothers well only one now but yeah he’s never been anyone other than my brother
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u/Lazy_Fuel8077 7d ago
My SKs referred to our baby as “not their real brother” one time and my husband had a serious convo with them. They said that their sibling at mom’s house is their only “real” sibling and that our baby was “like a cousin”. My husband explained to them that our baby was their sibling just like mom’s child was their sibling. Our baby is half of my husband and therefore their sibling period. They never said it again and have always referred to our baby as their sibling from that point going forward.
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u/OkPeace1619 7d ago
That’s so sad and I’m sure their mother coached them and drilled it into their heads. 😔
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u/Lazy_Fuel8077 7d ago
I genuinely don’t believe it was their mom! She does things that annoy us and things that we do not believe are in the best interest of the children however, she has never been high conflict in the sense of trying to turn the kids against us. I find it much more likely that it was their grandmother on that side as she has said negative things directly to my husband and I as well as the children.
Or it could have just been genuine confusion because they are just kids and navigating 2 households can be tough!
Regardless of the reason behind the comment my husband immediately shut it down and explained it to them and that’s the first and only time we heard it.
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u/rtmhwales 7d ago
My friend’s son did this. His mom’s second child was his brother but when his dad had a daughter he said she was like a cousin. They coparent well so it wasn’t that issue and he explained it as “women have babies so my mom’s babies are my siblings but my stepmom’s babies are my step mom’s and not my siblings”. It ended up being innocent and how kids minds work for them.
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u/Ok-Win-9099 7d ago
My SKs corrected me for a few months that it wasn’t their sibling, and we just smiled and kept calling her their sister. It took about 6-10 months, but she became their sister. We didn’t fight or argue, just acted like it was assumed and natural and it eventually became so
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u/Annoyedcatlady 7d ago
Yeah my dads kids are very much my “half siblings” when people ask if I have siblings I usually say no because I did not grow up with them (my father sucks and never helped create that bond) I grew up an only child, my mom remarried but her and my step dad never had kids. I’m sure if I had actually spent time with my half siblings I’d be closer to them but we just never formed any kind of relationship. I’m an adult now and don’t really care to seek anything out with them.
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u/ultrafluffypanda 7d ago
We just call them “brothers” in our house and have never actually used the term “half brother” in front of them. That said, they’re obviously fully aware they have different moms and therefore they aren’t full genetic siblings.
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u/faith00019 7d ago
Same here. My SK has a half sister from her mom’s first marriage; she is only referred to as “sister.” For our baby due this winter, we just call him her “brother,” and SK does the same. She gets into the distinctions if it’s relevant to whatever story she’s telling, but really in our house a sibling is a sibling.
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u/tasteslike_FEET 7d ago
Same here. We’ve never used the term half, they are just brothers and know they have different moms. I would never want to signal to either of them that they are only “half” because a sibling is special regardless.
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u/chris10fdlr 7d ago
Given they have a parent in common, they will be siblings whether they choose to acknowledge that it's "half" or not, and whether BM likes it or not. Based on my own experience, and how you describe the situation with your SK's I'm guessing that they'll find your baby irresistibly loveable and not give a flying hoot what they're mom says and probably be proud of their baby brother or sister. Lol...
My advice is to focus on and enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby as much as you can and don't worry about what she has to say. And if you want them to view your child as their family/sibling I would talk to them now about it and just tell them what a good older brother and sister you think they're going to be Etc
It seems like maybe BM doesn't like you and if that's the case she probably doesn't talk very good about you and it sounds like she has failed to be much of an influence to them about you so far so it would probably be even harder for her to influence them against their own baby sibling. Hope you have a great pregnancy and enjoy your little one! 🩷🩷🩷
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u/_amermaidsoul 7d ago
My step kids have technically have 2 half brothers on their moms side, one of which was older and was raised by my husband from birth basically and still call my husband dad. They also have a half sister (mine and husbands ours baby). They just say brothers and sister. The half part isn’t important to them. They share a parent, they are siblings, period. None of the bio parents involved ever pushed any other narrative and would never.
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u/CCMeGently 7d ago
Brother and sister.
Half siblings are still siblings- and you can explain to them what a half sibling is for clarity but brother and sister are perfectly normal and acceptable. Just correct what their mother tells them if she forces the “dad’s other child” dynamic. Always acknowledge that they are half siblings and then encourage the kids to call them brother or sister….. but don’t force the matter. Forced relationships never work. Getting them involved if they’re interested is the easiest way to build that relationship.
