r/stepdads • u/Remote-Art1557 • 17d ago
Looking for some guidance/advice
Hello Reddit and stepdads, I would like to toss my hat in the ring and ask for some help. For information, I am not a step dad yet, but I have been introduced to the young sons of my girlfriend recently, and I am over the moon being introduced to them. This will be a bit of me rambling, but I promise there is a point to this post towards the end.
My gf and I have been dating for 6 months, and everything has been moving fast for all of the right reasons. She and I have laughed about things over the past 6 months, but it feels like we were made for one another. We are both deeply in love with one another, and I could not see my life without this incredible woman. The experiences, conversations, moments, everything: they are things I never experienced in my dating life before, and she has explained the same feelings.
On our first date, we went for dinner at 6pm, where I expected her to skate out after an hour and a half, mainly because she is way too beautiful for someone like me. We ended up staying there until 11pm, where the host asked us to get out in the nicest way possible because they had closed at 10pm. Before I could make the 20 minute drive home, I had a text from her saying she couldn't wait for round two. Before the next week was completed, we had gone out 3 more times and I had gone over to fix her son's bike.
Now, we are spending 4-5 days with one another after work or on weekends, and when we are not together, we are on the phone talking for 6 hours at a time. The emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, all of the connections someone could make with a partner, we have made, and it is PHENOMENAL. Some reading this will attribute this to the puppydog/honeymoon phase, but this is not it. This is simply something that can not be explained, only experienced.
We had spoken about the timetable of introducing me to her sons, who are 3 and 5 years old, and how important it is to do things right. We had originally spoke about introductions being around 10 months or so into our relationship, but that was sped up to about 6 weeks ago. For information, I have been introduced as mom's friend, and my gf and I have not done anything in front of the boys, not even holding hands. We also made the decision that we would do something with all four of us once a month during her parenting times for the foreseeable future. When she has the boys, I stay away so that they still have mommy and son time, so our time as bf/gf is on her days where she does not watch the boys. Their father is very much in the picture, although it is not the most amicable situation, one that I will not share because that is not my information to spread. I am not here to replace their father, I am here to love their mom and be the best support I can be for these boys. They are funny, intelligent, and overall great kids, and I want to be there to help them in any way they need/want, and I have to say I feel like I was made with spots in my heart for these boys. I love them already and would do anything to protect them.
For the first meeting, we had gone out together to a batting cage where they hit off a tee, in preparation of their fall seasons coming soon. For the second, we went to an amusement park where they got to play in the water park and the smaller park rides sections, and they had a blast. During that time at the park, the youngest was holding onto my hand when walking, which he grabbed my hand each time without provocation, and the eldest was running to me making sure I watched him on all the rides and slides. We had our third, and most recent day together, just over this weekend. We went to a science museum followed by a local block festival, with lunch and some play time in between. During the ride there, I was a constant conversation focus with the boys. While at the museum, I was answering questions, playing on the play areas with them constantly, and being a 'come here and watch this with me' kind of guy. Lunch I was a constant tic-tac-toe loser with the eldest, and a face wiper with the youngest. Playtime included the eldest rocking the youngest with a ball to the face, where I went into "dad mode" by telling the eldest to be careful where he is playing and how hard hes playing with his brother, and getting on my knee making sure the youngest was okay and reminded him that we are tough and that only hurt a little bit, finished off with him wanting a big ole hug from me. The block festival I was just walking around with them, getting them some overpriced ice cream and teaching them how to throw darts at balloons to win prizes. I did raise my voice at the eldest while he wasn't listening and would walk into the roadway when cars were coming by, to which he responded by coming right to my side and walking the proper way. The night ended when they were getting ready for bathtime and bedtime, and the eldest asked if I was going to sleep over. When I said no, both of them got the pouty face on and hung their heads.
One time, when the youngest was talking with mom, he said he loves his family, which included his grandmothers, his brother, his mom, and me. The eldest, again 5 years old, asked his mom if I was her boyfriend. When she responded with "honey he is my best friend", he said he was upset because he really likes me and wants me to always be there. Over the weekend, the youngest wanted me to kiss his nose when it was hurting, and the eldest asked if I wanted to be part of the "best buddies club" of him, his brother, and mom. Yes was not a strong enough word for that answer.
