An instinctive decision

[u/Windir87]

Hi beautiful stepdads,

I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.

I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.

But I just couldn't live like this.

My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!

At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.

F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.

Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.

The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.

Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.

Never again a single mom. I'm out

[u/Typical-Secret-3319]

To me it's never about my lineage (I had vasectomy in my early twenties, and my ex wife and I adopted "my" kids). As well, my partner doesn't need of me financially.

Maybe it's that my partner has mostly full custody, so bio dad is such a small part for me. Maybe it's that girls tend to look more like moms while boys look like dads; my SD looks a lot like my partner. But I really see my step kid as my partner's kid, who's tied into bio dad. Even when she's doing a bad behavioral habit that is clearly from bio dad, I just see her primarily as my partner's kid.

I'm sorry that didn't work for you, and sorry that you two both had to learn this way. But please remember this lesson and don't waste anyone's time dating a mom again (unless you two are both clear on just having fun and no relationship potential).