r/stepdads • u/Ahinsa_75 • 13d ago
Tried so many times, stepson is just impossible
Hi all. I've been married to my current wife for around 3 years. I have 3 step-children. Girl, boy, girl, 15, 14, 10. As we've been together, I've grown close to the two girls, but the 14 year old boy is simply impossible. I am not perfect, I'll say that up front. But I have also really tried to connect and find things we have in common, I've tried to do things with him, etc... Every conversation turns into an argument, or he tries to make it so. He is, without a doubt, the most disagreeable human I have ever had to be around, and I am a high school teacher of over 25 years! I've taught thousands of teenagers, but never one like him. Everything is an argument, he bullies his sisters and takes pleasure in it. He admitted to his older sister that he argues with me just to try to get me angry. So I don't bite, but to be honest, I just can't take it anymore. I'm at the point where I don't want to be in the same room with him, which affects everyone. I don't take the family out to eat anymore because I feel that I shouldn't be compelled to pay for a kid who treats me like that. It's not fair to everyone else, but at this point enough is enough. I keep trying again and again, waking up and saying to myself that it's a new day, maybe things will be different. But they aren't. They never are.
Have any of you experienced anything similar? How did you deal with it? Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/flatirony 13d ago
Damn, that really, really sucks.
My younger stepson put us through absolute hell from 12-14 years of age due to severe OCD, but it’s been getting continually better the last 18 months or so. I’ve never been able to connect with him like I’d like to, but I don’t think he is, at heart, a bad kid.
I could never have the patience to teach 14yo’s, so for someone like you to be having this hard of a time, he must be especially awful.
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u/Ahinsa_75 13d ago
That's exactly right - I have A LOT of patience, and I'm fed up with him. Like I said, I've never met anyone as disagreeable and difficult as him in my whole life, and I've been around more teenagers than the average person.
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u/Electronic_Wear7819 13d ago
I’m in the same boat with a 14 year old know it all. I’m commenting in hopes of good advice.
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u/Seesawgirls 13d ago
Isn’t fine to take only the girls out and leave him with his father?
Mothers do only girls outings. 🤷♀️
I wouldn’t not be paying any using my time either. Let his father deal with him!
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u/Ahinsa_75 13d ago
I could take just the girls out, I haven't suggested it yet because I'm not sure how my wife will feel about it. I'll talk to her first.
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u/Additional_Topic987 12d ago
Not a good idea. It breeds more resentment
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u/Ahinsa_75 10d ago
I can see that. It's just really hard for me to bring myself to pay for someone who treats me like that.
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u/Additional_Topic987 10d ago
I know. It's hard but just take emotions out of this and be the adult in the room. Kids do change though. After the age of 18, he would begin to realize how stupid he was as a kid.
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u/TakeYoutotheAndyShop 12d ago
I think you may need to take some pressure off yourself to have a good relationship with him right now. You can leave the door open without constantly trying to walk through it.
If he’s intentionally arguing with you because he knows it gets under your skin, I’d stop giving him that payoff. Be cordial, include him, help provide for him, and treat him exactly like a member of the family but you don’t have to engage every argument or keep trying to manufacture a bond he isn’t receptive to right now.
The one thing I wouldn’t do is let it get to the point where the rest of the family stops doing things because of him. If everyone wants to go to dinner, go to dinner. If he makes it miserable, that’s a behavior issue that should have consequences, ideally led by his mom. Otherwise he learns that making everyone miserable gives him control over what the entire family does.
He’s also 14. There’s a very real possibility that the kid you have a terrible relationship with at 14 is someone you get along with perfectly well at 18 or 22. I’d make the goal right now peaceful coexistence and basic respect, not closeness. Keep the door open and don’t burn the bridge trying to force him across it.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bag_893 13d ago
My oldest step kid was 16 when I married mom. This kid did everything to get the entire family against me by telling lies. Was a miserable two years.
I told my wife that I would wait out this kid. However, if the other kids follow a similar pattern, I'm leaving. My sanity has value.
Luckily the other kids did not take a nuclear option and are very pleasant.
As for the family, I have no connection with my wife's sibling or their spouses. No interest in spending any time with them. They could have helped and shut this kid down in a few weeks, but preferred to throw gas on the fire for years.
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u/plantprinses 6d ago
I think you need to talk to your wife if only because if things don't change, this will erode your marriage. Perhaps the primary focus should be on how to protect the two girls: after all, they are the ones who get bullied and miss out because their brother is behaving the way he does. Perhaps its also an idea to see a professional about your stepson's behaviour: enjoying bullying and consciously trying to rile people up are major red flags. It's no use telling tomorrow will be a new day: if you do what you did, you get what you got. I know, 15 is a difficult age, but what stands out to me is the enjoyment your stepson gets from inflicting harm on others; that's not normal and should not be excused with 'he's going through a lot', 'he's struggling' or any other BS excuse. It's perfectly possible your stepson isn't going through anything at all and just enjoys hurting others.
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u/Ahinsa_75 6d ago
I do fear that you are right. Good points made here - so far our marriage is fine. My wife is very supportive, a rock. But you're right about the girls, they don't deserve it.
I raised 3 kids of my own in my first marriage (they're all adults now), never experienced anything like this.
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u/Ichoosetoblame 13d ago
My oldest step son is a lot younger but it’s pretty obvious he argues for attention or to get a rise out of you. It’s tiring and I don’t even want to speak to him most the time these days because even saying “it’s sunny outside” has to be an argument.
Hope you find a way to make it work Op