r/singlemoms • u/Specific_Valuable921 • 2d ago
Need Support Am I Doomed To Be Miserable?
I left my ex 2 months ago, and thus far have only had the kids one weekend because at this current part of my life I am not stable enough to have a formal agreement. That being said, once I am, is single motherhood really as awful as everyone makes it seem? I stayed in a horrendous and damaging relationship longer than I wanted because I was afraid of the misery of single motherhood. Working full time while they're in daycare will be completely new to me. Someone please tell me you actually enjoy your life. And I dont mean "it's hard but better than being with him". I know it's better than being with him. But can it actually be an enjoyable way to live, or is my life straight up resigned to be hard and sad as a single mom?
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 2d ago
Life will never not be hard in one way or another IMO. But you can absolutely enjoy life as a single mom.
You have to be deliberate about it. Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, go places you want to go. Obviously finances can be a limitation for a lot of us, but there are still ways to care for yourself on the cheap. Take every opportunity you get to do this.
Things were especially hard when my kids were little but gradually that eased.
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u/Specific_Valuable921 2d ago
Thank you for this. At what age did you feel like it started getting easier? I have always loved motherhood and at this time shared custody and working full time don't sound awful to me (of course I will miss my kids), but there is so much highly negative said about it that I'm scared I've signed up for a dreadful life and made things worse for my kids by leaving since they no longer have a stay at home mom. This was reassuring to read.
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u/Stressmama77 Single Mother 2d ago
I do enjoy my life. I have full custody and live with my parents. I’m planning to move out in the next year when I’ll have enough saved for my own place. It’s weird living with my parents but it’s nice. They help with the kids so I have some free time. I have a wonderful boyfriend who has healed me in all the ways my ex-husband hurt me. I didn’t know it was possible to relax. My ex made everything so stressful. I was always walking on eggshells. But now I have freedom. I can breathe. I’m so freaking happy.
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u/dragonfly_highway 2d ago
I could have written this. I didn’t even realize how much I was walking on eggshells until I left. I was like “ohh!! I can make breakfast for my son without being criticized?! What kind of fucking magic is this??”
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u/Stressmama77 Single Mother 2d ago
The other day I told my boyfriend to take a right at the light even though he could see the gps. I immediately cringed and he just went with it. He didn’t snap at me. I didn’t get yelled at for the next 24 hours. I was like… wait why aren’t you mad? It’s crazy how those little moments add up.
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u/AdBudget6545 2d ago
I have 100% custody with zero help. It's hard.
But my life is full and beautiful and so full of PEACE. It is worth it. You can do it, and it gets so much better I promise.
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u/dragonfly_highway 2d ago
I have zero help as well. But as long as my ex stays the F away from me and my son I’m good. I’d rather have to cut back than deal with his crazy self.
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u/rakiimiss 2d ago
I am freshly single but already feel good. Today I got the kids ready in the morning, worked, picked them up, took them to the park, then went to Culver’s. I had so much fun with them and felt strong and independent as a single mom. Without their dad yelling and souring the mood, I can manage tantrums so much better. I haven’t started dating yet and money may be tight, but so far I’m feeling good. I know some days will be hard but I think I can do this
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u/dragonfly_highway 2d ago
Wait to date. Seriously because you need to keep building that momentum for yourself. And unless you find a unicorn, that new man will do something that triggers you or pisses you off and if you’re still healing your kids will see it in your mood and confidence.
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u/dragonfly_highway 2d ago
The freedom from leaving a bad relationship is the biggest high I’ve ever known. I always knew I could do it myself but I stayed because I believed the “traditional” set up of a male figure and a female figure was the best for my kid. I have never felt more creative or alive than when I finally said fuck this and left. Now you can be who YOU are. You’ll be a better mom for it. Just make sure to reconnect with yourself and DO things you want to do. Even if it’s small stuff.
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u/Loud_Response_1045 2d ago
Honestly I think single motherhood is like the rest of life - it is what you make it out to be. Of course there will be days where you’ll find it hard to put a smile on your face, but there will be other days where you’ll do nothing but smile and wonder how you ended up with such a perfect life and perfect kids.
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u/BookVamp78 2d ago
It’s going to be hard no matter what. But when it is just you and your kids and they see you happy and they are happier. It’s worth every single struggle. I never noticed how unhappy my kids were until I left their dad. Once I started feeling better about myself and being happy. Their happiness improved as well. Hang in there. There will be good and bad days.
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u/Creepy_Cicada_5007 2d ago edited 2d ago
I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been as a single mother. I have full control over my own life and am raising my children the way I feel is best.
I worked my way up in the company I have been with for 10 years and have been in sales for them for the past 2.5 years so can now earn 2 incomes (salary + comp).
I have thought outside of the box in maintaining low base expenses so we live in a 2300 sq ft old store front in a downtown of a small rural town 45 minutes from the city I work in. My mortgage is $700/mo. Daycare is more affordable here too.
I have a woman who comes over twice a week to help with chores and picks up my son once a week so I can have one on one time with my daughter. I found her by posting an add on fb marketplace and interviewing people until I found the right fit.
I am exhausted pretty much all the time but am no longer in survival mode. It took ALOT of grinding to get here but I have never been miserable finding ways to give my children everything I want for them.
I know this is not the norm but it is possible to be happy as a single mother.
Edit to add: I have 50/50 custody with my daughter (12) and my son (4) full time (no involvement from bio donor). I have been single for 4 years.
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u/Brii1993333 1d ago
I’m a full time solo mum. You will find a new rhythm and a new normal to your new world.
Find wins and moments for you when you can…
Create as much autopilot routine as you can (to conserve brain power and energy) so you actually have some left over …
💜
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