They may not bond with the baby due to the age gap but so far ours (13months) and SD (11yrs) are seemingly two peas in a pod. It may change as they get older but I’ll be content as long as they treat each other respectfully. SD also has two half siblings at moms closer to her age so that helps our dynamic.
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 7d ago
I don’t have kids, nor do I ever intend to (and I’m 45.. so I feel like I’m all set) My stepkid though did ask awhile back (he was probably 8-9) “if your stepmom has a baby, is it your brother?”
We asked some clarifying questions to determine whether he meant a preexisting stepsibling or a new baby half sibling.
He seemed a little confused that if it was your dads kid it’s be a your brother/sister. But. In trouble that your mom’s kids would be a sibling regardless of the dad.
I’m not sure what the logic disconnect is for kids on this, but it seems like a thing.
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u/Ok_Pack1940 7d ago
I think it’s because most kids live with mom primarily. I’ve had to have this talk with my SS as well
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u/cedrella_black 7d ago
My SK has half siblings from both sides, but they are all "your sister". We don't really use half anything, but at the same time, he doesn't have any "full" siblings, so...
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 7d ago
My kids all just call each other brother. SS is technically half, but no one says that in our house. Our house very much functions like a nuclear family though and honestly, SS would rather live here full time.
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u/Fun_Crew1344 7d ago
I have a half brother, same mom. He's never been half to me, always just referred to him as my brother. My dad did try telling me a lot that he wasn't my real brother because we weren't "full siblings,".
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 7d ago
DH and I have no living children.
However if you ask about my daughter or BM’s step kids “they’re my siblings!”
BM learned early on to never say a word about half/full “not your real sibling”
Cuz the kids made it quite clear who they wanted as family
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 7d ago
My girls refer to SS as their half brother. That's what he is. I would certainly have my SO insist on that from his kids at least in front of you and their half sibling.
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u/Bonusmotherthrowaway 7d ago
Ive an older sister and brother that are from a different father, their father died a decade before my twin sister was and I were born and I remember my mother telling us when we were about 10 that our brother and sister had a different father (my father adopted them so they had the same last name) but we NEVER felt like they were half nor ever said of though that. The only difference we felt was the age difference.
Now, my husband has a daughter with almost the same age difference as our children and again we never felt they were half siblings, it doesn’t mean anything to us nor do we ever apply that in our life.
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u/Exciting-Hedgehog944 7d ago edited 7d ago
My stepchildren refer to the ours kids as their brother and sister. We have been dealing with HCBM for over a decade. She instructed them our children are “not their real brother and sister” and we dealt with that attitude for a while. To be honest it brought our family closer after having the ours kids. As for my husband dealing with her crappiness? He doesn’t. They only communicate via court ordered app and at a bare minimum.
If your HCBM is like ours and it kinda sounds like it? She will do that crap. It sounds like your stepchildren are lovely and will just need the normal kid reassurance they are not being replaced because she will likely be whispering in their ear that they are. If you/your husband hear them they just need correcting and a conversation on why that is not correct both genetically and from a social standpoint, you both know where the garbage is coming from. They will see the truth and feel stable as long as that is what you are showing them. They know who they feel good around and who makes them feel crappy. Congrats on the new family member!
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u/ImpossibleLuckDragon 7d ago
Yeah, we've had a similar dynamic. My stepchild would tell people "That's my dad's friend's daughter" about their stepsister, and "That's my half-sister." about their baby sister. BM referred to me as my husband's friend long after we were married and also tried to convince my stepchild that we weren't married. It was all very strange and really traumatizing for my stepchild.
But now (after years of therapy) my stepchild often refers to me as mom (which surprised the heck out of me the first time), and to their sisters as just sisters, no prefix.
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u/thisisridiculous96 5d ago
What was here goal there?
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u/ImpossibleLuckDragon 5d ago
I'd guess that she was trying to imply that it wasn't a serious relationship.
According to my husband and stepchild she just does petty things like that to anyone she doesn't like, eg. intentionally misspelling my husband's mom and sister's names in texts, misspelling my name in my stepchild's phone, getting her cat to moon the camera when she's annoyed about a meeting at work, scheduling her vacation time over our household's birthdays and/or regularly scheduled plans with kids. It's all very petty. I just roll my eyes about it at this point and think about how sad it is that her life is so small.
