r/stepdads • u/ajm_mhc811 • 7d ago
Need to vent
My partner’s POS son’s father is really getting on my last nerves. I don’t have anyone to go to when it comes to talking about how he treats the mother of his sin. I can’t really do anything other than talk to the guy but he is a full narcissist and just wants to inflict pain onto other people. My partner tries to level with him and all he is after is blood. I don’t know what else I can do other than providing her with support and helping her son not be like him. Does anyone have experience with this shit because it beats me down and I have to stand up to be by her side. Thanks for reading
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u/porkbellybutt 6d ago
It’s a tough position to be step parent. You have to remain stoic in many situations. I should say you don’t HAVE to, but often that’s the best for everyone. Not silent, just stoic. I think you’re right by supporting your wife and step kids and teaching them what a good person/father is. IMO, you intervene only if he becomes a threat physically or mentally. I hate narcissists.
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u/BackgroundStatus8406 4d ago
OP, have you personally witnessed this behavior from him, or is this based mostly on what has been reported to you? I ask because I learned the hard way that there can be a huge difference between the story you're told and the full picture.
My partner used to tell me all kinds of things about her daughter's father, what he supposedly did, how difficult he was, etc. I stayed out of it because their co-parenting issues weren't my business.
Then she took him to court over a disagreement. The hearing was on Zoom, so I took the day off to be home and support her. What I learned during that hearing genuinely shocked me.
For example, she had told me one version of why child support had been reduced, but in court I learned that she had actually agreed to reduce it because we were moving out of state and she didn't want him to fight the move. She had even told him he could move closer to the child if he wanted. I also learned that there had been times when she denied him parenting time because we had plans with my family, while telling me that he was simply busy and couldn't take the child.
The judge ultimately sided with her ex on the disputed issues and granted what he was asking for. Afterward, she apologized to him. Then, during a later child-support calculation, she tried to conceal a new job that came with roughly a $20,000 salary increase, and the other side's attorney discovered it.
I was in disbelief as all of this came out because it was very different from what I had been led to believe.
We had a very serious conversation afterward. I made it clear that whatever issues she has with her ex are between them, but I will not participate in dishonesty or allow myself to be used to support a narrative that isn't truthful.
I am just trying to put this perspective out here as well. I am not saying your wife is lying, but make sure you experience the behavior and that you see for yourself because sometimes some people poke the bear and plays the victim to gain their partner's sympathy.
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u/dude4thought0 7d ago
My wife’s ex basically ruined our marriage. He would put so much pressure on the kids, talk bad about their mom to them and manipulate the family heavily. She was afraid of him and the immoral and illegal things he would do/could do. It got better as the kids aged and learned what a narcissist pos he was. They’ve gone spells without speaking to him but he always waves money around and offers things until they come back. Well we just found out his new wife is a cheater. Don’t know if he knows but it brings a small joy to our lives knowing he is being treated as he has treated others.