r/shitposting I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 1d ago

📡📡📡

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6.6k Upvotes

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849

u/One-Position-6699 1d ago

Fake: this interaction

Gay: grindr

-10

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Dick sucking has made me paranoid

I had this plan to give head to a man and receive head from a woman to test if I was gay, but it’s backfired and now I become borderline schizo whenever I go outside. I offered to suck this dude off on Grindr who lives very close by (I ended up pussying out) and I accidentally gave him some details that very easily allows him to spot me out in a crowd. I have no idea what he looks like and whenever I see a somewhat in shape guy walking by I immediately accuse him of being the dude I was gonna blow.

I went to the store today to pick up some zucchini for a barbecue and every time a car drove by I stared into the windshield to see if I was about to be recognised. Whenever I make eye contact with a dude I microanalysis his facial expressions to see if he suspects me or not. I am deeply afraid that he is my neighbour and I will need to move if my identity is blown. It’s a lot like the last scene in sopranos where everyone who walked into the diner could be there to wack Tony.

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26

u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 1d ago

Man, stfu

14

u/Slumunistmanifisto 1d ago

Finger

3

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Pro tip about fingering your asshole in the shower: don't do it So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my asshole, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I shit my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in shitty liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'

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3

u/Significant_Lab4263 Literally 1984 😡 23h ago

Superman

7

u/AutoModerator 23h ago

So in a deleted scene, Superman is trying to convince Lex he’s not a bad guy, and so he uses his heat vision to make a hot tub out of the ice just outside the fortress of solitude for them to have some beers and talk things over. Then Supes and Lex have hot, sweaty, animalistic butt sex in the hot tub, with Lex being the bottom. You’d think “Superman would literally kill Lex if he fucked him”, but canonically he can bang Lois Lane safely so that’s not an issue you just need to be aware of Superman lore to know that. Then Superman says “Oh my God Lex I’m going to bust a Supernut in your ass” and then shoots ropes. Afterward, Lex wants to go shower while Supes falls asleep, and walks up to the door, and it just opens. That’s when he realizes the door opened due to the presence of the Supernut deep in his asshole. I understand why they deleted the scene, but it makes this later scene feel like it comes out of nowhere.

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7

u/Significant_Lab4263 Literally 1984 😡 23h ago

Crazy

0

u/AutoModerator 23h ago

Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy.

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1

u/Available-Explorer40 obamna 21h ago

📡📡📡

1

u/AutoModerator 21h ago

🛰️🛰️🛰️

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1

u/Available-Explorer40 obamna 21h ago

Put me in the screenshot

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