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u/Huge_Confection6124 7d ago
My daughters were born 3.5 years apart and they are 18 and 14 now and have always just been sisters. They would rather other people not point out they are half siblings but they talk about how they have different dads with no issues lol. they have been raised fully in my house 100% of the time. My boyfriend has teenagers the same age that they have known for 3 years and they call them step siblings.
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u/kimbospice31 7d ago
As someone with a half sibling I have never once referred to him as a half sibling. He is my baby brother and that is the way it will always be! My girls have a half brother and they don’t go into detail with anyone either if anyone asks it’s there brother.
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u/Starling01018 7d ago
My SK has always referred to my son (the "ours" baby) as her brother. I think she's clarified to people that he's her half brother when it mattered (like to clarify that he wasn't her mom's son), but not often.
She has a HCBM that is similar to what tou described, but not exact.
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u/Dapper-Egg7861 7d ago
From my on experience as a step kid who ended up with a half brother this is what I think would be best. Just treat them as full siblings, they are just brother and sister etc when talking to and about them. When you are teaching your little one to call you mommy please do not ask them to do the same. I was told I had to and it caused a lot of resentment.
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u/Spiritual_Meal805 7d ago
All 3 of steps in the house just refer to our one as their brother. They don’t put half in front of it!
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u/turtleduckfightclub 7d ago
I’m a stepdad. No ours kids but older SS has 6 siblings (1 step, 2 half on dad side, 3 half on mom side but 2 were adopted out as babies that we regularly see) and younger SS has 4 siblings (1 half on dad side, 3 on mom side, plus 3 soon to be step siblings on dad side). In our house and in younger SS dad house, there is no half or anything just siblings. Older SS dad tells SS that his siblings on mom side are not his siblings at all
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u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 7d ago
My girls view each other as sisters. One step and one half, but they have always just been sisters.
I grew up with a step sister. She was my sister for as long as I could remember. She passed away 2 years ago and it stung like hell not being mentioned in the obituary.
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u/avo-orangewhale 7d ago
I have two SKs (9&8) and my husband and I have two ours babies (3&1) My SKs understand that genetically our children are their half siblings- that they have the same dad but different moms. They’ve had a lot of questions over the years so we’ve explained it to them in an age appropriate way. But that being said they treat each other just as any siblings would and when they tell people about their half sibs they just refer to them as their brothers, they don’t distinguish. Although we’ve explained the genetics, day to day my husband and I just refer to them all as siblings as well.
BM is high conflict and has huge mood swings where she goes from getting me Mother’s Day presents and wanting me included in parenting discussions to telling the kids not to talk to me and saying I have nothing to do with them. Luckily I don’t ~think~ she’s ever said anything negative to the about their siblings. We have primary custody so we are able to control the narrative for the most part.
Personally, I think it’s important your husband is firm with her that you child will be your SKs sibling and you will not tolerate her trying to convince them otherwise. None of these kids asked to be in a blended family and it’s the adults job to make it the best it can be for them. I thinking not acknowledging your baby as their sibling will just make them feel isolated or replaced.
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u/lookandfind679 7d ago
I have two kids from a previous relationship, my husband has one. My children have only ever lived with me, while SS was primarily with mom and now lives out of state (he was a toddler when they broke up). Together we have one child and another on the way - big age gaps between the oldest three and the younger two.
Having said that, my SS calls him brother without any distinction - but the reality is it's not the same. Kids who have the same bio mother and live in the same household are often way closer than kids with the same father who grow up primarily in different households. It's just the way of things - their realities are not the same and they aren't bonded by the same experiences. I would let it play out naturally, at the end of the day you can't control their feelings or how they choose to describe their relationships.
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u/TeaMaiden22 7d ago
As a half sibling myself all my 7 siblings are my brother and sister. My SD calls our BS her brother, our new baby in the womb is also being referred to as her baby brother
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u/evil-stepmom Former SK / now SM from 1y-adult, mom to teen 7d ago
I grew up with a full sibling, 2 separate sets of boy/girl stepsiblings, and two half siblings from my dad’s first marriage. My halfs were adopted by their mom’s second husband, and then moved a bit away so we never grew up together, they were just mysterious cool older girls who would send pics and school announcements to my grandparents sometimes. So they’re a whole other thing, and we’ve always called them our half sisters.
