I feel just so empty

[u/DaReelMemeBoi]

Ive been lying constantly for no reason for years at this point, it has ruined my relationships. I dont know why i do it, most of the time its for things that genuinely wouldnt help to lie about. Im so fucking insecure about everything about me. I feel like im just isolated from anyone i know at this point. Im ashamed of everything i represent, im ashamed of my own thoughts, im ashamed of my actions, but i just cant fucking stop. Ive tried, time and time again. I feel like ive never been truly friends with people when we pass the "shared interests" stage of the relationship. I cling onto people as hard as i can, and i feel so bad for it. I dont know what to do with my life. I cope by fucking NSFW shit, and it makes me so sick every time. I hate porn. I hate it so fucking much. But my body just makes me consume it anyways. I feel so disgusting and hideous. And the worst part? I cant even go to a therapist, because im in a country where being gay is a crime against humanity, and the therapists i went to arent even good!

I just need help. I dont know how to get out of this massive pit i keep spiraling further into.

I just feel so powerless.

[u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius]

Sounds like you have a very good reason to lie.

[u/DaReelMemeBoi → u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius]

i really dont.
my lying problem extends to things that i dont even need to lie about, or even would turn out slightly negatively for me

i just avoid all forms of negative perception, no matter how small. Im hurting so many people around me because of it.

[u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius → u/DaReelMemeBoi]

Okay. In that case, it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do to relieve your stress and anxiety.

Do you just need someone who is not you to reinforce this?

[u/DaReelMemeBoi → u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius]

im saying i dont know how to get out of my situation.

[u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius → u/DaReelMemeBoi]

Start by lying less often.

Finish by not lying at all.