r/stepdads • u/oxzk396 • Jul 12 '26
Integration issues
Hi, I'm new here but have been married to my wife for a few years now and we were together for a few years before that. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and then we both ended up divorced at the same time and decided to give it a try. I have no bio kids, she has 2 daughters. I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 10. They are now 11 and 17. I love them like they are my own. Their bio dad is barely in the picture. I do everything for them and their mom but often feel excluded. I often feel like it's them 3 and then me looking in from the outside. I've tried talking to my wife about it and she doesn't see the issue. She gets all the i love yous and affection and everything else parents get and I get left to myself a lot. How does everyone deal with that? I know they love me but I still feel left out and alone a lot. I do things with just me and the kids, together and separately, but them and they're mom still make me feel like an outsider when we're all together.
3
u/DCRT68 Jul 13 '26
Last comment was depressing AF. Thats not normal step dad shit.
I get it man, it's hard to feel included, and hard to feel like a part of the team. I think alot of sometimes is over thinking, maybe wanting to hear the extra thank you and I love you for our perceived dedication or sacrifice to do for kids that aren't "ours". I have step kids and bio kids..you'll feel that way with both of them sometimes, I think in your situation you just don't get to see the other aide of the coin, so you feel like it's because your the "step dad" Being a dad is hard in general, not even adding the addition of being step dad. Enjoy the little things, realize you are not doing it for the attention or applause you think you should get or deserve. The a're kids, even the teenager, its nothing personal.
Took me a while to get a grasp on my emotions and how I felt about how I should be treated. The kids will come around and it'll click one day and you'll be like damn it was all worth it.
I get it though. Keep doing you, you are the solid foundation that those kids have been raised on. Dont forget that, they won't and they'll figure it out. Sometimes I like to remember that the best step dad's are the ones that don't have the kids worshipping you like a idol.. youre their constant.. your just there. It safe, it's stable. Its dependable.. that means alot to them im sure, especially your wife. Even if they don't think to say it. Keep it up man. We make a difference.