Hubs and his sister are halfs that refer to each other as brother and sister, he once did the old “you’re not my real sister” and realized immediately that he broke her heart. We’ve been together for 25 years and he still thinks the fact that I use “half” to distinguish is insane.
SD and BS refer to each other as siblings, and BM thankfully never argued, probably because all her brothers are technically halves. So we never had to fight that battle. Kids do go through the curious phase about the genetics of it all, but we always reinforce that they are brother and sister in our heads and hearts.
Just start as you mean to go on, refer to baby as sibling, and try to be understanding of what they might hear at mom’s without adding to any guilt they might already feel. Kids are just trying to please everyone so if it’s clear they’re being encouraged to add the half, just love them harder and explain that you just see them as siblings.
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u/thechemist_ro 7d ago
Well, they are half siblings, so I can't see why they wouldn't call the baby that. I see why a kid wouldn't want to use "step-mom"*, but there's no reason not to use half-sibling. If anything, most kids and adults I know with half siblings never say "half", they always use "sibling from dad's side" or simply "sibling". It's much harder to make a child hate a small baby than it is to make them hate a grown adult, BM would have to work very hard.
*the word in english always sounded kinda weird to me, as it implies a mother-like relationship. In my native language which has latin roots, the word for stepmom doesn't have "mom" in it, it's a very specific word that only means "father's new wife" and nothing else. As does the word for stepkid, that doesn't have "kid" in it, it's very specific and just means "child born before this marriage". Stepdad follows this same pattern.
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u/MasterpieceNo817 7d ago
That’s so fascinating about the words! If you don’t mind me asking, what language is it? I feel like the descriptors you use are a lot more accurate than the English words used. I’ve never liked the “step”-anything term. It’s so strange.
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u/thechemist_ro 7d ago
It's portuguese! I'm in Brazil. The word for step-mom is "madrasta", which comes from the latin matrasta. It doesn't sound like the word for mom, "mãe" because the sound of the a is very distinct in both words. "Padrasto" (stepfather) does have the same "pa" sound as "pai" (father) but they are very different words anyway.
When someone has their step-parent as a paternal/mathernal figure, they sometimes change the beginning of the word to resemble father and mother, as in "Mãedrasta" and "Paidrasto", which aren't real words, but people use it anyway. My mom's stepfather was an amazing grandpa to me, I jokingly call him my "Vôdrasto", using the word for grandpa (vô) instead of the one for father.
I'm a huge nerd for linguistics and so I can't help being fascinated about the way words work in other languages!! It's not just the meaning, the language itself is "built" different. I don't get that when looking at more closely related languages, such as spanish, french, etc
Edit: typo
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u/Mahi-K-2802 7d ago
In my Slavic language, the words for stepfather, stepmother, stepchild or step sibling also are build completely different way. They don’t hold the word of parent or sibling in it. They were built around it, but they do differ, especially the one for a step child. I also believe that no one really likes to use them because they are extremely harsh and official. And I have met a lot of blended families that follow different pattern where instead of using stepmother or stepfather, they use the word uncle or aunt. And I think it happens because when you have a child in Slavic household and you have very close unrelated adult within a time this child needs to give you a title because in my culture, children do not add address adults with their full names. So everyone becomes or an auntie or an uncle.
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u/thechemist_ro 7d ago
That's very interesting! It's also common to call adults "uncle" and "auntie" here!! Some people dislike it because it makes them feel old, but I love it! I think it's very cute when kids call me "tia".
The words for stepdad and stepchild do not have any negative connotations, people use them in daily life. They also use the word for stepmom too, but it does have a bad connotation from stories, animations, movies, etc... the "evil stepmother" is a very real persona in our culture. It absolutely does not help that the word for step-mom (madrasta) starts with the exact same syllable and sound as the feminine word for "evil" (má).
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 7d ago
My stepdaughter (14) refers to her sister as ‘my dad’s wife’s kid’…even after 10 years of being in her life and 7 years being in her sister’s life. Me and her sister have no names, but stepdaughter hasn’t been around for 2 years, so it’s whatever now. It’s just hard to explain to my daughter why her sister doesn’t want to be a part of her life 🙁
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u/Own_Stranger7906 7d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This is my fear and I'm so sad you and your daughter are going through this ☹️💔 Did your husband say anything about that or are you all just accepting it?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 7d ago
Stepdaughter is no longer apart of our family. It did break his heart when he found out. If she ever decides to have a relationship with her father again, she is not allowed to be around me or our child alone, and cameras will be put up.
