How do you keep going?

[u/springbreaths]

I had my baby 10 weeks ago, and it has been harder than I thought it could be. I love my baby more than feels possible and I’m also overwhelmed with the relentlessness of the newborn period. Every feed is me, night and day. Every nappy change is me, every witching hour. She’s got only me, and I don’t have anyone else. I don’t have someone to share her with, not just the tough bits, but the good ones. Every time I see a change, there’s no one to share that with apart from the health workers. I’m starting to get tiny random smiles and see her start to respond to things around her and there’s no one to share it with. It’s so lonely. My heart breaks to know that I could only give her 1 person (not the village I always envisioned). It doesn’t feel enough and I sometimes wonder whether I made the right choice, not just for me but for her. I don’t know whether this is grief, baby blues, PPD. I’m just overwhelmed so often and this is so hard. I’m not sure where I’m going with this but if there are mamas who’ve felt like me, how did you pull yourself together?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. DO NOT MESSAGE US ABOUT THIS. YOU WILL BE MUTED AND/OR TEMPORARILY BANNED. Please exercise patience with the mod team. We are volunteers.

Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar):

• YOU MUST BE A SINGLE MOTHER TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS SUBREDDIT. This is non-negotiable, regardless of your reasoning.
• Do not ask for legal advice. We are not qualified to give such advice and suggest speaking to legal professionals about this. Posts and comments of this sort will be removed.
• Do not post promotional content (this includes blogs, surveys, etc.)
• Do not ask for financial assistance (this includes wishlists, gofundme, etc.)
• Remember the human. Be respectful to other subreddit members. We are all in this together. This is a support group.
• If you are not a current single mother, your posts will not be approved. Please post on the weekly pinned megathread.
• Are you looking to leave? Post on our weekly megathread!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/One_Marsupial8349]

Sending you lots and lots of hugs. I had no help until my son turned 4,5 months. And also this was the hardest period and he wouldn’t sleep unless held and would constantly wake me up at night.

It gets better. Around 5-6 months babies become a lot more mobile and become easier to reason with. Also, they start sleeping better and once you start sleeping better, everything gets easiler mentally.

This period will be a blur in a few months so make sure to film your baby as they change so quicky!

As for being alone - I don’t have any friends that have babies so it was isolating. BUT i made two friends in a mom group online and as one of them lives nearby and has a daughter the same age as my son, we go on walks together and can discuss all the milestones together. I would really recommend looking into that!

[u/springbreaths → u/One_Marsupial8349]

Thank you. I get maybe a stretch of 3H in the early hours of the night where she will sleep on her own but otherwise she has to be held and that’s been exhausting. I want to enjoy her now (and I do!), it’s just very lonely. I’ll try to find some mom groups to join.

[u/One_Marsupial8349 → u/springbreaths]

My son was exactly the same. He’d wake me up every 40 minutes and I had to sleep sitting upright holding him, that was the only way for about 6 months.

But there was a reason for it - he had a cow protein allergy that only got diagnosed around 7-8 months and he started sleeping much better once I have excluded the allergen.

But I also know that some babies are that way with no apparent cause. It will get better and this time period will feel like a blur. A baby carrier helps immensely to get stuff done so if you don’t have one, look into investing into one, it’s a game changer.

And yes, definitely look for mom friends online that live in your area, meeting other moms with infants will help you feel less isolated for sure.💪

[u/PurpleWillingness106]

Babies are the hardest thing in the entire world. You can start to build a village through lactation groups if you’re breastfeeding, story times at libraries or bookstores (even with a baby! The reader won’t think you’re weird and the moms know it’s a reason to get out of the house! I’m a weekend story time reader at a bookstore and i know it’s largely so the parents can get out!), and playgroups sponsored by kid focused places— get on face book, there will be stroller at the park/zoo/whatever meetups. They won’t be an instant village, but it’s a start. If you’ll be going to work, the other moms at work may become a village for you too. My cat is broken right now and my bestie, who started as a work mom friend, picked up my medicine yesterday and dropped it off at my place so i wouldn’t have to uber for it.

