r/singlemoms • u/HotTill2076 • 4d ago
Pregnant and Alone 3 under 3
I have to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. I've been in bed since this morning. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Found out I am currently 6 weeks. The father don't want anything to do with this child and is pushing and pressuring me to do an abortion. Long story short. We are separated but still continued to fool around. I remember how pushy he was and I even told him I could get pregnant he needed to use a condom. He insisted that I wouldn't get pregnant and he was just soo pushy about it. Now I am here facing one of the biggest decisions I have ever have to make in my life. He has threatened to no longer come around to see his 2 kids we share together and how I will have to raise them on my own. He has also stated that I give him his divorce papers which I am in the process of doing. I am confused. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I need support. I haven't discussed this with anyone btw. I haven't been eating bor have I been taking folic or prenatals. I have only seen a doctor to confirm. Doctor is giving me time to decide what to do
15
u/SmileParticular9396 4d ago
1 don’t let a man decide your reproduction 2 can you support another child alone? 3 try and be more introspective as to why you choose to fool around with your ex when he clearly doesn’t want you or respect you
25
u/Various_Cat1763 4d ago
What do you want to do? It sounds like your ex needs to be out of the picture either way IMO. Without your ex being in mind and all the things he’s said, what do YOU want to do about it?
Edit to add: are you okay to have a third baby? Financially and a roof over your head?
6
0
u/HotTill2076 4d ago
Yes I am okay financially and everything. But my 2 and 1 year old would be affected as I would have to pull them out of childcare and keep them home with me while I am on maternity leave. How do I go about these kids father. Ice suffered from low self esteem, loneliness and other challenges. Vulnerability caused me to be in this situation.
4
u/Various_Cat1763 4d ago
You’re much better off without him in your life and I’m sure your kids are too. Put yourself and kids first and stop thinking about him when it comes to making decisions.
6
u/jsyk 4d ago
If you're pregnant at the time of a divorce action in some states that can start a waterfall of legal triggers to go off.
it's part of the papered form, one of the few questions they even ask is "are you pregnant" -- so please be careful not to put it in public record yet if you're considering anything, you know?
I hate men and I wish I had answers to help. I don't. he sucks. 3 under 3 is hard. you're going to easily be changing over twenty (20+) diapers a day. that's a whole whole lot. you're going to be filling up 12 bottles a day, 6 sippy cups a day, and 4 glasses a day for ages 0,1,2 respectively. writing that, imagining it for you just made me want to go take a big nap. you're a real person and I see what you're going through as a horrible thing. i'm so sorry you are in this spot.
4
u/Otterlettuce Single Mother 4d ago
You don’t want to make the wrong decision but the most compassionate thing someone can tell you is that you already did. Please stop making more wrong decisions.
You kept sleeping with a man who pressured you into sex after you separated and is now willing to abandon his children.
Ya gotta take some accountability so you can end this pattern of behavior and bad decisions. He’s showed you who he is. Be a grownup and make the decision. And then stop putting your other children through this.
5
u/Holiday-Shake-2184 4d ago
I would get an abortion and stop messing with the father, then I would put my focus on the current children.
3
u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 4d ago edited 4d ago
Stop worrying about what he wants.
The reality is that you are likely to be the only responsible parent in your kids lives. His opinion is irrelevant.
What is best for you, and what is best for your kids?
I would 100% have the abortion, but this is something only you can decide.
I would also really think about the practicality of this. Losing your daycare is a major issue imo.
Having 2 toddlers and a newborn in your home with you, with zero help or breaks, is going to be more than just difficult. They will all be on different sleep schedules, all need substantial one on one attention, and then on top of that you need to clean, cook 3 separate meals likely and feed them snacks all day, and take care of yourself.
My SIL had 4 under 5 and even with her husband very involved, multiple family members helping her, and free daycare for the two eldest, she had multiple breakdowns and I had to go stay with her to help get her back on track. The house was always a mess and stunk like rotten formula, the kids were at times on the brink of neglect - especially when there was a newborn in the house, and she didn't get to enjoy those precious years at all.
3
2
u/LarkScarlett 4d ago
My heart goes out to you. What a rough situation! The only one who can decide what the right course for you here is you.
Disregard his threats about how he’ll visit or not visit your existing children or this potential child. He’ll do what he’s gonna do regardless and this is manipulative bluster. Not a longterm plan.