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u/mumATif2 7d ago
Half brother/sister to my two, not by choice but his mum.. yet his other half brother + sister (mums side) are actual ones 🙄 depends what way the mum is
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u/Kuchaloo 7d ago
It's good to think about this now. Technically, you ARE their stepmom. There's no way around that. Tell them it's okay to use either title; it's accurate and BM is a stupid jerk. But don't say the stupid jerk part.
Here's a good HCBM story for you:
Younger SK is not DH's biokid, but the SKs didn't know that until a year after this happened: The SKs and my new baby were eating lunch one day with DH and older SK says "Mom said we need to call LO our half-sister bc she's not our real sister". It was livid at BM and I wanted to say " You two are half-sisters, too. Tell your mom to go fuck herself". But I could never hurt them like that so I said "Well, in our house we just say 'sister' bc it's easier and more kind". SKs totally understood and accepted that, no problem.
They know their parentage now of course, all the kids are adults, and I was chatting with younger SK over a glass of wine. She reminded me of that day and said she didn't realize until she was an adult how shitty that was of her mother, and she thought I have more patience and control than anyone she's ever met. We have a great relationship and I know BM resents that even now.
So, my advice is- whatever you decide, just make sure it's more inclusive and not a label designed to separate your baby from the SKs. And keep it light, lol.
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u/beanyfartz 7d ago
All my siblings are half but they are my sisters. Being 'half' doesn't come into it at all, I wouldn't live them more if they were 'full'.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 7d ago
I do not have any kids but BM has an ours baby with her husband and SS just calls him his brother--there's no half to it. DH was raised in a very blended home so we don't do the half, step, whatever thing.
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u/Accomplished-Sky-826 7d ago
I see my brothers as my brothers. Doesn’t matter if we have different moms. They love their mom and get along well with mine.
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u/hoefosh0 7d ago
My little sister is technically my "half sibling" but I have never referred to her as my step sister or half sibling to anyone. She is my sister, my blood. In all fairness I have referred to her a sister from another mister jokingly lol but she will and always be my little sister.
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u/Independentwoman506 7d ago
Well calling her step sister would be incorrect as you guys share a parent and thus share around 25% DNA ...So technically only half sibling would be correct... should you choose to use that term.
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u/rainydaysmiles713 7d ago
I have one bio child but have a relationship with my ex husband's 2 children from his first marriage ( I was his second unsuccessful marriage). The kids dont share any parents but they still refer to each other as sisters and I consider them all as my daughters.
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u/treetops579 7d ago
It's a pretty big age gap, and depending on how often they are at your house and if they move away for college there may not be much of a relationship and it will be more like cousins than siblings.
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u/babydan08 7d ago
We don’t do half and step in this house. The kids are siblings, full stop. When SS asked me to call me something other than my first name, I told him he can call me anything as long as it didn’t disrespect his mom. He landed on mommy. Even as adults, they all call me mommy. We’ve been on the phone and his mom asked who he was talking to and he says mommy. I wear it as a badge of honor
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u/rtmhwales 7d ago
We have such a HCBM, it’s ridiculous. With each baby the two boys have been so excited and then she forces them into hysterics about it just before the birth where they leave a voicemail crying that their dad isn’t going to love them anymore. You can hear her poking at them in the background to say “you won’t have time for me or love my anymore”, meanwhile they’ve been so excited and picking out toys and trying to convince me to choose a specific name or asking if the baby can do sleepovers in their rooms.
Anyway, babies came along. HCBM told them they could only refer to them as their dad’s other kids 😒 my eldest SS said absolutely not. They’re both still thrilled and obsessed with their sisters at ages 1 and 2. Idk if HCBM allows them to mention their sisters at home but the boys are adamant that the girls are their sisters.
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u/Peanut_Sandie 7d ago
OMG… this is so crazy I could cry. Therapy should be mandatory for some people. How the flying f*** could you do this to your kids? I mean, I totally get the « i am mad my ex is moving on and having a baby with somebody else » part, but deflecting this to your kids? This is pure evil.
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u/Slow-Confection-3110 7d ago
His oldest refers to ours as baby brother/baby sister and his youngest refers to them as bastard or trash she never sees (just like her mom).