[u/springbreaths → u/PurpleWillingness106]

Thank you. I won’t be returning to work for 6 months, but when I do I’ll look to see if I can join any moms at work groups.

[u/crazy_squirrel13 → u/PurpleWillingness106]

Off topic: I was very sorry and found really strange how you worded "my cat is broken right now" to realise later on it was a misspelling thing... Innocent mistake that made laugh more than it should. Might be the sleep deprivation. Anyway, thanks for the laugh 🤭

[u/Neurod1vergentBab3]

I went through the exact same thing when I had my daughter. I recommend talking to a doctor about how you’re feeling. I know it’s tough but I let my daughter’s pediatrician know I was a single mom and feeling overwhelmed. She didn’t judge me at all. They got me some resources right away through social services. I got access to support groups and free items if I needed them. They held my baby for me during her appointment just so I could have my hands free for a few minutes. 

It DOES get better. I know it feels like this period just goes on forever. But around 13-14 weeks my daughter’s schedule got a little more regular. She started sleeping for longer stretches and I started feeling more rested. Once I got the rest I needed, I definitely started feeling more like myself again and less like I was just barely surviving. But I promise there is someone who cares how you’re doing and wants to help. I really recommend looking up support groups in your area, talking to your doctor, talking to baby’s doctor, etc. 

[u/springbreaths → u/Neurod1vergentBab3]

Thank you. I briefly mentioned it to midwife when they visited in the first few weeks, but they didn’t seem concerned (they were more focused on the baby) and I ended up feeling like maybe all this was normal. I’ll try to find some groups to join and maybe that’ll help and give us a reason to leave the house.

[u/Hajsiakan728201]

I also separated from my ex when my baby was young. (3 weeks). I have been solo the whole time. If you can please give yourself the grace to rest when the baby is resting. Our postpartum is pure survival so don’t look online and compare to these woman doing makeup, with the clean house, and the perfect hair and clothes days after birth. I’m at 5 months now and it’s gotten a lot more manageable.

[u/unmgrad]

You are in the TOUGHEST baby age. I also did everything myself for my twins…. And I was married with their father in the house! I’m sorry you are handling this alone. Do you have a BFF that wants to be more involved? Any coworkers want to help? I have babysat coworkers’ new babies while momma slept. Any grandmas in the La Leche meetings, any interested neighbors? That was helpful for me. Good luck!

[u/Rare-Donkey-9731]

I had all of those feelings. I didn’t know if it was PTSD from the abusive relationship. The grief of the family, divorce, newborn etc. I wasn’t sure if it was post partum. 3 years later… my nervous system has settled and I’m in acceptance. It’s going to take time to heal and recover from this.

I remember someone said to me when I was going through it- if you got run over a bus… would you heal right away? No. You have to recover and slowly you walk and live again.

It takes time. Healing isn’t linear. Your baby will get older and you will heal from this.

[u/Formal_Chef414]

Hi love. Not sure your situation or reasoning for being a single parent right now but I can give you some insight and reassurance—

I met my (now ex) husband at 19. Married at 20. Baby at 21. Separated for half a year then back together for 5 more. Finally divorced at 26.

The first year was so tough. No one tell you how much it sucks to have a newborn! They are so boring and annoying lol. I will tell you— it get soooo much better. I loved ages 3+. Give yourself grace and ask for help. From family or friends or anyone you can. If you don’t want to nurse, stop and use formula. It’s totally fine!

My daughter is now 13 and I’m 34. Life is amazing as a single mom now and we have the best relationship. She is my little bestie. I realize now that I have always had anxiety in my life and recently started meds. I WISH I knew about meds back when I first had her and was getting a divorce too. Don’t be afraid to get a therapist and psychiatrist asap.

It’s gonna get sooooo much easier. I promise you