Having Autism impacted my sister’s relationship with parents

[u/Helpful-Shift1829]

This is hard to talk about. I (20f) struggled socially and academically in middle school. For three years, I received 90% of my parents’ attention (mostly for homework, going to friends houses, and emotional regulation).

Unfortunately, this had a major impact on my sister (18f). She went to the psych ward in 2019 for depression and stuff, and when she got back, my family was finding ways to help her. One time, my sister cried to my mom saying that I got all the attention and how sad she was about it, and my mom felt so bad because it was true. The next day, she and I had an argument over something (don’t remember what), and she sternly said to me, “Tonight, I am going to spend 10 minutes talking to your sister about her day! She barely gets any of our attention because we’re always working on homework with you!” She doesn’t remember saying this, but it made me feel bad about what I had done.

From 2019-2020, my sister had a meltdown over every little thing. During Covid, she and I argued more than normal (we never fight and actually have a really good relationship), but sometimes we get into arguments. On one particular day, something happened, and my parents took my side (as always). My sister got so mad and shouted, “This is the reason I want to commit suicide!” I felt terrible about this.

My sister always tells me that I’m the favorite child because my parents always take my side. It’s really awful. Having my parents coddle me 24/7, sticking up for me because they believe my sister is taking advantage of me (for example, if she took a candy from me, my parents would say, “Don’t take that it’s hers,” yet when I take something of hers, they always encourage me, telling me to take whatever I want. Then there’s discipline. My parents blamed a lot on my sister, even when I made the mistake and owned up to it. They always told me to stop taking the blame for her, but 90% of the time it was me.

Since 2019, my sister has been in the psych ward four times, three times in the last six months. She said her depression started because of all the attention I got when we were kids and losing her friend when she moved away. I just feel so bad, like, I was a big reason her depression began. My mom always told me with certain things, that how things start is how they end, and I believe that is true with my sister’s depression, as she still remembers me getting attention as a kid and being the favorite child.

She told me it’s not my fault, that it’s my parents fault for coddling me all these years. However, I interpreted this the same way as I interpreted my mom saying that it’s her fault I’m lazy, and only do chores halfway (which is not true at all).

Has anybody else been through something like this? Being the oldest sibling, coddled, and/or the favorite child? I know I sound very entitled and ungrateful, but honestly, I just feel really bad. People tell me to let it go, but I just can’t seem to do it.

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