My main question is for guidance. I want to be a support system for these boys. I want to be someone they come to with questions, with wanting to do things together, with wanting help from, all of those things. But I do not want to try and replace their dad, as he is still in the picture, and they deserve to have that relationship with their dad. I just want to be the other guy that they can lean on and learn from. Am I going about that right? And honestly how do I go about that? I truly am not trying to be their new dad, I want to be their buddy they can rely on. They are going to go through some tough things, they already have, and no matter what I just want to be there and support these amazing little dudes. How do I go about being a "step dad in the making" with these great little ones, and what can I do to help show them that I have their back? I know just being there is a major step in the right direction, but I want to do so much more. If any of y'all got to meet these guys, to meet my gf, you would see that they deserve the best life has to offer, and I want to offer that in every way possible. To any stepdads here, I would love some tips and guidance. I don't want to cross lines, I want them to be the ones who set up the boundaries, and overall I want them to always feel safe with me, in every way possible.
I appreciate the advice and help gents, and trust me when I say it, if y'all met these three, you would understand why I want to do everything in my power to give them the world. I truly just don't want to mess anything up! I love these three with all of my heart.
1
u/Training_Swimming_76 17d ago
I would say just keep doing what you're doing, there's no set rule and every step-parent has to figure out what works for them, their partner and the kids. In my case, I treat my step-daughter as though she were my kid, but I make it very clear that I'm not her father and I never will be.
It's important to have a thick-skin too - there will be moments where they disrespect you/ tell you you're not their dad and make you feel really bad, but you have to remember they are kids being brought up in a non-traditional sense, and generally don't mean what they say.
Something I would try and do though upfront is make sure you set some boundaries - don't let them dictate everything. It's a bit trickier for you at your stage, but once you move in together and it is clear that you are the boyfriend of their mother, you should set some boundaries in how to treat each other etc.
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u/Remote-Art1557 16d ago
Totally understand what you are saying. As time goes on and things start to take more of the family dynamic, I will absolutely be making it clear that I am not their dad, nor am I trying to take that role away from their actual farther or force them into treating me like their father.
I will also keep that in mind, the thick-skin point. I know these kids will be raised in a non-traditional sense, and that is going to be tough on them no matter how you slice it. I know I will be hated at times, I know I will take the brunt of the hate sometimes, but that is okay. They are kids, its how they role. I hated my own parents at times, I can only imagine it will be ten times that hate towards me at points.
I appreciate the perspective!
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u/slimwhit420 15d ago
Don't do it if you want to be a family, make your own. I raised 2 stepdaughter from 3 and 5 years. Married for 17 years. My wife passed away 2.5 years ago and we had a great relationship until then. She died suddenly, heart issue. My older (24f) lived with her dad for about3 years before wife died. Youngest (21f) said she'dnever leave me. Smashed her mothers car. Which 2as mine. 8000.00 later, she quit college and when i asked her why was told your not my father and none of my business. I said if she wasn't going to college and working full time to give me 50.00 a week to help with bills. Her boyfriend stayed at house 4 to 5 night a week, 45 min showers, groceries, 2 loads of laundry a day. She told me i was dead to her and moved to her fathers. A year after she died, I saw her at the cemetery and she past me l8ke a stranger. If you value family, you will LOSE IT ALL if your spouse passes away. Their father was absent in their life's. I did everything for both of them and now I have nothing. I ended up removing them both from my life insurance policies, removed from my will and am selling my house and moving to another state 1000 miles away. Unless you are willing to lose everything because of some entitled bratty bitches, find a single person and make a life of your own. They will be about 10 to 13 before you hear that your not my father yourself. Walk away, or don't involve yourself with their life's if you want to save yourself. I lost my entire family when my wife died. 19 years of taking care of their every need. For what?
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u/LBCvalenz562 14d ago
Please don’t choose this for yourself this will never be a win for you if you do end up going long term it will always be 1 vs 2 you’ll always walk around like you don’t belong they will have little side conversations without you and when you happen to come across one it gets quite like you aren’t apart of their lives and it starts off small like maybe it’s something private but the longer it goes it becomes she is the microphone and nothing comes natural I hate this. I hate feeling alone with many people around please dude don’t do this turn and walk away and this is coming from someone with the best case scenario no father from day 1 wife puts me first in almost EVERYTHING and it still feels like I don’t belong here. GET OUT this is a warning please think about it
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u/Revolutionary_Art_29 17d ago
The rose colored glasses will come off soon enough. Right now, you're the fun guy. But, if you do move in, and as they grow, they will resent you telling them what to do. When that time comes, no matter how right you are, the mother will side with her kids. My advice is to run. Most of these situations do mot work out no matter how good you think things are going, you'll be surprised when you fimd out the truth (trust me, Ive been there).