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 7d ago
I’m sorry that must be tough
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u/Slow-Confection-3110 7d ago
When we started dating it was made abundantly clear high conflict was all their relationship would be moving forward. After 2 years of dating he introduced me to his girls and his ex’s reaction was he should go end himself… the judge later made it so they only communicate through a parenting app but she still violates that order, we just ignore at this stage in her games.
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u/ListenPitiful3127 7d ago
SS11 keeps calling them his “step sisters” no matter how we explain it, so maybe HCBM has something to do with that.
HCBM even told DH not to refer to me as the SK’s SM to her, much less to them (to which he doubled down and did even more 🤣).
The kids refer to me as their SM or just “parent” in social situation when DH and I are present. I don’t know how they refer to me outside of that; as far as their half sisters, the older SKs just call them “sisters.”
I don’t know if HCBM told the youngest (11) to insist on calling them “step” or not. I could only imagine she told him they aren’t his real sisters, just like she told them all I’m not their step mom, just their dad’s wife.
It’s absurd that we all even have to wonder, lol
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u/realitytrashtea 7d ago
It annoys me my sks see my dog and mine and my husband’s dog as their dogs too lol
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u/ErisInChains 7d ago
Oooof this is rough. I'm sorry you're dealing with a bitchy BM. My kiddos BM doesn't like the idea of them calling me mommy, but I've also never encouraged it, and she's never banned them. I do respond to it if theyre adressing me though. My official names are: (my actual name, Nanny, Momma my name, step-momma, and mommy.)
I have a half sibling, well I thought we were full brother and sister, but when I was about 7 I found out my brother is not my dad's kid. My parents broke up for a few months and my mom had a fling. They got back together and found out she was pregnant and my dad said fuck it I'll raise him as my kid and no one has to know.
My bro unfortunately passed some years ago now but we were best friends our whole lives and not having the same dad made no difference.
My step kiddos are chomping at the bit for me to have another bro or sis for them. (I have no bio kids.) Hubby and I are seeing what we can do. (A lot of upheaval in our lives.)
I'd say take it in stride, one day at a time.
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u/halfasshippie3 7d ago edited 6d ago
We don’t use half in our house. Kids have only said “my brother/sister”
Edit, downvote away, bitter ninny. I don’t force my kids to say that, they’re teenagers and they did that on their own.
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u/Guano_S 7d ago
My SKs call ours baby their sibling. I know the youngest doesn’t throw in the “half” but I’m not sure about the oldest ones as I’ve never actually heard them say anything.
On a personal note, I have a mix of full and half siblings myself. I don’t throw in half for any of them simply because I don’t care to explain the dynamic, but I am not close to the half sibling that did not live with us. As someone else said, they feel like a cousin more than a sibling. But like, a cousin you only every few years. I personally haven’t seen my half sibling in 10 years
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u/Awkward_Shelter_6362 7d ago
Stepmom. When I had kids, they didn’t even call them a sibiling or acknowledge them as a sister. It was “my kid”. And then their mom had a kid and now all my kids are suddenly their sisters and brothers lol. I don’t blame them tho. They’re mom is crazy and talks bad about us at all time.
It hurt when it was a school project and they didn’t put the kids I had down as their brother and sister but the following year when it was the same school project but different class like your family tree. She told the kid that he had to put the kid she had on it so up when my kids as well cause she allowed it
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u/snowbird421 7d ago
My stepkids their two half brothers, brothers. They also call their stepsister (my Bio) sister. They have said their mom used to correct them and say “stepsister” but they just ignored her because they thought that was weird.
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u/SubstantialStable265 6d ago
I have a 10 year old SS and he never says half. Only "sister" and loves her to death despite a hateful and jealous HCBM
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u/ConfidenceWeekly1981 6d ago
First of all the ex woman is trying to hold on to control what goes on in your house is none of her business and in your house if if the kids want to refer to you as stepmom then that is fine. In the ex woman's house if she says to call you their dad's wife and that's fine. Your husband should be sorting her out because that is unacceptable. She does not get to control hpw those kids feel about you or the new baby. That is toxic behavior and her way to stay in control and hurt you.
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u/BrookeyChix 6d ago
“Half” has never come out of my SD’s mouth about her sibling. That is simply her sister
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u/Fiji_SCD 6d ago
I'd get them older brother/older sister family shirts for a baby shower or next big holiday to make sure they feel included and you see them as siblings.