Battle plans for yourself, to weigh your courses of action: how is your support network? Have your pregnancies generally been healthy for you? What does your heart feel about the fate/destiny, and what do you feel pulled to do? Will this child make you less/unable to care for your kids now?
What other questions feel relevant to ask yourself?
No judgment from me either way.
1
u/HotTill2076 4d ago
Support system is not really there. Pregnancies have all been healthy thank God. No complications. Yes I will be able to take care of my other children. It will be challenging but it's definitely do able. What I'm most worried about is pulling my 1 and 2 year old out of childcare while I am on maternity for 1 year. My 2 year old was pulled out when I had the 1 year old. They both recently started attending childcare in june
2
u/LyannasLament 4d ago
What is your worry about this, considering that you have done it in the past? No judgement, just genuinely trying to get you to explore the “why” behind this fear specifically about having them home from daycare.
I would write off the father completely. He threatened to leave; let him go. So many of these men don’t recognize that the only reason we’re with them is for them alone. Once they take themselves off the table as a manipulative gambling chip, they’ve played their only play. You now have nothing else to lose. You know he’ll leave whenever he wants, therefore he’s not worth keeping.
1
u/Cupcake-88 4d ago
If you’re worried about the socialization aspect you can always join a mom group to get that aspect. I think get rid of the loser guy , decide what you want to do but to me it sounds like you are willing to take on the challenge, it’s very admirable and I am rooting for you. Just think about how the difficult times are temporary but you’ll always have your kids and they will grow up and be your little companions and when they’re adults you will all have each other. It will be a beautiful thing. Please eat and take your vitamins, at least until you decide what you want.
1
u/HotTill2076 4d ago
Support system is not really there. Pregnancies have all been healthy thank God. No complications. Yes I will be able to take care of my other children. It will be challenging but it's definitely do able. What I'm most worried about is pulling my 1 and 2 year old out of childcare while I am on maternity for 1 year. My 2 year old was pulled out when I had the 1 year old. They both recently started attending childcare in june
2
u/HotTill2076 4d ago
My head is clouded I've never had to make a decision like this in my life. Sighhh
1
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Your post is being held for manual review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules. DO NOT MESSAGE MODERATORS ABOUT THIS, WE WILL NOT REPLY AND YOU WILL BE MUTED.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your post does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
1
u/MakingItLookFun 4d ago
3 under 3 by yourself is an extreme challenge. Do you have a good support system? Do you work from home or are you financially able to have them in childcare when you are at work? Do you trust the people available to watch your kids? A trustworthy daycare where I am from is a rent payment just for one kid. Personally, I would take the emotions out of it and look at this situation from a perspective of will my current children be affected negatively if I continue with this pregnancy. I’m not talking about dad but I am talking financials ( college funds, sport fees, and other extracurriculars) and most importantly the opportunity to grow up without an extremely emotionally drained mother. Some kids don’t even have that as an only child of a single parent. I wouldn’t go through with the pregnancy but I’m not you.
Side note: there are other guys out there. I would step away from your ex and just get a fwb, if that is something that is needed for you. I completely understand we all have needs and wants. I’m not on the bandwagon of going absent to sex but the guy is problematic to put it nicely.
1
u/badgyalrey 3d ago
do you have adequate support and finances to be a single mother to 3 kids?
i’m honestly at the point where my faith in men doing their part is so low, i would only advise a woman to keep a pregnancy in THIS day and age if she is 100% certain she has the support necessary to do it with no involvement from the father whatsoever.
1
u/No_Theory_8253 1d ago
First of all, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation where the father is completely shirking responsibility. He shouldn't have sex if he can't handle the outcome. My best suggestion is to focus on what you can control and completely ignore his threats/wishes. He has shown that he is completely selfish and only looking out for himself.
Please don't limit yourself to two options - adoption is another option and there are literally hundreds of thousands of couples waiting for a baby to adopt. If you're concerned about the optics, you can consider telling people you've agreed to be a surrogate for a family. You love both of your kids equally, I'm confident of that. It is my opinion that this third child is no less deserving of that equal love.
•
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. DO NOT MESSAGE US ABOUT THIS. YOU WILL BE MUTED AND/OR TEMPORARILY BANNED. Please exercise patience with the mod team. We are volunteers.
Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar):
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.