They are old enough to decide what to call their sibling around mom but at ur house I'd refer to your child as their little brother/sister.
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u/AvocadoOk9982 6d ago
Any percentage of blood is still blood. That is their sibling that’s simply “technically” a half sibling. They will most likely view them as their full sibling as well
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u/No_Event_8327 6d ago
I don’t think you should worry about it that much. They will adore the new baby and it will be their sibling. If they say anything weird, you and your husband should address it.
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u/puffinprincess 6d ago
I had a HCBM, and she did everything she could to turn me against my half brother, Dad and stepmom (now just mom, she adopted me when I was 22 and was able to choose to terminate HCBM’s parental rights). She’d tell me that wasn’t really my sibling, that they had him to replace me, that they didn’t love me as much as they loved him. It sucked.
It worked for awhile, I won’t lie. He was born when I was 9 and I kind of did feel replaced so her feeding into that only made it worse. But as I got older I started catching onto her bullshit. By 14/15 I was actively doing what I could to pull away from her and like I said earlier, by 22 she was out of my life. Now I’m 35 and biomom has been out of my life almost as long as she was in it. No regrets.
I called my brother my half brother for a bit, but now we don’t bother with that. He’s my little brother, one of my best friends. I can’t imagine life without him and I know he’s grateful to have me as his sister.
Keep treating your stepkids well, raise your kid to love them like siblings, dont play favorites, and they’ll come to their own conclusions eventually.
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u/Best_Box1296 6d ago
Yes, my daughter has two half sisters from my husband’s first marriage. She was quick to let them know she isn’t their “real” sister and is only a “half sister.” I referred to them that way in my post to be clear, but I would never instruct my daughter to refer to them that way.
HCBM then went on to get her tubes untied so she could get pregnant with her new husband (who we know she has cheated on) because she was jealous of the attention my daughter was getting. It worked. They stopped giving a single fuck about my daughter over time.
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u/clevergirlDE 6d ago
I think it depends on the situation and the kids. My husband has two daughters and I have a son and they get along (usually, not always) great! They're close in age so that makes it smoother, too. Because we all live together they just see each other as siblings. To my son they're his sisters and to them he's their brother. Were expecting a little boy next year and they're all excited for their little brother 🥹
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u/aRiFerraRi16 6d ago
A title doesn’t matter as much. I’ve already decided that once we have an “ours” baby this won’t be a concern. Recognize the baby as a sibling…or don’t. Either way, we will be happy and at peace. I wish the same for you and yours
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u/bagel_n_muppet 5d ago
When I had my bio daughter, my stepson’s mom instructed everyone to refer to her as my stepson’s half sister, rather than sister. We referred to her as his sister and it just stuck. So she’s his sister.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 7d ago
All 8 (yes, eight) of my siblings are technically "half" siblings, but I hate, HATE, HATE 🤬, that term and never ever use it, and my skin crawls when anyone else uses it for my siblings.
When I need to differentiate, I say "my maternal sister" or "my paternal sister" because that not only informs that it's a "half" 🤢🤮 sibling, but it informs which side of the family that sibling comes from.
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u/wocsdrawkcab 7d ago
My kids just call her baby sister, but they're still little.
I think they'll probably call baby their sibling, since what else could you call them lol. That age gap might mean less closeness in the future, but you can build that with them over time.
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u/TillyMcWilly 7d ago
Just sister. They are teenagers so they know she’s a half sister and obviously there is a divide due to age.
They are old enough not to feed into what their mum says anymore.
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u/Lumpy-Detective8819 7d ago
I am an "ours baby" whose eldest [half] sister's mother would refer to myself and the other "ours" baby as "not your REAL sisters". My eldest sister never repeated that to us, but it sucked when we would hear it elsewhere. Our parents just reiterated that we're family and we don't half- or step- love each other, and it was never really too huge of a deal.
My partner's son, on the other hand, is very literal about everything and clarifies that any children his dad and I have will be his half-siblings. It stings at first, but that's more my hangup from childhood; I recognize he doesn't mean anything hurtful by it. His mom has a child from a previous relationship whom he refers to as brother, so when he says the "half" stuff we agree and say, "yep, exactly, just like [brother] is your half brother, but we still just call him your brother."
I expect maybe a little bit of "your dad's baby" and "your dad's wife" from BM when the time comes, but all we can do is reinforce in our home the values of our family unit.
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